The Vampire Diaries – I’ll Remember (S06E01)

I, uh … huh. Hmm. Let’s see. Elena and Caroline went to college, and so did Ghost Bonnie? And Elena’s roommate got murdered super quick, because being anywhere around Elena is terribly dangerous? And I guess the college was run by Elena’s adoptive daddy’s bad-guy buddies, and they went around torturing vampires and stuff? And Damon got turned into a bigger monster, but then he got better? And he also found his long-lost best friend, who then killed himself by getting fisted by Stefan? And Katherine was aweseome went to Hell? And then there were a bunch of Gypsies Travelers who did a whole Invasion of the Body Snatchers thing and took over Mystic Falls? And then they used Elena’s and Stefan’s blood to make magic not a thing anymore? And then everyone died? Except Blondie the Albino Witch did a spell, and Bonnie brought them all back? Except Damon, because he was super tired of this shit? I guess?

Whatever. Alaric is back, so your argument is irrelevant.

Camp Ground of Chaos

Cute Young Guy: Hey there cute young girl, can I interest you in some underage alcohol, followed by some illicit sex!

Cute Young Girl: You sure can! But first we should totally go check out that strange noise!

Cute Young Guy: That sounds like a totally reasonable and not at all dangerous plan!

Cute Young Girl: I sure hope it isn’t a vampire or something! Tee hee!

Sheriff Forbes: Nope! It’s just me, the friendly neighborhood murder hider!

Cute Young Guy: Awesome! I thought we were in real trouble!

The Shadowy Form of a Fanged Former Cheerleader: Rawr!

Sheriff Forbes: Oh well, you guys are on your own! Tee hee!

Cemetery of Self Medication

Elena Gilbert: Dear diary, remember how the very first episode of this show opened with me talking to you about how it was a good day, except I had just lost the two people I love more than anything in the world, and then I proceeded to make a bunch of absolutely terrible choices? Well get ready for some deja vu!

Whitmore College of Carnage

Dr. Prof. Jo, MD, PHD, Starbucks Barrisa: Okay future doctors, and based on the amount of time you all spend in class, future failed doctors! What would you do if a patient came in complaining of shortness of breath, chest pain, jaw pain, and pain radiating down the left arm?

Elena Gilbert: Give him my blood.

Dr. Prof. Jo, MD, PHD, Starbucks Barrisa: …okay, let’s try another one. What would you do if a patient came in complaining of pain in the right arm, and you could clearly see the bone protruding from the elbow?

Elena Gilbert: Give him my blood.

Dr. Prof. Jo, MD, PHD, Starbucks Barrisa: …all right. Let’s say a patient presents with acute amnesia, a dazed expression, and a robotic, monotone voice?

Elena Gilbert: I’d give him vervain!

Dr. Prof. Jo, MD, PHD, Starbucks Barrisa: Right!

Elena Gilbert: And then I’d give him my blood.

Dr. Prof. Jo, MD, PHD, Starbucks Barrisa: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Saltzman’s School of Witchcraft and Whatthefuckery

Elena Gilbert: Hi Professor Alaric!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Elena! Shouldn’t you be in class?

Elena Gilbert: LOL Professor Alaric you’re the funniest! Okay gotta go rob the blood bank now, TTLY!

Tyler’s House of Terror

Matt Donovan: Hey Jeremy! I just got done training for the Ultimate Fighting Championship! What are you up to?

Jeremy Gilbert: Third base with this girl I just met. Shut up, go away, and leave a condom.

Whitmore College of Carnage

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Caroline! I know you dropped out of school and everything, but there’s going to be beer tonight!

Tyler Lockwood: And I’ll be performing inappropriately masculine acts of aggression!

Caroline Forbes: Those are two of my favorite things!

Luke Parker: Hi Elena! Would you like some very much not drugs that I just happen to have in my satchel?

Elena Gilbert: Not drugs? I would never do not drugs! How dare you even suggest that I might be on not drugs! I am grossly offended at your insinuation that I, Elena Gilbert, might have turned to not drugs to combat the loss of Damon Salvatore!

Mystic Falls Field of Fear

Caroline Forbes: I can’t believe that Elena is pretending to not be sad about Damon getting swept away into oblivion!

Sheriff Forbes: Isn’t that the same Damon you’ve spent the last two seasons bitching about?

Caroline Forbes: Stop trying to make me be consistent!

Cemetery of Self Medication

Elena Gilbert: Let’s see … two parts eye of newt, three parts toe of frog, and a dash of heroin, and …

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! I’m imaginary!

Saltzman’s School of Witchcraft and Whatthefuckery

Alaric Saltzman: Okay class, today we’re going to talk about the occult. As you should all know, occult means “hidden.” And since we’re like twenty minutes from Mystic Falls, I’m gonna skip all the basics and get right into forbidden rituals dsigned to rend the veil between this word and the next, allowing me to get my drinking buddy back. Any questions?

Sally Student: Um, yeah, Prof. Saltzman? I thought this was America History 101.

Carl the Coed: Also, that chick has a Big Gulp filled with blood.

Elena Gilbert: Innocent face.

Alaric Saltzman: Yeah, you guys are gonna be in for a rough semester.

Whitmore College of Carnage

Elena Gilbert: Hi Luke! I’ve been eating like a ton of people lately, and I wonder if it might have something to do with all the magic LSD I’ve been forcing you to give me.

Luke Parker: What? No, why would you even think that ingesting massive quantities of mind altering, magic herb could possible affect your personality in any way?

Elena Gilbert: Great, thanks, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear!

Greaser Joe’s Grim Garage

Greaser Joe: Hey Stefan! Pay day!

Stefan Salvatore: Awesome! Because I, a multi-millionaire, am clearly working in this garage for the paycheck, and not for some ulterior motive!

Greaser Joe: Great! Then you won’t mind if I rip you off a ton!

Cafe of Conjuring

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Caroline! I brought you a stack of creepy old grimoires, to aid in your ill-fated quest to get back to the town you died in all those times!

Caroline Forbes: Awesome! Also, could you tell Stefan to hurry up and get back here? My wrist is getting super tired.

Tyler’s House of Terror

Matt Donovan: Hey Jeremy! I can’t help but notice that you sleep till noon every day, bang a random hot chick, and then spend the rest of your time playing videogames!

Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah, and?

Matt Donovan: And? And awesome! That is literally everything I ever aspire to be and or do.

Dorm Rooms of Doom

Elena Gilbert: Hi Luke! You accidentally forgot to stop by my place at five and give my the hallucinotropics I need to see my dead boyfriend!

Luke Parker: Yeah, Elena, I’ve been thinking, and for your own good I–

Elena Gilbert: AM GOING TO GIVE ME EXACTLY WHAT I WANT OR SO HELP MY GOD I WILL TEAR YOUR THROAT OUT WITH MY TEETH. AND NOT MY POINTY TEETH, EITHER. NO. I WILL USE MY REGULAR, HUMAN TEETH AND GNAW YOUR THROAT UNTIL YOU DIE. AND IT WILL HURT. A LOT. AND NO, I WILL NOT GIVE YOU MY BLOOD AFTER THAT. FOR SOME REASON MY DOCTOR PROFESSOR SAYS THAT ISN’T A VALID SOLUTION TO EVERY SINGLE MEDICAL PROBLEM EVER DISCOVERED BY THE HUMAN RACE.

Highway to Hell

Elena Gilbert: Hi Imaginary Damon! I wanted to get your opinion on hooking Alaric up with my Doctor Professor!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, Elena? I think we need to talk about how you’re hitting the peace pipe twice a day, every day.

Elena Gilbert: GOD DAMN IT YOU’RE MY HALLUCINATION WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SIT THERE AND BE PRETTY AND DO ALL OF THE SEX?!?

Tailgate of Terror

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Tyler! Hey, I was wondering, since you’re now an unactivated werewolf again, and since it’s almost a full moon, and since you almost ripped my arm off for accidentally nudging you, maybe you should skip the alcohol tonight?

Tyler Lockwood: FUCK YOU I’M IN COMPLETE CONTROL.

Alaric Saltzman: …why did I come back here again?

Stefan’s Hotel of Heroes in Hiding

Ivy: Hey Stefan! I’m naked!

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry babe, I’m still boring. And a vampire. But mostly boring.

Tailgate of Terror

Dr. Prof. Jo, MD, PHD, Starbucks Barrisa: Hi Alaric! I’m a medical professor, a vegetarian, a Pisces, and a cheap date! Could I steal a shot of your whiskey?

Alaric Saltzman: Yes, whiskey, that is clearly what I have in this flask, whiskey. Not blood. Nope. Why would I even have blood here, right? I mean, it’s not like I have an insatiable appetite for the hot, wet life force of others!

Dr. Prof. Jo, MD, PHD, Starbucks Barrisa: You’re the occult teacher, aren’t you?

Alaric Saltzman: What gave it away?

Highway to Hell

Emily Expendable: Oh thank god you stopped! And thank god you’re a nice, normal girl, and not some kind of creepy murder rapist clown demon!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, you look delicious!

Emily Expendable: Oh god dammit.

Caroline Forbes: Elena Bleeping Gilbert! What do you think you’re doing?!?

Elena Gilbert: What? I make them forget after I mostly kill them!

Caroline Forbes: That’s not better!

Elena Gilbert: It must be the arcane LSD Luke has been giving me!

Caroline Forbes: Intervention. Now.

Town Square of Turmoil

Emily Expendable: Help! Help! I was attacked by a fanged former cheerleader!

Matt Donovan: Sigh Is it Thursday already?

Sheriff Forbes: This looks like a job for my skills as a cover-up artist!

Tripp: This will probably lead me to question your authority in the near future!

Stefan’s Cabin of Carnage

Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Stefan! I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with loss and grief in an appropriate and legal manner! Any advice?

Stefan Salvatore: Turn off your emotions and murder your way through an entire sorority of attractive young women?

Elena Gilbert: Yeah, I tried that already, didn’t seem to work.

Tailgate of Terror

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Tyler! Did you know Luke was giving Elena magic LSD that makes her see Damon and murder people a ton?

Tyler Lockwood: Murder people a ton? That sounds like a great idea!

Highway to Hell

Matt Donovan: Hi Emily! Allow me to explain why what happened to you today was actually not a bad thing at all!

Emily Expendable: Okay, so since everyone in this town is clearly insane, and since you’re clearly a kidnapper, I think I’m going to go ahead and run away now.

Caroline Forbes: Yeah, that would have been a real good idea like five minutes ago. Also, ~~~look into my eyes~~~

Tailgate of Terror

Luke Parker: Hi Tyler! I’m looking for Elena!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Luke! I’m looking for a flimsy excuse to vent all of my supernatural rage!

Luke Parker: I really wish I wasn’t so tiny.

Cemetery of Self Medication

Damon Salvatore: Elena, what are you doing with your life?

Elena Gilbert: You’re right! I’m a mess and drugs are bad and I can’t do this anymore!

Damon Salvatore: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU CAN’T LET ME GO I AM YOUR EVERYTHING!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, Hallucination Damon is just as crazy as I am!

Damon Salvatore: WE’RE A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN HELL SWEEPS WEEK!

Elena Gilbert: This is terrifying!

Damon Salvatore: LET ME COMFORT YOU!

Dorm Rooms of Doom

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Liv! I’m just hanging out here, doing chin-ups in the hallway!

Liv Parker: Yeah, um, so my brother told me you almost choked him to death last night.

Tyler Lockwood: That’s really going to hurt my chances at getting into your panties, isn’t it?

Liv Parker: For at least the next three episodes, yeah.

Stefan’s Cabin of Carnage

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Stefan! Here’s your hourly update on all of the goings-on in and around Mystic Falls! So Elena’s a druggie, Tyler’s totally going to murder someone to get his werewolf powers back, Matt is a vigilante, Jeremy’s a stoner again, Alaric is a college professor, and I haven’t had sex in months and I swear to god if you don’t come back here and do me right on this table I will murder everyone you’ve ever loved. Twice.

Stefan Salvatore: I need to get a burner phone.

Dorm Rooms of Doom

Elena Gilbert: Hi Alaric! I’ve realized that my grieving process has been less of a process and more of a drug-fueled reign of terror through the woods and dorm rooms of Mystic Falls, and I’ve decided that I need to change! But I need your help!

Alaric Saltzman: That’s great, Elena! Okay, so first we’ll–

Elena Gilbert: So I need you to brain whammy me into forgetting Damon ever existed!

Alaric Saltzman: …And you were our Valedictorian. Jesus wept.

~*~*~*The Great Beyond*~*~*~

Damon Salvatore: Hi Bonnie! Want some vampcakes?

Bonnie Bennett: I hate you so much.

Damon Salvatore: Which almost makes being dead worth it!

The Plot: Thickens.

Post Mortem

Okay, first I want to talk about a couple of things from the Season Five finale.

One, Damon has a straightline shifter in his Mustang. That’s great for racing, and pretty much useless for daily driving. Unless you like having to downshift four times to take a corner.

Second, Elena ended the season like she began, being the worst. Yes, there was a plan in place to bring her back after her suicide mission with Damon. A plan that would cause Bonnie excruciating pain not once, but twice, and also might kill her. But who cares, right? She got to make a useless “romantic” gesture.

Katherine should have eaten her years ago.

Third, Lexi is not dead. I don’t care what you say. She was the best.

Anyway, on to Season Six.

Holy. Shit.

This was a great episode, and a real callback to some of the show’s glory days. I’m not wild about the Terror Twins being back (they did nothing for me last season), but other than that, I’m really excited about where this is all going.

Nina Dobrev is amazing. The girl has such an incredible range. She is going to win an Emmy some day, mark my words.

Elena’s decision to deal with her grief by not dealing with it is perfectly in character, and I really think I’m going to enjoy watching her become more and more unraveled as the season progresses.

I love that Alaric teaches Occult Studies, and that not even the other professors think that’s a real thing.

I was kind of hoping for more Ripper Stefan, but for now I’ll settle for tortured, secret scheming Stefan. And his hot not-girlfriend. Ten to one he eats the guy that owns the mechanic shop.

This episode was really, really encouraging.