Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Nice backpack … did you join the boy scouts again?

Stefan Salvatore: I tried to, but they wouldn’t let me be a scout master anymore! The said something about my relationship with Klaus setting an ungodly example for impressionable young youths! They must have been talking about all the killing we did.

Damon Salvatore: …Yes, clearly, that is what they were talking about. Speaking of “poor examples” and “impressionable young youth,” are you still planning to teach Elena how to subsist on bunnies and kittens?

Stefan Salvatore: I sure am! If there’s anything my frequent episodes of homicidal mania have taught me, it’s that moderation if for people who don’t like going on murderous rampages every couple of decades!

Damon Salvatore: …

Stefan Salvatore: See you Monday!

Let’s see … where were we? Stefan, a hundred and sixty year old vampire, moved back to Mystic Falls in order to hit on and/or murder teenage girl Elena Gilbert. Elena was a doppelganger of Katherine Pierce, a Bulgarian girl who turned herself into a vampire in order to cheat a witch’s curse that made her blood the key to an Original vampire becoming a werewolf.

Stefan’s brother Damon also moved back to town, partially to torment Stefan but also because he TOTALLY SAW ELENA FIRST AND YOU CAN’T DENY IT SO THERE, because apparently relationships are solved by dibs, I called shotgun, and no do-overs. Damon was an asshole (and it was glorious), and then, in an ironic twist, he lost his balls in a futile attempt to claim Elena’s vagina. Team Damon was sad that their favorite character had lost some of his pizzaz, but were excited that Damon might finally get see first-hand whether or not Elena and Katherine are identical twins. But the joke was on them, because TVD’s mission statement is “cock tease Damon.”

Speaking of cock teases, Stefan and Klaus totally toured the South East, leaving a trail of bodies so wide and so long that you just know a team of FBI profilers is trailing them off-screen. Evil!Stefan was the best thing to ever happen to that character, but all of that development was undone by Elena’s enchanted hoo-ha.

Caroline Forbes is Elena’s best frenemy, who got turned into a vampire and instantly became a bajillion times more awesomer. She’s dating Tyler, a werewolf who got turned into a vampire hybrid by Klaus, the most charming creeper on television. Klaus has more daddy issues than a room full of strippers and a penchant for showing his disapproval through random acts of wanton violence, like ripping your heart out through your spleen or kicking a soccer ball literally through your front door. Klaus had a pretty big family, but they killed off all the boring ones. Now it’s just Klaus, Rebekah, and Elijah, who …

Sorry, I hate to wait for the screams to die down. People freak the fuck out when they hear Elijah’s name.

Klaus’ witch mother turned the local history teacher into a self-loathing, homicidal vampire who rammed a piece of magic wood through Klaus’ heart, so Klaus jumped into Tyler’s body. The fact that he has a thing for Tyler’s girlfriend had nothing to do with that choice, no sir.

The person who facilitated that body snatching was Bonnie, a witch so powerful that she”d be in over her head in an empty kiddie pool. But Bonnie is apparently sick of being everybody’s butt monkey, because she’s started mumbling in grim-sounding Latin and getting weird black veins all over her face and hands. This excites me to no end, because I loved Dark Willow.

In the last episode of Season Three, Rebekah threw Elena off a bridge because of reasons. Fortunately Stefan was there, but unfortunately he forgot that he has super speed and super strength, and Elena died. But that’s okay, because she had Damon’s blood in her system, because it turns out head trauma plus bleeding ears equals why is the room spinning also I’m going to die tee hee.

So now Elena’s turning into a vampire, which is apparently terrible because being young and pretty and rich forever is a horrible curse or something. And if any of that made sense to you, well, welcome home. Now, on with the show …

So excited for Season Four. And for good television in general.

First, I’d like to ask you guys a favor. If you’ve read my debut novel, Sire, I’d really appreciate it if you went over to Amazon and gave it a rating. Ratings are one of the things that really help a book sell, and I’d love to know what you all think of it. Thank you.

And if you haven’t read it? It costs less than one of those fancy-dancy farapalates you kids drink these days, and there’s way less nudity in Starbucks. Unless I’m just going to the wrong starbucks.

And with that little bit of self-whoring out of the way:

Aunt Jenna: Hi Elena! Have you ever heard the theory that Near Death Experiences are the brain’s way of coping with the terrible realization of our own mortality?

Mama Gilbert: Hi Elena! It’s your birthday!

Pama Gilbert: And Christmas!

Elena Gilbert: Wow! Getting murdered is way better than getting kidnapped! Tee hee!

Vampilaric Stabman’s ToDo List:

• Grade papers
• Smash students’ civil war dioramas
• Torture Caroline
• Fail Elena Gilbert
• Vampire genocide

The Lady of the Manor: I think I prefer Dr. Jones to Evilaric as a history teacher.

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Tyler! We should have all of the hot sweaty sex!

Tyler Lockwood (on the phone): Love to babe, but I have to pretend to be Klaus’ bitch for a while longer! Today I’m giving him a mani-pedi!

Rebekah: Hi Caroline! In order not to totally ruin this plot, I’m going to pretend my ears aren’t sensitive enough to hear a mosquito fart in a hurricane!

Caroline Forbes: That’s really nice of you! Almost as nice as coming over to clean up after yet another dance that you didn’t get to attend! Sorry your mother hijacked your body, wore you around like a meat suit, used you to steal the Ultimate Weapon of Vampire Vanquishment, then had Evilaric stab you in the heart with a Magic Dagger of Kinda Dying for a Little While!

Rebekah: Aw, thanks! And I’m sorry my mother turned your history teacher / vampire hunter / contributor to the delinquency of minors into a rage-driven, unkillable stab machine! He seemed really nice!

Caroline Forbes: He was! Totally not the kind of guy who would kidnap you, tie you to a chair, ram pencils through your hands, then gag you with a vervain-soaked rag!

Rebekah: That’s … oddly specific.

Caroline Forbes: You’re right! I sure hope that doesn’t come back to haunt me later!

Vampilaric Stabman: Funny you should say that … necksnap! Carolinedrag! Sunburn!

The Lady of the Manor: YOU KEEP YOUR WHORE HANDS OFF OF CAROLINE!

Rebekah: I’ll just be … over here, then …

Klaus: Hi Rebekah! What took you so long?

Rebekster: Oh you know, just had to consort with the enemy and whittle a fake Original Oak of Slaughter Stake real quick!

Klaus: Sounds like fun! Speaking of fun, I’m going to throw Elena in my trunk and drive her across state lines! So let’s abandon this mansion I spent millions of dollars on and hit the road!

Rebekster: But I wanna go to the daaaaaaaaaaaaaaance!

Klaus: Seriously? You’re a thousand years old, unkillable, wealthy beyond the wildest imagination of the commoners in Mystic Falls, and you can literally have any man in the world by batting your eyelashes (and dilating your pupils), and you’re still hung up on whether or not you can make the quarterback fall in love with you? Jesus.

Rebekster: Well actually I want to get you in a confined location so I can murder you, but you’re right, Matt is yummy!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Alaric! I brought you some necessities! Like bourbon! And whiskey! And gin!

Alaric Saltzman: Thanks Elena! You’re the best!

Elena Gilbert: So are they really going to keep you in here until your evil alter ego, Evilaric Stabman, tells us where the Original Oak Slaughter Stake is?

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, I’m not in here because of all the murders. Damon and I are playing a … game.

Elena Gilbert: ?

Alaric Saltzman: The safe word is “banana”.

Elena Gilbert: !

EW has the latest Vampire Diaries poster, provocatively titled “does the bloodline end here?

I know it’s not technically possible to have sex with a poster, but damn. I talk a lot about how much I admire the writers and cast on this show, but the marketing team does a fantastic job, too.

(via Vampire-Diaries.net)

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I brought muffins! And my sneaking shoes! So where’s Alaric?

Damon Salvatore: Laying on the floor, naked and sweating. Guy stuff. So long now bye bye!

Alaric Saltzman: Is she gone? Because I have a powerful need for some nice, thick wood! Powersaw!

The Lady of the Manor: You don’t just HACK Garamond in HALF like that, RICK. UGH.

Stefan Salvatore: Guy guy guys! Length isn’t everything! Don’t forget the girth!

Alaric Saltzman: Well, that was invigorating, but I think I’m going to go turn myself in for murdering all those people.

Damon Salvatore: Do what because you something huh?

Stefan Salvatore: Please. I murdered more people than you when I got coffee this morning. If their name isn’t in the opening credits it doesn’t count.

Meredith Fell: Hi Elena! Thanks for dropping by for Alaric’s MRI! This test will tell us if Alaric’s blackouts and murder sprees were caused by a tumor, or a brain lesion, or acid reflux, or-

Elena Gilbert: The Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying that also drove Samantha Gilbert nuts, as evidenced by this creepy-ass Diary of Death?

Meredith Fell: I was gonna get to that.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey guys? I’m feeling a little claustrophobic in here!

Alaric Saltzman’s Evil Twin: Weeee I’m gonna murder you all woooooo!

Meredith Fell: What was that?

Alaric Saltzman: I said … we … ‘re gonna laugh about this … soon.

Meredith Fell: Oh good, I was worried you were going crazy again!

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, on a totally unrelated note, why don’t you guys hold onto this ring for a while?

Elena Gilbert: Don’t worry Alaric! I’m gonna call Bonnie! She’s a witch! She can fix Magic Rings of Sometimes Not Dying with her brain!

Alaric Saltzman: …I’m screwed, aren’t I?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Alaric! I’m here for our date to take you home!

The Lady of the Manor: Matt David hasn’t been this creepy since Legally Blonde.