The Blonde Chick: I used to live in Butthole, Alaska, which, as you know, doesn’t see the sunlight for thirty days at a time. And as you also know, everyone in Butthole was killed last winter, except for me. Now, I know the official story is that a rabid polar bear ate everyone, but I’m here to tell you the real story. It was vampires. The end.

The Audience: Laughs.

The Blonde Chick: Yeah yeah, laugh it up. But I have proof! A couple of vampires always show up to these talks, so I brought some bajillion-watt tanning lamps!

The Vampires in the Audience: She’s bluffing.

The Blonde Chick: Bajillion-watt tanning lamp power activate! Literally!

The Vampires in the Audience: Burn, screech, die.

The Audience: Screams, runs, calls the police.

The Brother Strause: So every alien invasion movie I’ve ever seen has involved a cop or a soldier or a scientist or someone else how can we make out movie different?

The Other Brother Strause: We could make it revolve around an idiot rap star, his douche bag friend, his knocked-up girlfriend, and that guy from Dexter…

The Brother Strause: Brilliant!

The Brothers Strause: So yeah, it’s an alien invasion flick. You know Independence Day? Yeah, it’s nothing like that.

The Guy Who Cuts The Trailer: Independence Day? Got it.

George Clooney’s Lover: I love you George Clooney!

George Clooney: I love you to!

George Clooney’s Lover: Say, is that man with a gun trying to kill us?

George Clooney: Yep. Bang!

That Man With a Gun: Dies.

George Clooney’s Lover: That was scary!

George Clooney: Yep. Bang!

George Clooney’s Lover: Dies.

George Clooney: Hey, the Swedes found me. Again.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Dude, sucks for you. You should go hide out in Italy.

George Clooney: Arrives.

Assassin Chick: I need a gun. With bullets. And a silencer. And a box to carry it in.

George Clooney: No problem! I’ll craft the entire thing by hand, using the spare parts I take from Father Joe’s bastard son’s auto shop!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Hi George Clooney! I’m naked!

The Camera: Spends the next two days lingering on her breasts.

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: I’m in love with you, George Clooney!

George Clooney: Me too! But I don’t trust you!

George Clooney: Well, I’ve fallen in love with a hooker with a heart of gold, so I think it’s time to retire.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Okay! I’ll send over Assassin Chick to… um… debrief you.

Assassin Chick: Hi George Clooney! You may not recognize me, because I have slightly darker hair now!

George Clooney: Hi Assassin Chick! Here’s the gun I built for you by hand! Please don’t shoot me with it!

George Clooney: Here, take this giant wad of cash and meet me by the river! I have to go kill the assassin I just armed, and my old boss!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: …?

Assassin Chick: Hi George Clooney! Bang!

George Clooney: Ha! I knew you were going to double-cross me, so I rigged the gun to explode in your face!

Assassin Chick: Dies.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Bang!

George Clooney: Bang bang!

The Old Guy on the Phone: Dies.

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: George Clooney! You’re here! Now we can be together forever!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Sorry, babe. This is a “serious and meditative” movie, which means it has to have a depressing ending. Dies.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Jonas Martin: Creep creep creep…

Edward Cullen: I approve!

Elena Gilbert: What’s that noise?

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Elena! I’m naked! And sleeping with your Aunt! And leaving!

Aunt Jenna: …so, is this cool with you?

Elena Gilbert: Don’t be silly! Of course I’m all right with you sleeping with my vampire-hunting history teacher, who is also kinda my stepdad!

Jonas Martin: Will you people please go back to bed so I can finish rifling though Elena’s underwear drawer?

Since we’ve got a few weeks to kill before the next episode of The Vampire Diaries airs, I figured I’d create a thread where we can all speculate as to what we think will be happening once we make our way back to Mystic Falls.

This is a spoiler thread, so feel free to say whatever you want here, but I’ll be keeping to the non-spolier thread, myself.

Since we’ve got a few weeks to kill before the next episode of The Vampire Diaries airs, I figured I’d create a thread where we can all speculate as to what we think will be happening once we make our way back to Mystic Falls.

This is a no spoiler thread, so if you know something that we don’t, please go here.

As for my take:

Katherine is feeling all misty-eyed over her family, and that means feeling for great-great-granddaughter Elena. Redemption arc? I’m thinking yes. I’m also thinking that once Klause comes to town, the Scoobie Gang is going to bust her out of the tomb – thanks to Bonnie and Luka – and enlist her aid in Operation Ass Kicking.

Elena: will become a vampire by the end of the season. But who will be her sire?

Rose: is going to continue to work her way into Damon’s conscience and heart, and then she’ll die. Five episodes tops.

Tyler and Caroline: is going to happen, and I’m going to be pissed. But! Tyler’s a jerk, and hopefully Caroline will realize that he’s just one more tic on her ‘I date jerks’ list. And then start dating the jerk that I actually like, Damon.

The Lame Ass Mayan Curse of Mild Inconvenience and the Strange Case of the Very European Bloodline: will be quietly forgotten, and then someone’s going to say “Aztec? No, the curse was cast by a bunch of gypsies.”

Klaus: Will be a stereotypical Euro-trash vampire, and will not (quite) live up to his hype.

What are your thoughts?

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Katherine Pierce: UUUUUUUAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH giving birth sucks!

Bella Swan: Could be worse! At least your baby didn’t break your spine!

Edward Cullen: And your boyfriend didn’t have to give you a C-section with his teeth!

Daddy Pierce: And at least you aren’t going to have to raise the little Petrova doppelganger bastard child!

Katherine Pierce: Sadface!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Scary Ass Clown of Menacing Evil: Hi there guy who’s obviously a vampire hiding from the sunlight! I brought you that cute teenager you asked for!

Trevor: Thanks man! Just throw her in the trunk. Oh, and lean in real close… I’ve got something I need to show you.

Scary Ass Clown of Menacing Evil: That doesn’t sound like it’s going to end poorly for me at all!

Trevor: Fangs! Nom nom nom tasty stupid henchman nom!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Caroline Forbes: Hi Salvatores! I was at the only restaurant in town and I was staring at Matt because I love Matt and I love his abs and he tastes yummy but that’s why we can’t be together so I had to run away!

Damon Salvatore: Skip the teen drama.

Thomas: <3 Damon.

Caroline Forbes: And then I was hiding in the bathroom and Elena was there except Elena was at home so I knew it was Katherine and she said she wants the moonstone and I think we should give her the moonstone because if she doesn’t get the moonstone she’s going to kill people until they’re dead and it’s all going to happen tonight at… The Masquerade!

Damon Salvatore: Nice title drop. So can I kill Katherine now?

Stefan Salvatore: No!

Damon Salvatore: Eyeroll.

Stefan Salvatore: Because I’m going to kill her!

Damon Salvatore: Well okay then.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Elena Gilbert: Stares longingly at Stefan‘s abs.

Stefan Salvatore: You’re staring!

Elena Gilbert: I’m gazing!

Stefan Salvatore: It’s creepy!

Elena Gilbert: It’s romantic!

Thomas and The Girlfriend: Have had this exact conversation, with the roles reversed.

Katherine Pierce and Mason Lockwood: Roll around in bed.

Katherine Pierce: Mason, keep quiet! People will think I’m a floozy if they know the actress that plays me is making out with two hot guys in the opening montage!

Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Jealousy.

Elena Gilbert: So, do you think we should skip the volunteer event at the Lockwoods’ today?

Stefan Salvatore: What, just because he tried to murder me? Elena, if I avoided everyone that’s tried to murder me, I wouldn’t be able to leave the house!

Katherine Pierce: So, where’s the moonstone?

Mason Lockwood: Down there. Lower. Lower. Lower…

Katherine Pierce: …those are not the stones I was looking for.

Stefan Salvatore: Remember, no PDAs when we’re at the Lockwoods’!

Elena Gilbert: Pout!

Stefan Salvatore: Because Katherine will find out and get pissed and murder you in your sleep?

Elena Gilbert: Oh right!

Katherine Pierce: Nom nom nom tasty wolf blood nom!

Stefan Salvatore: Nom nom nom tasty Elena blood nom!

Thomas: Wow, it’s almost like Stelena and Katson have parallel, yet contrasting relationships!