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The Vampire Diaries – S02E04 – Memory Lane
Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Thomas: Hey babe, wanna watch The Vampire Diaries with me?
The Girlfriend: …sure?
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Katherine! It’s the eighteen hundreds, and we’re dancing! Kissyface!
Katherine Pierce: Tut tut, Stefan! You know these people are all sexually repressed! Let’s just wave at each other!
Stefan Salvatore: Say, Damon looks pissed that you picked me to escort you to the ball!
Katherine Pierce: Well he’s just going to have to concede the fact that you’re a better lover dancer than he is. Besides, he’s found someone else to occupy his time…
Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Ravish me please!
The Vampire Diaries – S02E03 – Bad Moon Rising
Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Alaric Saltzman: Hi guys! They can afford me for this episode! Also, my hair got big!
Damon Salvatore: That’s nice. So, can I offer you something? Bourbon? Coffee? Bourbon in your coffee?
Thomas: Loves Damon.
Stefan Salvatore: There’s no time for coffee, Damon! We need exposition!
Alaric Saltzman: Right! So, as you all know, my evil ex-wife was all about the vampires. What you may not know is that she also had a side business researching werewolves!
Damon Salvatore: BS. I’ve been around for more than 160 years, and I’ve never seen one… if werewolves exist, where are they?
The Vampire Diaries – S02E02 – Brave New World
Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Thomas: Would like to point out that he is still pissed off at how fast people smother to death on TV. Go ahead, try to hold your breath for as long as Katherine was pillow-killing Caroline. Bet you didn’t die, did you?
Caroline Forbes: Wow, that sure was a wacky dream I had about Elena being a vampire and murdering me in my sleep! Tee hee!
Nurse Threelines: Um, back to bed honey.
Caroline Forbes: Gee, I sure am hungry. And you smell delicious. And that blood pack looks awfully tasty…
Nurse Threelines: That’s nice, dear. We’ll get you a psych consult in the morning.
Caroline Forbes: Blood sneak! Eew, this tastes disgusting! Just kidding! Blood is delicious! Om nom nom!
Vampire Diaries Soundtrack – October 12th
The soundtrack for The Vampire Diaries will be released on October 12th. The track list:
- Stefan’s Theme – Mike Suby
- Running Up That Hill – Placebo
- Currency of Love – Silversun Pickups
- Hammock – Howls
- Sleep Alone (909s in the DarkTimes Mix) – Bat for Lashes
- Bloodstream (Vampire Diaries Remix) – Stateless
- We Radiate – Goldfrapp
- Obsession – Sky Ferreira
- Head Over Heels – Digital Daggers
- Down – Jason Walker
- Beauty of the Dark – Mads Langer
- Cut – Plumb
- All You Wanted – Sounds Under Radio featuring Alison Sudol of A Fine Frenzy
- The Fellowship – Smashing Pumpkins
- On Melancholy Hill (Feed Me Remix) – Gorillaz
- 1864 – Mike Suby
On a personal note, I’m a bit Bat for Lashes fan, and it’s cool that she’s got a remix on this CD. And the Plumb song is really good, too.
You can learn more, or pre-order, at TheVampireDiariesSoundtrack.com
The Vampire Diaries – S02E01 – The Return
Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Elena Gilbert is the Hot Leading Lady. She’s also an orphan, and lives with her Aunt Jenna, who appears to be about twelve years old. (She’s twenty!)
Stefan Salvatore is a hundred-plus year old vampire who is oh so emo about his vampire ways and oh so hungry for Elena Gilbert’s girl parts blood. Also, Elena just happens to look exactly like Stefan’s sire Katherine Pierce, so much so that she’s played by the same actress.
Damon Salvatore is Stefan’s older vampire brother, who loves loves loves being a vampire, and also hates Stefan for turning him into a vampire. Well, kind of. Katherine gave them both blood – Damon willingly, Stefan via mind-whammy – but it was Stefan who convinced Damon to eat his first Cute Young Victim, thus completing his change. He’s also totally into Elena, even though he pretends otherwise. At first, it was just to piss off Stefan, but then Daemon realized Elena is totally hot.
The Salvatore Brothers have Magic Rings of Not Exploding in the Sunlight, which allows them to walk around during the day. Many of the vampires in Katherine’s company have similar magic jewelry, while most other vampires do not. The rings were made by Emily Bennett, a powerful witch and sometimes ghost.
The Vampire Diaries – S01E22 – Founders' Day
The room is dark, quiet. Agains one wall, a computer sits on an old desk, the glow of the monitor casting a soft light around the room. A frazzled, harried man sits down at the keyboard, and wipes his hand across his face. He cracks his knuckles, then stretches his hands over keys.
But the words just won’t come. In the past week, he’s been retweeted by a producer, interviewed by a podcasting team, and followed by any number of people. Traffic to his blog is breaking his own (meager) records. For much of his audience, this will be the last thing they read before the show they all love returns in September. Their last memory. Their parting words.
The pressure is on. Fortunately, though, the man has a secret weapon, a tool that sparks creativity and calms to nerves.
Alcohol. Delicious, delicious alcohol.
Team Damon: OMG SQUEE Damon did the voiceover for “previously on The Vampire Diaries” this week!
Thomas: Oh boy. This is going to be rough.
Stefan Salvatore: Garbs himself in his fanciest finery, and looks every bit the Southern Gentleman.
Katherine Pierce Elena Gilbert: Garbs herself in a corset and a bustle and all manner of other lady-things that Thomas isn’t going to bother to Bing.
Elena Gilbert: Corsets suck. Sadface.
Aunt Jenna: I told you not to eat that celery stick.
Mystic Falls: Is the only town in the country that still cares about the families that founded it.
Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan! Happy Founder’s Day! I just dropped by to get some cotton candy. And steal Elena from you!
Team Damon: WHOO!
Stefan Salvatore: Brood. Glower. Brood.
Damon Salvatore: Hey, don’t be so glum, chum! Though I guess it’s understandable, what with me being the hotter, better, superior choice.
Team Damon: You tell ‘im!
Stefan Salvatore: Glower. Brood. Glower.
Team Damon: But don’t worry… Elena isn’t Katherine!
Elena Gilbert: Hey guys! It’s crazy how much I look like Katherine, isn’t it? Tee hee! Curtsy.
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Anna! Is there any way I can spin this so I’m sympathetic enough to you that you’ll sleep with me, and sympathetic enough to Uncle John Gilbert that you won’t fang him?
Anna: …No. But I did bring you a vial of my blood. Happy suiciding!
Elena Gilbert: Uncle John Gilbert is Daddy John Gilbert? Nose wrinkle.
Stefan Salvatore: Sorry, babe. But I wanted to tell you before Damon cock-blocked me.
Elena Gilbert: My life is so hard! Pout!
Tyler Lockwood: Hey Matt! Still pissed off I made out with your mom, then kicked your ass?
Matt Donovan: Eat me.
Tyler Lockwood: I’ll take that as a “yes.”
Elena Gilbert: Hey Jeremy! Still pissed off I aided and abetted the guys that killed your girlfriend, then had Damon mind-whammy you?
Jeremy Gilbert: Eat me.
Elena Gilbert: I’ll take that as a “yes.”
The Audience: Checks out.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! Princess wave.
Damon Salvatore: Slides into frame. Hi Elena!
The Audience: Checks right back in.
Elena Gilbert: Eye roll.
Bonnie Bennet: Pukeface.
Damon Salvatore: Bonnie, wait! I just wanted to say thank you for using your mind rays to destroy the Plot Device so that Uncle John Gilbert can’t kill me! I like being alive! Sort of! I owe you!
Bonnie Bennet: Guiltyface.
Uncle John Gilbert: So, the Plot Device gives off a super-sonic, vampire-felling noise, driving the vampires to their knees. Then the cannon fodder Sheriff’s Deputies rush in and die inject them with vervain, and then, once the danger’s over, I rush in and stake-stake-stake my way into Aunt Jenna’s pants. Clear?
Anna: Hi guys! I may or may not be a snitch!
Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena! I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re hotter dressed in modern clothes. I mean, only a total loser would hang around you just because you look like some chick from 1864. Oh, wait, why does Stefan like you again…?
Elena Gilbert: Okay Damon I love Stefan and he’s worried that I might fall for you so you need to stop being all flirty and hot and you really need to stop doing that eye thing okay?
Damon Salvatore: What eye thing? Does the eye thing.
Team Damon: Swoon.
Damon Salvatore: Oh, that eye thing. Tee hee!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Jeremy! I’m a total bitch! How can I make that up to you?
Jeremy Gilbert: You can go to hell, Elena.
Elena Gilbert: Okay… Bing says that it’s like eleven hours away but that’s all right because Stefan has a car but wait it’s old and really slow and it might break down so maybe we should take Damon’s car that got us all the way to Georgia with no problem and I bet Stefan won’t mind! Tee hee!
Damon Salvatore: Let’s see… I like Elena, Elena wants Jeremy to like her again… I know! I’ll beat up Jeremy until he stops being such an emo little bitch! Violence solves everything!
Stefan Salvatore: …Or we could try explaining ourselves rationally and patiently.
Damon Salvatore: ..Douche.
Sheriff Forbes: I think your plan to use the whole town as bait sucks!
Uncle John Gilbert: I understand your concerns, but before you say “no,” I’d like you to consider: donkey punch!
Anna: So… the tombpires are kinda sorta planning to murder everyone until they’re dead. But Uncle John Gilbert’s Plot Device can stop them! We should go hide where it’s safe!
Damon Salvatore: The Plot Device doesn’t work. The witch that hates me and you and everyone else made sure of it. Which means: super vampire being a hero to impress Elena and get into her pants powers activate!
Team Damon: That’s it, Katerina Graham is toast.
Katerina Graham: Wait, wait, you’re confusing me, Katerina Graham, the actor, with Bonnie Bennet, the character I play!
Team Damon: Hiss!
Katherine Graham: O_o Backs away slowly.
Sonny the Unnamed Vampire Leader: Let’s kill us some humans! And remember: only one main character!
Mayor Lockwood: Hey Tyler! I don’t want to cause a panic, but you and your friends need to take my car and get the hell out of here as fast as you can!
Caroline Forbes: OMG TERRORISTS! Panic!
Anna: Hi Jeremy! I need you to come into the ladies’ room so we can…
Jeremy Gilbert: ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease
Anna: …talk.
Jeremy Gilbert: Goddammit!
Mayor Lockwood: Mystic Falls is the kind of town everyone wants to call home. That’s why we have a population of 147!
Sonny the Unnamed Vampire Leader: Angryface!
Mayor Lockwood: Anyway! Significant look, chin nod.
Sheriff’s Deputy: Radio mutter.
Uncle John Gilbert: Plot Device powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: This is less than ideal!
Stefan Salvatore: And totally unforeseen!
Thomas: “Unfoeseen” has a lot of ‘e’s in it!
Sheriff’s Deputies: Anti-vampire pot needle powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Gets taken!
Mayor Lockwood: Gets taken! (Opps!)
Anna: Gets taken!
Stefan Salvatore: Gets taken rescued by Alaric!
Tyler Lockwood: Ow, my head! It’s like my eardrums are being pierced by a wolf whistle or something! I better crash my car!
Caroline Forbes: I’ll help!
Uncle John Gilbert: Don’t mind me, just pouring some gas on your soon to be less animated corpses! Oh, hi Anna! Stake!
Team Anna: Rage!
Uncle John Gilbert: Lights the building on fire.
Damon Salvatore: Being a hero sucks.
Mayor Lockwood: So, whatcha in for?
Damon Salvatore: Vampire. You?
Mayor Lockwood: Werewolf.
Damon Salvatore: Okay then.
EMT: Pulse steady, pressure good, eyes lupine… looks like he’s going to be okay.
Caroline Forbes: I’m not! Falls.
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire wildly inconsistent powers of hearing a burning building from three blocks away so I can hopefully rescue my brother in time so Team Damon doesn’t murder me in my sleep powers activate!
Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Elena! Arm grab!
Elena Gilbert: Please let me go so I can help my boyfriend help my other boyfriend good friend just friends nothing to see here please move along!
Uncle John Gilbert: I’m thinking… no.
Elena Gilbert: Please… daddy?
Uncle John Gilbert: …goddammit.
Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch! I can stop fires with my brain!
Stefan Salvatore: That’s convenient! Rushes into the burning building.
Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Super vampire escaping because we can run really really fast powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: I love you Stefan!
Stefan Salvatore: But… Damon is so hot and he’s a bad boy and I know how you girls love your bad boys and he does that thing with his eyes and…
Elena Gilbert: Not helping!
Jeremy Gilbert: Emo! Woe! Pain!
Damon Salvatore: Hey Jeremy! Anna’s dead! Also, I’m… what’s that word? Has to do with guilt? Sorry! I’m sorry about what I did to Vicki. It was… something about moral culpability, starts with a ‘w’… wrong! I was wrong. Man, being a good guy sucks.
Jeremy Gilbert: Is it true that vampires can shut off the emo and the woe and the pain?
Damon Salvatore: Sure is! Don’t go doing anything dumb now!
Sheriff Forbes: Hey guys! Caroline’s in surgery. Sure hope she doesn’t die like your father did!
Tyler Lockwood: Wait, what?
Jeremy Gilbert: Let’s see… vial of blood, full bottle of narcotics… time to get this party started! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang!
Bonnie Bennet: Hi Stefan! I’m a witch! I can kill Damon with my brain! And you, too, if I need to! Better behave! </santa>
Stefan Salvatore: If I was the cool vampire brother, I’d totally be snapping your neck right now.
Bonnie Bennet: What was that?
Stefan Salvatore: Nothing! Nervous laugh.
Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena! Just dropped by to try and do the right thing. And by “right thing,” I totally don’t mean “turn your brother into a vampire!” Anyway, I’ve got this whole good guy thing going on now, and I kind of blame you for it. On the other hand, I’m not dead because you convinced Bonnie “I’m a Witch” Bennet to mind ray the flames away, so… cheek kiss!
Team Damon: Squee!
Damon Salvatore: Oh, and by the way, mouth kiss!
Elena Gilbert: I support this idea! Smootch!
Team Damon: [note: Mere HTML is insufficient to convey the outpouring of squee at this turn of events -Thomas]
Aunt Jenna: Hi guys! I’m judgmental!
Uncle John Gilbert: Elena, I loved your mother, and I’m sorry about being such a raging douche.
Elena Gilbert Katherine Pierce: I accept your apology. Also: Super vampire cutting off your Ring of Not Dying (and all of your fingers) then stabbing you to death powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! I’m home!
The Screen: Goes black.
The Vampire Diaries – Season One: Is over.
Season Two: Isn’t on until September.
The Fans: Nooooooo!</vader>
The Vampire Diaries – S01E21 – Isobel
Isobel Flemming: Hey Alaric! How’ve you been since I ripped your heart out, burned it, danced on the ashes, mothered an illegitimate child, hid her from you, slept with Damon, let Damon feed on me, and got turned into a vampire? And how’s Elena doing?
Alaric Saltzman: Eff. You.
Isobel Flemming: Well okay then! I’ll just go on a murder spree!
Elena Gilbert: Hey you! Just calling to check in!
Damon Salvatore: I-
Team Damon: Squee!
Damon Salvatore: Ahem, I’m fine, but Stefan… He’s all good and noble and not fanging innocent young girls anymore. You have him so whipped.
Elena Gilbert: Yay! Well I have to go meet Caroline!
Damon Salvatore: Have fun with her. I know I did.
Thomas: Direct quote. I <3 Damon.
Caroline Forbes: All of my friends are fighting, and that makes me sad! Because if they’re fighting, they’re too busy to pay attention to me!
Elena Gilbert: Sadface.
Stefan Salvatore: Broodface.
Alaric Saltzman: Angstface.
Damon Salvatore: Okay, what’s up with the emo-fest? You guys look like your long lost vampire wife / mother came back and threatened to murder the whole town or something.
Everyone Else: …
Damon Salvatore: …goddammit.
Isobel Flemming: Hey Uncle John Gilbert! I’d like to introduce you to Mostly Naked Jazz Singer Chick and Largely Nude Sometimes Gay Cowboy! Vampire mind control powers rock!
Uncle John Gilbert: Look, babe… I may need you, but that doesn’t mean I like you. I do not approve of your lifestyle.
The Republican Party: Hey, we hate gays vampires, too! We should do lunch!
Isobel Flemming: Anyway, did you find the Original John Gilbert’s Vampire Gizmo yet? No? Well, in that case, vampire bitchslap powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Allright, allright, letting Isobel murder the entire town is off the table. But I still don’t think it’s a good idea for you to meet with her.
Elena Gilbert: But why? She’s my mother and well I don’t really love her in fact I kind of hate her but I still want to know where I come from because I never really believed that story about the stork and now I think it might have been a bat because you know vampire and besides it isn’t like she’s going to fang me or something! Tee hee!
Damon Salvatore: Facepalm.
Elena Gilbert: Can you hear me, Stefan?
Stefan Salvatore: Why yes, my wildly inconsistent powers of vampire hearing allow me to hear your hushed whisper in this crowded bar with perfect clarity!
Elena Gilbert: Oh good! I was afraid that I’d have to meet my mother all alone and there would be no one to protect me from the evil, child abandoning, husband leaving, whole town threatening vamp-
Isobel Flemming: Hi Elena!
Elena Gilbert: -ire.
Isobel Flemming: Time for some character development! I’ll go first! I’m a huge bitch!
Elena Gilbert: That’s it?
Isobel Flemming: Yep!
Alaric Saltzman: I don’t get it! Why is my wife so cold and callous? Stefan is a vampire, and he’s all noble and good! You’re a vampire, and you’re… well, a dick, but at least you have feelings! What happened to Isobel?
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire sociopathy powers activate. It’s a thing. Can we kill her now?
Isobel Flemming: So, long story short, I want The Original John Gilbert’s Plot Device, and I’ll murder the entire town until you give it to me. And did I mention that I’m a huge bitch? Because I am. Tootles!
Elena Gilbert: Weep!
Stefan Salvatore: Cautious attempts at comfort!
Bonnie Bennet: Screw you, vampire boy! I’m outta here!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Anna, Jeremy again. I’ve tried to leave you like three hundred voice mails today, but I guess you’re not getting them, because you didn’t call me back instantly. I heart you!
Uncle John Gilbert: Girl trouble, huh? I hope she’s not off plotting revenge for the murder of her mother or anything! But seriously, if you need someone to talk to… well, let’s just say I have intimate knowledge of the female of the species, if you know what I mean.
Aunt Jenna: Gag!
Uncle John Gilbert: I got into your pants, didn’t I?
Jeremy Gilbert: Gag!
Damon Salvatore and The Mostly Naked Jazz Singer Chick: Play Strip Poker.
Damon Salvatore: Is losing.
Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Swoon!
Isobel Flemming: Hey Damon! I want the Plot Device! Oh, and did I mention that I want it so I can give it to… Katherine? Also: sexy time now?
Damon Salvatore: One: I like this town, and I would appreciate it if you could not screw this up for me. Two: I like Elena, and I”m pretty sure she’s going to get bored with Stefan’s emotude soon-
Team Damon: Yay!
Damon Salvatore: …and I would appreciate it if you would not screw that up, either. Three: Katherine is a bitch. Four: I’m all about killing the messenger, because it sends a message. Also: throat grab! Head slam! Angry face!
Thomas: I still <3 Damon.
Bonnie Bennet: Elena, I’ve been a terrible friend! I know something’s wrong… what happened?
Elena Gilbert: I met my birth mother!
Bonnie Bennet: That’s great!
Elena Gilbert: She’s a vampire!
Bonnie Bennet: That’s less than ideal!
Tyler Lockwood: Hey bro, how’s your mom?
Matt Donovan: Oh, you mean the mom that I caught you playing tonsil hockey with? Eat me.
Tyler Lockwood: That… didn’t go how I planned.
Bonnie Bennet: Hey Elena! All of those Plot Devices the Original John Gilbert invented? Total crap! My ghost-witch-aunt used magic to make them work! The one your mom wants is a weapon! It kills vampires! That makes me happy!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Elena! Do you know where Anna is?
Elena Gilbert: …how would I know where Anna is?
Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the vampire you’re sleeping with, or the vampire everyone watching wants you to be sleeping with, has talked to her recently.
Elena Gilbert: Sure, Elena. Just write everything down in your diary. No one’s ever stolen a diary before. And if they did, they wouldn’t believe vampires are real! They’d just assume you’re crazy, and throw you in a looney bin. Great plan, Elena, great plan.
Isobel Flemming: Hi Elena! This is my gay cowboy friend! He’s going to jump on that float and make it come crashing down on your ex-boyfriend!
Gay Cowboy Friend: Leap!
Float: Crash!
Matt Donovan: Scream!
Stefan Salvatore: Vampire lifting the really heavy truck thing off my girlfriend’s ex boyfriend powers activate!
Isobel Flemming: Wow, breaking humans sure is easy! And fun! Also, I have your brother! Tell Damon I said hello! Also: I’m a huge bitch!
Isobel Flemming: Hey Uncle John Gilbert! I invited you over to my house of ill repute so I could tell you that I kidnaped your nephew! That advances my plans somehow!
Uncle John Gilbert: Isobel, I know that there’s good in you. I can feel it. Let him go. </heartfelt>
Isobel Flemming: Well, that’s one option. Alternatly:
Gay Cowboy Friend: Lamp smash! Throat stomp! Rib kick!
Isobel Flemming: Ring of Not Dying snatch!
Uncle John Gilbert: Bleeds quietly on the carpet.
Elena Gilbert: So the plan is, you give us the Plot Device, Bonnie un-magics it until it doesn’t work any more-
Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch!
Elena Gilbert: -and we get Jeremy back without any more bloodshed.
Damon Salvatore: …okay, you lost me at “no more bloodshed.” Also, I don’t really trust Bonnie. You know, since I tried to kill her and all.
Elena Gilbert: Soulful eyes. You can trust me, Damon.
Damon Salvatore: …I am so getting into those pants.
Team Damon: Yay!
Uncle John Gilbert: Bleed. So the Original John Gilbert invented a Weapon of Mass Vampstruction. Groan. And there’s a group of evil(er) vampires coming back to Mystic Falls, to take revenge on the town. Whimper. Isobel wants them dead, too, which is cool. Bleed. But she also seems to want me dead, which is less than ideal.
Bonnie Bennet: Special effects powers activate! There, the weapon designed to get rid of vampires, for whom I have shown an intense, personal hatred, is destroyed. No, I’m not lying about it so Isobel can wipe out all of the vampires in Mystic Falls! Why would you ask that? Nervous laugh.
Isobel Flemming: All right Elena, Jeremy and Uncle John Gilbert are safe back at home. Gimme the Plot Device that I know Damon gave you, because he’s in love with you.
Damon Salvatore: Well that’s awkward.
Team Damon: Yay!
Stefan Salvatore: I am going to severely brood at you when we get home.
Elena Gilbert: Jeremy, I can explain everything…
Jeremy Gilbert: Sweet! Because I’m really wondering what happened during the period of time you had Damon erase from my memories! Doorslam!
Isobel Flemming: Hey Alaric! Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula> You’re totally over me! But don’t worry, I’m still a huge bitch!
Anna: My momma’s dead!
Jeremy Gilbert: So… no nookie tonight?
Stefan Salvatore: So, about you putting the moves on my girl…
Damon Salvatore: No worries, bro! We’re just friends. The kind of friends that talk to each other about the deepest secrets, and cry on each other’s shoulders, and stare longingly into each other’s eyes while the boring other vampire detoxes in the wine cellar. By the way: Uncle John Gilbert is also Papa John Gilbert! I’m going to go practice my comforting skills! Tootles!
Stefan Salvatore: …sonofa…
Isobel Flemming: Hey Uncle John Gilbert! The Plot Device and your Ring of Not Dying are on the doorstep. Do me a favor and kill all those vamps from the tomb. Also: could you murder Stefan and Damon until they’re dead?
Uncle John Gilbert: Boy can I!
Isobel Flemming: Thanks babe!
Caroline Forbes: Bonnie! What’s wrong!
Bonnie Bennet: Well, I may have deliviered a weapon capable of killing her boyfriend into the hands of a woman who really really wants to kill her boyfriend. And then promised them that the weapon was a dud. Also: what do you think about my new bangs?
The Plot: Thickens.
The Vampire Diaries – S01E20 – Blood Brothers
I have a folder of bookmarks in Firefox labeled “Vampire Positions.” It contains research for a story I’m working on, primarily a bunch of web pages on Feudal and Victorian government. Still, every time I see this folder, I stop and ask myself “was I really that hard up for porn? Did I really go looking for the fanged Kama Sutra?”
Stefan Salvatore: Oh, man, what a hangover! It’s like someone jabbed me in the side with a dart filled with anti-vampire pot or something! My head’s all fuzzy! In fact, I’m having a fever dream of…
Stefan Salvatore: Damon, I know how to rescue Katherine from the villagers and the pitchforks and the torches! All we have to do is make a lot of noise until the Original Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council shoots us!
Damon Salvatore: Wait, that doesn’t sound like a very good pl-
The Original Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: Bang.
Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Die.
Elena Gilbert: Oh, but it is ever so hard to see my Stefan locked up like this!
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, it’s a tragedy. Wanna see what’s on TV?
Stefan Salvatore: Hey, guess who’s not really dead… this guy! Wait, why am I not dead?
Emily Bennet: Oh, Katherine’s been mind-whammying you into drinking her blood for weeks. You’re a vampire now. Surprise!
Stefan Salvatore: Wait, Damon’s alive! Katherine must have tricked him, too!
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, she… tricked me. Yep. That’s how it went.
Elena Gilbert: Figure out what the Original John Gilbert’s gizmo does yet?
Damon Salvatore: So far, it looks like it’s a plot device.
Elena Gilbert: Neat! Is it cool if I crash here again tonight?
Damon Salvatore: If I say “no,” will you do that thing where a girl wonders why you’re rejecting her, and throws herself at you? Because if yes, then no.
Anna: Hey Jeremy! I convinced my mommy to let me come to school, and I mind-whammied the guidance councilor to give me all of the same classes as you!
Jeremy Gilbert: …hot.
Damon Salvatore: Hey bro! Brought you some rabbit blood! Drink up!
Stefan Salvatore: I’m sorry, I have like two whole episodes worth of brooding to catch up on. I’ll just be over here in the corner, glowering at the floor and flexing my shoulder muscles.
Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: …hot.
Alaric Saltzman: Hey Damon! I’ve got a friend who’s a private investigator, and he thinks my vampire wife, who is also Elena’s vampire mother, is in Grove Hills!
Damon Salvatore: That’s nice. Can you not call me please?
Damon Salvatore’s Product Placement Blackberry: Beeps.
Elena Gilbert: Hey Damon! Just putting together some clothes, and I’ll be right over!
Damon Salvatore: That’s great. Hey, Alaric… I changed my mind, come get me the hell out of here. Oh, Elena? Stefan like puppy blood. Big, floppy eared, golden retriever puppy blood. Can you bring some by? Tootles!
Uncle John Gilbert: Hey Elena!
Elena Gilbert: Eep! Uncle John! What are you doing here?
Uncle John Gilbert: Oh, just watching you rifle through your underwear drawer. Also: what would your mother think if she knew you were dating a vampire?
Elena Gilbert: Um… would that be the mother who is a vampire, or the mother who never told me I was adopted?
Uncle John Gilbert: …fair point.
Stefan Salvatore: Broods.
Damon Salvatore: Well, Katherine’s dead, our father betrayed us, and the villagers shot us. There’s nothing left to live for, so we might as well kill ourselves before we turn completely into vampires.
Stefan Salvatore: Okay, but first, let’s bathe in the river. Together.
Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!
Elena Gilbert: Stefan you have to eat because if you don’t eat you’ll get all dried out and corpsey and then how can I kiss you?
Stefan Salvatore: Brood!
Elena Gilbert: Stefan I love you and I want you to get better and I even brought you puppy blood please eat!
Stefan Salvatore: Suicidal brood!
Myspace, LiveJournal, Etc: We did that first.
Damon Salvatore: Drama queen.
Uncle John Gilbert: Well Pearl, I know you have no intention of giving me the Original John Gilbert’s Vampire Gizmo, but I don’t think you counted on the power of my wit and charm. Behold… may I buy you a drink?
Pearl: …that’s it?
Anna: …blah blah blah, and they’re all looking for this Vampire Gizmo my mommy gave Damon, and now your uncle wants us all dead.
Jeremy Gilbert: How do you know Uncle John wants you all dead?
Anna: The Welcome to Mystic Falls fruit basket, with a card that says “Hey vampires, I want you all dead! Love, Uncle John Gilbert” was a big clue.
Jeremy Gilbert: You’re hot!
Anna: I’m naked!
Jeremy Gilbert: That’s convenient!
Anna and Jeremy Gilbert: Smootch!
Damon Salvatore: No barrier on the threshold, bunch of blood in the fridge, looks like this place is home to a bunch of-
Henry the Random Vampire: Surprise fang tackle!
Alaric Saltzman: Surprise wooden stake knuckles!
Damon Salvatore: Vampires.
Elena Gilbert: Weep!
Stefan Salvatore: Brood!
Papa Salvatore: So, about this Watcher’s journal… I was thinking that my sons’ entries would read better as “hapless victims of the Battle of Willow Creek” than “dirty rotten hellbound vampire sympathizers.” What do you guys think?
The Original John Gilbert: Agrees.
Stefan Salvatore: Brood!
Elena Gilbert: Oh my! Someone went and unlocked this big old dungeon door! Well, I might as well bring in this bottle of blood!
Stefan Salvatore: Fangs! Bottle slap! Intimidate!
Elena Gilbert: Get over yourself, Stefan. I’m not going anywhere. You see this face? This is my serious face. :-{ You know what happens when I put on my serious face.
Stefan Salvatore: Pout! Brood!
Damon Salvatore: So, what’s Uncle John up to these days?
Henry the Random Vampire: Oh, you know. He got me this house, taught me how to use the microwave, he’s having me spy on all of the other vampires so he can either kill them or take over the town or both, told me to separate my whites and my colors, the usual.
Alaric Saltzman: Neat. Oh, by the way: stake!
Henry the Random Vampire: Dies.
Thomas: Still wants to know why Alaric isn’t Team Uncle John Gilbert, and why he’s so buddy-buddy with Damon “I Ate Your Wife Then Vamped Her” Salvatore.
Uncle John Gilbert: Hey, did I ever tell you how much The Original John Gilbert loved you? Wait, did I say “loved?” I meant “regretted not driving a stake through your heart.” My bad.
Pearl: Hey, did I ever tell you that I gave The Original John Gilbert Vampire Gizmo to your best buddy Damon? And that you can rot in hell?
Uncle John Gilbert: Well that’s less than ideal.
Stefan Salvatore: Brood!
Elena Gilbert: Why are you so broody?
Stefan Salvatore: Well, since you mention it…
Stefan Salvatore: Father, I have come to say goodbye!
Papa Salvatore: Egads! How can this be? I watched you die! After I shot you! For being a dirty vampire sympathizer! Stake!
Stefan Salvatore: Stakeblock! Bloodlust! First time fangs!
Papa Salvatore: That went differently in my head.
Alaric Saltzman: The only woman I ever loved left me without any explanation!
Damon Salvatore: Dude, I know, what with the sleeping with her and the fanging her and all. But I feel your pain. The only woman I ever loved left me without any explanation, too. Beer?
Alaric Saltzman: Mmm. Blood?
Damon Salvatore and Alaric Saltzman: Coming Summer 2010: Bad Boys III: Whatcha Gonna Do When They Fang On You?
Pearl: Hey Anna, is that boyfriend I smell in your hair? Oh, and did I mention that we’re leaving town tonight?
Damon Salvatore: So, Stefan eating yet?
Elena Gilbert: No, he still feels too guilty! And I blame you!
Damon Salvatore: Oh really? Because…
Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon! I just got back from killing our father, and I brought you a present! It’s a girl! Fangs!
Damon Salvatore: Sip, sip, fangs!
Stefan Salvatore: Brood! (Offscreen)
Elena Gilbert: So, uh, Damon? I may have accidentally left Stefan’s cage open, and he may have kind of wandered away without his Ring of Not Exploding in the Daylight. You wouldn’t happen to know how long it is until sunrise, would you? Tee hee!
Breakup Music: Plays.
Damon Salvatore: Hey bro, thanks for making me a vampire! I’m going to thank you by making the rest of your unending life a living hell!
Emily Bennet: And I just dropped by to tell you that you’re under a Gypsy curse: your heart is pure, and you shall never know true happiness!
Angel: I did that first… but at least you get to wink-wink and nudge-nudge the lead girl.
Elena Gilbert: Stefan, with this ring, I thee prevent from exploding in the sunlight, and promise to love you and wink you and nudge you, till next season do us part.
Stefan Salvatore: Brood! Smooch! Brood!
Team Damon: …goddammit.
Pearl: Oh, how sweet! The Token Black Vampire packed up my things for me! Hey, where did this stake in my heart come from? Dies.
Damon Salvatore: So, you feeling all righteous and straight edge again?
Stefan Salvatore: Sure do!
Damon Salvatore: Thank God… this whole “not quite so evil” thing was getting to be a drag. Now I can go back to hating you and eating cute young couples!
Anna: …Momma?
Alaric Saltzman: Wow, my life sucks. Just about the only thing that could make it worse would be if my vampire sort-of-ex-wife showed up.
Isobel Flemming: Hey Rick!
The Plot: Thickens.
The Vampire Diaries – S01E19 – Miss Mystic Falls
Stefan Salvatore: Sports car: check. Leather jacket: check. Sunglasses: check.
Midlife Crisis: Underway.
Elena Gilbert: Hey babe! Does this mean you kicked your drug blood habit?
Stefan Salvatore: Ha! No! Now where are your cheerleader buddies?
Uncle John Gilbert: So, looks like your brother some as-of-yet unknown vampire has been stealing blood from the local Red Cross. Wanna help me track him down and stake him?
Damon Salvatore: I’m thinking… no.
Uncle John Gilbert: Hey, Sheriff Forbes! Guess how Damon has been spending his nights!
Damon Salvatore: Why, helping you track down evil, evil vampires of course! Innocent smirk!
Sheriff Forbes: It’s all right, Damon. I know all about your porn collection. You don’t have to be ashamed.
Stefan Salvatore: I’m back in school! And I’m a vampire!
Bonnie Bennet: I’m back in school! And I’m a witch! With straight hair! And bangs!
Alaric Saltzman: I’m teaching a class on Founder’s Day! Because this story needs exposition!
Anna: My mommy’s very very sorry that her friends kidnapped and tortured your brother!
Damon Salvatore: But not sorry enough to come and tell me herself?
Anna: Mommy doesn’t do apologies!
Damon Salvatore: Huh. Well, Damon doesn’t do forgiveness, so that works.
Anna: By the way: your brother’s robbing the blood bank!
Elena Gilbert: Bonnie! We haven’t talked in weeks! How’s it going, bestest of bestest buddies!
Caroline Forbes: Bonnie! We haven’t talked in… oh, that’s right! We’ve talked on the phone every night since you left! Mostly about how you hate vampires! And the girls that date them! Hey, I need help picking out a dress for Miss Mystic Falls!
Elena Gilbert: Miss Mystic Falls?
Caroline Forbes: You know, the beauty pageant that we’ve been planning for months, and that the writers totally didn’t come up with at the last moment! But you could totally drop out if you’re too busy!
Elena Gilbert: No, that’s all right. My mom had a whole Barbie doll thing going on with me. She’d want me to beat you enter.
Caroline Forbes: Sadface.
Damon Salvatore: Wow, Stefan! You sure are chipper! And that can only mean one thing…
Stefan Salvatore: No, Elena did not agree to dress up like the Biker from the Village People. Pout.
Damon Salvatore: I was going to say “human blood,” but that was way more intriguing…
Elena Gilbert: Hey baby! Will you take me to the Founder’s Day dance? And eat all of the competition for Miss Mystic Falls?
Stefan Salvatore: Sure, babe! But first…
Stefan Salvatore: Has enough blood stashed away to keep the Red Cross going for the next decade.
Damon Salvatore: Aw, man! I was hoping for Village People costumes! Anyway: you haven’t had human blood for a century and a half, and I know what you’re going through. You’ve got to be careful, man! You can’t go running around robbing blood banks and beating people up!
Stefan Salvatore: Are you trying to be the voice of reason here?
Damon Salvatore: …Goddammit! You see what you’re addiction has done to me?
Caroline Forbes: Here’s an extensive list of my civic involvement, charitable contributions, and noble character traits! Also, I’m pretty much the most beautiful human being alive!
Elena Gilbert: My mommy’s dead! Pity vote powers activate!
Uncle John Gilbert: So, Elena’s mom and I shared a common interest: sex. Also, some weird invention that Ye Old Gilbert Ancestors cooked up, which happened to fall into the hands of a vampire named… Pearl.
Damon Salvatore: Light switch. So… I’m thinking you need to A) shut the hell up, and B) get the hell out of my house.
Uncle John Gilbert: Gee, it sure would be a shame if someone told the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council that you’re a vampire, don’t you think?
Damon Salvatore: Gee, it sure would be a shame if someone ate the entire Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, then cut your hand off, smashed your Ring of Not Dying, and flayed you alive, wouldn’t it?
Uncle John Gilbert: Hey look at the time! Got to be going now! Tootles!
Mama Lockwood: Honor your partner…
Thomas: Is that what they call it these days?
Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Flirty face!
Mama Lockwood: So, this dance is all about not actually touching your partner.
Edward Cullen: I approve!
Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Lame.
Caroline Forbes: I deserve to be MMF! My Grandma was MMF! Both my Aunts were MMF! But Elena’s probably going to win, since her stupid mother is all dead and stuff! Pout! </entitled-rich-white-girl>
Stefan Salvatore: Hey Bonnie!
Bonnie Bennet: Icy stare.
Elena Gilbert: Bonnie! What’s wrong?
Bonnie Bennet: You mean aside from the fact that your boyfriend is a blood-sucking fiend that got me kidnapped, my grandmother killed, and set a horde or vampires loose on the town? Nothing!
Unimportant Guy: Oh no! I tripped and fell and cut open my leg!
Stefan Salvatore: Bloodlust!
Alaric Saltzman: Intervention!
Stefan Salvatore: Throat grab!
Alaric Saltzman: So… is Stefan doing all right?
Elena Gilbert: Well, he went through a rough patch, but he’s bouncing back.
Alaric Saltzman: And by “bouncing back” you mean “eating the basketball team?”
Uncle John Gilbert: Hey Aunt Jenna! Care to accompany me to the Founder’s Day Dance?
Alaric Saltzman: That’s all right, I’ve got this one! Cock block powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: So Uncle John Gilbert knows our secret and thinks Pearl might have a MacGuffin that he really really wants and boy it would be a shame if my two worst enemies destroyed each other, wouldn’t it? Innocent smile.
Pearl: …
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Uncle John! Have you read any of Uncle John the First’s journals? Sure is crazy, what with all the vampires, huh?
Uncle John Gilbert: Sniff, sniff. Is that a future vampire hunter I smell?
Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena!
Elena Gilbert: Damon! I’m getting dressed for the beauty pageant!
Damon Salvatore: Don’t let me stop you. Anyway, just thought you’d like to know Stefan’s off the wagon again! Later!
Anna: You used me! For sex fangs!
Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, and you weren’t going to give my blood to your mother, like it says in John Gilbert’s Guide to Plot Complications?
Anna: …damn. Busted.
Stefan Salvatore: What’s up, you guys!
Elena Gilbert: I know you’re drinking human blood again!
Damon Salvatore: And I’m going downstairs to get drunk. Graceful exit.
Stefan Salvatore: Elena, what’s wrong? I mean, aside from the stealing and the lying and the violent urges, I’m still the same broody guy who slept with you because you look like my ex!
Elena Gilbert: …
Stefan Salvatore: Rage! Angst! Mirror smash!
Amber: Eeep!
Stefan Salvatore: Fangs! Kidnap! Mind whammy!
Announcer Dude: Ms. Elena Gilbert, escorted by Mr. Stefan Damon Salvatore!
Team Damon: Squee!
Team Stefan: Grr!
Team Switzerland: Chocolate?
Elena Gilbert: This is horrible! What are we going to do?
Damon Salvatore: For now? Fake it. You should be used to that. You are dating my brother, after all.
Within Temptation: Plays.
Thomas: Already owns the album.
Damon Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Dance.
Team Stefan: Rage!
Team Damon: Swoon!
Team Switzerland: Cheese?
Stefan Salvatore: I shouldn’t do this I can’t do this I’m the good brother and if I do this there’s no going back but you’re so tasty looking and I haven’t had a blonde in ages and oh emo!
Amber: Go for it!
Stefan Salvatore: Okay! Fangs!
Mayor Lockwood: Well, before I crown the winner, I’d like to thank all of these ladies for their efforts to better our community. By being physically attractive. And now, without further ado, the Elena Gilbert Award for being Really Really Hot goes to… Caroline Forbes!
Uncle John Gilbert: Signs of a struggle, blood in the sink, missing girl… you know what this means.
Sheriff Forbes: It means we need Damon to save us!
Uncle John Gilbert: Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what that means. Facepalm.
Stefan Salvatore: Fangs!
Amber: Scream!
Damon Salvatore: Stop my brother from eating the human girl powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: Throw my brother across the woods because I’m all hopped up on human blood and I’m not a wuss anymore powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Woe! Shock! Misery!
Bonnie Bennet: Did I mention I’m a witch? Mind ray powers activate!
Thomas: Huh. Well played, madam. Well played.
Uncle John Gilbert: So, who’s the girl chatting up Jeremy?
Aunt Jenna: That’s Anna! Her mother’s Pearl! They’re vampires!
Alaric Saltzman: Hey Elena! You look like your boyfriend just fanged another woman!
Pearl: Hey Damon! Here’s the MacGuffin! We heart Mystic Falls! Whoo!
Elena Gilbert: Stefan! I know that wasn’t the real you! It’s the drugs blood that makes you do all these mean things! I know you really love me! And if Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that a bad boy can be saved by the love of an innocent girl!
Stefan Salvatore: Rage! Smash! Sorrow! Hug!
Elena Gilbert: It’s all right, Stefan, it’s all right. But, um… could you not put your face so close to my neck? Oh, and: verveine!
Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan? Remember how you locked me in this dungeon a few months ago? Really, this is for your own good.
Elena Gilbert: Keeping a vigil on my addict boyfriend powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Well, I’ve got nowhere better to be. Guess I’ll chill with you for a while.
Team Stefan: Weep!
Team Damon: Sigh!
Team Switzerland: Expertly crafted watch?
The Plot: Thickens.
The Vampire Diaries – S01E18 – Under Control
Stefan Salvatore: Is using the “exercise and more exercise” method of dealing with his sexual frustrations bloodlust.
Damon Salvatore: Wow, you sure worked up a sweat! You know what you need? A nice warm glass of type O-Negative.
Stefan Salvatore: No! I cannot! For it is wrong, and I am a noble, penitent vampire! Perhaps even with a soul! </angel>
Damon Salvatore: Okay then. Well, I’ll just leave this glass sitting here on the end table..
Stefan Salvatore: Salivate, tummy ruble, drool…
Damon Salvatore: Ha! Gotcha!
Uncle John Gilbert: Has never been a good guy on a show ever, even if he seemed like a good guy to start out. Chances he’s a dick on TVD: about 100%.
Aunt Jenna: Hey uncle John! Did you sign the escrow papers so I can sell the old office so I can put Elena and Jeremy through college, and pay for the treatment for Lassie’s cancer, and feed some starving orphans?
Uncle John Gilbert: Ha, no! I’m going to use this one area of power to force myself back into your life, and make you cater to my every whim!
Uncle John Gilbert: Is a dick.
Elena Gilbert: My family situation is all screwed up!
Matt Donovan: My Family situation is screwed up!
Elena Gilbert: Let’s console each other!
Stefan Salvatore and Caroline Forbes (Offscreen): Grumble, angst, pout.
Tyler Lockwood: Did you hear? They say Vicki ODed!
Jeremy Gilbert: Really?
Tyler Lockwood: Yeah man. They found a needle hole the size of a wooden stake right through her heart.
Jeremy Gilbert: Damn, that’s hardcore.
Uncle John Gilbert: So, fellow members of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, I fear I must report that the local blood bank had been raided, and numerous hikers and campers have gone missing. Those found have had their throats torn out, and been drained of blood. I fear there are vampires in your midst!
Mayor Lockwood: Is an adult in a teen horror series, and thus doesn’t believe him.
Alaric Saltzman: Hey Elena! Check out this history paper your brother wrote. It’s about vampires!
Elena Gilbert: What? But how could he know? I’ve done everything possible to protect him from this terrible knowledge! Like having Damon loooook into his eyyyyyyyyyyes </dracula> and burry his vampire ex-girlfriend’s body in a shallow grave and everything!
Aunt Jenna: Hey Uncle John! You’re a dick!
Jeremy Gilbert: Dude, why does she hate you so much?
Uncle John Gilbert: I never told her the Gilbert Family Secret: we’re vampire hunters! Also: we used to sleep together.
Aunt Jenna: Hey!
Elena Gilbert: I’m worried about my brother! And I’m tired of all these secrets!
Stefan Salvatore: Have you thought about telling him the truth?
Elena Gilbert: What? That’s crazy talk! Anyway: smooch!
Stefan Salvatore: Grr! Arg! Ugh!
Elena Gilbert: What’s wrong?
Stefan Salvatore: My… fangs… are popping… out.
Elena Gilbert: I’m worried about Stefan!
Damon Salvatore: Me too! He’s got a real chance to stop being such a boring dick all the time, and I’m really worried he’s gonna blow it. Hey, nice underwear drawer!
Stefan Salvatore: You know what always helps me get control of myself? Whiskey! Clang!
Elena Gilbert: I’m adopted! Let’s talk about vampires!
Jeremy Gilbert: …?
Stefan Salvatore: I need a drink! Clang!
Momma Donovan: I need a drink! Clang!
Tyler Lockwood: I need a drink! Clang!
Momma Donovan: I need a drink! Clang!
Thomas: Loves these people.
Stefan Salvatore: Hey Elena! Wanna dance!
Elena Gilbert: You hate dancing!
Stefan Salvatore: Sober me hates dancing. Drunk me is about to act a fool!
Elena Gilbert: No one else is dancing!
Stefan Salvatore: That’s because this music sucks! Hey DJ: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula> Whoo!
Damon Salvatore: That’s my boy!
Elena Gilbert: You spin me right round baby, right round!
Elena Gilbert: Bumps into some dude on the dance floor.
Some Dude on the Dance Floor: Watch it, you clumsy cow!
Stefan Salvatore: Beer muscle powers activate! Plus, Dracula eyes!
Some Dude on the Dance Floor: I am very very sorry and it will never happen again and I think I wet myself can I go now please don’t eat me.
Stefan Salvatore: See babe! Nothing to worry about when I’m around!
Elena Gilbert: 0_o
Uncle John Gilbert: Hey, did you hear the story about the vampires who got sealed in an underground tomb, and were set free by a vampire named Damon salvatore, who happens to be masquerading as a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council?
Damon Salvatore: Hey, did you hear the story about a guy who tried to threaten a vampire and got his neck snapped, and then got tossed over the balcony?
Jeremy Gilbert: Elena! Tell me the truth! Do you believe this story about Vicki ODing?
Elena Gilbert: What? What do you mean? Of course I do! Nervous laugh.
Jeremy Gilbert: Why won’t you look me in the eyes and say that?
Elena Gilbert: What? That doesn’t mean anything!
Jeremy Gilbert: Yes it does! I watch Lie to Me! And The Mentalist!
Momma Donovan: Awkward sexy time?
Tyler Lockwood: Eh, why not?
Matt Donovan: Dude? What the hell! Facepunch!
Tyler Lockwood: Grr! Reversal! Mount! Facepunch! Facepunch! Facepunch!
Alaric Saltzman: Dude, what the hell’s wrong with you?
Tyler Lockwood: Oh, I don’t know. Must be the full moon or something.
Damon Salvatore: So, do you want to hear the bad news, or the really bad news?
Stefan Salvatore: Nope! Whiskey!
Damon Salvatore: Allow me to rephrase: do you want to hear about how the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council is back in vampire hunting mode, or how I just killed Uncle John Gilbert?
Thomas: Really. Direct quote. <3 Damon.
Momma Donovan: Weep, bleed, weep!
Stefan Salvatore: Why Mrs. Donovan! You combine two of my favorite traits in a woman: emotional dependency and open wounds! FInger lick!
Damon Salvatore: Wow, they sure did hire some hot women to come to this party!
Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Damon! I’m not dead!
Damon Salvatore: …goddammit.
Damon Salvatore: Hey Alaric! Did you notice Uncle John is wearing the same kind of Ring of Not Dying that you are?
Alaric Saltzman: You mean…?
Damon Salvatore: Yep. Pretty sure he was sleeping with your wife, too.
Some Dude on the Dance Floor: Shove! Taunt! Punch!
Stefan Salvatore: Fist grab! Hand crunch! Veiny Eyes!
Some Dude on the Dance Floor: Hey look at the time go to be going what the hell are you please don’t eat me!
Jeremy Gilbert: Rummages through Elena’s room.
Elena Gilbert’s Diary: “Dear Diary, Stefan is a vampire! So is Damon! So was Vicki! But Stefan killed her and Damon took away Jeremy’s memories! So glad that’s over! Hehe! <3 -Elena”
Elena Gilbert: Hey, Some Dude on the Dance Floor was beaten up and is laying on the ground! Sure hope Stefan doesn’t have anything to do with this! Tee hee!
Tyler Lockwood: I’m sorry dad! I don’t know what came over me!
Mayor Lockwood: Oh, it’s okay, son!
Tyler Lockwood: Really?
Mayor Lockwood: Ha, no! Faceslap!
Uncle John Gilbert: Hey guys! I know all about you vampires, and Katherine, and I’m also the one that sent your wife to Damon to get vamped, oh, and I’ve got a kill switch on my computer that will email all of the sexy photos dark secrets I have on you guys to the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council if anything happens to me. Tootles!
Damon Salvatore: …but I, er…
Alaric Saltzman: …but he, wibble…
Elena Gilbert: Hey Jeremy!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, you lying hussy!
Stefan Salvatore: Window creep! Hey, Elena!
Elena Gilbert: Heart attack! Hey babe! What’s up?
Stefan Salvatore: I got Mama Donovan’s blood on my hands, and it freaked me out, and I almost ate a guy, and I think I’m an addict and please please help.
Thomas: Well I’ll be damned. He actually told her.
Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: <3
Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan! We’ve got a problem… … and wow, you look like crap. Tell you what, I’m going to leave this cup of blood sitting here on the table, and head to bed. Later!
Stefan Salvatore: …Clang!
The Plot: Thickens.
