The Lady: According to an Australian study, eating eight servings of fruit and vegetables a day can increase happiness just as much as going from unemployment to employment.

Thomas: But I’m not unemployed.

The Lady: That’s not the point.

Thomas: And I’m not Australian.

The Lady: Super not the point.

Thomas: And the point is …

The Lady: …You should eat a vegetable?

Thomas: … Cheese is a vegetable.

The Lady: How are you even still alive?

Thomas: I think having a bat emblem on Batman’s chest is a bit over the top. He’s got the costume, the batmobile, the bataragns … it’s like ok, we get it dude. You’re really into bats.

AJ: Well, Superman has an ‘S’ on his chest.

Thomas: No, Superman has the Kryptonian symbol for “hope” on his chest. It just happens to look like an ‘S’. That’s why Lois Lane named him Superman.

AJ: … you are a goddamned nerd.

The Lady of the Manor: So … my family does this thing where we fill each other’s stockings. And I already called little bottles of booze.

Thomas: God damn it, that’s what I was going to say! Especially for the kids!

The Lady of the Manor: Yeah, there won’t be any kids there.

Thomas: God damn it, how am I supposed to corrupt youth if there aren’t any youth around! Although no youth is a plus …

The Lady of the Manor: You could get everybody candy …

Thomas: Great idea! Hey, do you happen to know everyone’s favorite candy?

The Lady of the Manor: Of course I do. They’re my family, so-

Thomas: Because I want to make sure I get something else, and hopefully derail this little traffic accident in the future.

The Lady of the Manor: …

Thomas: :-D

Thomas: Hola! Un vino blanco y un majestic, por favor!

El Camarero: Si! <Machinegun spanish>

Thomas: …Fuck it. A white wine and an orange fruity thing, please.

El Camarero: …Yes sir.

The Lady: Why do you keep trying to speak Spanish? You don’t know Spanish.

Thomas: Hola! Quiermos internet en la habitacion vente dos cincuentra tres, por vavor!

El Conserje: Si! <Machinegun spanish>

Thomas: …

El Conserje: You don’t really speak Spanish, do you sir?

Thomas: …No.

The Lady: Honey? You don’t speak Spanish.

The Lady of the Manor: We sold another one of your old Jesus-ey books.

Thomas: Which one?

The Lady of the Manor: Matthew Henry’s Commentary.

Thomas: Oh yeah. How much did we get for it?

The Lady of the Manor: Like two bucks.

Thomas: Seriously? That think cost me like forty dollars. Of course, there probably aren’t a whole lot of people clamoring for Matthew Henry’s Complete Commentary on the Whole Fucking Bible. Of couse, if it actually was called Matthew Henry’s Complete Commentary on the Whole Fucking Bible, more people might pick it up…

The Lady of the Manor: So, about dinner …?

The Lady of the Manor: If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

Thomas: Well… genies are notoriously tricksies mother fuckers, so my wishes would be several hundred pages of dense legalese.

The Lady of the Manor: You’re the most cynical person in the world. I’d wish for a magic tissue box of money, and every time you pulled money out of it, there would be more money. And eternal, effortless beauty.

Thomas: See, here’s how he’d fuck you. Creating more money every time you pulled some out of the magic box would cause inflation to go sky high, and eventually money itself would be useless. And eternal, effortless beauty? He’s turn you into a statue or something.

The Lady of the Manor: …

Thomas: Tricksies mother fuckers.

The Lady of the Manor: You think about things too much.

The Lady of the Manor: I just watched an episode of Buffy where they went ice skating, and then she killed someone with her ice skate.

Thomas: Oh yeah, and then she kissed Angel, and he was all like “no, I’m in my vamp face,” and she’s all “I didn’t even notice.”

The Lady of the Manor: …You’ve watched that show too much.

The Lady of the Manor: Hey babe? Do you wear gloves?

Thomas: …when it’s cold out, sure.

The Lady of the Manor: And do you need a pair of gloves?

Thomas: No, I bought a new pair last month.

The Lady of the Manor: Why did you buy yourself something so close to Christmas?

Thomas: …Because it was cold? And I have to shovel snow?

The Lady of the Manor: But now I don’t know what to tell my mom to get you for Christmas!

Thomas: Yeah, but even if I hadn’t bought gloves, she couldn’t get me a pair for Christmas. You know, because I wouldn’t have hands anymore. You know, because of the frostbite.

The Lady of the Manor: …Okay, that’s fair.

The Lady of the Manor (reading my manuscript): You have a dangling preposition there.

Thomas: … I don’t think the vampire sexpot cares about her dangling preposition.

The Lady of the Manor: And that’s why I’m not a vampire sexpot.