First, I’d like to ask you guys a favor. If you’ve read my debut novel, Sire, I’d really appreciate it if you went over to Amazon and gave it a rating. Ratings are one of the things that really help a book sell, and I’d love to know what you all think of it. Thank you.

And if you haven’t read it? It costs less than one of those fancy-dancy farapalates you kids drink these days, and there’s way less nudity in Starbucks. Unless I’m just going to the wrong starbucks.

And with that little bit of self-whoring out of the way:

Aunt Jenna: Hi Elena! Have you ever heard the theory that Near Death Experiences are the brain’s way of coping with the terrible realization of our own mortality?

Mama Gilbert: Hi Elena! It’s your birthday!

Pama Gilbert: And Christmas!

Elena Gilbert: Wow! Getting murdered is way better than getting kidnapped! Tee hee!

Vampilaric Stabman’s ToDo List:

• Grade papers
• Smash students’ civil war dioramas
• Torture Caroline
• Fail Elena Gilbert
• Vampire genocide

The Lady of the Manor: I think I prefer Dr. Jones to Evilaric as a history teacher.

Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Tyler! We should have all of the hot sweaty sex!

Tyler Lockwood (on the phone): Love to babe, but I have to pretend to be Klaus’ bitch for a while longer! Today I’m giving him a mani-pedi!

Rebekah: Hi Caroline! In order not to totally ruin this plot, I’m going to pretend my ears aren’t sensitive enough to hear a mosquito fart in a hurricane!

Caroline Forbes: That’s really nice of you! Almost as nice as coming over to clean up after yet another dance that you didn’t get to attend! Sorry your mother hijacked your body, wore you around like a meat suit, used you to steal the Ultimate Weapon of Vampire Vanquishment, then had Evilaric stab you in the heart with a Magic Dagger of Kinda Dying for a Little While!

Rebekah: Aw, thanks! And I’m sorry my mother turned your history teacher / vampire hunter / contributor to the delinquency of minors into a rage-driven, unkillable stab machine! He seemed really nice!

Caroline Forbes: He was! Totally not the kind of guy who would kidnap you, tie you to a chair, ram pencils through your hands, then gag you with a vervain-soaked rag!

Rebekah: That’s … oddly specific.

Caroline Forbes: You’re right! I sure hope that doesn’t come back to haunt me later!

Vampilaric Stabman: Funny you should say that … necksnap! Carolinedrag! Sunburn!

The Lady of the Manor: YOU KEEP YOUR WHORE HANDS OFF OF CAROLINE!

Rebekah: I’ll just be … over here, then …

Klaus: Hi Rebekah! What took you so long?

Rebekster: Oh you know, just had to consort with the enemy and whittle a fake Original Oak of Slaughter Stake real quick!

Klaus: Sounds like fun! Speaking of fun, I’m going to throw Elena in my trunk and drive her across state lines! So let’s abandon this mansion I spent millions of dollars on and hit the road!

Rebekster: But I wanna go to the daaaaaaaaaaaaaaance!

Klaus: Seriously? You’re a thousand years old, unkillable, wealthy beyond the wildest imagination of the commoners in Mystic Falls, and you can literally have any man in the world by batting your eyelashes (and dilating your pupils), and you’re still hung up on whether or not you can make the quarterback fall in love with you? Jesus.

Rebekster: Well actually I want to get you in a confined location so I can murder you, but you’re right, Matt is yummy!

Elena Gilbert: Hi Alaric! I brought you some necessities! Like bourbon! And whiskey! And gin!

Alaric Saltzman: Thanks Elena! You’re the best!

Elena Gilbert: So are they really going to keep you in here until your evil alter ego, Evilaric Stabman, tells us where the Original Oak Slaughter Stake is?

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, I’m not in here because of all the murders. Damon and I are playing a … game.

Elena Gilbert: ?

Alaric Saltzman: The safe word is “banana”.

Elena Gilbert: !

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I brought muffins! And my sneaking shoes! So where’s Alaric?

Damon Salvatore: Laying on the floor, naked and sweating. Guy stuff. So long now bye bye!

Alaric Saltzman: Is she gone? Because I have a powerful need for some nice, thick wood! Powersaw!

The Lady of the Manor: You don’t just HACK Garamond in HALF like that, RICK. UGH.

Stefan Salvatore: Guy guy guys! Length isn’t everything! Don’t forget the girth!

Alaric Saltzman: Well, that was invigorating, but I think I’m going to go turn myself in for murdering all those people.

Damon Salvatore: Do what because you something huh?

Stefan Salvatore: Please. I murdered more people than you when I got coffee this morning. If their name isn’t in the opening credits it doesn’t count.

Meredith Fell: Hi Elena! Thanks for dropping by for Alaric’s MRI! This test will tell us if Alaric’s blackouts and murder sprees were caused by a tumor, or a brain lesion, or acid reflux, or-

Elena Gilbert: The Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying that also drove Samantha Gilbert nuts, as evidenced by this creepy-ass Diary of Death?

Meredith Fell: I was gonna get to that.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey guys? I’m feeling a little claustrophobic in here!

Alaric Saltzman’s Evil Twin: Weeee I’m gonna murder you all woooooo!

Meredith Fell: What was that?

Alaric Saltzman: I said … we … ‘re gonna laugh about this … soon.

Meredith Fell: Oh good, I was worried you were going crazy again!

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, on a totally unrelated note, why don’t you guys hold onto this ring for a while?

Elena Gilbert: Don’t worry Alaric! I’m gonna call Bonnie! She’s a witch! She can fix Magic Rings of Sometimes Not Dying with her brain!

Alaric Saltzman: …I’m screwed, aren’t I?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Alaric! I’m here for our date to take you home!

The Lady of the Manor: Matt David hasn’t been this creepy since Legally Blonde.

Sheriff Forbes: Goodnight, Mr. Salvatore. Do be careful this chill evening, for a vile murderer doth be afoot, and stalking the noble Founder of this, our fair city!

Mr. Salvatore: Pish tosh! Verily I say that the victim’s association with the Founders is but chance and folly! Forsooth, to prove my theory I shall walk home unescorted, whistling a jaunty tune!

Sheriff Forbes: Indeed sir, but thou art a brave fellow! Truly I do hope thou shalt arrive at thy domicile unmolested!

The Lurking Shadow of Slaughter: I stabeth thee!

Mr. Salvatore: Egads! For I am dead!

Thomas: Neville! Outside time!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: I love outside time!

Thomas: Neville! Let’s go for a car ride!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: Car rides are awesome!

Thomas: Neville! Time to see the vet!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: The vet’s a very nice lady!

Dr. Ballcrusher: Hi Neville! So you’re here to get your shots, get microchipped, and get neutered!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: Wait, what’s that last word mean!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: Son of a bitch!

Dr. Ballcrusher: Okay boy! Hop up on the table!

Neville the Devilcorgipire: Loook into my eeeyes</dracula>

Dr. Ballcrusher: …?

Neville the Devilcorgipire: She must be on vervain!

The Producers: Hi, Caroline? Yeah, come on in. We need to have a talk. So you know the whole overarching plot thing we have going on for this season?

Caroline Dries: You mean the whole Delena cock-tease?

The Producers: Yep!

Caroline Dries: And the idea that Elijah might be around for more than an episode or two?

The Producers: Yeah, exactly. And you know we never planned to give the fans what they want, right?

Caroline Dries: Haha, of course not! I mean, I don’t know about you, but I started writing television scripts because my deep-seated hatred for humanity demanded an outlet, and it was either this or join Blackwater International and kill civilians in small island nations!

The Producers: Right? I mean, we’ve all had the killing innocents fantasy, right? Anyway, speaking of our complete and total hatred for all things good and pure, it’s time to rob our fans of their hope, joy, and reason to live.

Caroline Dries: Awesome! WHo gets to do the honors?

The Producers: Well, Julie and Kevin already hit their death threat quota for the month, so we were figuring you might want to take this one?

Caroline Dries: Oh God, really? And I thought Smallville was the biggest “eff-you” I was ever going to be able to give fans! This is the happiest day of my life! I bet Twitter is going to be one big suicide party!

Elijah: Hi Klaus! I can see from the look on your face that you’re not the one who set me free, so I’m going to assume it was Damon, since he’s the only one that ever gets off his ass and does anything in this town. And speaking of Damon … do you remember all those scenes where the Salvatore brothers got angry at each other and smashed up their library? How much do you think the fans would love to see us do that?

Klaus: But I just finished redecorating!

Elijah: Supermanvamp punch! Doorsmash!

Klaus: Chokeslam! Tablecrush! Daggeryonk!

Elijah: Really? You’re going to pull the dagger out of him and use it on me? You would really rather deal with someone who … well, let’s not give the fans too much info at once.

Klaus: Right you are! Oh by the way, I murdered Dad with his Enchanted Slaughter Stick and the Salvatores have our mother. That last bit’s supposed to be a secret, but it’s all over Twitter.

Elijah: Wow, some people are real dicks.

Klaus: Right? I mean sure I’ll have a hybrid bite barbiepire on her birthday and then storm in like a boss and give her a wrist job and a thousand-caret bracelet, but eve I wouldn’t spoil the biggest TVD mystery of the season!

Elijah: You have truly grown noble in the years months days I have slumbered, brother.

Klaus: You know it! Hey, speaking of noble, remember how you made a promise to stand by my side forever and always? Well Taylor Swift totally stole your catch phrase. Also, remember how you forgot to add an “unless you turn out to be an utter bastard who murdered our mother and then our father and then leaves our entire family to rot for decades at a time” claus? Well I’d like to capitalize on that oversight!

Elijah: Okay!