Damon Salvatore (in the Mirror): So, Bonnie’s really good eulogy. Let’s see: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today, to celebrate mourn the loss of that bitch our friend Bonnie, who was pretty much useless a very powerful witch, and who always put the plot other before herself. And she was… fuck, I don’t know, really pretty, and not at all annoying, and we’re really sad to see her go. Whisky.

The Producers: Last week was fantastic! People loved Elijah, and the Great Retcon of Lame Ass Curssitude went was a huge hit!

The Writers: Pat themselves on the back.

The Producers: There’s only a couple of things we want to tweak this week…

The Writers: You want us to get Elijah naked?

The Producers: No… well… but first, we want Elena to actually be the strong, smart girl that everyone’s been saying she is for the last few months.

The Writers: Got it… Elena needs to stop eating paint chips. And?

The Producers: Well, let’s make Stefan kind of a badass in this one.

The Writers: …now you’re just effing with people, aren’t you?

The Producers: Kinda.

The Producers: Okay, team, we’re in the final stretch. It’s time to bring our A-Game!

The Writers: You mean?

The Producers: Action! Mythology! Crazy eyes! Questionable parenting! And…

The Writers: Yeah?

The Producers: We have a little bit of cleaning up to do, with a certain Lame Ass Curse…

The Fiancee: So what do you want to do tonight?

Thomas: Well, Vampire Diaries is on, and then Grey’s , if it isn’t a rerun, then I’ll probably write my recap, and by that time I’ll be ready for bed…

The Fiancee: Oh… you know, your recaps are usually funnier when you sit on them for a day or so.

Thomas: …

The Fiancee: You know, to give it time to percolate…

Thomas: …

The Fiancee: They’re still awesome!

Thomas: …

The Fiancee: They’re just… awesome-er… when you wait.

Thomas: …harumph .

The Producers: All right folks, everyone have a nice break? Good. Because this is a very important episode.

The Writers: Do we finally get to explain how a fifteenth-century Bulgarian chick ended up playing a key role in an Aztec curse?

The Producers: …No. This episode is special because it’s Thomas’ birthday.

Ian Somerhalder: Wait, the same Thomas that writes those fiendishly clever recaps?

Nina Dobrev: Or the devilishly handsome blogger who lightheartedly points out of minor foibles?

Katerina Graham: Or the guy who cries out for my slow, painful demise every time I’m on screen?

The Producers: The very same! And since it’s his special day, we’re going to make this episode extra special for him…

Ian Somerhalder: I’ll go pick out a shirt to take off!

The Producers: No, you don’t… actually, yeah, that’s a good idea. Write that in. But no, we had something else in mind.

Nina Dobrev: I suppose Elena and Katherine could make out. I mean, that’s kind of a logistical problem, but I’m pretty flexible.

The Producers: No, we’re saving that for Sweeps. We were thinking…

Katerina Graham: Wibble.

The Producers: Relax, we’re still having that contest for Longest Running Annoying TV Personality, we can’t kill Bonnie off yet… Glenn Beck is still beating us.

The Writers: Actually…

The Producers: Anyway, there’s this one thing that still bugs Thomas about the show… and we need a new man-witch…

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: Well, guys, it’s a sad day. The Martins’ contracts are up.

The Writers: You know, you could write contracts for more than five episodes. I mean, I’ve heard that other shows keep recurring characters for entire seasons, even years…

The Producers: Anyway, we want to send them off with a bang. And you know what that means…

The Writers: ?

The Producers: BAMF powers activate!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: This is fantastic! Hair flips, heart rips, torture porn… the fans are eating it up! But it feels like something’s still missing…

Ian Somerhalder: Unbuttons his shirt.

The Producers: No, that’s not what we had in mind…

Daniel Gillies: Coifs his hair.

The Producers: No, that’s not it either… hey, Matt Davis!

Matt Davis: …Urg?

The Producers: Do you remember how to say lines?

Matt Davis: Single tear.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: Last week was fantastic! Salvatore skin! Flamethrowers! Fanservice! There’s just one thing… Team Elijah is getting a bit… restless.

The Writers: Hmm…

The Producers: Also, those heart rips are really popular…

The Writers: So… Elijah, heart rips… I think we have an idea…

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: So, the CW has been taking a lot of heat lately. Something about Smallville and Supernatural, and something about burning the place to the ground and salting the earth.

The Writers: Well that certainly doesn’t sound good…

The Producers: No. And we aren’t immune, either. People aren’t in love with Tyloline, they think Elena has become a little too dumb to live in a horror movie, they’re afraid that Damon is losing his edge…

The Writers: What can we do?!?

The Producers: There’s only one thing we can do. It’s something we only like to turn to as a last resort. Something we like to save for Sweeps.

The Writers: You mean…?

The Producers: Yes. Fanservice. I want Salvatore skin as far as the eye can see. I want so much Vampire on Werewolf action that the Parent’s Television Council and PETA will be pissed at us. I want Stefan to man up for a change! I want so many extras dying, flames throwing, and hearts ripping that the gods will notice us again!

The Writers: We’ll go tell Ian to have his chest waxed…

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Alaric Saltzman, in one of the few moments he’s been allowed on-screen this season, shared with us the fruits of his estranged wife / current vampire / Elena Gilbert‘s mother Isobel Flemming-Saltzman. To whit: The Myans got sick of all the hot Vampire on Werewolf action, and cast the Lame Ass Curse of Mild Inconvenience. The curse limits vampires to hunting at night – you know, when humans awake and ready to defend themselves – and limits the werewolves to shifting on the full moon. The keys to this curse are a piece of Moon Rock and the blood of a European family – the Petrovas – that wouldn’t arrive in South America for several hundred years, but let’s gloss over that for now. But let’s not gloss over the fact that Elena Gilbert is a doppelganger of Katherine Pierce, who are both really Petrovas, meaning Elena’s death can free the vampires from having to wear Magic Rings of Not Exploding in the Sunlight.

If that paragraph made any sense to you: I love you, and welcome home.