TM
Vampire Diaries – S04E22 – The Walking Dead
Stefan Salvatore: Elena, if you want to get through your hategrief, you have to focus on one single thing!
Elena Gilbert: I tried, Stefan! I tried focusing on smashing these concrete blocks, I focused on smashing those wooden boards, I focused on doing pullups, and I even focused on the awesome CW soundtrack! But the only thing I can get happy about is my idiotic quest to murder a vampire five hundred years my senior!
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, so when I said “focus on one single thing,” I was kinda talking about Little Stefan.
Elena Gilbert: …I’m gonna go take a shower.
Stefan Salvatore: Need help? :-)=
Elena Gilbert: No.
Stefan Salvatore: :-(=
Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena! I can’t believe its almost graduation day! And aside from all of the inevitable slaughter, I’m super excited for all of the graduation presents I’m certain to get! We should send out invitations to all of our loved ones!
Elena Gilbert: …
Caroline Forbes: Oh, right, sorry about that.
Katherine Pierce: So Bonnie, care to rehash your plan for the audience?
Bonnie Bennett: Sure! You know the Bermuda triangle?
Katherine Pierce: That odd geographic structure with strange electromagnetic properties where weird shit happens on a constant basis?
Bonnie Bennett: Yep! I’m going to use the energies from three of this town’s many, many massacres to create our own Mystic Falls Triangle, but instead of lost ships it’ll have every single undead monstrosity that has ever walked the earth, free and looking for revenge!
Katherine Pierce: That is literally the dumbest plan I have ever heard, and I spent years hanging out with the Salvatore brothers.
Bonnie Bennett: Also I blah blah blah magic, you can’t go anywhere because our souls are linked or some shit.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! I just got done burning a few thousand hate-fueled calories with Elena!
Damon Salvatore: That’s funny, you have hero hair, not hate-sex hair.
Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi Guys! Remember how we emptied out the blood bank so the vampires wouldn’t have a convenient supply of food?
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah?
Sheriff Liz Forbes: And remember how we also forgot that all of the patients who can’t get out of bed are also filled with convenient blood?
Damon Salvatore: Facepalm
Katherine Pierce: Okay, I’m done with this Magic Spell of I Can’t Leave, so I think I’m just gonna rip your heart out.
Bonnie Bennett: Sorry! Linked souls, what happens to you happens to me, I’m sure that won’t come back to bite me in the ass later, blah blah blah!
Rebekah: Hi Elena! You are simultaneously boring the hell out of me and making me very very sad, so I think you should drink an entire 40 and bang a football player. Just not Matt. Because Matt is mine.
Matt Donovan: Hey guys? Who ordered the power outage with a side of tornado?
Bonnie Bennett: I’ll get you, my pretty! You and your little dog Toto, too!
Elena Gilbert: Oh shit! Jeremy’s dog! We totally forgot about Jeremy’s dog!
Sheriff Liz Forbes: Why look, the origins of the power outage corresponds to the location of Silas’ expression triangle ritual murders!
Damon Salvatore: And some high school chick saw Bonnie leaving Lockwood Estates with “Elena!”
Stefan Salvatore: OMG! Bonnie is working with Elena to resurrect Qetsiyah in order to curse Katherine!
Damon Salvatore: So close, but still so very far.
Damon Salvatore: Okay, let’s stop Bonnie from ending the world! Again!
Elena Gilbert: Look, I like the idea of reality still being here tomorrow as much as you do, but, you have to admit that if the zombie apocalypse happens tonight, there’s a very high probability that Katherine will die! So at least there’s a bright spot!
Damon Salvatore: You seriously need a hobby. Have you ever considered knitting? I hear lots of girls are into knitting these days.
Caroline Forbes: I don’t get it! The school is the center of the Expression Triangle of Trigonometric Terror, but Bonnie isn’t here!
Stefan Salvatore: If only the high school had been built on top of some sort of subterranean temple of ritual sacrifice …
Bonnie Bennett: Thank God the school was built on top of some sort of subterranean temple of ritual sacrifice!
Rupert Giles: Oh for fuck’s sake. Facepalm
Katherine Pierce: Hey, look what I have in my purse! The tombstone containing the blood of the most powerful witch who ever lived!
Damon Salvatore: So Elena, I’ve been thinking about this for at least two seconds, and I’ve decided that killing Katherine will destroy our ratings. I mean, will unleash a flood of guilt and rage and hopelessness and despair, and probably make you flip your switch again.
Elena Gilbert: But Damon, what if killing Katherine unleashes a flood of hatemail? I mean, a flood of happiness and joy and contented peace, all of those things you were afraid I would lose when I became a vampire? What if killing Katherine is the one thing that can put Little Elena back into service, if you know what I mean?
Damon Salvatore: Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to–
Elena Gilbert: A wooden stake in the gut? Sure thing! Stab stab stabbity stab!
Bonnie Bennett: “Through the power of three gruesome deeds, magic make this old rock bleed!”
Katherine Pierce: You are on creepy bitch.
Bonnie Bennett: “Time for another plot to fail, magic rend the Other Side veil!”
Alaric Saltzman: Hi guys! I miss anything?
Damon Salvatore: Okay, before I start booking the Epic Badass Drinking Tour of 2013, prove you’re really Alaric, and not Silas showing me what I want to see.
Alaric Saltzman: I keep a bottle of whiskey in Locker 42.
Damon Salvatore: My best friend has returned!
Alaric Saltzman: Well, yes, your best friend. And a horde of vile, evil, vengeful creatures, most of whom have good reason to slaughter you and/or the ones you love.
Damon Salvatore: I have someone to drink with again!
Matt Donovan: Well, the power’s out, we’ve got a dozen candles and the fireplace burning, everyone else has gone home to hide from the latest apocalypse …
Rebekah: There’s really only one thing to do …
Kol: Die screaming after I throw a broken wine bottle through your shoulder?
Matt Donovan: Oh good, time for my weekly Thursday Ass Kicking. I was afraid somebody forgot.
Bonnie Bennett: “It’s time for my magic to be unfurled, with a spell that will end the world!”
Katherine Pierce: That’s nice, but I’m gonna go find out what rancid abomination is sneaking around in these tunnels with us.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Katherine! Gutstab!
Bonnie Bennett: Yep, really regretting that whole “linking our souls thing” right now.
Elena Gilbert: Hey, I wonder what will happen if I ram your face against this red-hot steam pipe?
Bonnie Bennett: Could I suggest maybe not doing that?
Elena Gilbert: And then ram this stake into your cold dead heart!
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire saving the best character on the show powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: God damn it, Stefan! I was this close to only having to memorize one set of lines!
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, but killing Katherine would have killed Bonnie, too!
Elena Gilbert: See? No downsides at all!
Rebekah: So Matt, I really do appreciate the chance to brush up on my completely unnecessary first aid skills, but why don’t you just drink some of my magical vampire blood, then bend me over the bar and take me like you own me?
Matt Donovan: Yeah, no, sorry, I’m amazingly dumb.
Caroline Forbes: Hi guys! Hey, has anyone else been compelled to take a shard of glass to their wrists, over and over again? Just me? Okay then! Slice!
Caroline Forbes: Hi Bonnie! Everything’s going to be okay!
Bonnie Bennett: Yay!
Silas: Just kidding! LOL! Time to end the world!
Stefan Salvatore: Elena! Killing Katherine won’t make you feel better!
Elena Gilbert: No, but it might distract me!
Stefan Salvatore: Hey babe, if you want a distraction, I have just thing thing!
Elena Gilbert: You mean …
Stefan Salvatore: That’s right! I just got the latest Bioshock game!
Caroline Forbes: Cut cut cut, slice slice slice, cut cut cut!
Matt Donovan: Um, Rebekah? Can’t you compel her to stop?
Rebekah: Nope! She’s been drinking vervain!
Matt Donovan: Then how did Silas compel her?
Rebekah: Shut your ignorant mouth! Also: Super Rebekah bitchslap powers activate!
Caroline Forbes: Thanks, Rebekah! That was the best slap I’ve ever had!
Rebekah: I like to think we both got something out of it.
Alaric Saltzman: So let’s recap: Silas is somewhere in the school, Bonnie has brought every evil creature that ever died back to life, Elena is trying to kill Katherine, and you’re afraid she’s going back to Team Stefan as soon as she gets her humanity back?
Damon Salvatore: Pretty much!
Alaric Saltzman: And you haven’t asked Elena how she feels because …
Damon Salvatore: Because talking is for stupid people and I prefer sex and murder and liquor.
Silas: Okay, so this is really simple. All you have to do is drop the veil, give me the cure, let me die, and then carry on with your meaningless existence.
Bonnie Bennett: Yeah, no, that doesn’t seem end-of-the-world-y enough.
Silas: Alternately, I could slowly suffocate you to death, then torture all of your friends and loved ones over the next few hundred years.
Bonnie Bennett: Now you’re talking!
Elena Gilbert: Oh Jeremy! I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to save your life! If only there was some way to get you, and Alaric, and maybe Lexi back on the show as regular cast members!
Gramma Bennett: Hi Bonnie! I just dropped by to tell you that Silas’ only power is mental magic, and you’re not actually suffocating, you just think you’re suffocating, and also you should totally use the black magic I told you to never ever use no matter how dire the circumstances because it will corrupt your soul and twist reality.
Bonnie Bennett: Wait, how do I know you’re not Silas, just telling me what I want to hear so that I’ll unwittingly complete his evil plan?
Gramma Bennett: Look, just shut up and end the world, okay?
Alaric Saltzman: Hi Damon! Any luck finding Silas?
Damon Salvatore: Sure did! Super Damon chain choking powers activate!
Silas: Curses! How did you see through my clever disguise?
Damon Salvatore: Oh, you know, school’s to the east, you came from the west, I have an eidetic memory for sub-school tunnel systems.
Bonnie Bennett: “It’s time for Silas to grumble and moan, as I turn him back to stone!”
Damon Salvatore: Hey, that was neat and all, but do you think maybe we should take a look at his face, just in case that knowledge becomes useful later?
Bonnie Bennett: Nah.
Kol: Hi Elena! Sorry that your brother’s dead! Because that means I won’t have the chance to murder him myself!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: I can’t believe you burned my X-Box. And our house. And my body. But mostly the X-Box.
Elena Gilbert: Um, Jeremy? Little help here?
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Let’s make a deal. You buy me a new X-Box, I’ll save your life from this rampaging, immortal maniac.
Elena Gilbert: Jeremy, for the love of God just–
Stefan Salvatore: Super Stefan sneaking up and snapping your neck from behind powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Stefan! You saved me!
Stefan Salvatore: You know, some people would think that such a heroic act deserved a certain reward …
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Sorry, dude. You’re not my type.
Damon Salvatore: So let’s review. Bonnie is Medusa, Silas is stone, but if he gets even one drop of blood, he’ll be awake, angry, and ready to end the world again. Also, we left him buried beneath the school, in a ritual sacrifice spot conveniently located just off the boiler room, where I’m certain tons of horny teenagers don’t sneak off to play hide the snake.
Stefan Salvatore: Another flawless victory for Team Salvatore! Self High-Five!
Elena Gilbert: Well, I’m going to go say goodbye to Jeremy. If only there was a way he and Alaric could stick around–
Bonnie Bennett: BRB, gonna go end the world!
Elena Gilbert: –You know, a way that didn’t involve freeing the endless evil hordes from their eternal prison. Bonnie? Bonnie? Where did you go?
Stefan Salvatore: Man, I’m so sad that Lexi didn’t come back from the Other Side!
Lexi: Hi guys! #Steroline
Damon Salvatore: So Alari, wanna help me get rid of Silas’ corpse?
Alaric Saltzman: Yeah, spend my last few moments as a sort-of-alive human burying a body. Sounds like fun!
Damon Salvatore: What? Because you’ve got another show to be on?
Alaric Saltzman: That’s cold, dude. So cold I almost don’t want to give you the Cure to Elena Being Interesting.
Gramma Bennett: Okay Bonnie, time to close the veil once and for all!
Bonnie Bennett: What was that? Tear down the veil and unleash hell on earth? Okay! “To round out our tiny cast, unleash the ghosts of monsters past!”
Rebekah: Hey, is that my long-dead boyfriend Alexander, who looks frighteningly like my brother Elijah, and was one of the original Vampire Hunters?
Connor Jordan: Hi guys!
Galen Vaughn: Let’s talk about who stole me Luck Charms!
Bonnie Bennett: Huh, looks like another one of my spells went slightly awry! Oh well, I’m sure no real harm was done.
Gramma Bennett: Hey Bonnie? You see that corpse over there? The one that looks shockingly like you just killed yourself with magic?
Thomas: Someone alter the Lollipop Guild! Ding dong the witch is dead mother fuckers!
The Plot: Thickens.
“Not everyone came back. Only the spirits with a reason to be in Mystic Falls.”
That reason, of course, being “the CW was able to negotiate a contract with favorable terms.”
This episode was what Ghost World wanted to be. A fond “how ya doing?” to favorite cast members of seasons past, friends who left us for greener pastures and leading roles. Or, in some cases, Friday night obscurity on a doomed meta-show.
I think it’s pretty much a guarantee that Alaric will stick around. He left the show because of “creative differences,” but I’m betting his bank account has even deeper creative differences with being empty. Lexi I’ll give a 50/50 chance of staying on as a regular, but I really, really hope she does; she’s one of my favorite characters of all time, and Damon is going to need another blonde to hatefuck now that Rebekah is heading to New Orleans.
I am super excited that Connor is back. He was a badass from the moment he first appeared on screen, and was one of the more credible threats the Mystic Falls gang ever faced. Vaughn I can take or leave, but I look forward to making a lot of Lucky Charms jokes and having the internet rage at me for not knowing he’s really Scottish.
And there’s room for a lot more people to come back, too. We could see Perl and Anna, Uncle Daddy John Gilbert (I think, not clear exactly how the rules work), Elena’s biological mother, Mason, pretty much everyone. It all depends on whether they have a “reason” to come back. That was good writing that took into account the realities of casting and contracting.
This felt kind of like a Season One or Two episode. Stefan’s a hero, Damon’s a loner, Katherine is evil, and Bonnie’s a fuckup. I really enjoyed this episode, and I hope they keep this feeling going forward. This was much more enjoyable than Elena being emo for forty-two minutes or the Salvatores trying to convince her that being awesome is super lame.
As much as I joke about wanting Bonnie dead, I do wish that they had made her truly evil for a while. But who knows, maybe she’s got a future as a vengeful ghost. She’s certainly not leaving this show.
