X-Men - Apocalypse

Egypt - 3,600 Years Ago

En Sabah Nur: Okay, time to take over this new body, gain a mutant healing factor, and rule the world forever as an immortal god!

Ridiculously Competent Egyptian Guard: Time to enact my clever plan, which will destroy your massive temple and bury you beneath several millions of tons of rubble!

En Sabah Nur: But wouldn’t this plan require that you somehow modify the very structure of the pyramid I built with my mind in the after credits scene for X-Men: Days of Future Past, then quarry several multi-ton missile-boulders, and secretly position them on the missile-boulder-launching tubes you would have also needed to construct under my omnipotent nose without my noticing?

Ridiculously Competent Egyptian Guard: How about you shut up and take a nice long nap?

En Sabah Nur: Whatever.

The Soviet Dictatorship of Germanystan - Today

Flying Guy: We have to fight each other or they’ll shoot us!

Night Crawler: I know! I’ll use my teleportation powers to jump around this cage and battle you, but I won’t use them to escape!

Jennifer Lawrence’s Cell Phone: My agent told me that I am contractually obligated to appear in this pile of crap, so I’m just gonna phone in my performance, okay?

The People’s Republic Of Polandlovakia

Magneto Fassbender: Hello unnamed wife and unnamed daughter!

Unnamed Wife: Hello my love! These past years have been an unending series of blissful moments and happy memories!

Unnamed Daughter: I sure hope we don’t die at the end of the first act, forcing you to once again become a villain bent on subjugating humanity under the cruel thumb of a mutant theocracy!

Soviet Policeman Mikael Slaughterinski: Hey, I got this work order that says “murder Magneto’s wife and child for no good reason?” Not sure what that’s all about, but orders is orders, so …

Magneto Fassbender: Curse this unpredictable turn of events!

Egypt - Pyramids of Power

Special Agent Rose Byrne: At last I have tracked the mysterious cult of mutant-worshiping terrorists to their secret lair … a carpet store in Cairo!

Mutant-Worshipping Terrorist: Come brothers, let us descend into the ancient Pyramid of En Sabah Nur, to pay homage to our sleeping god!

Special Agent Rose Byrne: I sure hope my presence at this arcane ritual doesn’t awaken some great and terrible fiend from beyond the shadows of time!

En Sabah Nur: Hey, who left the light on?

Special Agent Rose Byrne: Shit.

En Sabah Nur: And lo, as it is written, I shall gather to myself four mutants of exceptional power, and grant unto them a portion of my own might, and ye, the world shall tremble before these Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

Verily, I have chosen Lightning Girl, she who can control the surging winds and raging tides, who can call forth the thunder and summon fire from the skies! And Olivia Munn, whose telepathic talents can rend the very elements! Next, I call to myself Magneto Fassbender, master of one of the fundamental forces of nature! And finally, I anoint Flying Guy, a guy who can … fly, I guess? So he can do one of the things two other horsemen can do? Just not as well? Whatever, I need to get this end of the world rolling, and you’re close by. Here, have some razor blade wings.

Flying Guy: Sweet!

Xavier’s School for the Criminally Mischievous

Sansa Stark: Oh no! I have seen a vision, and it is truly terrible!

Professor McAvoy: Jean, what did you see? Death and destruction? A war between humans and mutants? The end of the world?

Sansa Stark: Worse! I glimpsed the third act of this movie!

Heat Vision Guy: Can somebody make me a pair of fancy sunglasses so I can stare at Sansa’s boobs? Thanks.

Jennifer Lawrence’s Cell Phone: Hey guys, Magneto’s evil again.

Professor McAvoy: Shit, is it Tuesday already? Hold on, I’ll fire up the machine that nearly killed every human being on the planet in the last movie, and use it to find my best frenemy.

En Sabah Nur: Wait, what is this I detect? A massively powerful psychic, hooked up to a massively powerful brain amplification machine? Why, I could use that to kill every human being on the planet!

Professor McAvoy: In hindsight, I should have seen this coming.

En Sabah Nur: Haha! Now that our minds are one, I shall use the power you have so foolishly granted to take control of the world’s nuclear arsenal …

Professor McAvoy: And destroy humanity in one fell swoop?

En Sabah Nur: What? No, are you crazy? What kind of hackneyed supervillian plot do you think this is? I’m going to free the world from the scourge of nuclear armageddon!

Professor McAvoy: How … dastardly? Why are we mad at this guy again?

Chest Laser Guy: Hold on, I think I can defeat this guy by shooting our fighter jet with my chest laser!

Blue Furry Guy: Wait, that’s a terrible idea!

Runs Fast Man: Hey now, that terrible idea is setting up the only cool sequence in the movie. Don’t hate.

Col. Douchebag: Hey guys, I’m here to drag the new recruits off on a useless subplot!

Canadian Center for the Military Exploitation of Mutants and Stuff

Sgt. Reasonable: Okay, we have Special Agent Rose Byrne, Runs Fast Man, and Jennifer Lawrence’s Cell Phone in captivity, but what are we going to do with them again?

Col. Douchebag: Kill half an hour and then let them escape?

Sansa Stark: Hey, what do you think is in this giant metal cage?

Heat Vision Guy: The one marked Fanservice - Do Not Open?

Hugh Jackman: Wait, why am I here again?

Jennifer Lawrence’s Cell Phone: Hi Hugh! Remember how at the end of the last movie you passed out and almost drowned? But then I impersonated Col. Douchebag and dragged your body out of the water? Well it turns out that even though I was firmly a good guy when I did that, I sorta turned you over to Weapon X anyway.

Hugh Jackman: Holy shit, get me out of this terrible movie! [berserker rage]

Sansa Stark: Wow, this sure was a useless diversion! Let’s go wrap this movie up!

Egypt - Giant Greenscreen of Doom

En Sabah Nur: Okay, here’s the plan. I’m going to steal Professor McAvoy’s body, thus becoming psychic and finally omnipotent. Meanwhile, Magneto Fassbender, I need you to rip all of the metal out of the earth’s crust, making the planet an uninhabitable hellscape that we won’t even want to rule. Lightning Girl, use your powers to electrocute anyone who tries to stop us. Olivia Munn, that costume looks really uncomfortable.

Olivia Munn: I have a latex strip wedged inside my hoohaa.

En Sabah Nur: And Flying Guy, why don’t you … fly around or something? Whatever.

Jennifer Lawrence’s Cell Phone: Inspirational speech!

Lightning Girl: Wait, Jennifer Lawrence’s Cell Phone was a childhood hero of mine! I might be on the wrong side of this conflict!

Olivia Munn: I am going to have to bath in petroleum jelly to get out of this thing.

Flying Guy: [Dies in a plane crash]

Magneto Fassbender: Hey, we’re just about at the two and a half hour mark, time for me to see the error of my ways!

Runs Fast Man: Daddy!

Magneto Fassbender: Heh, I banged your mom.

Professor McAvoy: I shall call upon my vast mental powers to do battle with Oscar Isaac!

Sansa Stark: And I’ll set up a repeat of the Phoenix Saga, even though we already did that story earlier in this franchise!

En Sabah Nur: I should have stayed in bed.

Olivia Munn: Seriously, I have pleather in my uterus.

Xavier’s School of Architecture and Apologies

Sansa Stark: Not only am I telepathic and telekinetic, the Phoenix Force has granted my keen architectural abilities, allowing me to reform our school from a pile of rubble, creating a perfectly stable structure with working utilities and everything!

Professor McAvoy: It’s almost like we’re at exactly the same place we were when this movie started!

Special Agent Rose Byrne: Wait, don’t you ave to unlock the memories you stole from me a decade ago, leaving me a hollow shell of a woman with a deep-seated longing I could never explain nor fulfill?

Professor McAvoy: LOL, how silly of me!

Magneto Fassbender: Speaking of hitting the reset button, I have once again seen that your philosophy of strength through peace and love is superior to my philosophy or using flying metal bits to rend the flesh of my enemies!

Professor McAvoy: But you’ll still be the bad guy in the next movie, right?

Magneto Fassbender: Of course! It’s not like this moral lesson has taken root any of the other times I’ve learned it.

Jennifer Lawrence’s Cell Phone: Training montage!

Bryan Singer: Okay, that’ll be one billion dollars, please!

Batman and Superman: Good luck, buddy.