Bonnie Bennet: Wow, this is wacky! Two shows in a row opening with a weird witchy dream! I really need to lay off the tacos!

Klaus: I think you need to lay off the living! Fangs!

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Damon Salvatore: Grin! Shower! Giggle!

Stefan Salvatore: So Damon, and you ready to enact our devious plan to use Klaus’ family as bait and the contents of the Magic Coffin of Not Opening to destroy him?

Damon Salvatore: :-)=

Stefan Salvatore: Why are you so chipper?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, no reason, and certainly not because I got it on with your currently-available ex-girlfriend, who just happens to be an exact duplicate of the woman I spent a hundred and fifty years obsessed with!

Stefan Salvatore: …You’re weird. And can you put some pants on? Pants would be great right now.

Summer had come and gone. Winter was setting in, and a graveyard chill hung in the air. We retreated to the warmth of our living rooms, the comfort of our couches, seeking respite from the cold.

But no comfort was to be had. Team Elena’s last, great plan to defeat their nemesis had failed. Stefan, Elena’s one-time lover, had overcome Klaus’ compulsion … but hadn’t regained his nobility. Elena was inconsolable. Damon took solace in the bottle. Alaric was probably grading history papers in a bar.

And then the unthinkable happened. Our loved ones were snatched from us by the cruel hands of the scheduling gods.

The hellatus had arrived.

We sought shelter in our memories, recounting our favorite moments, and quickly being told exactly why those cherished events were as stupid as we are. We plied our time in other worlds, other mythologies, hoping to ease the pain.

But the pain just wouldn’t go away.

Even the snow refused to fall, as if nature itself was grieving our loss.

And then, on a night that came sooner than any of us had dared hope, we heard these five wonderful words …

Bonnie Bennet: Hi guys! Welcome to the rest of Season Three of The Vampire Diaries! I’ll be your host tonight, and lead you on a grand tour of this burned out old mortuary, complete with a bevy of immortal murder machine bearing coffins! And hey, is Klaus holding on to the Magic Necklace of Certain Doom?

Bonnie Bennet: Okay, that’s the last time I eat pepperoni pizza before bed.

Klaus: Hi Stefan! Did you know Portland is full of werewolves? Seriously, they’re just growing on trees out here. Well, they were, until I gave them my blood and Elena’s blood and turned them into a bunch of unkillable murder machines.

Stefan Salvatore: Neat! Say, your father dropped by and we killed him. You should totally come back to Mystic Falls to check out the body. Like, soon. Maybe by the end of the night.

Klaus: You wouldn’t be lying to me, would you Stefan?

Stefan Salvatore: Nope!

Klaus: Well in that case I’ll be over in ten minutes! That’s how long it takes to travel from Portland to Virginia, right? Want me to pick up a pizza on my way through Chicago?

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Elena! Want to go spelunking with me?

Elena Gilbert: …

Alaric Saltzman: I mean literally go spelunking into the caves that would overturn everything we think we know about pre-Columbus history in America, if I bothered to tell anyone about them.

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! Want to go spelunking with me?

Elena Gilbert: …

Damon Salvatore: I actually mean have sex.

Alaric Saltzman: Anyway, I’ve used the history degree I got at BobsLearningHut.com to translate all of these Viking runes! This one says “Niklaus,” this one says “Elijah,” this one say “Pull the goddamn dagger out of Elijah already,” this one says “Barbiepire,” and this one says “Eric Northman.”

Damon Salvatore: The one for “Eric Northman” is a guy who had his balls removed by a blond chick. Tragic story.

Damon Salvatore: Very funny, Stefan. I spend two hundred and some odd short years trying to make your life a living hell, and then you go all Ripper and chain me to a piece of office furniture. And run me through with hot pokers. And rub wolfsbane on my face…

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, so, no idea what the hell you’re talking about, but this is already boring the crap out of me, so I’m going to go ravage some coeds. TTFN!

Mason Lockwood: Hi Damon! You look wan! You should get some sun!

Matt Donovan: Well here I am, just working out, all alone, in the dark.

A Random Vampire: Whoosh!

Matt Donovan: I sure hope I don’t get eaten! I better wander around the school all alone to make sure!

Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! We’re doing senior pranks on the school!

Elena Gilbert: Pranks are the best!

Klaus: You mean like the prank you pulled when I killed you but you didn’t die?

Elena Gilbert: …Poop.

Rebecca: Hi Stefan! This dress is slutty! What do you think?

Stefan Salvatore: I… like it?

Rebecca: Liar! You hate it and you hate me and you suck! Pout!

Klaus: Nice job, asshat.

Stefan Salvatore: You’re the one that pulled the dagger out.

Rebecca: I heard that!

Katherine Pierce (on the Phone): Hi Damon! What have I missed since last season?

Damon Salvatore: Well, Elena’s not dead, but her Aunt Jenna is, mostly because of Bonnie, so Alaric’s super pissed slash drunk all the time, and he keeps taking his pants off at me, Tyler’s a werewolf and banging Caroline, Elijah’s dead and Klaus is invulnerable, Stefan’s joined his team, and they’ve left a trail of sorority chicks’ body parts and failed werepire zombie corpses stretching from Florida to Tennessee.

Katherine Pierce (on the Phone): Sounds like fun! On a totally unrelated note, you should come visit me in Chicago!

Rachel Reporter: And in a shocking development, a resident of Mystic Falls died in what appears to be a completely non-bobcat related accident…

Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I’m sorry I kinda chewed you out right after your girlfriend died! Why didn’t you tell me?

Damon Salvatore: Because you’re an eighteen year old high school student and the only people allowed to help me through my grief are Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker?

Elena Gilbert: But enough about you! Let’s talk about Stefan, who totally called me last night!

Damon Salvatore: What did he say?

Elena Gilbert: Absolutely nothing!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, that sounds like Stefan. Anyway, do you remember that conversation we had about all of the murders Stefan is doing? Trail of bodies? Pools of blood? Ruined dart boards? Stefan’s a lost cause.

Elena Gilbert: But if he was a lost cause he wouldn’t have called me!

Damon Salvatore: Now? You pick now to start being all logical and insightful? Goddammit.

Elena Gilbert: Anyway, I’m going to go get my thirty year old history teacher out of bed. Tee hee!