Photographer: Okay, let’s just get a few more promo shots. Hey, let’s go up the that bridge right there. And, um… why don’t you hang one of the girls over the edge, like you’re going to throw her off. What? No, no one’s going to freak out. What’s the worst that could happen?

Damon Salvatore: Owwwwww my head! Dude, what did you put in my drink?

Stefan Salvatore: Anti-vampire ruffies. Blah blah blah, you’re evil, I’m going to leave you here in the basement until you’re too weak to kick my ass, then I’m going to burry you in the family crypt for fifty years, to teach you a lesson.

Thomas: Yeah, I’m sure he’s going to be a bundle of sunshine when that’s done with.

Damon Salvatore: Dude, you are such a dick.

Elena Gilbert: is too emo to write emo in her diary.

Vicki Donovan: is brushing her teeth in the Gilbert’s bathroom.

Vicki Donovan: Sorry, I’m just cleaning up after sullying your stoner brother. I’ll be out of you way in a sec!

Aunt Jenna: looks hot with her new hair.

Aunt Jenna: So, has Stefan called yet?

Elena Gilbert: No, and I’m not going to call him. I’m not going to be one of those pathetic girls whose life stops because of some guy.

Bella Swan: Did someone call my name?

Caroline Forbes: Damon bit me and my head’s all fuzzy. I’m sad.

Bonnie Bennet: I’m psychic! And I can start fires with my brain!

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry I haven’t been around lately. I was busying burying my brother alive.

Elena Gilbert: Oooookay then.

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: Hey Damon, I just came to chat (about the fact that your brother used the vampire ruffies I’ve been growing for the last sixteen years to poison you, and then locked you in my basement).

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: is an idiot.

Damon Salvatore: throat grab!

Stefan Salvatore: idiot uncle saving vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Okay, Stefan is an hour late for his little “I’m going to tell you everything” meet up.

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry I’m late! I got… held up. Doing… stuff.

Elena Gilbert: Like?

Stefan Salvatore: I can’t tell you.

Elena Gilbert: You have all these creepy secrets! How do I know you aren’t a serial killer or something?

Thomas: This girl is way too intelligent to be in a vampire story.

Creepy Exposition Guy: My God, you haven’t aged a day. (By the way, I’m implying that he’s really old. Like, at least thirty.)

Stefan Salvatore: Soooo, let’s go home now.

Sheriff Forbes: So, how goes the whole “seducing Aunt Jenna so you can steal the magic pocket watch from the Littlest Stoner” plan?

Aunt Jenna: Hey, Logan!

Logan Fell: Funny you should ask…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, did I mention I cook?

Elena Gilbert: I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish…

Stefan Salvatore: I’m just trying to get into your pants, honestly.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: Kidding! I’m still gay. And a chef. Anyway, vampire exposition powers activate!

Vicki Donovan: Look, I scored some of your sister’s old pain meds!

Jeremy Gilbert: Babe, I feel like we’re always getting high.

Vicki Donovan: Um, hello, do you think I hang out with you because of your dashing good looks and charm? Now shut up and make little stoner babies with me.

Elena Gilbert: Oh no, I cut myself with this giant knife, whilst cooking with my vampire boyfriend! Whoever could have foreseen!

Bonnie Bennet: Me, I’m psychic!

Thomas: Shut up. You aren’t even in this scene.

Stefan Salvatore: Crap! Fangs! Again!

Damon Salvatore: Caroline…</mind-powers>

Caroline Forbes: I can’t hear you la la la la la

The Bikini Car Wash: happens.

Matt Donovan: is totally human, and significantly paler than the vampire Stefan.

Bonnie Bennet: can make water explode, or something.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, that ring that makes you not blow up in the sun is getting all soapy! You should totally take it off right now.

Stefan Salvatore: Um, pass, thanks.

Creepy Exposition Guy: So, I just dropped by to check out all the high school girls in their bikinis, and to mention that I stayed at the Salvatore boarding house forty years ago, and met Stefan. Also, his uncle was eaten by a cougar or something (vampire).

Elena Gilbert: Ooooookay then.

Caroline Forbes: zombie-walks to the Salvatore boarding house, and is about to set Damon free.

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: vampire captive keeping human powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Nice try!

Damon Salvatore: snaps “Uncle” Zach’s neck

Caroline Forbes: hey it was nice to see you again time for me to be going you can’t come out in the sun without your ring right bye bye!

Some Girl: I don’t like you and I’m in charge, so why don’t you dry off the parking lot?

Bonnie Bennet: I know, I’ll use my brain fire to dry it off! This can’t possibly go wrong! (it does)

Elena Gilbert: searches the TV station’s database for information on the Salvatore animal (vampire) attack.

Thomas: tries to resist the urge to punch the TV and shout “that’s not how computers work!”

The Town Stoners: cavort in the cemetery at night.

Thomas: Wait for it…

Damon Salvatore: fangs!

Thomas: Ah, there we go.

Stefan Salvatore: evil brother staking vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: So, you’re like a vampire, right?

Stefan Salvatore: Darn it! Stake blocked!

So for some reason, IMDB told me that Ditzy Blonde Blood Donor Girl is named Caroline Truitt; turns out, it’s really Caroline Forbes. Corrected from here on out.

The Cute Young Couple: is missing once again, leaving me to believe that Damon ate all of the coupled attractive people within twenty square miles.

Thomas: admires his dedication and thoroughness.

Elena Gilbert: wakes up after being watched creepily by Damon. She senses a dark, looming presence, and like any other intelligent person, goes wandering through the dark to scratch its chin. She finds the television on, showing a breaking news bulletin of: her own murder.

Damon Salvatore: Ignore the fact that the “breaking news bulletin” was shot during the day, while it’s clearly nighttime. I am, to your utter astonishment, a vampire, and you are, to my utter delight, dinner. fangs!

Elena Gilbert: dies.

Thomas: Well, that sure was a short-lived series. I wonder what’s on-

Stefan Salvatore: wakes up from his nightmare.

Thomas: Oh.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro, good dream? Man screwing with your mind is fun.

Stefan Salvatore: You are such a douche. stab!

Damon Salvatore: Ow! counter stab!

Thomas: Okay, that was pretty cool.

Stefan Salvatore: I must fight this monster. But how do I fight a monster without becoming one myself?

Friedrich Nietzsche: Dude, excellent question.

Stefan Salvatore: What’s up, babe?

Elena Gilbert: Less talk more make out.

Stefan Salvatore: Ow, stop twisting my arm! smooch

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: are really not at all shy about doing who-knows-what in Elena’s bedroom, even when the rest of the family is downstairs eating breakfast.

Stefan Salvatore: Crap! Fangs! hides

Elena Gilbert: pout

Thomas: Side note: I’ve seen these two make out twice now, and both times I sat there thinking to myself “they both move like they’ve had a bit of juijuitsu training.” I realize that I have a problem.

Elena Gilbert: Hey wanna go to the Founder’s Dance with me I know its cheesy but it meant a lot to my dead parents and I think you’d be hot in a suite.

Stefan Salvatore: I would be honored to accompany you, Miss Elena Gilbert.

Thomas: See, that’s how you do “wow, he’s so suavely old-fashioned, you know, because he’s a centuries old vampire.” Not “I know lots of random dates, wanna sleep with me?” Attention Writers: DO THIS MORE.

Caroline Forbes: I can’t be seen in public with you, so you can’t come to the Founder’s Dance with me. Sorry, babe.

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Caroline Forbes: You should totally come to the Founder’s Dance with me!

Tens of Men Around the Nation: That would make dating so much easier.

Damon Salvatore: So what’s so special about this Bella girl, anyway?

Thomas: OMG HE’S READING TWILIGHT OMG </thirteen-year-old-girl>

Caroline Forbes: Are you going to kill me?

Damon Salvatore: Yep! But not just yet.

Thomas: Holy crap, he just out-creepered Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen: Damn.

Thomas: OMG EDWARD CULLEN IS TALKING ABOUT THE VAMPIRE DIARIES OMG </thirteen-year-old-girl>

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: has an anti-vampire pot farm in his cellar. This will be an important plot point later.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon, want some bourbon?

Thomas: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Sure!

Thomas: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, you tried the old “give the vampire a glass of bourbon spiked with anti-vampire pot” trick! But I’m not some dumb college girl you can roofie, oh no!

Thomas: Wait, what?

Elena Gilbert: So you’re the mysterious loner and I think that’s hot, but I also think that since we’ve been dating like three whole days it’s time for us to move on the the next level, and no I’m not asking you to sleep with me because I know you’re gay (probably for your brother, which, ew), but I just want you to open up and tell me something about yourself! pout

Stefan Salvatore: Can’t you see? Damon is trying to drive us apart!

Elena Gilbert: Well it’s working! pout, dramatic exit

Thomas: Dude, you should totally do that “look into my eyes” thing. It would be so much easier.

Aunt Jenna: put some wave into her hair and actually looks like an adult.

Guy Who Dated Aunt Jenna But Cheated On Her So She Left Town: So, we cool?

Aunt Jenna: How are you going to make up for cheating on me?

Guy Who Dated Aunt Jenna But Cheated On Her So She Left Town: Want to go get some cheese fries?

Thomas: Dead God, have any of the writers for this show actually been in a relationship? “Sorry I banged the secretary, here’s some snack food.” WTF?

Elena Gilbert: So, are all these bruises and bite marks from your creepy stalker boyfriend?

Caroline Forbes: What no he doesn’t beat me he only does it because he loves me I just make him really mad sometimes and well he says I taste really good and he looks at me with those sad eyes and then I’m just like “oh okay one more time but try not to nick an artery that took forever to clean up” and it hurts but in a good way you know (and I think he sparkles but he’s just too shy to show me).

Elena Gilbert: Okay, as long as you’re cool.

Vicki Donovan: So, Thomas didn’t bother telling anyone about this because he thinks this plot line is really boring, but I went to the Founder’s Dance with Tyler Lockwood, and he was, once again, an enormous jerk, and I realized that even though he’s rich and handsome, and even though you’re poor and a stoner, you really love me!

Jeremy Gilbert: Wow you’re hot.

Vicki Donovan: drops her dress.

Thomas: Aw, awkward stoner sex. I bet they have little stoner babies.

Caroline Forbes: I didn’t mean to tell her that you eat me, it just sort of slipped out.

Damon Salvatore: It’s okay, I forgive you. Except… fangs!

Damon Salvatore: gag, puke

Stefan Salvatore: Ah ha! I knew I couldn’t spike your drink, so I spiked your girlfriend instead! Man I’m awesome! self high five

The Sheriff, The Mayor, The Mayor’s Wife, and The Guy Who Dated Aunt Jenna But Cheated On Her So She Left Town: blah blah blah, we’re vampire hunters, which makes us, ironically, the good guys and the bad guys for this season. Dun Dun Dun!

Producer: Okay, Elena…

Nina Dobrev: Um, my real name’s Nina…

Producer: That’s great, sweetheart. So, Elena, why don’t you just kind of lay back, and try to look sexy, and… um, slightly stoned. That’s great, that’s great. Okay, Boring Vampire…

Paul Wesley: Paul…

Producer: Whatever, why don’t you kind of hover over her, like you’re going to kiss her, but don’t actually kiss her, we want to leave them wanting more. Perfect. All right, Evil Vampire…

Ian Somerhalder: …

Producer: Wow, that one’s smart enough not to talk back, cool. So, Evil Vampire, why don’t you kind of press your lips against her throat, yeah, like you’re going to bite her, except… why don’t you… um, why don’t you lick her throat, instead.

Ian Somerhalder: Wait, what?

Nina Dobrev: Wait, what?

Producer: Yeah, go ahead, just run your tongue over her adam’s apple. No, it isn’t creepy. All the kids are doing it. Trust me. There you go. Perfect. Man this job rocks.

Cute Young Couple: takes a break from being murdered this week. Instead, we open on:

Caroline Truitt: laying in a pool of her own blood, with two fang marks on her neck.

Damon Salvatore: Morning, babe.

Caroline Truitt: oh God vampire help sweet mother of mercy lamp smash

Damon Salvatore: Well okay then. Hey, did you change your clothes last night?

Caroline Truitt: Yes…

Damon Salvatore: So you put on a comfortable nightie, but you didn’t bother washing the blood off yourself, or, you know, going to the hospital?

Caroline Truitt: Being dead is one thing, Damon. Being unfashionable is something else entirely.

Damon Salvatore: Why do I always bite the dumb ones?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m not saying “don’t date the guy,” I’m just saying… well, okay, I’m saying “don’t date the guy.”

Elena Gilbert: But you were just telling me to jump his bones! Why the sudden change of heart?

Bonnie Bennet: Because I had a psychic vision that he was a mass murdering monster come to sow death and pain in our idyllic little town.

Elena Gilbert: Oooookay then…

Tyler Lockwood: Hey, watch me embarrass New Boy by throwing this football at him!

Stefan Salvatore: Vampire football catching powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, I’ve never seen someone catch a football before! Will you sire my offspring?

Stefan Salvatore: Erm…

Elena Gilbert: Okay, no siring just yet. How about dinner? I can cook you some totally bloodless human food!

Stefan Salvatore: Erm…

Elena Gilbert: And you can hang out with my best friend who thinks your a demon!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Elena Gilbert: Great! See you at nine!

Annoying History Teacher: Gah, you are all so stupid! How can you not even know the date on which the Civil Rights Act freed the Madagascar Slaves from their Moorish Oppressors? Why am I cursed to suffer your unfailing ignorance?

Stefan Salvatore: It was in 1873. And you’re a douche.

Annoying History Teacher and Stefan Salvatore: engage in a stirring battle of wits, where Annoying History Teacher names a random historical event, and Stefan Salvatore recites the year in which it occurred. The history class is applauding at the end of this. Because if High School taught me anything, it’s that teenagers love it when a brainy kid shows off in class.

Thomas: is not bitter.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, why are you staring longingly at the football team?

Stefan Salvatore: I’m not gay!

Elena Gilbert: I… just thought you missed playing. You know, football.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, right. Yes. Totally that. Totally want to play. Football. With the men. The young… rugged…

Elena Gilbert: Erm…

Damon Salvatore: Blah blah blah, I’m so evil.

Stefan Salvatore: Blah blah blah, I’m so emo.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: You guy should totally kiss right now.

Bonnie Bennet: I keep seeing the numbers 8, 14, and 22. This is going to be an important plot point later on, so remember that. Also, I psychically know where you keep the silverware.

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie, you should have seen it! Taylor threw a ball at Stefan today, and Stefan totally caught it!

Bonnie Bennet: That’s… so special. Hey, my grandmother was a witch!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, that’s so cool. The Salem Witches were heroic examples of individualism, and non-conformity.

Thomas: swears that that’s an exact quote. Seriously. And they bought it.

Damon Salvatore and Caroline Truitt: Surprise! We’re crashing!

Stefan Salvatore: Don’t invite him in!

Elena Gilbert: Come on in!

Damon Salvatore: Score!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Caroline Truitt: Hey, let’s talk about Elena’s dead parents, and how she’s such a drag now!

Damon Salvatore: No, let’s talk about Stefan’s dead girlfriend, and how he’s such a drag now!

Stefan Salvatore: face. palm.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Are about to Get It On, when suddenly, Stefan turns into Damon! And Elena wakes up gasping! It was all a dream! A hot, steamy dream! Oh no, is she going to be torn between two loves? (Hint: yes.)

Elena Gilbert: So, I quit cheer-leading. I’m a quitter.

Stefan Salvatore: No, you suffered a great loss. You’re not the same person any more. But you should be looking ahead.

Thomas: That was supposed to cheer her up? God, now I’m depressed.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, would you wear this vampire-blocking magic talisman?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, no one’s ever given me a vampire-blocking magic talisman before! swoon

Tyler Lockwood: I kill you!

Jeremy Gilbert: No, I kill you!

Stefan Salvatore: Heroic vampire fight stopping powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Oh, my druggie brother cut your hand with his broken bottle of booze!

Stefan Salvatore: No he didn’t I’m totally fine no magic vampire healing powers here look right as rain and hey the game’s starting time to go see you after bye bye.

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Elena Gilbert: Slaaaaaaap across your faaaaaaaaaace.</buffy>

Damon Salvatore: Well then.

Stefan Salvatore: There’s good in you, I can sense it!

Damon Salvatore: That’s great, Luke Skywalker. By the way: fang!

Annoying History Teacher: gets eaten

Thomas: …Is he… dead?

Some Kid: Oh God, he’s dead!

Thomas: …God bless America… land that I love… single tear

Bonnie Bennet: Look, those numbers I said I saw! I’m totally psychic!

Thomas: One, shut up, I’m busy celebrating the death of Annoying History Teacher. Two, wouldn’t it have been way more useful if you’d have actually foreseen his death, instead of a licensee plate and a sign on a door?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m totally psychic!

Thomas: Hey, Damon, are you still hungry?

Elena Gilbert: sleeps comfortably in her bed.

Damon Salvatore: keeps creepy watch over her, occasionally stroking her hair.

Edward Cullen: I did that first.

Thomas: Woah, it’ cool, I’ve got this.

Elena Gilbert: Well okay then.

Cute Young Couple: Set up a tent in the Creepy Forrest of Cute Young Death, surrounded by the Menacing Fog of Menace.

Thomas: Do I really have to tell you how this turns out? No. Good.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Write emo in their diaries, with a hint of “my life now has meaning, because an attractive member of the opposite sex has acknowledged my existance.”

Aunt Jenna: Do I look adult? And suitably parental?

Thomas: No, you still look twelve.

Aunt Jenna: sadface

Tyler Lockwood: Macks on some random hotties, despite the fact that his girlfriend was eaten by a vampire less then twenty-four hours ago.

Jeremy Gilbert: Chivalrous rage!

Annoying History Teacher: Hey there, thanks for coming in. Just wanted to let you know that you’re totally unqualified to be raising a couple of kids.

Aunt Jenna: sadface

Annoying History Teacher: You know, because you’re twelve.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty! And I did the sexy librarian thing with my hair!

Thomas: If this guy doesn’t get eaten, I will walk to Hollywood and kill him myself.

Vicki Donovan: I was attacked by a vampire!

Stefan Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Vicki Donovan: I mean, a puppy!

Stefan Salvatore: Close enough.

Caroline Truitt: So, have you sexed him yet?

Elena Gilbert: Caroline Truitt, shame on yourself! We are totally going to drag that plot line out for the rest of the season!

Aunt Jenna: Drugs are bad, m’kay? ‘Cause they make you fat.

Damon Salvatore: So, has Stefan told you about the girl he’s been pining over for the last hundred years, who happens to look exactly like you?

Elena Gilbert: Not so much, no.

Damon Salvatore: Oh. Oops.

Stefan Salvatore: broods

Damon Salvatore: flirts

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: swoon

Vicki Donovan: Do I know you?

Damon Salvatore: Surprise, still a vampire!

Damon Salvatore: What attacked you?

Vicki Donovan: A puppy!

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Damon Salvatore: What attacked you?

Vicki Donovan: A vampire!

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Vicki Donovan: A puppy!

Stefan Salvatore: Are we going to do this all night?

Aunt Jenna: I suck as a parent!

Thomas: Well, yeah, you’re twelve.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty!

Elena Gilbert: Talks emo to Stefan.

Stefan Salvatore: Talks emo to Elena.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Share their first emo kiss.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: swoon

Damon Salvatore: So, you know that whole sex-is-a-metaphor-for-death thing we vampires have going on?

Caroline Truitt: Yeah?

Damon Salvatore: fang!

Furthering fears that I one: have no taste and two: am going to hell, I’ve decided to do a recap of The Vampire Diaries, the latest utterly trashy cash-in on the emo teen vampire phenomenon. I’ll probably do a recap for each episode, unless I decide that the show’s too boring to bother. And so, without further ado, and less than a week late:

G.I. Joe: is a real American Hero… er, make that, a real multi-national task force, duly chartered by NATO, and comprised of volunteer representatives from twenty member nations, which would never dream of acting unilaterally or preemptively, and is careful to respect the sovereignty of all nations, states, and kingdoms. Also, they’re headquartered in Egypt, which means they’re probably secret Muslims.

That: really doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Duke: used to have a thing with the Baroness.

The Baroness: is now an international terrorist.

That: is awkward.

Snake Eyes: brought a sword to a gun fight. And he will kill you dead with it.

Scarlet: it a two-timing strumpet.

Snake Eyes: is gonna have to cap a Wayans brother.

Storm Shadow: will be releasing a line of Casual Ninja Wear. Look for it this fall, at Abercrombie and Fitch!

Snake Eyes: is wearing plastic muscles, and has a mouth carved into his mask. Why the hell does Snake Eyes have a mouth on his mask?

France: apparently did not join G.I. Joe.

The Eiffel Tower: falls down and goes boom.

General Hawk: wonders if France has learned its lesson.

The Plot: is convoluted, but also just a way to string together the action scenes.

The Action Scenes: are actually fairly decent.

Snake Eyes v. Storm Shadow: was better the first time, when it was called Darth Maul v. Qui-Gon Jinn.

Destro: finally gets his metal face.

Cobra Commander: was actually in the movie the whole time?

Various and Sundry Things: blow up.

The Day: is saved.

Knowing: is half the battle.

Cybernetic suits, ninja skills, force guns, nanobots, high-tech vehicles, and 3D Holographic Telepresence systems: are the other half.

Since my sense of humor can be a little hard to understand, I want to make one thing absolutely clear: Rob Zombie’s Halloween II is terrible. It is seriously the worst movie that I have seen this year. It isn’t even enjoyable in a “so bad it’s good” way; it just sucks. Do not go to see this movie. Do not let your friends see this movie. Frankly, I’m thinking about picketing outside the theater, hoping to save one or two souls the torment of sitting through this thing. I might buy tickets to other movies and pass them out, just to keep this waste of celluloid from being seen.

I want to punch Rob Zombie in the face with a meat cleaver, and then share similar feelings with all of the people who helped him unleash this disaster on the unsuspecting public. Fortunately, according to the logic of this movie, the only thing I have to do is start wandering aimlessly through a field somewhere, and my rage will draw me inexorably toward my victim. Or some crap. I don’t know.

Anyway, here’s a recap of the stuff that I managed to stay awake for:

Rob Zombie: Let’s see… I need a symbol to represent the raw, animalistic power of Michael Myers’ rage. Something powerful, primal, and frightening. Something that will resonate with the audience, something that will compliment the character’s iconic status. I know! A white horse! OoooOoooOoooOooo!

Thomas: Wait, what? The symbol of Michael Myers’ demonic bloodlust, the visual representation of his furious, uncontrollable rage, is a freaking pony? And did you just make a ghost sound?

Rob Zombie: Yes, and yes. But wait! Look, the horse is totally legit! It says so right here, in this book I found in the “Piss off your parents by pretending your a pagan” section of the bookstore! Heck, I’ll even insert a screen full of text, so people know that a prancing white pony is scary!

Screen Full Of Text: The prancing white pony is scary and meaningful and totally not ridiculous. -Some Book Rob Zombie May Have Made Up

I know that this is… thirty-three years late, but they’re talking about making another Vampire Chronicles movie, and there are rumors that Robert Downey, Jr. is being tapped to play the twenty-something, blond, bisexual vampire known as Lestat de Lioncourt. A brief discussion this afternoon lead me to summarize Interview with the Vampire thusly:

Woe is me! I am a monster! And wearied by the endless passing of the years! Emo, emo, emo! (repeat for three hundred and forty pages)

District 9: 30 Second Review

Here there be spoilers, tread ye carefully.

D9: is shot in a pseudo-documentary style.

The Blaire Witch Project: We did that first.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Cleans up real nice.

Batman: Is kind of annoying in this one. And named “Melvin.”

Three Piece Suits, Fedoras, and Tommy Guns: Are awesome.

A Bank Gets robbed.

A Dame: Gets picked up.

This Movie: Goes on and on and on and on and oh sweet God please just make it stop.

God: Ignores my pleas.

This Movie: Is like fourteen hours long, and nothing happens.

The Credits: Roll.

Thomas: Thanks God that it’s finally over.