The Vampire Diaries – S02E04 – Memory Lane

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Thomas: Hey babe, wanna watch The Vampire Diaries with me?

The Girlfriend: …sure?

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Katherine! It’s the eighteen hundreds, and we’re dancing! Kissyface!

Katherine Pierce: Tut tut, Stefan! You know these people are all sexually repressed! Let’s just wave at each other!

Stefan Salvatore: Say, Damon looks pissed that you picked me to escort you to the ball!

Katherine Pierce: Well he’s just going to have to concede the fact that you’re a better lover dancer than he is. Besides, he’s found someone else to occupy his time…

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Ravish me please!

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, that doesn’t seem right! And since when did they have a Mystic Pizza Grill in the eighteen hundreds?

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! It’s your turn! And by “your turn,” I mean it’s time for you to grab your stick and your balls, aim at the hole, and shoot some pool! Smootches!

Team Damon: Is going to be really pissed when this is all a dream.

Katherine Pierce: Aw, poor Stefan. Seeing your girl make out with Damon must be almost as painful as me watching you make out with a girl played by the same actress!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, what a weird dream!

Team Damon: Is pissed.

Elena Gilbert Katherine Pierce: Snuggle snuggle.

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire blurring across the room to get away from my evil psycho ex powers activate!

Katherine Pierce: Wow, playing with your brain is fun! Tee hee!

Stefan Salvatore: All right Katherine, what do you want?

Katherine Pierce: Well, let’s see… I want Stefan’s abs, Stefan’s bottom, and Stefan’s… well, you know.

Stefan Salvatore: Well, since you put it that way…

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! Still hate me?

Elena Gilbert: Yep!

Damon Salvatore: Okay then! See you at there werewolf hunting party!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Tyler Lockwood: So, about this werewolf thing…

Mason Lockwood: Sorry bro, I’ve got to go try to get into Aunt Jenna’s pants.

Tyler Lockwood: Okay then, I guess you don’t care about this moonstone then…

Stefan Salvatore: Blood smoothie?

Katherine Pierce: Thanks babe! So, your diary says you have a werewolf problem?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure do! What do you know about them?

Katherine Pierce: Oh, you know. The Lockwoods were werewolves, blamed their murders on vampires, tried to have us all rounded up and killed. It’s a lot like Underworld, but without all the uncomfortable leather. Say, is that my photo in your diary?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure is!

Katherine Pierce: Kissyface!

Team Damon: Do it do it do it!

Stefan Salvatore: Almost kiss!

Team Damon: Yes yes yes yes yes!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire stabbing the evil psycho ex with an anti-vampire pot hypodermic needle powers activate!

Team Damon: Goddammit!

Katherine Pierce: I agree!

Stefan Salvatore: So, really, why are you back in Mystic Falls?

Katherine Pierce: Screw you!

Stefan Salvatore: Anti-vampire pot you!

Jack Bauer: I approve!

Mason Lockwood: Let’s do shots whooo!

Aunt Jenna: I love shots whooo!

Alaric Saltzman: I love that you love shots whooo!

Damon Salvatore: I love shots too!

Everyone Else: …

Damon Salvatore: Well all right then.

Mason Lockwood: Hi Damon! I’m Mason! I’ve heard great things about you!

Damon Salvatore: Really? That’s weird. Because I’m a dick.

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan I love you Stefan and I Miss you Stefan we haven’t talked in like five minutes and I hope you’re not making kissyfaces with your evil psycho ex tee hee call me bye bye!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena! Did I ever tell you that Stefan wants to tear out your throat every time he sees you? And that that’s why I broke up with Matt? Hint hint?

The Girlfriend: Wow… that girl on the porch and that girl in the dungeon are eerily similar.

Thomas: …oh wow do I have a story for you!

The Girlfriend: I need more alcohol.

Stefan Salvatore: Katherine, you’re hot! (except he said it all formal and accent-ey)

Katherine Pierce: Woe is me! For I am a vampire, and cannot bear to burden you with my curse! (except she didn’t say it quite so formal or quite so acent-ey)

Damon Salvatore: Hi Katherine! Sexytime?

Katherine Pierce: No, your brother’s declaration of love pretty much cock blocked you.

Caroline Forbes: Puppy! Skirt! Puppy in a skirt!

Aunt Jenna: Dog! Hound dog! You ain’t nothing but a hound dog!

Mason Lockwood: Dances with wolves.

Damon Salvatore: Mason wins again!

Mason Lockwood: Dances with wolves, she wolf, teen wolf, big bad wolf, wolf in sheep’s clothing… is there a theme here?

Damon Salvatore: Wow, your aunt’s drunk!

Elena Gilbert: Well, stop giving her alcohol!

Damon Salvatore: But I want her to like me! And there’s no way for a guy to get a girl to like her but to get her so drunk she blacks out!

Aunt Jenna: Damon, you’re a big poopeyhead. And I say that with authority, as I have dated many a poopeyhead in my time. Oh, and did I show you my grandmother’s silver collection?

Damon Salvatore: Squee!

Katherine Pierce: Hey, did I ever tell you about the time that I made a deal with the were-mayor of Mystic Falls to kill the Tombpires to fake my own death to get the Watchers Council off my tail? Those were great times.

Damon Salvatore: Who wants pie? Mason, you look like a guy that loves him some pie. Why don’t you start cutting it with this silver knife that is made out of silver. Silver.

Mason Lockwood: I’ll… use my hands, thanks.

Damon Salvatore and Alaric Saltzman: Significant look.

Alaric Saltzman: So, you ever wink wink and nudge nudge my girlfriend?

Aunt Jenna: No, I was winking and nudging the vampire TV reporter, remember? He had his own harem.

Damon Salvatore: Really? You struck me more as the… lone wolf type.

Mason Lockwood: Aw, I bet I wasn’t half the lady killer you are.

Damon Salvatore: Wow is that ever true.

Elena Gilbert: I wanna go to Stefan’s castle and see why he hasn’t returned my phone calls!

Caroline Forbes: I think you should stay here until Katherine’s done having her way with him!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: So, what did you give there were-mayor so that he’d help you fake your death?

Katherine Pierce: This season’s Plot Device, of course!

Mason Lockwood: So Aunt Jenna just broke out Guitar Hero… wanna split?

Damon Salvatore: Well I happen to love Guitar Hero… so you’re… barking up the wrong tree.

Mason Lockwood: Oh enough already! I’m a werewolf, you’re a vampire, it doesn’t have to be a thing!

The Cullens and the Quileutes: Yes it does!

Damon Salvatore: Huh. Aunt Jenna’s grandma’s silver collection just happens to contain a foot long stiletto. How fortuitous…

Caroline Forbes: So, just how many vampire/human couples do you think actually make it work?

Bella and Edward: We did!

Bill and Sookie: We did, too!

The Producers: Whisper whisper.

Bill and Sookie: Never mind!

Caroline Forbes: Wait, I have to hit the audience over the head with product placement. Car, what song is playing?

Caroline Forbes’ Car: We Radiate by Goldfrapp </stephen-hawking>

Mason Lockwood: Time for me to split!

Damon Salvatore: Time for me to follow him!

Alaric Saltzman and Aunt Jenna: Time for us to have off-screen sexytime!

Caroline Forbes: Sorry I ripped the plug out of my wheel so that we’d get stranded so that you wouldn’t walk in on Katherine ravishing Stefan!

Elena Gilbert: Maybe Aunt Jenna can give me a ride to the castle…

Caroline Forbes: You’re gonna get old and he’s gonna stay hot and you’re never gonna have babies and Katherine said if I don’t break you up she’s going to eat me!

Elena Gilbert: I’ll… just walk, okay?

Mason Lockwood: Hi Damon! More dog jokes?

Damon Salvatore: Nah! Silver stab!

Mason Lockwood: Ah! Oh! Pain! This silver! It… actually does nothing to me at all. Except piss me off.

Damon Salvatore: That… went differently in my head.

Katherine Pierce: So, you know that if you don’t break up with Elena I’m going to kill her, right?

Stefan Salvatore: So, you know if you try that I’ll stake you, right?

Katherine Pierce: So, you know that I’ve been drinking anti-vampire pot every day for the last hundred and fifty years, and I’ve only been sitting in this chair to give you a false sense of security, right?

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what?

Katherine Pierce: Chain break! Boyfriend smash!

The Girlfriend: I’ve spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder…

Elena Gilbert: Stefan I’m here and you haven’t been calling me and I’m worried about your abs!

Katherine Pierce: Leg stab! Girlfriend intimidate!

Elena Gilbert and Katherine Pierce: Super Hollywood being in the same shot as myself due to the magic of trick photography powers activate!

Katherine Pierce: Hi Caroline! You suck as a lackey!

Mason Lockwood: Hey douchebag.

Tyler Lockwood: Hey asshole.

Mason Lockwood: Hey, remember not to murder anyone, okay? You’ll get fleas.

Elena Gilbert: Oh Stefan! Our relationship is doomed!

Stefan Salvatore: And out love star-crossed!

Elena Gilbert: We must end this now!

Stefan Salvatore: Before someone gets hurt!

Caroline Forbes: Super vampire hearing Stefan and Elena breaking up and completely missing the fact that they’re obviously faking it for my benefit powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Super vampire hearing Stefan and Elena breaking up and completely missing the fact that they’re obviously faking it for Caroline’s benefit and getting my hopes up for no reason powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Stupid werewolves with their stupid not-allergy to stupid silver.

Katherine Pierce: Werewolf hunting? Don’t try to be a hero, Damon. It’ll get you killed.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, right! Like the time I tried to rescue you, and I got shot by my own father! And then you let me believe that you were tomb-trapped for a century and a half! And then you told me that you were in love with my brother, and just sleeping with me for the hell of it!

Katherine Pierce: Well, yes, sort of like that.

Elena Gilbert: I love you Stefan! Let’s never fake break up again! Don’t you think it’s weird how into you Katherine is?

Stefan Salvatore: Don’t worry, babe, she’s incapable of love!

Katherine Pierce: I love you, Stefan’s corpse! Don’t worry, we’ll be together some day! I mean, not for like a hundred and fifty years, and I won’t show up until you have finally found some semblance of happiness and peace, and I’ll spend an entire season tormenting you and playing with your mind, but I’ll be there!

The Plot: Thickens.