Vampire Diaries – S05E01 – I Know What You Did Last Summer

Once again the Dark Times came, and joy fled the land like a Bulgarian princess fleeing the wrath of a Jewish Viking angered that her suicide prevented him from murdering her himself.

But once again the Teachers spake, bidding us to heed the lessons of the past, reminding us of what happened…

Elena Gilbert: Dear Bonnie: Time for some exposition! Let’s see… I’ve been banging Damon all summer, Tyler’s banging some werewolf chick in the Appalachians, Matt is banging Rebekah and whatever chick Rebekah fancies that night, and Stefan is fucked. Guess that’s it! Kinda weird we haven’t heard from you in months and months. Hope you’re not dead LOL -xoxo Elena

Caroline Forbes: Dear Tyler: I sent in your college application, and wrote your essay, and filled out a bunch of scholarship forms, and mind-whammied the Dean into letting you in despite the fact that you’ve never gone to a class in your life every, but you still haven’t promised me that you’re going to go to the same college I am so that our love can last forever and ever! It’s almost like you’re living your life without clearing it through me first! Anyway, hope you’re not banging some werewolf chick in the Appalachians LOL -xoxo Carebear (p.s. is you are banging some werewolf chick in the Appalachians, I will personally murder everyone you’ve ever love. OH WAIT KLAUS DID THAT ALREADY HAHAHA SORRY)

Bonnie Bennett (via Jeremy Gilbert, because he’s all corporeal and stuff): Dear Elena: What? Dead? Why would you even say that? LOL no I’m not dead, I can totally touch things and everything, and no Jeremy isn’t typing this, that’s crazy talk. Anyway, I have to go and probably not be driven insane by my inability to affect the mortal world. Have fun at college!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Dear Diary: I have seen Damon’s penis too. Many. Times. But at least my cousin-sister is wrapped around it pretty much always. Jesus, do they even own clothes anymore? I know vampires have super stamina, but come the hell on. I sit on that couch, dude. And I know you’re all about the sweet nectar that flows from the veins of nubile coeds, but I eat food off of that table. Jesus. And the next time he suggests playing “hide the moonstone,” I am legit going to vomit. Oh well. Maybe if I give her the puppy dog eyes, Bonnie will let me pretend to touch her ectoplasmic boob. Christ. I hate my life. Good thing I’ll probably die like sixteen times in the next four weeks.

Stefan Salvatore: Dear Diary: glub glub glub glub gasp glub glub glub glub!

Damon Salvatore: So, any chance I can talk you out of going to college?

Elena Gilbert: Damon, no! I have to go to college and get educated and plan my career and set myself up for a life of hard work and success!

Damon Salvatore: …

Elena Gilbert: …

Damon Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: HAHAHAHAHA

Damon Salvatore: But seriously, my castle > your dorm, hot blood > meal plans, and my penis > homework. QED.

Elena Gilbert: Okay, let’s go over your cover story one more time.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Fine. So I was wracked with grief over the loss off… well, pick any of the hundreds of people who’ve died in the past four seasons, and I went a little crazy, got drunk, accidentally torched my family’s home, and faked my own death.

Elena Gilbert: And we’re not going to mention …?

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Vampires, werewolves, vampire werewolves, original vampires, original original vampires, witches, original witches, doppelgangers, the Other Side, a narrowly averted zombie apocalypse, dead history teachers that came back (briefly) from the dead as new original vampires, cures to immortality, or that thing I found in your sock drawer when I was looking for money.

Elena Gilbert: Perfect!

Damon Salvatore: Look Elena! It’s my penis!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: God damn it.

Damon Salvatore: Who wants to play hide the moonstone?

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: That’s it! I’m out!

Elena Gilbert: Hey Caroline, I’ve been having terrible premonitions of Stefan’s torturous demise… anything like that ever happen with you and Tyler?

Caroline Forbes: Well, I did find a pink dog collar in his bed once, and in that moment I envisioned his death very clearly.

Sheriff Liz Forbes: la la la la la I can’t hear you!

Bonnie Bennett: la la la la la you can’t hear me! Because I’m dead. 🙁

Elena Gilbert: Huh, there must have been some mistake! We were supposed to move into our dorms today, but instead they sent us to the Presidential Suite of the Grand Emerald Hotel!

Caroline Forbes: This is awesome! Let’s drink some blood!

Murdered Megan: Hi guys! This is so exciting! I can’t wait to be best friends! I sure hope I don’t die by the end of the episode! Tee hee!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: So… planning on breaking the whole “I’m totally dead” news any time soon?

Bonnie Bennett: Nah! I mean, how many dead people get to talk to slash spy on all their best friends?

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: In this town? All of them.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! So funny story, the college assigned a totally human and in no way supernatural girl to live with me and Caroline!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, the way I see it, you’ve got three options. 1. Compel her. 2. Eat her. 3. Three… what starts with three… some… I’ll be right over.

Katherine Pierce: Hi Damon! It’s a real shame that your one true love is hours and hours away! If only her exact physical replica could somehow help ease these long, lonely nights!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: No! He just put his pants back on! You shut your whore mouth and get back in your whore car and get out of this whore town!

Katherine Pierce: He doesn’t like showering in front of the boys after gym class, does he?

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: It is constantly in my face. All of the time. It never, ever stops.

Rebekah: So Matt, how about we continue our torrid love affair in New Orleans?

Matt Donovan: Nah, I’ve gotta clean grease traps and stuff.

Rebekah: Oh well! Guess I’ll have to fall into the arms of a soulful, singing megalomaniac tragically at odds with my beloved brother!

Marcel: Did somebody say my name?

Rebekah: BTW, did you ever find the Magic Ring of Not Dying that hussy stole from you in Prague?

Matt Donovan: No, but come on, how likely am I to die before it turns up?

Silas: Hi Sheriff Forbes! I’m an immortal witchpire with a raging superiority complex, but you’re of no help to me, so forget everything I just said!

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Okay bye bye!

Murdered Megan: So wait, you slept with Stefan, who came on to you because you look like Katherine, who slept with Damon and Stefan, but then you broke up with Stefan and started sleeping with Damon?

Elena Gilbert: Yep!

Murdered Megan: I need a flow chart!

Caroline Forbes: Don’t worry, you won’t be alive long enough to take the quiz. Especially is you touch my panini press!

A Ridiculously Attractive Black Guy: Hello ladies! Party at my frat house tonight! Also I’m probably a witch.

Jimmy the Jerk Jock: Hi Jeremy! We’re all pissed that you pretended to die a ton!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hi guys! I’m about to get expelled!

Andy the Asshole: I don’t get… it…

Jimmy the Jerk Jock: Shit.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Super Jeremy prick pounding powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Look Katherine, you’re obviously miserable, so why don’t you just let me turn you into a vampire again?

Katherine Pierce: Because I was cured with an immortal roofie and if I die now I might not come back so let’s just have a ton of sex instead!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: God damn it I just got done dealing with two dicks and I don’t need to see his again FUCK.

Stefan Salvatore: glub glub glub glub gasp glub glub glub glub!

Shoulder Devil Damon: You know what would (for some reason) make this all easier to deal with? ~ * ~ Flip That Switch! ~ * ~

Thomas: DOITDOITDOITDOITDOIT!

Caroline Forbes: You know how I told Megan to stay away from all of my stuff? Well joke’s on her, I’m totally gonna shotgun all of her water. Her vervain-laced, vampire poisoning water.

Murdered Megan: LOL did I forget to mention that I’m Connor’s illegitimate child or something tee hee!

Caroline Forbes: Okay, so I guess we have to kidnap, torture, and murder her, right?

Elena Gilbert: Caroline, the best way to keep our secret is to do normal Freshman stuff!

Caroline Forbes: Like what?

Elena Gilbert: Like that hot black guy!

Elena Gilbert: Hi hot black guy!

Jessie: My name’s Jessie!

Caroline Forbes: Witch guy?

Jessie: Jessie.

Caroline Forbes: Whatevs, you’ll probably be dead in a few episodes. Unless something crazy happens, like Tyler breaking up with me over the phone …

Damon Salvatore: I can’t believe you got expelled!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Remember that time you killed me?

Damon Salvatore: Fuck you.

Silas: Hi Damon! I look exactly like your brother!

Caroline Forbes: So, who wants to play murder the roommate?

Murdered Megan: Shit too late fuck I’m in trouble oh hell I’m gonna die SPLAT THUNK!

Murdered Megan: Dies.

Caroline Forbes: I love college!

Silas: Hi Damon! So, how’s the little un-un-dead strumpet?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, you know, trying to process the fact that she now has every STD known to man, and a couple they’ll probably name after her.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hi… Stefan… that’s a mighty off psychic sensation that accosted me the moment we made contact.

Bonnie Bennett: …So you know that spell I did? The one that bound Silas for as long as I was alive?

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Facepalm

Silas: Hi Katherine! Naked and petrified is a great look for you! Almost as great as slowly dying from asphyxiation!

Katherine Pierce: You know, I vastly prefer being the planner of nefarious plots, rather than the linchpin thereof.

Damon Salvatore: Well, looks like it’s time to kick some hero hair ass.

Elena Gilbert: Can you believe someone close to us is already dead?

Caroline Forbes: Right? Good thing we’ve had so much practice covering up our involvement in various and sundry crimes!

Diana Freeman, Campus Security: Hi guys! I’m about to be useless! And probably a witch!

Silas: So Damon, blah blah blah exposition, and also I’ll trade Stefan for Katherine.

Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Hey Jeremy, you know how I told you to get Katherine out of town? Well Stefan is in danger and Kat’s a big old hoe, so could you bring her back, kicking and screaming, to her slow, painful death? Thanks bud.

Katherine Pierce: Hey Jeremy, I can’t help but see that it looks like you’re driving me to my demise! On a totally unrelated note, do you have any idea what happens when I jerk the steering wheel out of your hands real fast?

Silas: So Damon, about that deal we made…

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, hold on. I gave Jeremy a clear, easy to follow instruction, and now I have to go see how he fucked it up.

Matt Donovan: Hey! You’re that girl that I slept with with that other girl and then you stole my Magic Ring of Not Dying!

Nadia: Oh, you mean this Magic Ring of Not Dying?

Matt Donovan: Hey, thanks, that’s might nice of you to-

The White Witch of the West: mumble mumble vaguely Russian!

Matt Donovan: I really shoulda gone to New Orleans.

Elena Gilbert: Wow, that’s weird! Someone enetered our dorm, stole Megan’s laptop, and wandered off with her suicide note!

Caroline Forbes: Wow! That couldn’t have been the police!

Elena Gilbert: Oh and hey, here’s a photo of Megan and my father. Well, looks like my family tree is even more fucked that I realized.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Help… dying… massive internal injuries…

Katherine Pierce: Later gator!

Damon Salvatore: God damn it Jeremy, if you die Elena will never fuck me again!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: At… least… won’t… have… to… see… your… penis… again!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! I’m banging some werewolf chick in the Appalachians!

Elena Gilbert: So, is this a bad time to suggest we play naughty coed pillow games?

Stefan Salvatore: glub glub glub glub gasp glub glub glub glub!

Shoulder Devil Damon: Flip that switch!

Shoulder Angel Elena: Stefan no! You must remain pure and good and unspoiled!

Shoulder Devil Damon: Let’s be honest, bro… when has listening to Elena ever worked out for you?

Stefan Salvatore: Good point!

Damon Salvatore: So, nefarious family secrets, murder, plots, and supernatural schemes?

Elena Gilbert: So, doppelgangers, double-crosses, and damsels in distress.

Damon Salvatore: Must be Thursday.

Rudy Hopkins: Hi guys! As Mayor of Mystic Falls, it falls to me to-

Silas: Hey guys! Wanna see something cool?

Rudy Hopkins: Fuck, I knew I should have told my agent not to hardball the producers.

Bonnie Bennett: I would very much like to not be useless right now.

Silas: Keep dreaming, Bonnie, keep dreaming.

The Plot: Thickens.

Welcome back, show.

Stefan’s predicament, drowning, coming back to life, and drowning again, continuously, forever, is fucking brilliant. And it totally plays into the mythology of the show. These vampires are suceptible to a lot of things. It won’t kill them, but it will make them miserable.

Every time Jeremy and Elena are on screen together, I get the creepiest feeling that Jeremy wants to throw her down and make out with her, right there. It freaks me out.

It’s curious that they didn’t at least put Matt’s life in jeopardy once before giving him back the Magic Ring of Not Dying, but I’m curious to see where they go with Threesome Barbie and the Grungy White Witch.

Katherine doesn’t want to be vamped, because it might not work. Here’s a plan: cut her, and see if Damon’s blood can heal her. If that works, chances are vamping will, too. Or, you know, Damon could just feed her some blood and snap her neck. I mean, it’s not like he’s above being a bit impulsive.

It was odd to me that the girls needed an invite to enter a frat house. I kind of figured two attractive girls in summer clothes would be implicitly welcome.

Silas seems to lack all of a vampire’s physical powers, but has significantly stronger mental powers. Interesting.

I loved the line “if I have to hear the word ‘doppelganger’ one more time, I’m gonna have to learn how to spell it.” That word is for serious fucking impossible to type.

Allow me to offer an alternative theory to the Shadow Self Silas said was created to “balance” out his immortality: when Silas was made immortal, everything mortal about him was cleaved off and shoved into the Shadow Self, kind of like Danny DeViot in Twins.