Peter Schink: Reads Baby’s First Screenplay, does a line of coke. Whoo! I wrote a movie!

Scott Stewart: Does a line of coke Whoo! Daddy bought me a video camera! Let’s do this thing!

The Entire Cast: Whatever. We need the paychecks. Does lines of coke.

The Directors: Get it, huh, get it? Los Angeles? The City of Angels?

Thomas: Oh god, this is going to be one of those movies, isn’t it?

The Directors: Yep!

The Archangel Michael: Well, I’ve been following The Big Guy for like six thousand years now, and I know he’s omnipotent and omniscient and not at all fond of it when His angels rebel (cough Satan cough), but I’m pretty sure I know better than Him this time around. I’m going to give Him what He needs, not what He wants!

The Archangel Michael: Rebells against heaven, falls to earth, shows off his magic angel language tattoos, cuts off his wings with his Enocian Vorpal Bowie Knife.

Thomas: Wait, why did he cut his wings off?

The Directors: Dude, angel wing special effects are expensive.

Thomas: Oh god, this is going to be one of those movies, isn’t it?

The Directors: Yep!

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, I know you probably thought it was creepy, the way I had a photograph of a woman from a hundred and forty years ago that looks exactly like you, who also happens to be a vampire, and also also happens to be the vampire that made me into a stud vampire, but if you just come back I can totally mind whammy you explain everything.

Shadowy Figure of Mystery: lurks in the middle of the road

Elena Gilbert: smack! car flip! head trauma!

Shadowy Figure of Mystery: Well that was momentarily inconvenient. stalks hungrily

Elena Gilbert: Aieeeee!

Shadowy Figure of Mystery: runs away

Damon Salvatore: knight in tarnished armor powers activate!

Alaric Saltzman: writes emo in his journal on his computer, dons a sweater that looks oddly like the one worn by the Shadowy Figure of Mystery, and flashes back to happier times when his wife wasn’t missing or dead or a Republican or whatever her trauma is.

Damon Salvatore: Road trip!

Elena Gilbert: WTF? Where are we?

Damon Salvatore: Georgia!

Elena Gilbert: WTF? OMG I was in a car wreck and I hit a guy except he wasn’t a guy he was like immortal or something and that surprises me even though I’m riding in a car with a vampire and no one knows where I am and I lost my cell phone and I need my cell phone because I’m a teenage girl and it’s like a law or something and OMG and emo and stop the car now please!

Damon Salvatore: Wow. You were way more fun when you were unconscious.

Elena Gilbert: pout

Damon Salvatore: Hey, is that a bare neck where your magic anti-mind-whammy necklace used to be? You know, I could totally make you more… agreeable… right now.

Damon Salvatore: is able to consistently out-creeper Edward Cullen

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: rings

Elena Gilbert: Hey that’s my phone gimme gimme gimme!

Damon Salvatore: Sure, here you go. It’s Stephan.

Elena Gilbert: Never mind, you keep it. sulk

Damon Salvatore: smirk

Stefan Salvatore: phone smash!

Elena Gilbert: Really, I want to go home now.

Damon Salvatore: Come on, babe! Live a little! There’s this great BBQ joint right outside of Atlanta.

Elena Gilbert: Can I trust you not to mind-whammy me?

Damon Salvatore: innocent whistle

Alaric Saltzman: Oh noes, I have lost my magic ring of not exploding in the sunlight! Yet I am walking around in the sunlight! Perhaps the guy who was not a vampire in the books is not a vampire in the series, either!

Fans of the Books: put down their torches and pitchforks. but keep them close by

Stefan Salvatore: So, awkward attempt at small talk aside, can you use your witch-powers to make sure my girlfriend isn’t being eaten by my psycho brother?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch!

Thomas: God, that girl is annoying.

Bonnie Bennet: Wait, my powers aren’t working! I’m not a witch!

Thomas: Oh please, please let this be true. (hint: it isn’t)

Elena Gilbert: You brought me to a bar? In Georgia?

Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: Damon? Smooch! Shots all around! Also, like every African-American woman on the show, I’m a witch!

Thomas: expletive deleted

Jeremy Gilbert and Anna No-Last-Name: meet cute

Cute Young Murder Victim Clock: starts ticking

Bonnie Bennet: Help help help my brain powers are gone!

Grandma Bennet: Oh honey, you’re just blocked up. You need to clear yourself out.

Bonnie Bennet: You mean, like a bran muffin?

Damon Salvatore: So, can you help me break into Katherine’s tomb?

Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: Sorry, babe, that tomb is sealed up for time and eternity, no way to get in, and no way to get out.

Bonnie Bennet: takes a walk through the woods, falls down a mine shaft and into Katherine’s tomb

Thomas: head. desk.

Elena Gilbert: So, if I’m related to Katherine, does that make me part vampire?

Damon Salvatore: No, vampires can’t procreate. But we love to try.

Thomas: Best. Quote. Ever.

Damon Salvatore: By the way, I can totally eat pickles, because blood makes my body work pretty much like a living human’s. </interesting-mythology-moment>

Elena Gilbert: makes a whiskey face when she drinks beer

Stefan Salvatore: rescues Bonnie

Bonnie Bennet: I’m alive!

Thomas: Yeah, yeah, we know. grumble

Elena Gilbert: Whoo I am the queen of shots whoo! One more round!

Damon Salvatore: 0_o

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: wanders casually into the bar

Elena Gilbert: Whoo I am the queen of pool whoo!

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: kidnap!

Damon Salvatore: search!

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: ambush! You killed my girlfriend, who the readers may know as Lexi, Stephan’s hot naked friend from out of town!

Elena Gilbert: No, please, do not hurt the lying, murdering, evil psychopath with the wind-blown hair and soulful eyes!

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: Very well, human girl I’ve known for all of twenty seconds, you have changed my mind! Vengeance is for… vengeful… people. Away!

Damon Salvatore: So, Bree, about that guy you brought in to kill me…

Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: So, um, I can totally help you get your psycho ex out of her tomb if you’ll just let me live oh and I spiked my drink with anti-vampire pot so you can’t eat me!

Damon Salvatore: Duly noted. rips her heart out of her chest. literally

Thomas: standing ovation

Elena Gilbert: So, about this crazy vampire chick that looks exactly like me and that you’re probably thinking about when we’re wink wink-ing and nudge nudge-ing…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, did I mention how I was there the day your parents died, and I’m the one who pulled you out of the car, and how I tried to save your parents, too, but I was too late? And then I went all Edward Cullen on you to make sure you weren’t really my psycho vampire ex come back from the un-un-dead?

Elena Gilbert: Then why do I look so much like her?

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, you didn’t know? You were adopted. Surprise!

Elena Gilbert: weep

Stefan Salvatore: comfort

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: smooch!

Flashback time!

Damon Salvatore: snacks on Alaric Saltzman’s wife

Alaric Saltzman: looks on in impotent rage

The Plot: thickens

Spoilers abound, be ye wary

The War: tears a hole in the sky.

Society: doesn’t deal with this so well.

Denzel Washington: dresses in a camo NBC suit, uses a human corpse as bait, snipes a cat with a longbow, steals the boots of a(nother) corpse, feeds a rat, does his devotionals, and rocks out to his iPod. As holy men are wont to do.

Skanky Post Apocalyptic Ho: Help me, oh help me, my shopping cart hath lost its wheel!

Denzel Washington: sniff, sniff Is that a roving band of thugs I smell?

Roving Band of Thugs: Uh, no?

Denzel Washington: steps into the shadows. Come get some.

God: Psst, Denzel… Thrust, dodge, swipe, parry, duck, slice, cut!

The Battle: is fought in silhouette.

Roving Band of Thugs: die.

Thomas: That. Was. Awesome.

King Thug of Gangster Mountain: You cut off my hand. sadface

Denzel Washington: prays for him, stabs him in the gut. As holy men are wont to do.

Skanky Post Apocalyptic Ho: Um, want so company?

Denzel Washington: I’m thinking no.

Ticket $10.00

Nachos and a Medium Diet Soda: $11.75

Three Hours of Twelve Foot Tall Blue Cat People: $500 Million

Another “White Guy Saves The Noble Savages” Movie: Priceless

Unnamed Yakuza Lackey: Hey, boss, this envelope just came for you.

Unnamed Yakuza Boss: Who’s it from?

Unnamed Yakuza Lackey: Ozunu Clan House of Wanton Slaughter and Dumplings.

Old Tattoo Artist Guy: Asian swear words

Ninjas: appear

Gigabytes and Gigabytes of blood: spurt

Everyone: dies

Aunt Jenna: Look, (Probably a Vampire) Logan, I just told Hot New English Teacher Guy that he couldn’t come inside tonight, and there’s no way I’m inviting you in, either.

Thomas: You tell him, Jenna. Or at least keep him distracted while I move Logan’s name off of my “characters that are dead, and thus irrelevant” list.

Logan Fell: Oh, come on, we both know you have no self esteem, and you’ll do what any reasonably attractive guy tells you to do.

Aunt Jenna: So, insults? Not a turn on, as such. door slam!

Logan Fell: Curses! Fortunately, there’s an old man…er, a nubile young jogger, upon whom to quench my insatiable thirst! fangs!

Nubile Young Jogger: dies

Jeremy Gilbert: reads his grandfather’s worn old journal filled with emo poetry, occult symbols, and drawings of monsters. This inspires him to break out his sketch book, also filled with drawings of monsters. Well, at least The Count, from Sesame Street.

Annoyingly Happy Music: starts playing

The Director: would like to remind you that Elena is hot.

Aunt Jenna: So, what’s up with your hot boyfriend?

Elena Gilbert: He’s leaving town, and I stopped asking him questions. His answers are scary.

Thomas: Odds that this statement comes up when Elena inevitably starts sleeping with Stefan? Very high.

Aunt Jenna: Oh, by the way, Logan dropped by. Don’t invite him in, he’ll eat you.

Damon Salvatore: So, brother, where are we headed?

Stefan Salvatore: I am getting as far away from your best-friend murdering, Uncle’s neck snapping, teenager-eating, evil ass as possible.

Damon Salvatore: sadface

Sheriff Forbes: Hi, boys! So, that vampire you killed? Not the only one. Someone got themselves eaten last night. Help us help us we’re weak and afraid please help?

Damon Salvatore: WTF?

Stefan Salvatore: WTF?

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: flirt flirtatiously

Tyler Lockwood: looks on grumpily

Bonnie Bennet: So, I’m sort of grateful to Stefan, for saving my life and all.

Elena Gilbert: Yeah, well, I’ll pass that along, if I ever see him again, which I won’t because he doesn’t love me and he’s leaving town and oh emo.

Bonnie Bennet: Thank God, I hated that freak!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: You said no more killing!

Damon Salvatore: Bro, chill! It wasn’t me. Though the presence of another vampire does conveniently rule out your plan to skip town, doesn’t it?

Random Blond Chick We’ll Never See Again: walks across the school yard with Elena, to make it seem like there are more than ten people in Mystic Falls.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Elena! Just dropped by to squeeze your wounded heart a little. Also, new vampire in town, get home before dark. Tootles!

Damon Salvatore: gets Caroline Forbes to use the Magic Vampire Compass to track the Evil Careless Jogger Eater, then Dracula-eyes her into leaving, because she’s vapid and annoying. So, mostly what I’m saying is that I’m a fan of Damon.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you know what’s better than picking a lock? Ripping the door off the hinges.

Logan Fell: So, thanks for turning me into a vampire. Jerk. gunshots!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, totally wasn’t me. I don’t even like you. No way I want to spend eternity with you. Also: real nice, leaving that body lying around.

Logan Fell: What? I got tired! I’ve been careful with the rest. Look, I hid them in the back of this warehouse, right over there, in plain sight.

Damon Salvatore: facepalm

Mystic Falls High School: Welcome to Career Day! Your options include: Sports Star, Joining the Military, or Being Stuck in This Lame Town Forever, Cursing the Day You Were Born. Choose carefully!

Elena Gilbert, Matt Donovan, Stefan Salvatore, and Caroline Forbes: are doing their best to form an It Was All Just A Big Mistake Love Rectangle. This thing is more complicated than Voltron.

Logan Fell: So, I’m all emo now, and I want to know how you can walk in the sun when I can’t, because that’s not in the journals we Watchers all pass around, and also, more gunshots!

Damon Salvatore: Ouch.

Stefan Salvatore: So, speaking of career fairs, I have a lot of interests that I’m only going to mention vaguely, so that the writers don’t have to think of them.

Elena Gilbert: But you didn’t love anything enough to stick with it?

Thomas: Oh, burn.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, no, I loved it all, but I have to skip town before anyone can notice I’m not getting any older.

Elena Gilbert: So you always ditch after a little while?

Stefan Salvatore: Haha, yeah, I’m never in one place for very long.

Thomas: Bro, subtext. The girl is not talking about your career!

Stefan Salvatore: So, what are your plans?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, you know, growing old, becoming a withered husk, dying alone and miserable.

Aunt Jenna: Hey guys! Logan’s here!

Stefan Salvatore: Huh, that’s odd, what with him being dead and all. Elena, why don’t you take your Aunt out for ice cream while I kill the nice vampire.

Logan Fell: I wanna walk in the day! Tell me how, or I’ll expose you on TV,

Stefan Salvatore: Son, I was eating people before you were in diapers. Step off.

Elena Gilbert: So, this is going to sound strange, but don’t ever talk to Logan again. For serious. If you do, you’re totally grounded.

Aunt Jenna: But I’m twenty!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi, hot girl I met at the bar!

Elena Gilbert: Good! Talk to this guy! There’s nothing odd or creepy about him at all!

Aunt Jenna: Okay!

Damon Salvatore: So, Logan’s the vampire, I got shot, and I’m angry. Also, shirtless.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: squee!

Jacob “Abs” Black: I did that first.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: squee!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Caroline Forbes: I’m totally into broadcast journalism now, even though I’ve never shown even the slightest interest before this very moment! And I totally need a ride home! If only a dashing broadcast journalist would drive by and offer me a ride! Also, it’s been a real long time since a vampire has snacked on me…

Logan Fell: Hey, Caroline! Would you like a ride home from a dashing broadcast journalist?

Caroline Forbes: Boy, would I!

Thomas: facepalm

Logan Fell: smashes Caroline’s head against the window, leaving a bloody smear.

Thomas: did not see that coming.

Caroline Forbes: is apparently this town’s Designated Donor, now that Vicki’s dead.

Mayor Lockwood: tries to start his own little Fight Club, with his son Logan and Jeremy Gilbert.

Alaric Saltzman: So, this is totally not cool, bro.

Mayor Lockwood: Do I look like one of your students?

Alaric Saltzman: No, you look like a full-grown, alpha-male douche bag.

Thomas: is now a member of Team Alaric.

Thomas: is now also a member of Team Alaric Needs to Change His Name to Something Less Gay.

Logan Fell: So Sheriff, thanks for leaving me to get eaten and vamped. Your daughter is about to join me! </cell-phone>

Stefan Salvatore: emo newborn vampire interrupting powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: gunshots!

Stefan Salvatore: innocent young girl taking away powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: So, who turned you?

Logan Fell: No idea, but I can totally help you get into the tomb where your psycho evil vampire ex girlfriend is trapped.

Damon Salvatore: Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Tyler Lockwood: punches out Jeremy Gilbert

Jeremy Gilbert: What is your problem, man?

Tyler Lockwood: I don’t know!

The Full Moon: hangs conspicuously in the background

Stefan Salvatore: I have to leave! I’m doing it for your own good!

Elena Gilbert: Screw that! You don’t get to make my decisions for me!

Bella Swan: I know what all of those words mean, but when you put them together in that order, they stop making sense…

Elena Gilbert: I love you, Stefan! passionate kiss!

Stefan Salvatore: I love you, Elena! fangs! shame!

Elena Gilbert: Don’t hide from me! I think your bloodshot, veiny eyes are hot!

Stefan Salvatore: Score!

Elena Gilbert: Tasteful almost-nudity now?

Stefan Salvatore: Yes please.

Edward Cullen: This is not appropriate!

Stefan Salvatore: You know, he’s right.

The Screen: fades appropriately to black

Logan Fell: stalks from his secret warehouse hideout

A Mysterious Crashing Noise: crashes mysteriously

Alaric Saltzman: appears suddenly

Logan Fell: fangs!

Alaric Saltzman: stake!

Thomas: moves Logan back to the “characters that are dead, and thus irrelevant” list

Team Alaric: confirmed

Stefan Salvatore: So, now that you’re appropriately wearing my shirt, are you thirsty?

Elena Gilbert: Kinda. You? Oh, nevermind. neck cover

Stefan Salvatore: Well, I’m going to go get you something to drink. Why don’t you look around at all my stuff. The photo of the girl I’m obsessed with, that looks exactly freaking like you, is on the desk. See you in a minute!

Elena Gilbert: OMG! This photo of the girl Stefan is obsessed with looks exactly freaking like me! storms off

Sheriff Forbes: Hey Damon, we found Logan’s body. Thanks!

Damon Salvatore: WTF? sadface

Stefan Salvatore: finds the locket he gave Elena sitting on top of Katherine’s picture

Stefan Salvatore: Well that didn’t go how I expected.

Elena Gilbert: drives weepily, runs over a vampire

Mysterious Vampire: cracks his limbs back into place, stalks towards Elena

Elena Gilbert: terrified shriek

The Screen: cuts to black.

The Vampire Diaries: is on hiatus for the next eight weeks

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: anguished cry

Bonnie Bennet: sees the Ghost of Emily Bennet wandering through her school, and gets up to follow her.

Bonnie’s Math Teacher: is totally okay with this

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, um, how did we end up in a cemetery in the middle of the woods, near the ruins of the Salvatore homestead?

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: This is where it all started, and this is where it has to end. And if you don’t help me, I’m totally going to go all Samara Morgan on you.

Bonnie Bennet: wakes up; the romp through the woods was just a dream. No, wait! Waking up in math class was just a dream! Bonnie wakes up in the woods. For real this time.

Thomas: is confused. And slightly bored. Can Damon eat somebody now, please?

Annoying History Teacher: has been replaced by Alaric Saltzman, who is approximately six months older than the kids he’s teaching. He probably has a triple Doctorate.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan, sorry I killed your hot friend from out of town last episode. I brought you Starbucks, we cool?

Alaric Saltzman: So Jeremy, Annoying History Teacher left me a Jackass File, of which you were the primary topic. Also, you have no hope of passing. Want to do some extra credit?

Jeremy Gilbert: Boy do I!

Alaric Saltzman: Sweet. Why don’t you go write me a history paper about vampires in Mystic Falls? Also: how do you like my Magic Don’t Explode in the Sunlight ring?

Matt Donovan: Hey. chin nod

Caroline Forbes: Hey? Hey! Is that the best you can do? We spent the night together! We cuddled! And I’m not letting guys walk all over me any more! (Unless they can do that whole Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes</dracula> thing. That kind of sucks.)

Matt Donovan: So, drama queen much?

Stefan Salvatore: So, I took your advice and didn’t murder my brother. Also, I’m not coming to school any more, and we totally can’t see each other.

Elena Gilbert: lip-tremble, grr

Stefan Salvatore: You’re mad. Good. It’ll be easier if you hate me.

Elena Gilbert: wants him even more now

Damon Salvatore: Hey Bonnie, have I shown you my sexy-but-creepy, helpful-but-threatening routine? It’s epic. Also, gimme my necklace!

Elena Gilbert: So what are you going to do about this necklace?

Bonnie Bennet: throws the necklace into the woods

Elena Gilbert: Well okay then.

Aunt Jenna: Wow, the hot new history teacher is hot.

Jeremy Gilbert: I can introduce you, we’re old buddies.

Aunt Jenna: Nah, that’s okay, every guy I date ends up getting eaten by vampires, and I’d like to keep him around for a few episodes.

Elena Gilbert: So what’s Damon want with this necklace?

Stefan Salvatore: I’ll get it out of him. goes looking for implements of torture

Stefan Salvatore: So, the bottle?

Damon Salvatore: Look, I can either drink blood, or tequila. You pick.

Stefan Salvatore: One more round, then?

Caroline Forbes: So I decided you can keep the Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom.

Bonnie Bennet: Aw, thanks, Caroline! BTW, I threw it into the woods this afternoon.

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: I’m baaaaaaaack! dun dun dun!

Bonnie Bennet: So, I’m a witch.

Caroline Forbes: Wow, you got that right!

Bonnie Bennet: No, the other kind of witch! The one that’s Psychic, and can start fires with her brain!

Aunt Jenna: Well, looks like Jeremy totally ditched me.

Alaric Saltzman: That hardly seems like him…

Jeremy Gilbert: Help! I’ve been struck over the head, bound, gagged, and placed in my Aunt Jenna’s trunk!</muffled-cry-for-help>

Aunt Jenna: So, wanna hook up?

Alaric Saltzman: No, let’s have an awkward conversation about our failed romantic exploits first.

Aunt Jenna: That’s a great idea! I left town because my boyfriend cheated on me. Then he got eaten by vampires!

Alaric Saltzman: Bummer. My wife got murdered, and the case was never solved. But I’m totally not the guy who did it.

Aunt Jenna: Well okay then. Do you watch sports?

Caroline Forbes: So I totally don’t believe in the supernatural, despite the fact that my short-term boyrfriend and current stalker is a vampire, but let’s do a seance anyway, and see what The Ghost of Emily Bennet wants.

Thomas: This is bound to end well.

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: flame geyser, window slam, power out!

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: vanishes

Vampire Football: gets played

Stefan and Damon Salvatore: lay in the grass, gazing up at the stars

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Seriously, guys, just kiss already.

Stefan Salvatore: So, about the Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom…?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, no biggie, just going to use it to resurrect the vampire that sired us, and drove us apart. And who happens to look exactly like Elena. And was probably the epitome of evil and insanity.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, okay then.

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: Hey, Bonnie, here I am, laying on the bathroom rug… why don’t you come and pick me up?

Bonnie Bennet: Okay! doors slam, lights flicker

Elena Gilbert and Caroline Forbes: Oh my God, are you okay?

Bonnie Bennet: Yep, perfectly fine, and totally not possessed by the Ghost of Emily Bennet, why would you ask that?

Damon Salvatore: So, long story short, Katherine isn’t dead, she was sealed up inside a tomb by Pre-Ghost Emily Bennet’s magic. There was that whole thing with the comet, and the crystal, and blah blah blah, I’m going to get Bonnie to release her somehow. Also, Katherine hasn’t eaten in a hundred and fifty years… how do you think she’s feeling right about now?

Stefan Salvatore: Huh. I see nothing wrong with this plan whatsoever.

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: I’m off to Fell’s Church to destroy the crystal!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, The Ghost of Emily Bennet is off to Fell’s Church to destroy the crystal!

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, The Ghost of… hey, where did you go?

Damon Salvatore: Gimme the crystal!

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: I can throw vampires with my brain!

Damon Salvatore: Wow, being impaled on a tree branch kind of sucks.

Alaric Saltzman and Aunt Jenna: trade “I’m so pathetic” stories. Alaric stands outside the door, pining like a puppy, waiting for Aunt Jenna to invite him in.

Aunt Jenna: Sorry, no invite for you. Kids in my care, and all.

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, come on, you aren’t any older than we are.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty!

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: So, I not only entombed Katherine, but twenty-seven other vampires, and if we set them free, they’ll pretty much eat the entire town.

Damon Salvatore: I’m cool with that.

Stefan Salvatore: Me, not so much.

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: Me, either. Kick-ass flaming pentagram powers activate!

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: goes boom

Damon Salvatore: Noooooooo!</vader>

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: de-possesses Bonnie.

Damon Salvatore: eats Bonnie anyway

Stefan Salvatore: It’s okay, I can save her with my blood!

Elena Gilbert: I cannot believe you just swapped fluids with my best fiend.

Matt Donovan: So, Caroline, I just dropped by to tell you that I don’t like you, but when we… cuddled… the other night… well, it made me… happy… and… I like being happy… and…

Thomas: facepalm

Damon Salvatore: mopes, decides to leave town

Bonnie Bennet: freaks out, hides in the car

Elena Gilbert: totally wants to bang Stefan

Stefan Salvatore: totally gets off on playing hard to get

The Closing Montage: Consists of mopey, weepy vampires and mopey, weepy high school girls.

Logan Fell: Hey, Aunt Jenna, I’m back from the dead. Aren’t you going to invite me in?

The Plot: thickens

Stefan Salvatore: slumbers peacefully in his study, when he awakes to a ghostly, echoing voice, a mysteriously open window, and a shadowy figure flighting through his house, Menacingly.

The Shadowy Figure: bum rushes Stefan, takes him to the ground, and mounts him.

Stefan Salvatore: oh, hey babe.

Lexi: Surprise birthday tackle!

Stefan Salvatore and Lexi: are apparently having a tickle fight, and reminiscing about the weekend they partied with Bon Jovi. They also mention that the Magic Don’t Make Me Explode in the Sunlight rings are apparently keyed to a single owner, and that Damon is a canine of female persuasion.

Sheriff Forbes: So, anyone know where Vicki went off to?

Everyone in Mystic Falls: Hey, have you seen our impersonation of a stone wall? It’s really good!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, people get hurt and die around you, and that-

Bella Swan: -is so hot, am I right?

Elena Gilbert: Um, no, I was going for “creepy, dangerous, and wrong,” but whatever turns your crank.

Damon Salvatore: Why don’t you want to sleep with me like all the other girls?

Lexi: Um, have you met you? You’re a jerk.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, come on. goes in for the kiss

Lexi: throat grab! Bad touch. Do. Not. Want.

Thomas: Lexi: my new favorite vampire.

Bonnie and Grandma Bennet: blah blah blah, witches are awesome, and this ugly amulet is going to be Very Important in a latter episode. Also, I’m still psychic.

Aunt Jenna: looks twelve again.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty!

Thomas: Whatever.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, could you guys complain about boys a little quieter? I’m trying to study over here.

Elena Gilbert and Aunt Jenna: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Hey, here’s a stash of anti-vampire pot.

Sheriff Forbes: Awesome! Let me tell you everything I know about the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council!

Bonnie Bennet: Are you going to stay in bed all day?

Elena Gilbert: Yep.

Bonnie Bennet: Well then I’m getting into bed with you.

Thomas: I will never understand how this doesn’t squick girls out.

Tens of Men Around the Nation: Hey, are they gonna…?

Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: No.

Elena Gilbert: So, can you help take my mind off the fact that I broke up with Stefan?

Bonnie Bennet: Sure. Look, I can float feathers with my brain!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, your supernatural tendencies are way less freaky than my blood-drinking ex boyfriend’s.

Caroline Forbes: appears to have forgotten her pants.

Caroline Forbes: Damon, you’re a jerk and a meanie and you hurt me and I’m not going to –

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Caroline Forbes: Oh my gosh Damon it’s so good to see you where have you been can we make out now?

Damon Salvatore: So, party tonight, everyone is invited, especially the chick that stole my amulet, and the person I’m going to frame for all of the murders I committed these last few weeks.

Lexi: Stefan, seriously, just jump in the sack with the girl.

Stefan Salvatore: What, are you kidding? We’re going to drag this our for as many seasons as possible.

Lexi: Why?

Stefan Salvatore: Did you ever watch Moonlighting?

Lexi: Okay, good point. drinks blood from her sippy cup

Damon Salvatore: So, who wants to go to the conveniently timed party tonight?

Lexi: That’s a great idea! I bet showing up to a party with a hot girl from out of town roughly fifteen minutes after you broke up with Elena won’t be awkward at all!

Elena Gilbert: Um, hi… who are you, and why are you naked?

Lexi: I’m Lexi, Stefan’s hot friend from out of town! I just got out of the shower. You know, the shower Stefan is in right now. Also, holy crap you look just like Katherine, Stefan what the hell is wrong with you you have serious emotional issues you freak.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, I just dropped by to tell you that I’m not sleeping with the naked girl, and to let you know I’m here for you if you ever need to talk about anything. Also: you totally broke up with me on my birthday. Tootles!

Caroline Forbes: Gimme the crystal! grabs, gets shocked

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my jewelry!

Girl: Did you hear that?

Boy: Less talk, more nookie.

Damon Salvatore: eats the boy

Girl: screams

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, Jeremy’s been acting all weird since you mind-whammied him. He’s studying, he’s not moping around anymore, he’s not doing drugs…

Damon Salvatore: And you’re complaining about this because…

Lexi: Hey, did I ever tell you how I loved a human guy and even though we went through a lot of stormy weather what with me being an immortal blood sucking fiend love conquers all and you should totally hook up with Stefan because he has great cheekbones? slams three shots of tequila

Elena Gilbert: Well okay then.

Stefan Salvatore: Girls make the best wingmen.

Caroline Forbes: Matt you’re so nice do you think I’m shallow I don’t want to be shallow I want to be deep like the abyss hey are those curly fries?

Thomas: God drunk girls can be annoying.

Sheriff Forbes: Who did this to you?

Girl Damon told me to tell you that it was the hot blond chick from out of town.

Sheriff Forbes: Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, assemble! We’ve got a blond to kill!

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: shoots Lexi up with some anti-vampire pot water.

Lexi: fangs!

Damon Salvatore: stake!

Thomas: totally saw that coming.

Stefan Salvatore: totally saw that happen.

Stefan Salvatore: This was the last straw! I have to kill Damon! And by “kill,” I mean injure slightly, and piss off royally!

Bonnie Bennet: I have scary psychic sleepwalking dreams in my brain!

Thomas: That’s nice, sweetheart.

Tyler Lockwood: is leaving the school at roughly two o’clock in the morning, for some reason.

Vicki Donovan: Hey baby, wanna neck?

Tyler Lockwood: Score!

Vicki Donovan: fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: fang block!

Vicki Donovan: sadface

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Tyler Lockwood: gets all fuzzy in the head, and then gets tossed across the parking lot.

Vicki Donovan: Hey bro, just wanted to call and let you know that I can’t tell you where I am or why I ran away, but everything is peachy keen okay, so don’t worry about me. Bye!

Matt Donovan: Well, that cryptic, forced sounding call has assuaged all my fears, and I will no longer worry about the possibility that my kid sister has become one of the undead. Time for math class!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, there’s nothing in the newspaper about that Logan guy I ate last night. WTF?

Stefan Salvatore: Famewhore.

Vicki Donovan: So, can we eat someone now?

Stefan Salvatore: No! That would be wrong, and immoral, and blah blah blah I’m such a drag!

Damon Salvatore: Don’t listen to him, he was like a nun in a past life or something. Of course we can eat someone.

Stefan Salvatore: Murder is wrong!

Damon Salvatore: We’ll just take a sip.

Stefan Salvatore: She’ll lose control!

Damon Salvatore: Man I hope so.

Stefan Salvatore: It isn’t right!

Damon Salvatore: I’m way hotter than you.

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what?

Vicki Donovan: He wins. Let’s go snack on a villager or something.

Stefan Salvatore: No people food! Here, have some Bambi-juice.

Vicki Donovan: pouts

Elena Gilbert: How can you be so arrogant and glib?

Damon Salvatore: I have great cheekbones.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Also, calling a vampire arrogant and glib? Poor life decision.

Elena Gilbert: If you wanted me dead, I would be. But I’m not.

Damon Salvatore: Yet.

Elena Gilbert: gulp

Elena Gilbert: So, the entire town is out looking for Vicki. We’re getting uncomfortably close to the “pitchforks and torches” part of the plot.

Stefan Salvatore: Well, see, Vicki is an emotionally troubled drug addict with a newfound penchant for violent throat dissection. I think I should keep her here for a while.

Vicki Donovan: But I wanna go out and play!

Elena Gilbert: Hey Vicki, how are ya?

Vicki Donovan: Dead, you?

Elena Gilbert: awkward…

Bonnie Bennet: So, were our ancestors burned at the stake in Salem?

Grandma Bennet: No, they were smart enough to ditch when they started those shenanigans. But it’s important that we stay hidden.

Bonnie Bennet: You teach a class on the occult at the local college.

Grandma Bennet: Yeah, and?

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: So, we screwed up last episode’s vampire hunt, huh? Man, if that vampire finds us, we are so screwed.

Damon Salvatore: whistles innocently

Caroline Forbes: Hey Bonnie, I got you a costume!

Bonnie Bennet: A witch? You want the girl who starts fires with her brain to dress up like a witch?

Caroline Forbes: Yep! Also, here’s that magic amulet that Damon will probably kill you to get back. It looks fantastic with your skin tone!

Stefan Salvatore: Caffeine is our friend. It circulates through our veins, and warms us, so we aren’t so cold to the touch.

Thomas: Are you freaking kidding me? Starbucks is one of the signs of vampirism now?

Elena Gilbert: So, I was thinking you shouldn’t see Jeremy any more, you know, since you kind of look at him like a snack box now.

Vicki Donovan: throat grab!

Elena Gilbert: gurgle!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you’ve been cooped up in this house all day. Wanna go outside for a bit!

Vicki Donovan: Wow, do I!

Stefan Salvatore: But she might run away! And then eat somebody!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, come on, what are the odds?

Vicki Donovan: runs away

Damon Salvatore: Huh. My bad.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you’re a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, right?

A Member Of The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: What? No!

Damon Salvatore: <whisper>I can score you some anti-vampire pot…</whisper>

The Plot: thickens

Tonight: is Halloween.

Elena Gilbert: is a sexy nurse.

Matt Donovan: is a bloody doctor.

Jeremy Gilbert: is a stoner. With his hood up.

Vicki Donovan: is a vampire.

Thomas: sees what you did there.

Vicki Donovan: So… many… tasty… teenagers…

Stefan Salvatore: No people food!

Vicki Donovan: pouts

Damon Salvatore: flirts

A Member Of The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: giggles drunkenly

Information: pours out like water

Damon Salvatore: Hey, my necklace! gimme!

Bonnie Bennet: No way, creeper!

Damon Salvatore: grabs the necklace, and gets burned for his trouble.

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my jewelry!

Vicki Donovan: tries to feed on Jeremy, then grabs Elena, and latches onto her neck like a… neck… latching… thing.

Stefan Salvatore: No one eats my woman! six foot wooden stake!

Vicki Donovan: is significantly more corpse-like with a giant piece of wood though the heart.

Thomas: did not see that coming.

Stefan Salvatore: So, Damon, you know how they say friends help you move, and best friends help you move bodies? Well, a funny thing happened at the Halloween party tonight…

Elena Gilbert: You jerk! You did this to her! People keep dying around you! slap!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, so, you might not have noticed, but, one, I’m evil, and two, you’re bleeding profusely from several major lacerations. It might be a good idea to make like a tree and get away from the evil, angry, hungry vampire with great hair.

Jeremy Gilbert: sobs

Elena Gilbert: commiserates

Stefan Salvatore: wants to help

Elena Gilbert: Can you erase his memory?

Stefan Salvatore: I don’t think I’m strong enough.

Damon Salvatore: I’ll do it.

Everyone: Wait, what?

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, I wish I knew how to quit you.

Producer: Okay, Boring Vampire…

Paul Wesley: …Jerk.

Producer: What was that? Oh, never mind, your opinion is kind of irrelevant anyway. So, Boring Vampire, why don’t you stroke Nina’s hair. Yeah, pretend it’s Evil Vampire’s. Whatever. Now, Evil Vampire…

Ian Somerhalder: What, should I lick her again?

Producer: No, good idea, because it was mine, but we’ve done that already. Instead, why don’t you grab her throat, like you’re going to throttle the life out of her. Sweet. Now, Elena, try to look…

Producer: Never mind, you seem to have it under control.

Elena Gilbert: Dear diary, I think my boyfriend is a blood sucking monster. former cheerleader confrontation powers activate!

Flashback! Stefan is dressed all funny, and the cars have been replaced by these odd, horse-drawn things. We’re back in the 1800’s! Also: Katherine!

Stefan Salvatore: makes doe eyes.

Flash forward!: We’re back in the Aught Nines!

Elena Gilbert: So, Stefan, anything you want to tell me about? Like, how did you do on the chemistry test, how’s football going, oh, and are you a freaking vampire?

Stefan Salvatore: Everything you know, and every belief you have, is about to change. Are you ready or that?

Thomas: thinks that’s one of the coolest premises for a story, ever. Vampires or no.

Stefan Salvatore: So, yeah, vampire.

Elena Gilbert: Okay then. Well, time to be going! runs away

Stefan Salvatore: does that horror movie thing where the Survivor Girl is running away, but suddenly the Monster is Right There OMG! This is guaranteed to sooth Elena’s nerves.

Stefan Salvatore: suddenly appears in Elena’s bedroom. He’s apparently taken a couple of correspondence courses from the Edward Cullen School of Creepy Courtship.

Damon Salvatore: finishes draining one of the Generic Stoners from last episode, and drops the body on the ground. Then into the fire. There are plenty of other bodies scattered around, too. Damon was hungry.

Damon Salvatore: (on one of Generic Stoner’s cell phones) So, Stefan, about that ring you stole…

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, I gave it to “Uncle” Zach to hide. Too bad you killed him.

Damon Salvatore: Give me my ring or I eat Elena.

Stefan Salvatore: I kill you!

Damon Salvatore: I kill you!

Stefan Salvatore: Oh yeah? Then how will you get your ring back?

Damon Salvatore: …Dick.

Elena Gilbert: So, I’ve asked you to this sunny, public place so you can explain yourself. And also, not eat me.

Stefan Salvatore: Okay, So, vampire. I can eat food, religious artifacts are nothing but decorations, I have a reflections (see: my awesome hair), I have this sweet ring that keeps me from combusting in the sun, and I eat bunny rabbits to stay alive. Damon eats teenagers, which is why he’s stronger than me.

Damon Salvatore: Ooookay then.

Sheriff Forbes and Logan Fell: examine the bodies Damon “hid” by burning slightly. At covering his tracks, an expert he is not.

Damon Salvatore: Man, being stuck inside all day sucks, and the chick I ate last night isn’t talking due to the loss of blood. Maybe if I heal her with my vampire blood, she can run out and rent a movie or something.

Elena Gilbert: So, here we are, in the middle of nowhere. Please don’t eat me.

Stefan Salvatore: Relax, I just want to show you my old home.

Elena Gilbert: But, there are just ruins. How old are you?

Stefan Salvatore: I’ve been seventeen…

Thomas: If you say “for a while,” we are officially done.

Stefan Salvatore: …Since1864.

Thomas: …I’ll let that pass.

Flashback! Damon’s wearing a derby, and the pre-vampire brothers are playing Rugby. Katherine asks to join in. She steals their ball, and goes running off.

Damon Salvatore: Dude, she totally wants you to chase her! What’s your problem? Don’t you like girls?

Stefan Salvatore: What? Of course I do! He meant nothing! We were just wrestling!

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Vicki Donovan: You know what? I’ve decided that it’s totally cool the way you killed all my friends, and almost killed me. Also, your blood it sweet. Gimme gimme?

Damon Salvatore: fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: So, long story short, Kat did me, then my brother, then she turned out to be a vampire. Then she mind whammied me. Shenanigans ensued, and here we are.

Elena Gilbert: …Please don’t eat me.

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: Uses the stolen Gilbert watch, and a handful of other trinkets, to assemble… something. My money’s on “Vampire Seeking Compass.”

Damon Salvatore and Vicki Donovan: Have a dance party, and trash the boarding house. Also, they take a moment out to indulge in some product placement, but since it’s an iMac, I’ll let it slide.

Vicki Donovan: tells Damon about her messed up family.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, that’s… pathetic. You know what could help that? Death. snaps her freaking neck!

Thomas: Okay, that, I did not see coming.

Vicki Donovan: Ow, why does my neck hurt?

Damon Salvatore: I gave you my blood, then I killed you, now you need to eat someone, and you can be a vampire like me. Yay! Hey, you know who would be a good meal? Elena’s brother. Tell everyone I said “hi!”

Vicki Donovan: Is freaking out, and about to eat someone.

Stefan Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Stefan Salvatore: Take her up to bed. She’s going to be fine. You know, except for the part where she’s dead.

Logan Fell: Wanders through the dark woods and the Menacing fog of Menace with his Vampire Seeking Compass.

Thomas: totally called that one.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena, can I come in? Wait, of course I can, you already invited me. Wow you’re scared, guess Stefan finally fessed up. Speaking of, where is that little ring stealing douche?

Elena Gilbert: Out looking for the girl you sort of killed.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, don’t judge.

Vicki Donovan: Boo hoo, I’m dying. Or about to become immortal. I’m not clear on that yet.

Stefan Salvatore: Here, let me take you home.

Logan Fell: shoots Stefan with his wooden bullets, and goes to stake him.

Vicki Donovan: No!

Damon Salvatore: fangs!

Vicki Donovan: fangs!

Sheriff Forbes: Huh. Maybe splitting up wasn’t such a hot idea, after all.

Elena Gilbert: So, this whole vampire thing is hot and all, and almost getting eaten by your brother is fun, but I think we should see other people.

Stefan Salvatore: sadface

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: sadface