Vampire Diaries – S05E02 – True Lies

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! I’m here to comfort you! With my lady bits!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s awesome! I totally thought I was still trapped in a watery grave!

Elena Gilbert: Oh yeah, that’s right!

Stefan Salvatore: glub glub glub glub gasp glub glub glub glub!

Elena Gilbert: Sorry, off to sleep with your brother now!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, a lot of people are really sad about… what’s her name?

Caroline Forbes: Yeah, that girl… I think she was our roommate for about fifteen minutes?

Elena Gilbert: Whatever, let’s figure out who killed her, why she had vervain water, and how she knew my father.

Caroline Forbes: Or, we could go to a frat party and have a ton of “my werewolf boyfriend is off shagging some wereslut in the Appalachians” sex.

Damon Salvatore: Okay, so this lake is big, deep, and deserted. So if you could just do that whole “where’s the body thing…”

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Yeah, I’d love to and all, but then what would turn Stefan back into the Ripper?

Damon Salvatore: Fair enough.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hi Damon! We caught Katherine!

Matt Donovan: I’m gonna tie her up!

Damon Salvatore: That’s… surprisingly useful. Are you guys feeling okay?

Jessie: Hello ladies! Can I interest you in some study tips? Or maybe a different tip?

Dr. Max Westfield*: Hi everybody! I’m a huge dick, and probably a vampire hunter! Everyone gets a ‘D’ for the semester, unless someone cute shows me some tits real soon.

Elena Gilbert: And then he kicked us out of the classroom!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, let me offer you some quick options: murder him, torture him, kidnap and de-vervain him…

Elena Gilbert: Hold on, I have to make googley eyes at Stefan real quick! Bye bye!

Damon Salvatore: Huh. I probbaly should have told her that Stefan is on the bottom of a lake and Silas looks exactly like him. Stupid hindsight.

Silas: Hi Elena! Did I tell you how much it sucked when you left me for my brother? Or how Jeremy got expelled for beating the unholy hell out of like everyone in the Senior class?

Elena Gilbert: Well, I was looking for a reason to start skipping classes, so… thanks, Stefan!

Katherine Pierce: Woe is me! For I am hungry, and thirsty, and headachey, and need to pee!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Do you wanna kill her, or…

Katherine Pierce: Hey look at that over there what’s that look it’s super important that right over there!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Yeah, no, we aren’t falling for that.

Katherine Pierce: Poop.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Caroline!

Caroline Forbes: Damon! I’m in a towel!

Damon Salvatore: I’ve seen you in less, and I just drove six hundred miles over a commercial break. Have you seen my soon-to-be-ex girlfriend?

Silas: So Damon, what exactly does Elena see in you?

Damon Salvatore: My penis, mostly.

Caroline Forbes: You know, if you’d just told Elena the truth from the beginning, we could have avoided this whole mess!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah yeah yeah, hindsight and rationality and hey let’s murder some frat douches!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Jessie! Can you help me drown my sorrows in alcohol and bad decisions?

Jessie: Boy can I!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, are there any strange rumors or secret societies on campus?

Jessie: Well, there is this one–

Damon Salvatore: Thunk! Hi everyone! You’re welcome!

Elena Gilbert: …

Caroline Forbes: …I really wanted to get laid tonight.

Katherine Pierce: You know, I gave birth, watched my family get slaughtered, killed myself, and avoided a hybrid monster for five hundred years. I really do not want to die to the flu.

Matt Donovan: Okay guys, I’m gonna wander through the woods and get killed, see you in the morning!

Silas: Hi Matt! Neck snap!

Bonnie Bennett: Hi Matt! Your body’s over that way. Try not to go crazy on the journey. Also, I’m kinda dead.

Damon Salvatore: Okay, so I know you’re probably angry, but–

Elena Gilbert: Sorry, no time to talk, I have to strip you down…

Damon Salvatore: Yeah?

Elena Gilbert: Tie you up…

Damon Salvatore: Yeah!

Elena Gilbert: Shower you in vervain, fill the room with gas, and murder us both.

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, I really should have warned you about Silas.

Elena Gilbert: It’s okay, I’ll just stake myself to this chair and everything will be great! Stab!

Caroline Forbes: So, sorry about my best friend’s boyfriend beating you up.

Jessie: No big deal, I’ll feel way better after we have a ton of sex.

Caroline Forbes: Yeah, but my boyfriend would probably object to that.

Jessie: This night has not at all gone according to plan.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Okay, you take the keys, I’ll go rescue Matt.

Katherine Pierce: Or, we could both get out of here and live to see tomorrow.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Yeah, no, I’d way rather die with Matt than live with you.

Silas: Hi Jeremy! I’m gonna kill you!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Yeah, no, see, professional vampire hunter here.

Katherine Pierce: Also, I have a shotgun.

Silas: …

Katherine Pierce: …Boom.

Elena Gilbert: So let me get this straight… I left town for ten minutes, and sixteen people died, Stefan got tortured, and Bonnie turned into a ghost?

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, pretty much.

Elena Gilbert: Okay, I’m gonna blow us up a ton now.

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, that really isn’t the best plan I’ve ever heard of.

Elena Gilbert: So what do you suggest?

Damon Salvatore: I don’t know? Fantasize about Stefan for a while?

Elena Gilbert: Okay!

Damon Salvatore: Wait, really? God damn it.

Caroline Forbes: Hi guys? Did I walk in on something weird?

Matt Donovan: Okay, so once I jump back into my body, I’ll forget talking to you?

Bonnie Bennett: Yeah, but–

Matt Donovan: See you later!

Silas: Hi gas station attendant guy! I’d like to drink all of your blood please!

Gas Station Attendant Guy: Okay!

Gypsy Dude: Hi Silas! I’m gonna kill you a ton!

Gypsy Chick: Except I am going to suddenly, inevitably betray you!

Silas: I love this town.

Caroline Forbes: Elena, I can’t believe you’re dropping out of college after one day!

Elena Gilbert: I know, I never expected to last this long!

Dr. Max Westfield*: Hi Elena! Can I interest you in some deep, dark, familial mysteries? And maybe some teacher/student sex?

Elena Gilbert: Um, check back after the mid-season finale?

Dr. Max Westfield*: Deal!

Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi Damon! Funny thing, we found a box at the bottom of the lake, marked “Stefan Salvatore, don’t open until Christmas,” but inside was just a dead body, drained of blood! And leading in toward town, a while series of bodies, also drained of blood! What could that mean?

Damon Salvatore: Eh, it’s probably nothing.

The Plot: Thickens.