TM
Vampire Diaries – S04E12 – A View to a Kill
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Stefan Salvatore: OMG what have I done OMG I hate hatesex with Rebekah OMG my chastity in in tatters OMG how will I ever forgive myself OMG I have to get out of here OMG maybe if I’m careful she won’t wake up OMG she’s snoring that’s a good sign OMG what would Lexi think OMG okay time to activate my super vampire sneaking powers …
Klaus: Hi Stefan! It looks like you’re trying to sneak out of Rebekah’s apartment! Hey Rebekah! Did you hear that! Stefan’s trying to sneak out of your apartment!
Stefan Salvatore: I hate you so much.
Klaus: …Does that mean we’re going to have hatesex too?
Stefan Salvatore: So. Much.
Klaus: Anyway, Kol is running about with my Magic Daggers of Original Inconvenience and the Splintery Shaft of Sudden Slaughter, and since I really enjoy having complete power over you …
Rebekah: Go fuck yourself?
Stefan Salvatore: No, I’m good. Last night wore me out. I –
Rebekah: Not you, Stefan, him.
The Lady of the Manor: This entire show could be Klaus close-arguing and I would watch it every single week.
Vampire Diaries – S04E11 – Catch Me If You Can
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Matt Donovan: Man, and I thought I hated it when coach made me run suicides! Klaus making me run homicides is way worse!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Damon! You said I wouldn’t have to kill any innocent people!
Klaus: In an interesting legal loophole, I killed the innocent people. Now you just have to kill the innocent vampires!
Damon Salvatore: That’s a great plan, Klaus! I sure hope no one uses a carefully worded promise to screw us all over later in the episode!
Vampire Diaries – S04E10 – After School Special
But in one town, a town where time flows faster and slower depending on the season, a town where days stretch into weeks and years collapse into commercial breaks, winter had already come and gone, the Yule marked only with a dance and a spray of blood set to the haunting strains of music that had once symbolized happier things.
In the wake of beautiful slaughter, twelve extras lay dismembered, their character arcs offered up to some dark necromancer, and the mayor lay prone in a fountain, her screen time sacrificed to activate her son’s hybrid rage.
Two vampires still feud over a certain magic lady’s magic lady bits, but the challenger has usurped the champion, leading to much celebration and mourning. Both vampires, for reasons inexplicable, are hell bent on making their magic lady mortal again, and thus to turn her back over the the angelic murderer of Christmas cheer. Plans and machinations swirled around schemes and riddles, loyalties were wrapped in lies and tainted with doubt, and rumors of an upcoming departure stir hope and fear.
And then, in the midst of the turmoil, that dreaded word was uttered again:
“Hiatus.”
And lo the days stretched long and desolate, television screens lit only with reruns, fan wars fueled only with speculation … until now. Until those wonderful words echoed in our ears once more, signaling the end of the cold, dark days …
Vampire Diaries – S04E09 – O Come, All Ye Faithful
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Elena Gilbert: What the hell even is Iquity?
Damon Salvatore: Iquity is the characteristic I exhibit when I do not allow you to remove all of your clothes and ride me like a naughty pony, no matter how much you and or I both want it, because the quote unquote Sire bond between us may make you less than capable of consent.
Elena Gilbert: Oh, so it’s like not being a raging douchebag?
Damon Salvatore: With a side of pent up sexual frustration that will probably lead to the death of a cheerleader and/or epic hatesex with Rebekah next episode, yeah.
Vampire Diaries – S04E08 – We'll Always Have Bourbon Street
Elena Gilbert: Okay, I’m off to school!
Damon Salvatore: …
Elena Gilbert: …
Damon Salvatore: HAHAHA!
Elena Gilbert: Wink wink wink!
Damon Salvatore: Nudge nudge nudge!
Stefan Salvatore and Caroline Forbes: Bitch bitch bitch!
Team Delena: Fap fap fap!
Team Stelena: Cut cut cut!
Team Producers: Muahaha!
Vampire Diaries – S04E07 – My Brother's Keeper
Caroline Forbes: Hi Stefan! As you know, odd social rituals are the most important thing in Mystic Falls, and I was wondering when you were going to show up to the High School Beauty Pageant of Doom 2012?
Stefan Salvatore: Sorry, but Elena is on Team Damon now, so I’m going to channel my sexual frustrations into sweaty, shirtless workouts and then probably murder a ton of people. I’m booked solid!
Caroline Forbes: What? Elena has feelings for Damon? The Damon who has saved her life countless times? The Damon who stood by her side when you went off and murdered literally hundreds of innocent girls? The Damon who didn’t threaten to murder her in the same way her parents died just to get back at Klaus? The Damon who was enough of a gentleman to not take advantage of her emotional weakness to get into her panties? The Damon who tired to help he get her urges under control instead of bottling them up like some kind of fanged time bomb? The Damon who tried to convince her to become strong and independent? That Damon?
Stefan Salvatore: I know, right? Like what the actual fuck?
The Lady of the Manor: Not even Caroline Forbes can make me like peplum tops.
Thomas: What in the nine fucks is a peplumb top?
The Lady of the Manor: See? You aren’t a complete girl!
Thomas: …Thanks?
Vampire Diaries – S04E06 – We All Go A Little Mad Sometimes
Connor Jordan: Hi Elena! You’re a monster!
Elena Gilbert: I am not! I’m the smartest, prettiest, most talented –
Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Elena!
Elena Gilbert: Facestab!
Connor Jordan: You were saying?
Elena Gilbert: Nevermind.
Vampire Diaries – S04E05 – The Killer
Connor Jordan: Hi Professor Dumbledore! Thanks for sending me into a pack of werepire murder machines without any kind of hint or warning! Do you know how hard it is to kill one of those things?
Professor Dumbledore: You introduce them in Act One and then wait for the inevitable, three scenes later?
Connor Jordan: They kidnapped me! And tortured me! And took off all my clothes!
Professor Dumbledore: That’s a shame, really. Hey, speaking of nudity, there’s this witch in Mystic Falls that’s central to all of my plots, schemes, and machinations. If you could avoid putting any bullets or knives in her, that would be great!
Connor Jordan: I’m sorry, all I heard you say was “murder murder murder murder tea murder murder.”
Professor Dumbledore: Sigh. I’ll occupy her myself. With my penis bibliography!
Vampire Diaries – S04E04 – The Five
Glinda the Good Witch of the South(ern United States): “Sacred fire and magic tattoos, mystic swords and sigils too, forge now warriors, five in all, to make the vampires shake and -” wait a second, I thought the Slayers were supposed to be, you know, girls.
Brock: But our tresses are both long and luscious!
Grock: Our features soft and feminine!
Drock: Our bodies totally devoid of hair!
Frock: Our hands soft and smooth!
Krock: And our bosoms full and voluptuous!
Glinda the Good Witch of the South(ern United States): Close enough! Slayermake!
The Lady of the Manor: All of the wigs! None of the shirts! It’s a flashback episode!
Vampire Diaries – S04E03 – The Rager
Connor Jordan: Hi Tyler! I just incapacitated every police officer in Mystic Falls using nothing but some bailing twine and my own sharp wits! And now I’m going to paralyze you, stick a thirty-seven inch needle in your gums, and suck out some of your fang juice!
Tyler Lockwood: …I liked it better when I was just subjected to unrelenting pain and terror on the full moon. At least I could plan for that. Stock up on whiskey or something.
Martha Stewarts Hybrid Home Journal: Ingredients: 1 part wolfsbane, 2 parts fang juice, 1 splash Doppelganger blood, vervain to taste. Simmer over a low heat in a bunsen burner stolen from the local high school, sprinkle with shavings of magic moon rock, let stand for 300 years, serve under a full moon.
Connor Jordan: Wow, the Mystic Falls Inquisitor has full-page articles on all of my exploits! I better cut them out and post them on my wall! That’s never bit anyone in the ass!
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! I have a cool motorcycle and a cool leather jacket and cool hair and a cool pack of cool cigarettes rolled up in the cool sleeve of my cool shirt! Don’t I look cool?!?
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, almost as cool as I looked getting a wrist job from your “girlfriend.”
Stefan Salvatore: …I am so going to think of a comeback to that, and you better answer your phone when I do.
Damon Salvatore: Speaking of wrist jobs, have you seen Matt lately?
