Vampire Diaries – S04E19 – Pictures of You

previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Bonnie Bennett: Okay, thanks for filling me in on all of the past week’s wacky shenanigans, Stefan! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to run an errand in the most popular spot in town!

Stefan Salvatore: The Grill? The High School? My living room? We don’t really have a whole lot of other sets.

Bonnie Bennett: No, silly! The cemetery!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hi Bonnie! I’m dead, but it’s all right! You can make all of this better by ending the world just a little bit!

Bonnie Bennett: That sounds like a great idea!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Also, this is a dream! Also, you may have set your house on fire in your sleep.

Bonnie Bennett: Wow, it’s almost like I’m slowly losing control of my powers, posing a danger to myself and everyone around me!

Damon Salvatore: So it’s been what, eight, nine days since Elena’s killed anybody?

Stefan Salvatore: Beats me. Human life means about as much to me as that show Alaric ran off to star in.

Damon Salvatore: Wow bro, that’s cold. Also, have you considered the idea that maybe we should let Elena make her own choices, since the only time she seems actually dangerous is when we try to force our will on her?

Stefan Salvatore: …

Damon Salvatore: …

Stefan and Damon Salvatore: HAHAHAHAHA!

The Lady of the Manor: Boys! What have I told you? No football in the giant fireplace room!

Rebekah: Hi Elijah! Babies babies babies babies babies babies babies babies babies!

Elijah: Very well, sister, you have made a compelling case for bestowing upon you the single cure to immortality. But, perhaps, our brother has a more compelling argument?

Klaus: Well, Silas is an immortal necromancer zombiepire hellbeast with immense physical and supernatural powers, hell bent on rending the veil between this world and the next, unleashing unmeasurable evil upon the innocent, ignorant world, while also oh yeah that’s right murdering me and probably all of you.

Elijah: A well-reasoned case, my dear brother. But I do so adore those little footie pajamas that babies wear …

Klaus: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Rebekah: :-)=

Elijah: Ah ah ah, Rebekah! In order to prove yourself worthy of the cure, you must go without your vampire powers for … one entire day!

Elena Gilbert: Okay, let’s think this through. You have to be human for exactly one day, and you’re choosing to spend that day at a Mystic Falls High dance?

Rebekah: Not just a dance! The Prom! I’ve never ever ever gone to a school dance, and I’ve especially never gone to a prom!

Elena Gilbert: And you realize that you can’t compel yourself a date, or break the DJ’s neck when he starts playing Nickleback, or use any of your immortal powers when some great evil inevitably interrupts the Electric Slide to unleash this week’s mass slaughter?

Rebekah: Oh please! You can’t be telling me that every dance in Mystic Falls is a flimsy excuse to gather people together for a scene of wanton violence! Right? Elena?

Bonnie Bennett: So then Jeremy showed up in my dream, and then I set the house on fire with my brain.

Caroline Forbes: That’s nice and all, but have you seen my boobs in this dress?

Elena Gilbert: Hi Bonnie, sorry that my brother’s haunting you and junk. Her Caroline, nice dress, I bet it’s gonna look great on the floor of the football team’s locker room.

The Lady of the Manor: Why is everyone shopping for their dress on the day of the Prom? Can’t they try to be a normal town just once?

Elena Gilbert: Wow, I look great in Caroline’s dress!

Stefan Salvatore: You sure do!

Damon Salvatore: And since I know that you’re the pettiest bitch in town right now, I even bought you a corsage to match it!

Elena Gilbert: I am not wearing your corsage.

Stefan Salvatore: Yes you are!

Damon Salvatore: Put on the goddamned flower!

Elena Gilbert: Jesus pogositcking Christ you two have control issues.

Caroline Forbes: Klaus! Klaus Klaus Klaus Klaus Klaus Klaus Klaus! Didn’t you hear me shrieking your name for the past twenty minutes?

Klaus: Yes, I did, but I was a bit busy contemplating the doom hanging over my head, the terror about to beset the world, and the fact that my brother is going to allow it all to happen so that my sister can make babies with a pile of mashed potatoes in a football jersey.

Caroline Forbes: Yeah, that’s nice and all, but Elena stole my dress and I figured the best way to solve that problem would to be-

Klaus: A quick run to JC Penny’s?

Caroline Forbes: No, you fool! To bother the vilest, most evil creature in Mystic Falls, the man who drove my lover away under threat of death, the reason for all of our current woes … you! Come on, you must have a closet full of pretty dresses, don’t you?

Klaus: Well, when you put it that way … allow me to show you my Stefan Collection.

The Lady of the Manor: How does Klaus not just slap the shit out of her? I mean, she’s adorable, but God.

Stefan Salvatore: Look Elena! Someone paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to set up dozens of flat screen TVs so that they could Ken Burns through a bunch of pictures of the Senior class!

Damon Salvatore: Doesn’t that just make you feel?

Elena Gilbert: Sure does!

Stefan and Damon Salvatore: Salvatore high five!

Elena Gilbert: It makes me feel hungry, with a dash of murder-ey.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! Even though I have performed acts of unspeakable debauchery upon your person, and even though I practically sweat whiskey, I from upon your use of a flask to violate this event’s no alcohol policy!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Well that’s too bad, because I also frown upon your sudden and complete lack of balls!

Matt Donovan: Hi Elena! I want you to feel human emotions again so that you don’t miss out on the best experience of you high school career!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Matt! Human beings don’t remember their prom by the time they’re out of college, and I’m going to live for the next five or six forevers, so I don’t think that’s a really big deal!

Bonnie Bennett: Hi Elena! I want to let you know that it’s completely natural to be wrecked with grief, and that it’s okay to feel sad!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! Failed utterly to stop any great supernatural evil, resulting in the death of someone I love lately?

Damon Salvatore: Well that went well.

Matt Donovan: Oh well, I’m gonna go get in the middle of a vampire-witch sandwich.

Damon Salvatore: Huh. Matt Donnovan is getting more action than me. That’s it, that’s the final sign of the apocalypse.

Bonnie Bennett: Woe is me! For this sixty inch plasma display changed to an image of me and Jeremy dancing just as I passed by!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hi Bonnie! Would it make you feel better if we danced?

Bonnie Bennett: Wait a second … you’re not Silas just pretending to be Jeremy, are you?

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: …No?

Bonnie Bennett: Okay then!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! You’re going to dance with me now!

Elena Gilbert: If you don’t let me go, I will bite you.

Stefan Salvatore: Please! Like you’re allowed to have opinions on things!

Rebekah: So Matt, I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got quite the little threesome going on, and I was wondering if I could convince you to open that up to a fourth party. A stunningly beautiful, fabulously rich, soon to be human blonde party?

Matt Donovan: Yeah, no, thanks.

Rebekah: :-(=

Stefan Salvatore: You can’t fool me, Elena! You came to prom! You’re helping Rebekah! You’re dancing with me! You’re totally turning your humanity back on!

Elena Gilbert: Yeah, so I’m going to go eat the prom queen now. I’ll be sure to tell her it’s because you pissed me off right before I tear her throat out with my teeth.

Damon Salvatore: Huh, my brother is dancing with my girlfriend. Ow! Karma! Stop biting me in the ass!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Caroline! Don’t you just love this dress that for some reason has your name on the tag!

Caroline Forbes: Elena Gilbert, you backstabbing b–

Stefan Salvatore: eh-hem!

Caroline Forbes: –Best friend who I love and cherish and want nothing but the best for.

The Lady of the Manor: Wait wait wait, did I miss something? Did Elena stea Caroline’s dress? What dress was Caroline wearing in the shop?

Thomas: Um, it was red … ish?

The Lady of the Manor: You are no help. No help at all.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, aren’t you wearing my … um, favorite dress from Klaus’ closet?

Caroline Forbes: Yeah, I made him give it to me when Elena stole mine. Speaking of, how are things going with the Wicked Bitch of the West?

Stefan Salvatore: I’m trying to reach her heart, but the only thing that’s crying is my vagina!

Caroline Forbes: …You should probably get that looked at.

Rebekah: Please can I be Prom Queen please please please please please?

April Young: Um, no?

Elena Gilbert: Let’s make a deal! You let Rebekah be Prom Queen, and I’ll let you continue breathing!

Rebekah: Elena! That is not how I get what I want!

Elena Gilbert: Um, remember the time you tortured me, broke up my relationship with Stefan, and locked us in a room with a werewolf? This is totally how you get what you want. So stand there and refrain from talking.

The Lady of the Manor: I need to tell more people to stand there and refrain from talking.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Don’t you just love dancing with me?

Bonnie Bennett: Yep!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: And don’t you wish you could do this for real!

Bonnie Bennett: You bet!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: And don’t you want to unleash the zombie apocalypse, setting free an unending horde of immortal evil, in order to bring me back to life?

Bonnie Bennett: I sure … wait a second …

Elijah: Well met, Klaus! Though I cannot grant you the boon of Silas’ end, I can present to you the only extant weapon capable of ending your baleful existance, thereby freeing you from the terror that vile necromancer poses you!

Klaus: Yeah? How about the terror of not knowing whether I’m really banging a hot sorority chick, or just Silas dressed up like one?

Elijah: Verily, I cannot help you in that regard. Perhaps my beloved Katerina could provide you lessons in running from a vastly powerful and vengeful monster?

Klaus: And maybe I can provide you beloved Katerina lessons in dying horribly when I rip the cold dead heart out of her chest.

Elijah: Truly, my brother, you are overcompensating. Five inches of wood is still perfectly respectable.

Klaus: You son of a motherless goat herding whore …

Elijah: What? The Magic Stake of Killing Fucking Everything is about five inches, isn’t it? Or did I screw up the conversion from metric again?

The Lady of the Manor: Do you think Klaus tries on shirts to judge the deepness of the V-neck?

Rebekah: Hi Matt! I am at my High School prom, sitting all alone, dancing with nobody, and I was really hoping you could throw me a bone here.

Matt Donovan: Hey, remember that time you tried to kill me and my best friend by throwing my truck off a bridge? That was wacky.

Caroline Forbes: Well, Matt’s found himself a third date, so I’m going to go home and ride the cowboy, if you know what I mean.

Damon Salvatore: I do not, but I will certainly be Googling that shit as soon as I get home.

Bonnie Bennett: Hi Damon! So a funny thing happened. I was dancing with my dead ex boyfriend, and then he told me that he wanted me to end the world to bring him back to life! Isn’t that hilarious?

Elena Gilbert: Oh sweet Christ on a bender. Having the Salvatores constantly harping on me is one thing, but can you imagine what it would be like if I had to put up with Jeremy and Alaric, too? “Elena! Don’t eat that cheerleader! It’s bad! Elena! Stop drinking my whiskey! It’s expensive! Elena! You can’t murder that girl because she’s wearing the same shoes! It’s overreacting! Elena! The Civil War was not fought between Joy Williams and John Paul White! History is important!” Fuck. That.

April Young: Hi everybody! I just wanted to let you know that your prom king and queen is Matt Donovan and Bonnie Bennett!

Elena Gilbert: And since Silas needs Bonnie to bring them back, I’m gonna go eat the Prom Queen.

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! I’m here to dance with you until the other guy you’re fucking stops by to kill me!

Caroline Forbes: Aw, Tyler! That makes me so happy yet conflicted!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, didn’t you say you were over Elena? So what’s with the whole lovey-dovey, remember when we were cozy thing?

Stefan Salvatore: Look, I don’t want to be a dick, but … well, I’m honestly just a huge dick. Also, I happen to be a shape shifting necromancer zombiepire who’s going to stick a stake in your gut because honestly? The look on your face when you get stabbed is priceless.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! I know you still trust me for some reason, and I could totally just sneak up and break your neck or whatever, but instead I figured I’d get your attention, let you watch me fang out, and give you ample opportunity to thwart my dastardly plan!

Bonnie Bennett: Thanks Elena! It sure was nice of you to give me the chance to blow your brain with my brain! And then blow up the rest of the prom, too! Super Bonnie I’m So Scared Powers activare!

April Young: Wow, it sure is wacky how all of these terrible things keep happening in this town! It’s almost like I should have stayed far, far away!

Elena Gilbert: Hey April, remember how I told you to make Rebekah the Prom Queen? Facesmash! Throatbite! Powerwalk!

Matt Donovan: Hey Rebekah? Little help over here?

Rebekah: Um, yeah, no. Sorry.

Matt Donovan: Super Donnovan puppy dog powers activate!

Rebekah: Oh all right.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan! So I just got stabbed in the gut by a guy who looked exactly like you!

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, Silas’ shape shifting ability is a real pain in the everything!

Damon Salvatore: Anyway, I just wanted to be clear, every time I stab you over the next few weeks? That was totally Silas. Every time. Promise.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hi Bonnie! As the world’s most powerful necromancer, I believe I am well qualified to help you get control over your rapidly spiraling powers!

Bonnie Bennett: Oh yeah? Well as Mystic Fall’s most powerful witch, I believe I am well qualified to frighten you by setting off all of the car alarms!

Elena Gilbert: Oh yeah? Well as the most interesting character on the show right now, I believe I am well qualified to Super vampire Elena eating the Prom Queen powers activate!

Bonnie Bennett: Hey, did you know that my blood now comes with a complete day’s supply of vampire poison, a side of making your brain explode, and a taste of breaking every bone in your body?

Stefan Salvatore: Woah, part foul, Bennett.

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, and a violation of main character immunity. Ten yard penalty, repeat Season Two’s character arc.

Stefan Salvatore: So, lock Elena in the basement?

Damon Salvatore: Lock Elena in the basement.

Rebekah: Well I hope you’re happy! April’s alive but I ruined my chance to be human again!

Matt Donovan: Don’t worry Rebekah! I’d never tell Elijah you used your vampire powers to heal April!

Klaus: But I sure would! :-)=

Rebekah: :-(=

Elijah: Verily I say unto you, you showed more humanity in this act than any of the main characters this season, and therefore I bestow upon you an end to thine endless days. Forsooth.

Rebekah: Sweet! Okay, I’m off to start the zombiepire apocalypse and raise my dead Qetsiyah from the grave.

Elijah: Alas, I doth believe I have been played.

Silas: :-)=

Tyler Lockwood: So this was fun and all, but I should probably get my ass back out of town before the other guy you’re fucking shows up to kill me.

Klaus: Did somebody say my name? :-)=

Tyler Lockwood: :-(=

Caroline Forbes: ??? :-(= ??? :-)= ???

Klaus: But, since I still want to get inside Caroline’s dress, and since murdering her other lover in front of her would probably be the fastest way to cock block myself, run along, little doggie, run along.

Damon Salvatore: So I couldn’t help but notice Elena acted afraid when Bonnie almost killed her.

Stefan Salvatore: And fear is a human emotion! And you know what that means!

Damon Salvatore: We can get our Elena back by keeping her prisoner and subjecting her to an unending torrent of her worst nightmares, until the sheer overwhelming terror of it all flips her switch for us!

Stefan Salvatore: Exactly! Salvatore high five!

Damon Salvatore: Being the good guys is awesome!

Katherine Pierce (in a letter): Dear Klaus, A little bird told me Elijah screwed me over and you’re on your way to murder me again. But! I have something to offer you in exchange for my freedom … your very own TV show! Meet me in New Orleans next week for a backdoor pilot. -XOXO Kat

Bonnie Bennett: So Silas, I have recently learned that pretty much everyone in my life is literally a terrible monster, and I’m kind of on board with this whole zombie apocalypse thing, so lets get this end of the world party started!

Silas: Are you cool with the fact that I’m a horribly disfigured monster?

Bonnie Bennett: Dude, I’m in high school. Have you seen high school boys? I’ll be okay.

The Plot: Thickens.

The Salvatores really are some of the most petty, controlling bastards in the world. Disregarding the whole “fore the cure down Elena’s throat” thing, they are literally incapable of letting that girl make a single decision for herself.

Like when they forced her to wear Damon’s corsage. What the fuck was that about? That’s the kind of thing in a human relationship that sets of my “(potentially abusive) asshole” alarm. They treat her like a pet or a toy, and I’m kind of done with it.

Elena needs to be more evil for this whole cure thing to be compelling. As it is, the only time she lashes out is when one of the Salvatore brothers tries to make her do something; if they’d just leave her the hell alone, they wouldn’t need to turn her humanity back on. Now, if she was murdering her way through the senior class, or down the East coast, that would be another thing entierly. And the fans would eat it up, a-la Serial Killer Stefan and pretty much all of Damon’s life. I’m not sure why they’re so hesitant to go down that route.

“So stand there and refrain from talking” is a great line, and I hope to work it into a conversation at work on Monday.

The parallels between Stefan/Damon and Elijah/Klaus got a shout-out this week, with Klaus promising Elijah that he would never let him enjoy a single moment of happiness. Petrova women: just say no.

Finally, Bonnie was a real badass when she finally had enough of Elena’s antics and decided to play pop goes the weasel with her internal organs. I’m not sure exactly why her blood is poison now, but the whole limb breaking thing is pretty cool. This is how Bonnie should have been portrayed all along: damn near unfuckwithable, and slightly unhinged.

So excited to see her playing for Team Silas. Let’s get this Dark Bonnie thing going, folks. I’ve been looking forward to it for like three seasons now.