@iansomerhalder: Poor Damon…
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@FangBanger101: Oh no! #DontDieDamon RT @iansomerhalder Poor Damon…

@VampiresFTW: Poor Damon… #savedamon #asilaydying #tvd finale

@Sexyhalder69: We have to save Poor Damon!

@ih8weres: I can’t believe what Tyler did to Poor Damon!

Thirty-two million tweets later…

Damon Salvatore: Wait, you think I’m going to die? Ian’s just sorry that I’m surrounded by idiots.

Damon Salvatore (in the Mirror): So, Bonnie’s really good eulogy. Let’s see: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today, to celebrate mourn the loss of that bitch our friend Bonnie, who was pretty much useless a very powerful witch, and who always put the plot other before herself. And she was… fuck, I don’t know, really pretty, and not at all annoying, and we’re really sad to see her go. Whisky.

The Producers: Last week was fantastic! People loved Elijah, and the Great Retcon of Lame Ass Curssitude went was a huge hit!

The Writers: Pat themselves on the back.

The Producers: There’s only a couple of things we want to tweak this week…

The Writers: You want us to get Elijah naked?

The Producers: No… well… but first, we want Elena to actually be the strong, smart girl that everyone’s been saying she is for the last few months.

The Writers: Got it… Elena needs to stop eating paint chips. And?

The Producers: Well, let’s make Stefan kind of a badass in this one.

The Writers: …now you’re just effing with people, aren’t you?

The Producers: Kinda.

The Producers: Okay, team, we’re in the final stretch. It’s time to bring our A-Game!

The Writers: You mean?

The Producers: Action! Mythology! Crazy eyes! Questionable parenting! And…

The Writers: Yeah?

The Producers: We have a little bit of cleaning up to do, with a certain Lame Ass Curse…

The Fiancee: So what do you want to do tonight?

Thomas: Well, Vampire Diaries is on, and then Grey’s , if it isn’t a rerun, then I’ll probably write my recap, and by that time I’ll be ready for bed…

The Fiancee: Oh… you know, your recaps are usually funnier when you sit on them for a day or so.

Thomas: …

The Fiancee: You know, to give it time to percolate…

Thomas: …

The Fiancee: They’re still awesome!

Thomas: …

The Fiancee: They’re just… awesome-er… when you wait.

Thomas: …harumph .

The Producers: All right folks, everyone have a nice break? Good. Because this is a very important episode.

The Writers: Do we finally get to explain how a fifteenth-century Bulgarian chick ended up playing a key role in an Aztec curse?

The Producers: …No. This episode is special because it’s Thomas’ birthday.

Ian Somerhalder: Wait, the same Thomas that writes those fiendishly clever recaps?

Nina Dobrev: Or the devilishly handsome blogger who lightheartedly points out of minor foibles?

Katerina Graham: Or the guy who cries out for my slow, painful demise every time I’m on screen?

The Producers: The very same! And since it’s his special day, we’re going to make this episode extra special for him…

Ian Somerhalder: I’ll go pick out a shirt to take off!

The Producers: No, you don’t… actually, yeah, that’s a good idea. Write that in. But no, we had something else in mind.

Nina Dobrev: I suppose Elena and Katherine could make out. I mean, that’s kind of a logistical problem, but I’m pretty flexible.

The Producers: No, we’re saving that for Sweeps. We were thinking…

Katerina Graham: Wibble.

The Producers: Relax, we’re still having that contest for Longest Running Annoying TV Personality, we can’t kill Bonnie off yet… Glenn Beck is still beating us.

The Writers: Actually…

The Producers: Anyway, there’s this one thing that still bugs Thomas about the show… and we need a new man-witch…

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: Well, guys, it’s a sad day. The Martins’ contracts are up.

The Writers: You know, you could write contracts for more than five episodes. I mean, I’ve heard that other shows keep recurring characters for entire seasons, even years…

The Producers: Anyway, we want to send them off with a bang. And you know what that means…

The Writers: ?

The Producers: BAMF powers activate!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: This is fantastic! Hair flips, heart rips, torture porn… the fans are eating it up! But it feels like something’s still missing…

Ian Somerhalder: Unbuttons his shirt.

The Producers: No, that’s not what we had in mind…

Daniel Gillies: Coifs his hair.

The Producers: No, that’s not it either… hey, Matt Davis!

Matt Davis: …Urg?

The Producers: Do you remember how to say lines?

Matt Davis: Single tear.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: Last week was fantastic! Salvatore skin! Flamethrowers! Fanservice! There’s just one thing… Team Elijah is getting a bit… restless.

The Writers: Hmm…

The Producers: Also, those heart rips are really popular…

The Writers: So… Elijah, heart rips… I think we have an idea…

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: So, the CW has been taking a lot of heat lately. Something about Smallville and Supernatural, and something about burning the place to the ground and salting the earth.

The Writers: Well that certainly doesn’t sound good…

The Producers: No. And we aren’t immune, either. People aren’t in love with Tyloline, they think Elena has become a little too dumb to live in a horror movie, they’re afraid that Damon is losing his edge…

The Writers: What can we do?!?

The Producers: There’s only one thing we can do. It’s something we only like to turn to as a last resort. Something we like to save for Sweeps.

The Writers: You mean…?

The Producers: Yes. Fanservice. I want Salvatore skin as far as the eye can see. I want so much Vampire on Werewolf action that the Parent’s Television Council and PETA will be pissed at us. I want Stefan to man up for a change! I want so many extras dying, flames throwing, and hearts ripping that the gods will notice us again!

The Writers: We’ll go tell Ian to have his chest waxed…