The Vampire Diaries – S02E13 – Daddy Issues

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

The Producers: So, the CW has been taking a lot of heat lately. Something about Smallville and Supernatural, and something about burning the place to the ground and salting the earth.

The Writers: Well that certainly doesn’t sound good…

The Producers: No. And we aren’t immune, either. People aren’t in love with Tyloline, they think Elena has become a little too dumb to live in a horror movie, they’re afraid that Damon is losing his edge…

The Writers: What can we do?!?

The Producers: There’s only one thing we can do. It’s something we only like to turn to as a last resort. Something we like to save for Sweeps.

The Writers: You mean…?

The Producers: Yes. Fanservice. I want Salvatore skin as far as the eye can see. I want so much Vampire on Werewolf action that the Parent’s Television Council and PETA will be pissed at us. I want Stefan to man up for a change! I want so many extras dying, flames throwing, and hearts ripping that the gods will notice us again!

The Writers: We’ll go tell Ian to have his chest waxed…

Caroline Forbes: My, what a bright and sunny… sniff… sniff… what smells like dog?

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! Broodface!

Caroline Forbes: So, about that kiss…

Tyler Lockwood: So, about Damon, who is a vampire, murdering my uncle Mason…

Caroline Forbes: Astonished face!

Tyler Lockwood: Car shove!

Title Crawl!

Damon Salvatore: Stupid Stefan in his stupid boxers getting the stupid fangirls all lathered up with his stupid abs. You want to see squee? Fine, I’ll show you squee. Look at this, ladies. I’m taking a shower. A hot, steamy, naked shower. And I’m all alone, and sad, and vulnerable. So what now?

Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Spontaneously orgasm.

Damon Salvatore: Damn right. Existential crisis that.

The Fiancee: Do we get to see Damon ass?

Damon Salvatore: Nope, just Damon towel.

The Fiancee: Pout.

Thomas: Sorry, babe.

Carol Lockwood (on the TV): As you all know, we’ve had yet another rash of unexplained murders. In order to help cheer everybody up, we’ve decided to  hold this week’s candlelight vigil in the middle of the day, so that the high school students will have yet another excuse to skip.

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Hi assface!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Jenna!

Aunt Jenna: Ejibijihu!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Alaric!

Alaric Saltzman: Whoa, my screen time is up for this week! Peace out!

Uncle John Gilbert: So, did Elena every tell you about how I’m her biological father?

Aunt Jenna: Ejibijihu!

Damon Salvatore: Nice move, bringing Uncle John Gilbert back to town. Douchebag.

Stefan Salvatore: What? So he tried to murder us all a few weeks back. Water under the bridge! Plus he knows Klaus’ secret plan!

Damon Salvatore: Which is?

Stefan Salvatore: Well, he’s not talking…

The Fiancee: Why do so many vampires have Edward Cullen’s haircut?

Damon Salvatore: Whatever, bro. I’m going to go get myself a Cullen and see if Elena will toss me a bone.

The Fiancee: See!

Jules: Hi Tyler! This scene serves no point!

Caroline Forbes: And then Tyler was all like There! and I was like No kissing! and he was like Mason! and I was like Crap! and he was like Shove! and I was like Scared! and he was like Betrayed! and I was like Sorry! and he was like Eat me! and I was like I don’t know if I can drink werewolf blood! and he was like Not what I meant! and I was like Oh sorry totally misread that! and he was like Walking off in a huff now! and I’m worried that he’s going to go after Damon! and Damon’s going to be like Heart rip! and that would make me Sad! because Tyler has Nice abs! and a Cute butt! which I totally got to see last night and you have to Help! because you’re so Smart! and Diplomatic! and Boring!

Stefan Salvatore: I know we don’t have to breathe, but… how did you do all of that in one breath?

Jules: So yeah, werewolves are Montagues, vampires are Capulets, shit’s gonna get real. Who wants pizza?

Damon Salvatore: So where’s uncle stumpy fingers?

Elena Gilbert: Probably out telling more people he’s my father.

Damon Salvatore: Okay. I’m gonna go kill him now.

Elena Gilbert: Damon!

Damon Salvatore: Kidding. Mostly.

Tyler Lockwood: Man I can’t wait to tell Twitter about this werepire crap…

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Tyler! I get to be kinda badass in this scene! I’m so excited!

Tyler Lockwood: Run!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire running faster than the werewolf powers activate!

Carol Lockwood: Tyler! Tyler, where are you! Tyler Tyler Tyler!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire putting the werewolf in a headlock and intimidating him into shutting up powers activate! Man, not being a huge sissy is awesome!

Jules: Hi Brady! Let’s make puppies! Then trick Tyler into joining us! Then get vengeance! Then make more puppies!

Stefan Salvatore: Really, all I want to do is talk…

Tyler Lockwood: Run!

Stefan Salvatore: But I’m also willing to kick your ass. Whatevs.

Carol Lockwood: Hi Uncle John Gilbert! I’m a complete figure head! And Damon runs the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council now!

Uncle John Gilbert: Facepalm.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Uncle John Gilbert! I’m a vampire sympathiser now! And I think you’re the douchiest douche that ever did douche!

Bonnie Bennet: Slow walk with my hair blowing powers activate!

Jeremy Gilbert: 😀

Jonas Martin: Hi Bonnie!

Jeremy Gilbert: D-:

Bonnie Bennet: D-:

Jonas Martin: Just dropped by to tell you Elijah’s totally cool! Peace out!

Aunt Jenna: So Elena is my sister’s husband’s brother’s daughter, and her mother is my boyfriend’s deceased wife.

Alaric Saltzman: I get to say more lines in this scene!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi guys!

Elena Gilbert: Remember, we just need answers. Don’t do anything stupid.

Damon Salvatore: But stupid’s so much more fun! Pout!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Damon!

Damon Salvatore: Crazy eyes!

The Fiancee: His eyebrows must be exhausted.

Stefan Salvatore: Caroline’s cool, so stop being a dick. And we can be friends! I mean, we have the same friends, like… um… and we go to the same school… I mean, when it’s in session, and we… want… similar… things?

Tyler Lockwood: Are we in marriage counseling right now? Also: Help Jules help I’ve been kidnapped by a menacing yet sultry vampire and I’m so afraid and slightly turned on but mostly afraid!

Stefan Salvatore: Goddammit.

Uncle John Gilbert: So I don’t feel comfortable sharing information with you until I know I can trust you.

Damon Salvatore: So I don’t feel comfortable not murdering you in your sleep unless… no, I pretty much just want to murder you in your sleep.

Matt Donovan: Hi Caroline! Can you jerk me around a little bit more? I really like being used!

Jules: Hi Caroline! I’m here to anti-vampire pot mace you!

Brady: And I’m here to shoot you in the goddamn face! Boom!

Thomas: God. Damn.

Caroline Forbes: UUUUWWWWAAAUUUGHHHH shoving a bullet out of your own brain sucks!

Brady: Hi Caroline! I’m here to shoot you and anti-vampire pot you and poke you with a sharp stick! And since I’m not Damon, this torture isn’t awesome!

Stefan Salvatore: I’m going to shout at you and intimidate you until you admit that we’re not a threat to you! Grr!

Jules (on the Phone): Hi Stefan! I’m gonna keep torturing Vampire Barbie until you bring me the puppy!

Andy Star: Hi Damon! I mumble when I say my name, so Thomas is just guessing and doing the best he can! Also: I want to do you right here on the bar!

Damon Salvatore: Well that’s sweet, but I think I’m going to go work on my alcoholism a bit.

Elena Gilbert: You don’t have to be so rude!

Damon Salvatore: Trust me, it’s better for women everywhere.

Stefan Salvatore (on the Phone): Hi Elena! I just wanted to tell you that-

Damon Salvatore: I have a reason to murder someone! Finally!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi guys!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Uncle John Gilbert! You watch the girl, I’m gonna go rip out some hearts!

Brady: Just in case my evilness hasn’t been sufficiently established: torture!

Uncle John Gilbert: I feel vaguely remorseful for all of the evil I’ve done!

Elena Gilbert: I feel the same way about pulling my pony tail so tight!

Stefan Salvatore: Blah blah blah, diplomacy and win-win and other boring crap.

Damon Salvatore: Aaaaand when that fails, I am personally going to give everyone in this clearing a cardioectomy. Smirk.

Jules: Wolf whistle!

Dozens and Dozens of Werewolves: Appear.

Damon Salvatore: Stops smirking.

Brady: So, which one of you killed Mason?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, right here, right here! Me, me, me!

Brady: Boys! Make sure that one suffers!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, this is going to be so much fun…

Stefan Salvatore: Um, I’m not sure that we can-

Damon Salvatore: Super vampire rushing across the clearing to murder Jules powers activate!

Jules: Super werewolf wall walking off the double wide to avoid Damon’s Fist of Death powers activate!

Some Guy: Super I remembered to bring a flamethrower to this party powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire using the flamethrower guy as a human shield and using the flamethrower as a flamethrower powers activate!

Some Stupid Werewolf: Super werewolf jumping down from the trees and landing on top of Damon powers activate!

And how, dear readers, do you suppose Damon will deal with this offense? Damon, the anti-hero who wants to be human, but just can’t be? Who wants to be the good guy, but just isn’t? Who wants Elena’s love, but is doomed to forever live in his brother’s shadow? How will this wounded, fragile man possibly cope with the pressures conspiring to crush him?

The Writers: Wait for it… wait for it…

Thomas: Oh please oh please oh please….

Damon Salvatore: Super Damon ripping his goddamn heart out while he’s still in the goddamn air and tossing it on the goddamn ground like it ain’t no goddamn thing because I am that. Goddamn. Awesome. Powers activate!

Tyler Lockwood: Hi Caroline! I’m conflicted as to whether or not I should help you escape!

Caroline Forbes: Well let me help you solve this dilemma… YES YOU SHOULD!

Some Other Werewolf: Super werewolf firing my crossbow at Stefan  powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire catching the cross bow bolt in the air because I am so a badass I don’t care what Damon says powers activate!

Yet Another Werewolf: Super werewolf that crossbow worked so well that I’m going to try it again  powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire catching the cross bow bolt in the air and ramming it into the werewolf’s neck because bad ass powers activate!

Yet Another Werewolf: Stefan stake!

Stefan Salvatore: Well that’s unfortunate.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, do you want to see what I learned watching Summer Slam? Shoulder carry into twisting neck breaker powers activate!

Jules: Oh screw this. Bang!

Damon Salvatore: Well that’s also unfortunate.

Jonas Martin: I can make aneurisms with my brain! And since I’ve leveled up, it’s a field effect!

A Whole Bunch of Werewolves: Hit the ground hard.

Jonas Martin: Hi guys! Just dropped by to tell you Elijah’s totally cool! Peace out!

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry about the kidnapping and the torture. I mean, it happens to Elena so often that I figured she’d be the one they went after…

Caroline Forbes: Well, I’m going to go cry in the shower now. But thanks!

Stefan Salvatore: I can come in, if you need some… comfort. Soulful eyes.

The Fiancee: You smootch him! You smootch him now!

Team Stefoline: What she said!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Damon! I was just joking about not trusting you. I brought over a handy Original Killing Kit, courtesy of Isobel!

Damon Salvatore: And where is Isobel?

Uncle John Gilbert: Contract negotiations. Give it a few weeks.

Caroline Forbes: …I really need to stop wearing white clothes.

Matt Donovan (on the Phone): So, about you blowing me off again?

Caroline Forbes: OMG SO SORRY. It was… Bonnie. I had a thing with Bonnie.

Matt Donovan (on the Phone): You mean the Bonnie that’s sitting here in the grill, not five feet from me?

Caroline Forbes: Yes that one!

Tyler Lockwood: So, sorry about the kidnapping and the torture and all. Still besties?

Caroline Forbes: Yeah, you know how you just stood there while they were going to slowly, painfully kill us all? Consider Team Tyloline disolved!

Team Tyloline (both of them): Boo!

Everyone Else: Yay!

The Writers: You’re welcome!

Uncle John Gilbert: Sorry about being a huge douche. Came to give you your (adoptive) mother’s necklace. I was going to pawn it, but I figured it would be worth more as a bribe for you.

Elena Gilbert: Weep!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey babe! If you’re done being all “me me me”, can you come help me cheer up Vampire Barbie?

Tyler Lockwood: Sorry all your buddies got murdered. This is worse than when everyone was fighting over the Moon Rock.

Jules: Wait, what?

Caroline Forbes: I’m wet! And Weepy!

Stefan Salvatore: I’m comforting! And accompanied by womens!

Elena Gilbert: I brought s’mores!

Bonnie Bennet: I can cook s’mores with my brain!

Andy Star: Thanks for the booty call!

The Fiancee: So. Much. Naked. Damon.

The Writers: You’re welcome!

Damon Salvatore: So… did I ever tell you how I’m in love with another girl?

Andy Star: Fantastic.

Damon Salvatore: And that I have a… secret?

Andy Star: What sort of secret?

Damon Salvatore: The sort of secret where I want to murder pretty much everyone I see and then dracula eyes you and then fang you. Speaking of… fangs!

Katherine Pierce: I can haz freedom?

Uncle John Gilbert: Working on it!

The Plot: Thickens.