The Vampire Diaries – S01E05 – You're Undead to Me

Photographer: Okay, let’s just get a few more promo shots. Hey, let’s go up the that bridge right there. And, um… why don’t you hang one of the girls over the edge, like you’re going to throw her off. What? No, no one’s going to freak out. What’s the worst that could happen?

Damon Salvatore: Owwwwww my head! Dude, what did you put in my drink?

Stefan Salvatore: Anti-vampire ruffies. Blah blah blah, you’re evil, I’m going to leave you here in the basement until you’re too weak to kick my ass, then I’m going to burry you in the family crypt for fifty years, to teach you a lesson.

Thomas: Yeah, I’m sure he’s going to be a bundle of sunshine when that’s done with.

Damon Salvatore: Dude, you are such a dick.

Elena Gilbert: is too emo to write emo in her diary.

Vicki Donovan: is brushing her teeth in the Gilbert’s bathroom.

Vicki Donovan: Sorry, I’m just cleaning up after sullying your stoner brother. I’ll be out of you way in a sec!

Aunt Jenna: looks hot with her new hair.

Aunt Jenna: So, has Stefan called yet?

Elena Gilbert: No, and I’m not going to call him. I’m not going to be one of those pathetic girls whose life stops because of some guy.

Bella Swan: Did someone call my name?

Caroline Forbes: Damon bit me and my head’s all fuzzy. I’m sad.

Bonnie Bennet: I’m psychic! And I can start fires with my brain!

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry I haven’t been around lately. I was busying burying my brother alive.

Elena Gilbert: Oooookay then.

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: Hey Damon, I just came to chat (about the fact that your brother used the vampire ruffies I’ve been growing for the last sixteen years to poison you, and then locked you in my basement).

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: is an idiot.

Damon Salvatore: throat grab!

Stefan Salvatore: idiot uncle saving vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Okay, Stefan is an hour late for his little “I’m going to tell you everything” meet up.

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry I’m late! I got… held up. Doing… stuff.

Elena Gilbert: Like?

Stefan Salvatore: I can’t tell you.

Elena Gilbert: You have all these creepy secrets! How do I know you aren’t a serial killer or something?

Thomas: This girl is way too intelligent to be in a vampire story.

Creepy Exposition Guy: My God, you haven’t aged a day. (By the way, I’m implying that he’s really old. Like, at least thirty.)

Stefan Salvatore: Soooo, let’s go home now.

Sheriff Forbes: So, how goes the whole “seducing Aunt Jenna so you can steal the magic pocket watch from the Littlest Stoner” plan?

Aunt Jenna: Hey, Logan!

Logan Fell: Funny you should ask…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, did I mention I cook?

Elena Gilbert: I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish…

Stefan Salvatore: I’m just trying to get into your pants, honestly.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: Kidding! I’m still gay. And a chef. Anyway, vampire exposition powers activate!

Vicki Donovan: Look, I scored some of your sister’s old pain meds!

Jeremy Gilbert: Babe, I feel like we’re always getting high.

Vicki Donovan: Um, hello, do you think I hang out with you because of your dashing good looks and charm? Now shut up and make little stoner babies with me.

Elena Gilbert: Oh no, I cut myself with this giant knife, whilst cooking with my vampire boyfriend! Whoever could have foreseen!

Bonnie Bennet: Me, I’m psychic!

Thomas: Shut up. You aren’t even in this scene.

Stefan Salvatore: Crap! Fangs! Again!

Damon Salvatore: Caroline…</mind-powers>

Caroline Forbes: I can’t hear you la la la la la

The Bikini Car Wash: happens.

Matt Donovan: is totally human, and significantly paler than the vampire Stefan.

Bonnie Bennet: can make water explode, or something.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, that ring that makes you not blow up in the sun is getting all soapy! You should totally take it off right now.

Stefan Salvatore: Um, pass, thanks.

Creepy Exposition Guy: So, I just dropped by to check out all the high school girls in their bikinis, and to mention that I stayed at the Salvatore boarding house forty years ago, and met Stefan. Also, his uncle was eaten by a cougar or something (vampire).

Elena Gilbert: Ooooookay then.

Caroline Forbes: zombie-walks to the Salvatore boarding house, and is about to set Damon free.

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: vampire captive keeping human powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Nice try!

Damon Salvatore: snaps “Uncle” Zach’s neck

Caroline Forbes: hey it was nice to see you again time for me to be going you can’t come out in the sun without your ring right bye bye!

Some Girl: I don’t like you and I’m in charge, so why don’t you dry off the parking lot?

Bonnie Bennet: I know, I’ll use my brain fire to dry it off! This can’t possibly go wrong! (it does)

Elena Gilbert: searches the TV station’s database for information on the Salvatore animal (vampire) attack.

Thomas: tries to resist the urge to punch the TV and shout “that’s not how computers work!”

The Town Stoners: cavort in the cemetery at night.

Thomas: Wait for it…

Damon Salvatore: fangs!

Thomas: Ah, there we go.

Stefan Salvatore: evil brother staking vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: So, you’re like a vampire, right?

Stefan Salvatore: Darn it! Stake blocked!