Vampire Diaries – S04E20 – The Originals

previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Damon Salvatore: Man! I can’t believe it’s been five whole hours and Elena still isn’t doing exactly what we want!

Stefan Salvatore: This sucks! It’s almost like the world doesn’t revolve around us anymore!

Katherine Pierce: Hi guys! Since Nina Dobrev is currently playing a desiccating corpse, I figured I’d drop by and wreak vastly entertaining havoc!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s great Katherine!

Damon Salvatore: Except we aren’t in this episode!

Katherine Pierce: :-(=

Marcel’s Minions: Hey guys! What should we do with this giant, elaborate coffin our boss uses to move about during the day? Leave it laying in the middle of the street? Okay!

Hayley: Wow, this is the best gumbo I’ve ever had!

Jane-Anne Deveraux: That’s because my sister, Jane, who is totally a powerful witch, adds magic ingredients to every bowl!

Hayley: Wow, like she casts a spell to make them all delicious?

Jane-Anne Deveraux: Oh, no, she just adds a bunch of spices and stuff. I just like to shout about her being a witch to stir up trouble. Speaking of trouble! I know you’re looking for information on your family, and there may or may not be a bunch of werewolves buried in the City of the Dead, the most dangerous location in New Orleans!

Hayley: Thanks Jane! If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know how I’d end up in mortal danger this week!

Jane-Anne Deveraux: Nothing says “thank you” like giving me a lock of your hair!

Hayley: That doesn’t seem suspicious at all, so here you go!

Hayley: OKay, according to the map, I’m–

Jane-Anne Deveraux: Mumble mumble Cajun Latin!

Hayley: Completely fucked. I should have stayed in Mystic Falls.

Rebekah: New Orleans? Why in the hell did Klaus go to New Orleans?

Elijah: One of his oldest and most hated allies told him that there was a super secret plot to mumble mumble no one really knows.

Rebekah: So he went down to instantly, effortlessly slaughter everyone who might dare raise a hand against him, only to return home and continue to fawn over characters played by Nina Dobrev?

Elijah: Well if he did that we wouldn’t be getting our own series, would we?

Timmy the Tour Guide: This is the most _* dangerous place in New Orleans _*, where the living get lost and the dead stick around to play!

Klaus: Note to self: after decimating the local witch, vampire, and werewolf populations, go on a shockingly brutal crusade against the local walking tour service.

Miss Cleo: Hello there, vile and hated vampire/werewolf hybrid, who is an abomination in the eyes of all who behold him!

Klaus: I will have you know there are plenty of people who look on me with fond, nay lustful eyes! Speaking of, have you seen a guy named Marcel?

Marcel: ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫

Klaus: Hi Marcel! Hi Marcel’s Minions!

Marcel’s Minions: >:-{=

Marcel: Klaus! As you already know, it’s been a hundred years since your father murdered half the vampires in New Orleans and chased you out of town, leaving a power vacuum just big enough for one self-proclaimed king slash jazz singer!

Klaus: And as you already know, I later murdered my father, awakened my latent Werewolf genes, became unkillable, then for some reason spent the next two years hanging out with a bunch of high schoolers, one of whom I very much wanted to diddle.

Marcel: So, should we do the angry stare thing to build up a bunch of tension, then do the big smiling bro-hug thing to let everyone know we’re really friends?

Klaus: Of course! It’s one of the most time-treasured establishing moments in cinema!

Marcel’s Minions: Eyeroll

Klaus: So I see you and yours all have Magic Rings of Not Exploding in the Daylight … how exactly did you convince a group of people who historically hate us and are some of the most potent, dangerous forces in the world to help you, their sworn enemy, to move freely through the daylight?

Marcel: Well, it’s a long and fascinating story, but rather than tell it, I think I’ll take you over to this Gumbo shop I know. They make a great chicken cacci-kill-Klaus.

Klaus: I can’t help but notice all these vampires are kind of not even bothering to hide the fact that they’re supernatural.

Marcel: You think that’s crazy? Watch what I do to this witch you’ve been looking for! Hey Jane! A little bird told me that you’ve been doing magic without my express permission! How do you plead?

Jane-Anne Deveraux: Go fuck your–

Marcel: Super vampire using random foliage as a tool of death and destruction powers activate!

Jane-Anne Deveraux: X-|

Sophie Deveraux: o_0

Klaus: So Marcel, when I said “I’d like to talk to Jane-Anne Deveraux, I did actually mean ”talk to Jane-Anne Deveraux."

Marcel: …Oh. Oh. Oh. Shit, dude. When was the last time you ever actually wanted to talk to an enemy rather than remove their spleens through their eye sockets?

Klaus: Okay, that’s fair.

Klaus: Hi Sophie! Sorry about your sister’s untimely demise, but on a more important subject, what was your sister plotting to do with me?

Sophie Deveraux: As much as I’d love to help you murder everything in town, those guys at the bar are Marcel’s Minions, and if I talk to you in front of them …

Klaus: One moment love. Hi guys! I can’t help but notice that you’re following me all over town!

Sophie Deveraux: Actually, you didn’t notice until I pointed them out–

Klaus: Anyway, if I catch you following me again, I’m going to show you exactly what it feels like to have your spine removed through your rectum. So why don’t you sit down, shut the fuck up, and enjoy a nice bottle of hundred year old scotch, on me!

Sophie Deveraux: Hey look! It’s the magic altar that got my sister killed! I better stand in front of it and act like I’m casting a spell. That probably won’t end terribly at all!

Marcel’s Minions: Hi Sophie! We just stopped by to–

Elijah: Super vampire Batman powers activate!

Marcel’s Minions: Die in a shockingly violent, and nearly instant, manner.

Sophie Deveraux: I really just wanted to cook gumbo.

Klaus: Hi guys! As you know, the bite of a werewolf is a slow, torturous death sentence to any vampire. And as you know know, due to my terrifying yellow contacts, I am half werewolf. So if someone doesn’t explain to me why Marcel is having me followed, I am going to bite the ever loving shit out of everyone in this room.

Marcel: Whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get all splatterpunk on the good hardwoods! And let’s also not talk at all about my dastardly plans! Would you like to see the view from the roof?

Klaus: …Only if it’s shiny. I love shiny things.

Klaus: So really, why is it that the witches, who could make your head explode just as easily as they look at you, live in constant fear of your wrath?

Marcel: Mostly through rumors and bullshit, plus the occasional public execution. Hey look, a pretty blonde walking all by herself! Let’s stop talking about my plans, resources, and allies and go eat her instead! Super vampire getting out of an awkward conversation powers activate!

Elijah: Hi Klaus! I managed to accomplish in five minutes what you haven’t been able to do this whole episode!

Klaus: You got laid already? Who was it? Was it that hot Gumbo chef? Was she–

Elijah: I discovered the witches’ plan, jackass.

Sophie Deveraux: Hi Klaus! All the witches tell bedtime stories about you! And how you made Marcel the man he is today! But now Marcel is out of control and we’re gonna stop him and your gonna help us!

Klaus: There is literally nothing you could tell me that would make me even consider staying in this lame ass town and helping you lame ass lamers.

Hayley: Hi Klaus! I’m pregnant!

Klaus: …

Hayley: With your baby!

Klaus: … … HAHAHAHAHA! gasp HAHAHAHAHA! Oh that’s good! That’s a good one! Jesus, what is this, Maury Povich? Klaus Mikaelson, in the case of Hayley’s werepup, you are the stud! Jesus, vampires can’t have kids. It’s like one of the rules. And shit, can you imagine trying to base a show off of that idea? Fuck, that one of the hottest girls alive and stick a beach ball up her shirt, have her changing diapers and washing spitup? No one would watch that! And me, a creature defined by my lack of roots, chained down with a family? And can you tell me when, in the history of entertainment, a character or show was improved by adding a baby? Angel went to shit when Darla had Connor! And let’s not even talk about Cordelia! And there was that whole adoption fiasco on Gray’s Anatomy, that whole thing with Ross and Rachel on Friends … This is some bull shit, my friends. I can’t believe you thought I’d fall for that! LOL

Elijah: She’s serious, bro.

Klaus: … Oh. Well. Fuck.

Sophie Deveraux: And if you don’t help me take down Marcel, Wendy the Werewolf here won’t live long enough to see her first maternity dress!

Klaus: Okay then! Works for me! Sorry for the bad luck, Hayley, better luck next series!

Hayley: …

Elijah: Okay, let’s everybody chill the fuck out! If you want Marcel dead, I’ll go do it right now. It will literally take more time to get to the bar than it will for me to rip his heart out of his chest. Guy won’t even know he’s dead before they cast him in another show. Like, this is so completely trivial I can’t believe we’re even still discussing it. I can literally solve everyone’s problems with one decisive act of sexy, sexy violence.

Sophie Deveraux: Yeah, no, sorry. If you did that we wouldn’t have anything to do once our show gets picked up.

Elijah: You are so lucky Saving Hope got canceled.

Klaus: Well fuck this, folks. I’m gonna murder the shit out of everyone in New Orleans, then take a vacation.

Elijah: Sorry, dude. You can either stay here and raise a werepire pup, or go back to babysit the Mystic Falls brat pack.

Klaus: Oh just fuck my life.

Elijah (on the phone): Hi Bex! Klaus knocked up that slutty werewolf!

Rebekah: LOL! What a shitty situation! Oh, well, I’m gonna go do something vastly more interesting!

Katherine Pierce: Sorry Rebekah, we aren’t in this episode.

Rebekah: Oh. :-(=

Klaus: So Marcel; I have recently come into some information that makes me want to murder the fuck out of ever witch that’s ever read Tarot in New Orleans, and I would ever so like to know what power you hold over them.

Marcel: Yeah, so about that … I love you and all, but I can’t go handing out the secret to my power. Besides, I’m pretty sure the writers haven’t figured out what it is yet.

Klaus: Oh, so you think you’re all powerful and important? A pretty little Prince in New Orleans?

Marcel: Baby, I’m not a prince, I’m the King! Now show me some res–

Klaus: Om nom nom tasty minions nom

Marcel: –pect. And suddenly I realize that I am in way over my head, contending with a power far beyond my ken or control, and I am very, very sorry. Oh no wait I’m dumb LOL let’s fight.

Klaus: Whatever, bro. That dude’s gonna hallucinate for a few days then die all over your carpet. Good luck doing anything about it!

Klaus: Well, look at that fine gentleman, painting out here in the open.

Cammy: Wow, that painting’s great! When I see a painting like that, it makes me think the guy is angry, maybe even afraid! So alone, but desperate for company! Wishing he could control his demons, rather than letting his demons control him!

Klaus: … I <3 you and would like to show you my paint brush.

Cammy: And I would like to have your babies!

Klaus: Yeah, sorry, that line just isn’t funny anymore.

Elijah: So New Orleans is pretty great, huh? Don’t you just want to stay here forever? Or for at least like five or six seasons? Maybe raise a pack of werepire pups?

Klaus: Yeah, you had me right up until the whole baby thing. Again. But I do want to kick Marcel’s ass a few dozen times, so let’s stick around and see what happens!

Elijah: Oh thank God. I am so totally typecast right now.

Elijah: So how do we do this?

Sophie Deveraux: Well, we could start by earning Marcel’s trust and confidence, making him think we’re actually his friends.

Elijah: So no sudden, sexy violence?

Sophie Deveraux: Yeah, no, the show would be over way too fast if you just murdered all of our problems.

Klaus: Hi guys! I just dropped by to say that I have failed this city!

Oliver Queen: Oh really? Because I–

Klaus: Wrong show, sport. Anyway, I failed, but Marcel stepped up, so I’m all Team Guy I Could Easily Murder, totally supportive, not even scheming against you, nope, not me, no sir. And! I’m gonna heal that minion I gave wererabies!

Marcel: I should probably be very suspicious, but gosh darn it Klaus, you’re just so roguishly charming!

Klaus (on the phone): Hi Caroline! I’m in the French Quarter, starring in my own TV show, surrounded by great food, lots of art, a bit of magic, and tons of sex! If you’d like to come down here but leave your panties in Mystic Falls, you know my digits!

Rebekah: And you want me to just pack my bags and move to New Orleans? Do you have any idea what the humidity will do to my hair?

Elijah: Because you’ve got better things to do in Mystic Falls? Like go to the prom?

Rebekah: I am going to sleep with that quarterback if it is the last thing I do!

Katherine Pierce: Hi Elijah! How about some sexy sexy sex?

Elijah: Yeah, no, thanks, I’m stupid.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! I brought you some blood!

Elena Gilbert: OM NOM FUCKING NOM

Damon Salvatore: Laced with vervain, because I’m a huge dick.

Elena Gilbert: I am so going to kick your ass next episode.

Joss Whedon once said that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was about the pain of being a child, and Angel was about the pain of being an adult. Buffy therefore got to fight girls literally turned invisible by the apathy of her classmates and athletes who became demonic mer-men by their coach’s Russian steroids, while Angel join a law firm whose founding partners were literally the spawn of hell.

The same idea applies, I think, to The Vampire Diaries and The Originals. TVD is Elena’s story, the story about a girl coming of age, losing everything and everyone from her childhood, and learning to become the well behaved puppet of the Salvatore brothers her own person. The Originals, on the other hand, is about people who are already adults, who have already come of age, loved, lost, and moved on … and did it all a thousand years ago.

The difference is between people fighting to be Prom Queen and literally becoming the undead King of New Orleans.

In The Originals, we’re going to see a more adult look at the supernatural world. We’re going to see vampire politics and witches with day jobs rather than undead cheerleaders and werewolf basketball players. It’s the same universe, but it’s a different tone.

And I’m totally on board with that. I love Klaus and Elijah, but their time in Mystic Falls has grown stale. They are almost literally faced with the choice of going off and living their own (ancient) lives or sitting around babysitting the Mystic Falls brats. The Originals aren’t advanced by being around the Salvatores, and the Salvatores will always be overshadowed as long as they share a zip code with the most powerful creatures in existence.

Also, Marcel is my new favorite thing and I want him around forever. For that reason alone, I am super excited that the CW decided to pick up the show (not that there was ever any real doubt). I’m already more interested in Klaus v Marcel than The Salvatores v Elena ever making a choice on her own ever.

But, there is one issue. One minor quibble. The producers have seen fit a fairly common adult event: a pregnancy. In particular, they have made Klaus a baby daddy, Elijah a beaming uncle, and Faye a MILF-to-be. To which I say:

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The Vampire Diaries is about as close to wish-fulfillment, shut up and enjoy the ride fantasy as it gets. Literally every single member of Elena’s family has died, and does anybody care? Hell no! So her alcoholic history teacher moves in and has awkward sex conversations with her? Big deal! So she hasn’t gone to class in six months because she’s too busy doing the nasty with a pair of reanimated corpses? Kids these days!

I don’t want to deal with the real-life consequences of this show’s premise. If that’s the route we were going down, Elena would be in a mental hospital gibbering to herself all day. I’m glad I didn’t have to see her sue to become an emancipated minor or whatever the hell happens when every adult in your life gets murdered horribly, I have no interest in watching Elena apply to colleges, and I could care less about who’s paying Matt Donnovan’s mortgage. This show is about pretty people having sex with and getting eaten by pretty vampires, and I’m good with that.

Klaus knocking up Faye is a huge shift from that. That’s the kind of real-life consequence I honestly have zero interest in. Klaus pisses of a coven of witches? Sounds like fun! Klaus has to juggle his schedule so he can make the scheduled mass slaughter and hit up Werepup’s dance recital? I do. Not. Care. I hate children, and I hate children in my entertainment.

I like Julie Plec, and TVD has one of the best sets of writers working in television today, so I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. But, I have never, ever liked an “oh shit we’re pregnant” storyline. I hated Connor on Angel, I hated the demon-spawn thing that killed Cordilia, I hate all of the fucking baby drama on Gray’s Anatomy … it just doesn’t work for me.

There was, however, quite a bit I did like about this episode (which is why I finally got off my ass to rewatch and write up this recap).

Elijah is a goddamn national treasure. As @rogerson_a pointed out, Daniel Gillies was basically born to play Bruce Wayne / Batman in the upcoming Justice League movie, and like @cadlymack said, I would watch an entire show about him just showing up. The guy knows how to make a goddamn entrance. A whisper of noise, a blur of motion, and then someone’s heart is laying on the ground.

So okay, maybe that last part isn’t exactly Batman’s MO, but work with me here.

Klaus is utterly fascinating, and I’m glad they’re giving him room to stretch a little. Klaus is defined by two intrinsic characteristics: he is utterly, crushingly alone, and he is batshit insane. Not “licking the walls because they lamp said they’re made out of cotton candy” nuts, but “if you say the wrong word at the wrong moment I will, for no discernible reason, murder this shit out of you and everyone you love, even if it totally fucks me, too.”

It’s brilliant.

We see this in pretty much all of Klaus’ interactions with Caroline. This guy clearly wants to jump her bones, but he’s also perfectly willing to murder her boyfriend or fucking kill her with werewolf rabies, and then he has the audacity to act like saving her was a favor.

That gives us plenty of believable tension for the new show. Klaus has absolutely nothing to fear from Marcel and his crew; Klaus is nigh on invulnerable, and no one, even the self-proclaimed King of New Orleans, has a chance in hell of taking him out. But, Klaus’ existential loneliness gives a plausible explanation for the fact that The Originals wasn’t one episode long, ending with Klaus covered in blood up to his elbows, surrounded by the hearts of his enemies, and wearing a Burger King crown. Klaus wants Marcel around … as long as Marcel realizes that he’s number two in the pecking order. Still, Klaus’ complete insanity means that every once in a while he’s just going to flip out and kill somebody … and probably a lot of somebodies.

Klaus is utterly charming and completely self-centered. He may actually be the most accurate depiction of a psychopath on television (if you ignore the fangs).

I’m also very excited to see a throwdown between the witches and the vampires. Witches have always played a strange role on TVD; they are, or should be, the most powerful characters walking around, but they always seem to be in the service of some vampire. Uncomfortable racial politics aside, it’s just strange that such powerful creatures are so willing to bow down to a someone when they could just as easily blow up their skulls with a sideways glance. Hopefully we’ll see exactly what Marcel has done to cow the New Orleans witches … and see the witches fight back.

There’s a lot of potential in The Originals … and one potentially ruinous plot choice.