Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Alaric Saltzman, in one of the few moments he’s been allowed on-screen this season, shared with us the fruits of his estranged wife / current vampire / Elena Gilbert‘s mother Isobel Flemming-Saltzman. To whit: The Myans got sick of all the hot Vampire on Werewolf action, and cast the Lame Ass Curse of Mild Inconvenience. The curse limits vampires to hunting at night – you know, when humans awake and ready to defend themselves – and limits the werewolves to shifting on the full moon. The keys to this curse are a piece of Moon Rock and the blood of a European family – the Petrovas – that wouldn’t arrive in South America for several hundred years, but let’s gloss over that for now. But let’s not gloss over the fact that Elena Gilbert is a doppelganger of Katherine Pierce, who are both really Petrovas, meaning Elena’s death can free the vampires from having to wear Magic Rings of Not Exploding in the Sunlight.

If that paragraph made any sense to you: I love you, and welcome home.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Tyler Lockwood (on the phone): Hey Mason, I filled up your voicemail, so now I’m leaving messages on your answering machine! Anyway, about this torture porn of you turning into a werewolf… it looks like it really hurts to turn into a werewolf, and since I’m going to turn into a werewolf tonight, I’d like to talk to another werewolf about it. Also: werewolf.

Jules: Aroof?

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Jonas Martin: Creep creep creep…

Edward Cullen: I approve!

Elena Gilbert: What’s that noise?

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Elena! I’m naked! And sleeping with your Aunt! And leaving!

Aunt Jenna: …so, is this cool with you?

Elena Gilbert: Don’t be silly! Of course I’m all right with you sleeping with my vampire-hunting history teacher, who is also kinda my stepdad!

Jonas Martin: Will you people please go back to bed so I can finish rifling though Elena’s underwear drawer?

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Katherine Pierce: UUUUUUUAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH giving birth sucks!

Bella Swan: Could be worse! At least your baby didn’t break your spine!

Edward Cullen: And your boyfriend didn’t have to give you a C-section with his teeth!

Daddy Pierce: And at least you aren’t going to have to raise the little Petrova doppelganger bastard child!

Katherine Pierce: Sadface!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Scary Ass Clown of Menacing Evil: Hi there guy who’s obviously a vampire hiding from the sunlight! I brought you that cute teenager you asked for!

Trevor: Thanks man! Just throw her in the trunk. Oh, and lean in real close… I’ve got something I need to show you.

Scary Ass Clown of Menacing Evil: That doesn’t sound like it’s going to end poorly for me at all!

Trevor: Fangs! Nom nom nom tasty stupid henchman nom!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Caroline Forbes: Hi Salvatores! I was at the only restaurant in town and I was staring at Matt because I love Matt and I love his abs and he tastes yummy but that’s why we can’t be together so I had to run away!

Damon Salvatore: Skip the teen drama.

Thomas: <3 Damon.

Caroline Forbes: And then I was hiding in the bathroom and Elena was there except Elena was at home so I knew it was Katherine and she said she wants the moonstone and I think we should give her the moonstone because if she doesn’t get the moonstone she’s going to kill people until they’re dead and it’s all going to happen tonight at… The Masquerade!

Damon Salvatore: Nice title drop. So can I kill Katherine now?

Stefan Salvatore: No!

Damon Salvatore: Eyeroll.

Stefan Salvatore: Because I’m going to kill her!

Damon Salvatore: Well okay then.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Elena Gilbert: Stares longingly at Stefan‘s abs.

Stefan Salvatore: You’re staring!

Elena Gilbert: I’m gazing!

Stefan Salvatore: It’s creepy!

Elena Gilbert: It’s romantic!

Thomas and The Girlfriend: Have had this exact conversation, with the roles reversed.

Katherine Pierce and Mason Lockwood: Roll around in bed.

Katherine Pierce: Mason, keep quiet! People will think I’m a floozy if they know the actress that plays me is making out with two hot guys in the opening montage!

Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Jealousy.

Elena Gilbert: So, do you think we should skip the volunteer event at the Lockwoods’ today?

Stefan Salvatore: What, just because he tried to murder me? Elena, if I avoided everyone that’s tried to murder me, I wouldn’t be able to leave the house!

Katherine Pierce: So, where’s the moonstone?

Mason Lockwood: Down there. Lower. Lower. Lower…

Katherine Pierce: …those are not the stones I was looking for.

Stefan Salvatore: Remember, no PDAs when we’re at the Lockwoods’!

Elena Gilbert: Pout!

Stefan Salvatore: Because Katherine will find out and get pissed and murder you in your sleep?

Elena Gilbert: Oh right!

Katherine Pierce: Nom nom nom tasty wolf blood nom!

Stefan Salvatore: Nom nom nom tasty Elena blood nom!

Thomas: Wow, it’s almost like Stelena and Katson have parallel, yet contrasting relationships!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Girlfriend: So, are we watching The Vampire Diaries again this week?

Thomas: Yep!

The Girlfriend: …I’ll go get my alcohol.

Jimmy: Hi Mason! I think you’re sleeping with my girl! Facepunch! Rib kick! Hair pull!

Mason Lockwood: Double leg takedown! Head break!

The Moon: Hello, Mason!

Mason Lockwood: …wait, what?

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Thomas: Hey babe, wanna watch The Vampire Diaries with me?

The Girlfriend: …sure?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Katherine! It’s the eighteen hundreds, and we’re dancing! Kissyface!

Katherine Pierce: Tut tut, Stefan! You know these people are all sexually repressed! Let’s just wave at each other!

Stefan Salvatore: Say, Damon looks pissed that you picked me to escort you to the ball!

Katherine Pierce: Well he’s just going to have to concede the fact that you’re a better lover dancer than he is. Besides, he’s found someone else to occupy his time…

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Ravish me please!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Alaric Saltzman: Hi guys! They can afford me for this episode! Also, my hair got big!

Damon Salvatore: That’s nice. So, can I offer you something? Bourbon? Coffee? Bourbon in your coffee?

Thomas: Loves Damon.

Stefan Salvatore: There’s no time for coffee, Damon! We need exposition!

Alaric Saltzman: Right! So, as you all know, my evil ex-wife was all about the vampires. What you may not know is that she also had a side business researching werewolves!

Damon Salvatore: BS. I’ve been around for more than 160 years, and I’ve never seen one… if werewolves exist, where are they?