Katherine Pierce (on the Phone): Hi Damon! What have I missed since last season?

Damon Salvatore: Well, Elena’s not dead, but her Aunt Jenna is, mostly because of Bonnie, so Alaric’s super pissed slash drunk all the time, and he keeps taking his pants off at me, Tyler’s a werewolf and banging Caroline, Elijah’s dead and Klaus is invulnerable, Stefan’s joined his team, and they’ve left a trail of sorority chicks’ body parts and failed werepire zombie corpses stretching from Florida to Tennessee.

Katherine Pierce (on the Phone): Sounds like fun! On a totally unrelated note, you should come visit me in Chicago!

Rachel Reporter: And in a shocking development, a resident of Mystic Falls died in what appears to be a completely non-bobcat related accident…

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I’m sorry I kinda chewed you out right after your girlfriend died! Why didn’t you tell me?

Damon Salvatore: Because you’re an eighteen year old high school student and the only people allowed to help me through my grief are Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker?

Elena Gilbert: But enough about you! Let’s talk about Stefan, who totally called me last night!

Damon Salvatore: What did he say?

Elena Gilbert: Absolutely nothing!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, that sounds like Stefan. Anyway, do you remember that conversation we had about all of the murders Stefan is doing? Trail of bodies? Pools of blood? Ruined dart boards? Stefan’s a lost cause.

Elena Gilbert: But if he was a lost cause he wouldn’t have called me!

Damon Salvatore: Now? You pick now to start being all logical and insightful? Goddammit.

Elena Gilbert: Anyway, I’m going to go get my thirty year old history teacher out of bed. Tee hee!

The summer was long, and cruel.

The heat was merciless, unrelenting. The sun offered no respite, no mercy. The humidity clung to our skin like Louisiana swamp water. Stefan was gone. Damon was… dealing with it, in his own way. Elena was inconsolable.

Stefan was gone, but we weren’t left alone. No, there were still other vampires out there. Older, more powerful. More entertaining. But water vapor wasn’t the only thing in the air. Change lurked on the horizon, crouching, waiting to pounce.

They were the vampires we recognized. The fangs, the oddly modern hair, the questionable life choices. But something was different. Something was wrong.

The vampires we had known and loved had suffered a grievous attack. Almost as fatal as a stake to the heart, but not nearly as quick, nor as merciful. No, our vampires hadn’t suffered a puncture to the pericardium. Instead, their testicles had been removed.

Gone were the snappy one-liners and the rampaging Viking sex. In their place we found naught but sloppy grins and puppy dog eyes.

For three long months we watched, and we suffered. Our vampires’ pain was our own. Their misery, our sorrow.

Through some arcane rite, our vampires did regain their balls, but it may have been too late. Saddened, disenchanted, we left Bon Temps behind. “We’ll see you next season,” we said, but we weren’t sure if we were telling the truth.

The trip to Georgia was quicker than we expected. Barely a week had passed, and we found ourselves pulling up to a sign that read:

Welcome to Mystic Falls

Population 15,39850

Well, here we are, in the midst of a TVD-free summer. I figured I’d set up a post where you can talk about your wish-list for season three.

Please keep this discussion Spoiler Free: let’s talk about what we want to happen, not what the script notes our cousin Larry stole from the set says will happen.

To get you started, here are a few of my desires for Season Three:

@iansomerhalder: Poor Damon…
   Retweeted by @MrsSalvatore22 and 1,634,749 others

@FangBanger101: Oh no! #DontDieDamon RT @iansomerhalder Poor Damon…

@VampiresFTW: Poor Damon… #savedamon #asilaydying #tvd finale

@Sexyhalder69: We have to save Poor Damon!

@ih8weres: I can’t believe what Tyler did to Poor Damon!

Thirty-two million tweets later…

Damon Salvatore: Wait, you think I’m going to die? Ian’s just sorry that I’m surrounded by idiots.

Damon Salvatore (in the Mirror): So, Bonnie’s really good eulogy. Let’s see: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today, to celebrate mourn the loss of that bitch our friend Bonnie, who was pretty much useless a very powerful witch, and who always put the plot other before herself. And she was… fuck, I don’t know, really pretty, and not at all annoying, and we’re really sad to see her go. Whisky.

The Producers: Last week was fantastic! People loved Elijah, and the Great Retcon of Lame Ass Curssitude went was a huge hit!

The Writers: Pat themselves on the back.

The Producers: There’s only a couple of things we want to tweak this week…

The Writers: You want us to get Elijah naked?

The Producers: No… well… but first, we want Elena to actually be the strong, smart girl that everyone’s been saying she is for the last few months.

The Writers: Got it… Elena needs to stop eating paint chips. And?

The Producers: Well, let’s make Stefan kind of a badass in this one.

The Writers: …now you’re just effing with people, aren’t you?

The Producers: Kinda.

The Producers: Okay, team, we’re in the final stretch. It’s time to bring our A-Game!

The Writers: You mean?

The Producers: Action! Mythology! Crazy eyes! Questionable parenting! And…

The Writers: Yeah?

The Producers: We have a little bit of cleaning up to do, with a certain Lame Ass Curse…

The Fiancee: So what do you want to do tonight?

Thomas: Well, Vampire Diaries is on, and then Grey’s , if it isn’t a rerun, then I’ll probably write my recap, and by that time I’ll be ready for bed…

The Fiancee: Oh… you know, your recaps are usually funnier when you sit on them for a day or so.

Thomas: …

The Fiancee: You know, to give it time to percolate…

Thomas: …

The Fiancee: They’re still awesome!

Thomas: …

The Fiancee: They’re just… awesome-er… when you wait.

Thomas: …harumph .

The Producers: All right folks, everyone have a nice break? Good. Because this is a very important episode.

The Writers: Do we finally get to explain how a fifteenth-century Bulgarian chick ended up playing a key role in an Aztec curse?

The Producers: …No. This episode is special because it’s Thomas’ birthday.

Ian Somerhalder: Wait, the same Thomas that writes those fiendishly clever recaps?

Nina Dobrev: Or the devilishly handsome blogger who lightheartedly points out of minor foibles?

Katerina Graham: Or the guy who cries out for my slow, painful demise every time I’m on screen?

The Producers: The very same! And since it’s his special day, we’re going to make this episode extra special for him…

Ian Somerhalder: I’ll go pick out a shirt to take off!

The Producers: No, you don’t… actually, yeah, that’s a good idea. Write that in. But no, we had something else in mind.

Nina Dobrev: I suppose Elena and Katherine could make out. I mean, that’s kind of a logistical problem, but I’m pretty flexible.

The Producers: No, we’re saving that for Sweeps. We were thinking…

Katerina Graham: Wibble.

The Producers: Relax, we’re still having that contest for Longest Running Annoying TV Personality, we can’t kill Bonnie off yet… Glenn Beck is still beating us.

The Writers: Actually…

The Producers: Anyway, there’s this one thing that still bugs Thomas about the show… and we need a new man-witch…