The Vampire Diaries – S02E02 – Brave New World

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Thomas: Would like to point out that he is still pissed off at how fast people smother to death on TV. Go ahead, try to hold your breath for as long as Katherine was pillow-killing Caroline. Bet you didn’t die, did you?

Caroline Forbes: Wow, that sure was a wacky dream I had about Elena being a vampire and murdering me in my sleep! Tee hee!

Nurse Threelines: Um, back to bed honey.

Caroline Forbes: Gee, I sure am hungry. And you smell delicious. And that blood pack looks awfully tasty…

Nurse Threelines: That’s nice, dear. We’ll get you a psych consult in the morning.

Caroline Forbes: Blood sneak! Eew, this tastes disgusting! Just kidding! Blood is delicious! Om nom nom!

Bonnie Bennet: Gee, it sure is weird how Katherine looks just like you!

Elena Gilbert: What can I say? She’s played by the same actress.

Bonnie Bennet: Yeah, I guess that explains it. So, about Damon trying to kill your brother?

Elena Gilbert: We are officially not talking about that. Or anything else vampire related. Except for Stefan’s abs. I <3 stefan’s abs.

Bonnie Bennet: Okay, we’re going to be too busy setting up for this carnival to talk about blood sucking monsters that are totally real and look just like you and probably want to murder the entire town, anyway. This is hard work! How does Caroline do it every year?

Elena Gilbert: I know, right? It’s like she’s not even human. </foreshadowing>

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Jeremy! Here’s a bottle of anti-vampire pot! It will keep them from mind-whammying you, and it’s poisonous to vampires. I bet this won’t bite me in the ass later! Oh, and if you try to stake a vampire, it’s gotta be wood, and it’s gotta be through the heart.

Jeremy Gilbert: Dude, you’re pretty sure of yourself, telling me all the ways I can kill you.

Stefan Salvatore: Dude, if I thought you were trying to kill me, we’d be having a much different conversation.

Jeremy Gilbert: …right. Anyway, it’s Damon that deserves to die.

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, lemme know how that works out for you.

Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! Thanks for helping me set up the carnival! Also: since someone has tried to kill me or someone I love every week for the past three months, I am instituting a head in the sand policy. No V-word, no D-word, and no K-word. Tootles!

Carol Lockwood: Damon, now that my husband is dead, I’m taking over as mayor, since that is an inherited, not elected, position. And since I’ll be busy kissing babies and oppressing minorities, I need someone to run the Mystic Falls Watchers Council. And since you’re so honest, hot, noble, hot, kind, hot, brave, hot, trustworthy, and hot, I thought you’d be the ideal person!

Damon Salvatore: You want me to run the Anti-Vampire Watcher’s Council? This is going to be awesome.

Tyler Lockwood: I’m topless!

Jacob “Abs” Black: I did that first!

Mason Lockwood: So, about these fits of violent rage? Do you notice a pattern? Like, does it happen at night? Once a month, maybe? Perhaps around the full moon? Hint-hint, nudge-nudge.

Damon Salvatore: Super vampire hearing really well and listening to the werewolf boys’ conversation powers activate!

Matt Donovan: Hey baby! Don’t look so depressed! Here, let me open these blinds for you! The sun will cheer you up!

Caroline Forbes: Bleeping close the bleeping window you bleeping bleep bleep bleeper!

Matt Donovan: …I’ll just come back later.

Damon Salvatore: Nom nom nom, tasty blood pack nom!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, it’s great that you’re drinking blood from a blood bank and not from a sorority chick. I really thought you’d be…

Damon Salvatore: Exploding? Crazy eyes! Oh, I think the Lockwoods are Centaurs of something. Have fun dealing with Katherine! I’m going to go do something of questionable moral character.

Caroline Forbes: Well, if I’m going to sneak out of here in the middle of the night, the most important thing is to have my jewelry!

Elena’s Lesbian Friendship Necklace: Burns Caroline vervain-ily.

Caroline Forbes: Say, why am I teething again? And why are my eyes all veiny?

Nurse Redshirt: Are you all right?

Caroline Forbes: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Nurse Redshirt: Duuuuur…

Caroline Forbes: Nom nom nom!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, Carter? Can you help us with a blown speaker?

Bonnie Bennet: Wait, is that… an African American?

Carter the Carney Hand: As the only other person of color on this show, I am duty-bound to fall for you. And probably die by the end of the episode.

Mason Lockwood: Sneak sneak sneak, search search search.

Tyler Lockwood: So… you trying to steal our family jewels or something?

Mason Lockwood: No, I’m just looking for my mom’s moonstone, so I can stop turning into a dog every month.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Damon! Kind of a dick move, trying to kill me and all. You know what else would be a dick move? Me telling everyone that you’re really a vampire.

Damon Salvatore: Are you threatening me?

Jeremy Gilbert: Why, maybe I am! Since I have this here shiny new Magic Ring of Not Dying!

Damon Salvatore: Ring snatch!

Jeremy Gilbert: Pout!

Damon Salvatore: Dumbass.

Caroline Forbes: Hi mom! The doctor said I’m as good as new and not the walking dead and certainly not a vampire, so come and get me now! Kthankxbye!

Nurse Redshirt: Duuuuur…

Caroline Forbes: Oh, I’m really sorry about that neck. Now… what’s the story again?

Nurse Redshirt: My husband likes to get kinky.

Caroline Forbes: You’re the best puppet ever!

Tyler Lockwood: Takes on all comers.

Mason Lockwood: Beats Tyler.

Damon Salvatore: Ooh! Ooh! Do Stefan next!

Team Stefan: Gladly!

Mason Lockwood: Beats Stefan.

Damon Salvatore: You didn’t even try.

Stefan Salvatore: Actually, I did. Dun dun dun!

Damon Salvatore: Huh. Hey, let’s try an experiment. Carter, come over here! Also: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>

Carter the Carney Hand: That’s odd. I have the strangest urge to find out who Tyler Lockwood is, and kick his ass.

Caroline Forbes: Hey Damon! I just wanted to let you know that I remember you abusing me and mind-whammying me and eating me!

Damon Salvatore: Um, I beg to differ. There’s now way you could remember, unless you were… a… oh hell.

Caroline Forbes: Also, Katherine says hello! Super vampire shoving Damon down the hall powers activate!

Carter the Carney Hand: Punk shove!

Tyler Lockwood: Face punch!

Carter the Carney Hand: Backhand!

Mason Lockwood: Super werewolf jumping over the car and having weird eyes and kicking the carney hand’s ass powers activate!

Carter the Carney Hand: Well that sucked.

Matt Donovan: Hi Caroline! How are you feeling?

Caroline Forbes: I’m all better totally better certainly not a vampire why would you ask that silly I’m fine! Tee hee! Also, your pulse is really turning me on.

Matt Donovan: …thanks?

Elena Gilbert: Wait, how did Caroline become a V-word?

Damon Salvatore: I gave her my blood, Kath-

Elena Gilbert: Angry eyes.

Damon Salvatore: Sigh. K-word killed her, and now she’s a V-word. Pretty simple math.

Stefan Salvatore: That’s terrible!

Damon Salvatore: Good, so we’re all agreed? We kill Caroline before she can cause us any trouble? No? Dammit.

Caroline Forbes: Weep!

Carter the Carney Hand: Bleed. Say, are you all right? Bleed.

Caroline Forbes: Better than you’re about to be. Nom nom nom!

Matt Donovan: Man, Caroline is acting ever crazier than usual!

Bonnie Bennet: Kinda like she’s a vampire?

Matt Donovan: Maybe. I just thought it was that time of the month. I mean, she’s always talking about blood.

Damon Salvatore: You know the great thing about carnivals? All the convenient wooden stakes. Yoink!

Elena Gilbert: You’re not going to let him kill Caroline, are you Stefan?

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Tyler Lockwood: So, about you being able to jump twelve feet in the air, and having glowing puppy eyes?

Mason Lockwood: Well, you see, the car’s headlight reflected off of Venus and made my eyes, um, hey what’s that! Runs away.

Elena Gilbert: Where do you think Caroline is?

Stefan Salvatore: I don’t know, but I bet something good will happen if I follow the scent of blood I just picked up.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Caroline! You know what would make you feel better about eating Bonnie’s only hope for meaningful sexytime? A stake through the heart!

Caroline Forbes: Eep!

Stefan Salvatore: Brother tackle!

Damon Salvatore: Oh please. Stake lunge!

Elena Gilbert: Regular human diving in front of the stake so Damon can’t re-kill my best frenemy powers activate!

Caroline Forbes: Eep! You killed me!

Elena Gilbert: No, that was katherine!

Caroline Forbes: Then why does she look like you?

Elena Gilbert: Same actress.

Damon Salvatore: Okay, this is boring. She’s your problem now. Tootles!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch! And you’re covered in blood! And you ate the Token Black Love Interest!

Caroline Forbes: This sucks! I’m a monster and I ate someone and my face goes all veiny and my teeth go all fang-ey! How am I going to overcome this?

Stefan Salvatore: The same way you stop masturbating. Guilt, shame, and the occasional secret bender.

Damon Salvatore: I find that burying a body is always less dreary when you sing a show tune! Whistles.

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch! I can hurt vampires with my brain! And I can turn water into fire with my brain!

Damon Salvatore: I object!

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie! Stop!

Bonnie Bennet: Why?

Elena Gilbert: Because the fans would kill us!

Elena Gilbert: Well, thanks for all your help tonight Stefan. I’m going to go have an emotional breakdown. Talk to you tomorrow!

Tyler Lockwood: Why, look! A Magic Stone of Not Turning Into a Wolf! Or maybe of Turning Into a Wolf On Command! Who knows?

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Damon! Don’t drink the booze, I spiked it with anti-vampire pot. Also, I made this stake to kill you with, but I’m not going to.

Damon Salvatore: That’s awfully nice of you, Jeremy. But your whittling sucks.

Matt Donovan: Caroline! I just wanted to say that it would have sucked if you died. Because… I’m in love with you!

Caroline Forbes: Smootch! Fangs! Self control!

Stefan Salvatore: Ferris wheel smootch!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, is this ever going to get any easier?

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry babe, no way. People get pissed if the Plot: doesn’t Thicken.

The Plot: Thickens.