I have a folder of bookmarks in Firefox labeled “Vampire Positions.” It contains research for a story I’m working on, primarily a bunch of web pages on Feudal and Victorian government. Still, every time I see this folder, I stop and ask myself “was I really that hard up for porn? Did I really go looking for the fanged Kama Sutra?”

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, man, what a hangover! It’s like someone jabbed me in the side with a dart filled with anti-vampire pot or something! My head’s all fuzzy! In fact, I’m having a fever dream of…

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, I know how to rescue Katherine from the villagers and the pitchforks and the torches! All we have to do is make a lot of noise until the Original Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council shoots us!

Damon Salvatore: Wait, that doesn’t sound like a very good pl-

The Original Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: Bang.

Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Die.

Elena Gilbert: Oh, but it is ever so hard to see my Stefan locked up like this!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, it’s a tragedy. Wanna see what’s on TV?

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, guess who’s not really dead… this guy! Wait, why am I not dead?

Emily Bennet: Oh, Katherine’s been mind-whammying you into drinking her blood for weeks. You’re a vampire now. Surprise!

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, Damon’s alive! Katherine must have tricked him, too!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, she… tricked me. Yep. That’s how it went.

Elena Gilbert: Figure out what the Original John Gilbert’s gizmo does yet?

Damon Salvatore: So far, it looks like it’s a plot device.

Elena Gilbert: Neat! Is it cool if I crash here again tonight?

Damon Salvatore: If I say “no,” will you do that thing where a girl wonders why you’re rejecting her, and throws herself at you? Because if yes, then no.

Anna: Hey Jeremy! I convinced my mommy to let me come to school, and I mind-whammied the guidance councilor to give me all of the same classes as you!

Jeremy Gilbert: …hot.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro! Brought you some rabbit blood! Drink up!

Stefan Salvatore: I’m sorry, I have like two whole episodes worth of brooding to catch up on. I’ll just be over here in the corner, glowering at the floor and flexing my shoulder muscles.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: …hot.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey Damon! I’ve got a friend who’s a private investigator, and he thinks my vampire wife, who is also Elena’s vampire mother, is in Grove Hills!

Damon Salvatore: That’s nice. Can you not call me please?

Damon Salvatore’s Product Placement Blackberry: Beeps.

Elena Gilbert: Hey Damon! Just putting together some clothes, and I’ll be right over!

Damon Salvatore: That’s great. Hey, Alaric… I changed my mind, come get me the hell out of here. Oh, Elena? Stefan like puppy blood. Big, floppy eared, golden retriever puppy blood. Can you bring some by? Tootles!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Eep! Uncle John! What are you doing here?

Uncle John Gilbert: Oh, just watching you rifle through your underwear drawer. Also: what would your mother think if she knew you were dating a vampire?

Elena Gilbert: Um… would that be the mother who is a vampire, or the mother who never told me I was adopted?

Uncle John Gilbert: …fair point.

Stefan Salvatore: Broods.

Damon Salvatore: Well, Katherine’s dead, our father betrayed us, and the villagers shot us. There’s nothing left to live for, so we might as well kill ourselves before we turn completely into vampires.

Stefan Salvatore: Okay, but first, let’s bathe in the river. Together.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan you have to eat because if you don’t eat you’ll get all dried out and corpsey and then how can I kiss you?

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan I love you and I want you to get better and I even brought you puppy blood please eat!

Stefan Salvatore: Suicidal brood!

Myspace, LiveJournal, Etc: We did that first.

Damon Salvatore: Drama queen.

Uncle John Gilbert: Well Pearl, I know you have no intention of giving me the Original John Gilbert’s Vampire Gizmo, but I don’t think you counted on the power of my wit and charm. Behold… may I buy you a drink?

Pearl: …that’s it?

Anna: …blah blah blah, and they’re all looking for this Vampire Gizmo my mommy gave Damon, and now your uncle wants us all dead.

Jeremy Gilbert: How do you know Uncle John wants you all dead?

Anna: The Welcome to Mystic Falls fruit basket, with a card that says “Hey vampires, I want you all dead! Love, Uncle John Gilbert” was a big clue.

Jeremy Gilbert: You’re hot!

Anna: I’m naked!

Jeremy Gilbert: That’s convenient!

Anna and Jeremy Gilbert: Smootch!

Damon Salvatore: No barrier on the threshold, bunch of blood in the fridge, looks like this place is home to a bunch of-

Henry the Random Vampire: Surprise fang tackle!

Alaric Saltzman: Surprise wooden stake knuckles!

Damon Salvatore: Vampires.

Elena Gilbert: Weep!

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Papa Salvatore: So, about this Watcher’s journal… I was thinking that my sons’ entries would read better as “hapless victims of the Battle of Willow Creek” than “dirty rotten hellbound vampire sympathizers.” What do you guys think?

The Original John Gilbert: Agrees.

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Elena Gilbert: Oh my! Someone went and unlocked this big old dungeon door! Well, I might as well bring in this bottle of blood!

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs! Bottle slap! Intimidate!

Elena Gilbert: Get over yourself, Stefan. I’m not going anywhere. You see this face? This is my serious face. :-{ You know what happens when I put on my serious face.

Stefan Salvatore: Pout! Brood!

Damon Salvatore: So, what’s Uncle John up to these days?

Henry the Random Vampire: Oh, you know. He got me this house, taught me how to use the microwave, he’s having me spy on all of the other vampires so he can either kill them or take over the town or both, told me to separate my whites and my colors, the usual.

Alaric Saltzman: Neat. Oh, by the way: stake!

Henry the Random Vampire: Dies.

Thomas: Still wants to know why Alaric isn’t Team Uncle John Gilbert, and why he’s so buddy-buddy with Damon “I Ate Your Wife Then Vamped Her” Salvatore.

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey, did I ever tell you how much The Original John Gilbert loved you? Wait, did I say “loved?” I meant “regretted not driving a stake through your heart.” My bad.

Pearl: Hey, did I ever tell you that I gave The Original John Gilbert Vampire Gizmo to your best buddy Damon? And that you can rot in hell?

Uncle John Gilbert: Well that’s less than ideal.

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Elena Gilbert: Why are you so broody?

Stefan Salvatore: Well, since you mention it…

Stefan Salvatore: Father, I have come to say goodbye!

Papa Salvatore: Egads! How can this be? I watched you die! After I shot you! For being a dirty vampire sympathizer! Stake!

Stefan Salvatore: Stakeblock! Bloodlust! First time fangs!

Papa Salvatore: That went differently in my head.

Alaric Saltzman: The only woman I ever loved left me without any explanation!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, I know, what with the sleeping with her and the fanging her and all. But I feel your pain. The only woman I ever loved left me without any explanation, too. Beer?

Alaric Saltzman: Mmm. Blood?

Damon Salvatore and Alaric Saltzman: Coming Summer 2010: Bad Boys III: Whatcha Gonna Do When They Fang On You?

Pearl: Hey Anna, is that boyfriend I smell in your hair? Oh, and did I mention that we’re leaving town tonight?

Damon Salvatore: So, Stefan eating yet?

Elena Gilbert: No, he still feels too guilty! And I blame you!

Damon Salvatore: Oh really? Because…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon! I just got back from killing our father, and I brought you a present! It’s a girl! Fangs!

Damon Salvatore: Sip, sip, fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: Brood! (Offscreen)

Elena Gilbert: So, uh, Damon? I may have accidentally left Stefan’s cage open, and he may have kind of wandered away without his Ring of Not Exploding in the Daylight. You wouldn’t happen to know how long it is until sunrise, would you? Tee hee!

Breakup Music: Plays.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro, thanks for making me a vampire! I’m going to thank you by making the rest of your unending life a living hell!

Emily Bennet: And I just dropped by to tell you that you’re under a Gypsy curse: your heart is pure, and you shall never know true happiness!

Angel: I did that first… but at least you get to wink-wink and nudge-nudge the lead girl.

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, with this ring, I thee prevent from exploding in the sunlight, and promise to love you and wink you and nudge you, till next season do us part.

Stefan Salvatore: Brood! Smooch! Brood!

Team Damon: …goddammit.

Pearl: Oh, how sweet! The Token Black Vampire packed up my things for me! Hey, where did this stake in my heart come from? Dies.

Damon Salvatore: So, you feeling all righteous and straight edge again?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure do!

Damon Salvatore: Thank God… this whole “not quite so evil” thing was getting to be a drag. Now I can go back to hating you and eating cute young couples!

Anna: …Momma?

Alaric Saltzman: Wow, my life sucks. Just about the only thing that could make it worse would be if my vampire sort-of-ex-wife showed up.

Isobel Flemming: Hey Rick!

The Plot: Thickens.

Stefan Salvatore: Sports car: check. Leather jacket: check. Sunglasses: check.

Midlife Crisis: Underway.

Elena Gilbert: Hey babe! Does this mean you kicked your drug blood habit?

Stefan Salvatore: Ha! No! Now where are your cheerleader buddies?

Uncle John Gilbert: So, looks like your brother some as-of-yet unknown vampire has been stealing blood from the local Red Cross. Wanna help me track him down and stake him?

Damon Salvatore: I’m thinking… no.

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey, Sheriff Forbes! Guess how Damon has been spending his nights!

Damon Salvatore: Why, helping you track down evil, evil vampires of course! Innocent smirk!

Sheriff Forbes: It’s all right, Damon. I know all about your porn collection. You don’t have to be ashamed.

Stefan Salvatore: I’m back in school! And I’m a vampire!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m back in school! And I’m a witch! With straight hair! And bangs!

Alaric Saltzman: I’m teaching a class on Founder’s Day! Because this story needs exposition!

Anna: My mommy’s very very sorry that her friends kidnapped and tortured your brother!

Damon Salvatore: But not sorry enough to come and tell me herself?

Anna: Mommy doesn’t do apologies!

Damon Salvatore: Huh. Well, Damon doesn’t do forgiveness, so that works.

Anna: By the way: your brother’s robbing the blood bank!

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie! We haven’t talked in weeks! How’s it going, bestest of bestest buddies!

Caroline Forbes: Bonnie! We haven’t talked in… oh, that’s right! We’ve talked on the phone every night since you left! Mostly about how you hate vampires! And the girls that date them! Hey, I need help picking out a dress for Miss Mystic Falls!

Elena Gilbert: Miss Mystic Falls?

Caroline Forbes: You know, the beauty pageant that we’ve been planning for months, and that the writers totally didn’t come up with at the last moment! But you could totally drop out if you’re too busy!

Elena Gilbert: No, that’s all right. My mom had a whole Barbie doll thing going on with me. She’d want me to beat you enter.

Caroline Forbes: Sadface.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, Stefan! You sure are chipper! And that can only mean one thing…

Stefan Salvatore: No, Elena did not agree to dress up like the Biker from the Village People. Pout.

Damon Salvatore: I was going to say “human blood,” but that was way more intriguing…

Elena Gilbert: Hey baby! Will you take me to the Founder’s Day dance? And eat all of the competition for Miss Mystic Falls?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure, babe! But first…

Stefan Salvatore: Has enough blood stashed away to keep the Red Cross going for the next decade.

Damon Salvatore: Aw, man! I was hoping for Village People costumes! Anyway: you haven’t had human blood for a century and a half, and I know what you’re going through. You’ve got to be careful, man! You can’t go running around robbing blood banks and beating people up!

Stefan Salvatore: Are you trying to be the voice of reason here?

Damon Salvatore: …Goddammit! You see what you’re addiction has done to me?

Caroline Forbes: Here’s an extensive list of my civic involvement, charitable contributions, and noble character traits! Also, I’m pretty much the most beautiful human being alive!

Elena Gilbert: My mommy’s dead! Pity vote powers activate!

Uncle John Gilbert: So, Elena’s mom and I shared a common interest: sex. Also, some weird invention that Ye Old Gilbert Ancestors cooked up, which happened to fall into the hands of a vampire named… Pearl.

Damon Salvatore: Light switch. So… I’m thinking you need to A) shut the hell up, and B) get the hell out of my house.

Uncle John Gilbert: Gee, it sure would be a shame if someone told the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council that you’re a vampire, don’t you think?

Damon Salvatore: Gee, it sure would be a shame if someone ate the entire Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, then cut your hand off, smashed your Ring of Not Dying, and flayed you alive, wouldn’t it?

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey look at the time! Got to be going now! Tootles!

Mama Lockwood: Honor your partner…

Thomas: Is that what they call it these days?

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Flirty face!

Mama Lockwood: So, this dance is all about not actually touching your partner.

Edward Cullen: I approve!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Lame.

Caroline Forbes: I deserve to be MMF! My Grandma was MMF! Both my Aunts were MMF! But Elena’s probably going to win, since her stupid mother is all dead and stuff! Pout! </entitled-rich-white-girl>

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Bonnie!

Bonnie Bennet: Icy stare.

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie! What’s wrong?

Bonnie Bennet: You mean aside from the fact that your boyfriend is a blood-sucking fiend that got me kidnapped, my grandmother killed, and set a horde or vampires loose on the town? Nothing!

Unimportant Guy: Oh no! I tripped and fell and cut open my leg!

Stefan Salvatore: Bloodlust!

Alaric Saltzman: Intervention!

Stefan Salvatore: Throat grab!

Alaric Saltzman: So… is Stefan doing all right?

Elena Gilbert: Well, he went through a rough patch, but he’s bouncing back.

Alaric Saltzman: And by “bouncing back” you mean “eating the basketball team?”

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey Aunt Jenna! Care to accompany me to the Founder’s Day Dance?

Alaric Saltzman: That’s all right, I’ve got this one! Cock block powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: So Uncle John Gilbert knows our secret and thinks Pearl might have a MacGuffin that he really really wants and boy it would be a shame if my two worst enemies destroyed each other, wouldn’t it? Innocent smile.

Pearl: …

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Uncle John! Have you read any of Uncle John the First’s journals? Sure is crazy, what with all the vampires, huh?

Uncle John Gilbert: Sniff, sniff. Is that a future vampire hunter I smell?

Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Damon! I’m getting dressed for the beauty pageant!

Damon Salvatore: Don’t let me stop you. Anyway, just thought you’d like to know Stefan’s off the wagon again! Later!

Anna: You used me! For sex fangs!

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, and you weren’t going to give my blood to your mother, like it says in John Gilbert’s Guide to Plot Complications?

Anna: …damn. Busted.

Stefan Salvatore: What’s up, you guys!

Elena Gilbert: I know you’re drinking human blood again!

Damon Salvatore: And I’m going downstairs to get drunk. Graceful exit.

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, what’s wrong? I mean, aside from the stealing and the lying and the violent urges, I’m still the same broody guy who slept with you because you look like my ex!

Elena Gilbert: …

Stefan Salvatore: Rage! Angst! Mirror smash!

Amber: Eeep!

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs! Kidnap! Mind whammy!

Announcer Dude: Ms. Elena Gilbert, escorted by Mr. Stefan Damon Salvatore!

Team Damon: Squee!

Team Stefan: Grr!

Team Switzerland: Chocolate?

Elena Gilbert: This is horrible! What are we going to do?

Damon Salvatore: For now? Fake it. You should be used to that. You are dating my brother, after all.

Within Temptation: Plays.

Thomas: Already owns the album.

Damon Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Dance.

Team Stefan: Rage!

Team Damon: Swoon!

Team Switzerland: Cheese?

Stefan Salvatore: I shouldn’t do this I can’t do this I’m the good brother and if I do this there’s no going back but you’re so tasty looking and I haven’t had a blonde in ages and oh emo!

Amber: Go for it!

Stefan Salvatore: Okay! Fangs!

Mayor Lockwood: Well, before I crown the winner, I’d like to thank all of these ladies for their efforts to better our community. By being physically attractive. And now, without further ado, the Elena Gilbert Award for being Really Really Hot goes to… Caroline Forbes!

Uncle John Gilbert: Signs of a struggle, blood in the sink, missing girl… you know what this means.

Sheriff Forbes: It means we need Damon to save us!

Uncle John Gilbert: Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what that means. Facepalm.

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs!

Amber: Scream!

Damon Salvatore: Stop my brother from eating the human girl powers activate!

Stefan Salvatore: Throw my brother across the woods because I’m all hopped up on human blood and I’m not a wuss anymore powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Woe! Shock! Misery!

Bonnie Bennet: Did I mention I’m a witch? Mind ray powers activate!

Thomas: Huh. Well played, madam. Well played.

Uncle John Gilbert: So, who’s the girl chatting up Jeremy?

Aunt Jenna: That’s Anna! Her mother’s Pearl! They’re vampires!

Alaric Saltzman: Hey Elena! You look like your boyfriend just fanged another woman!

Pearl: Hey Damon! Here’s the MacGuffin! We heart Mystic Falls! Whoo!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! I know that wasn’t the real you! It’s the drugs blood that makes you do all these mean things! I know you really love me! And if Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that a bad boy can be saved by the love of an innocent girl!

Stefan Salvatore: Rage! Smash! Sorrow! Hug!

Elena Gilbert: It’s all right, Stefan, it’s all right. But, um… could you not put your face so close to my neck? Oh, and: verveine!

Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan? Remember how you locked me in this dungeon a few months ago? Really, this is for your own good.

Elena Gilbert: Keeping a vigil on my addict boyfriend powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Well, I’ve got nowhere better to be. Guess I’ll chill with you for a while.

Team Stefan: Weep!

Team Damon: Sigh!

Team Switzerland: Expertly crafted watch?

The Plot: Thickens.

Stefan Salvatore: Is using the “exercise and more exercise” method of dealing with his sexual frustrations bloodlust.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, you sure worked up a sweat! You know what you need? A nice warm glass of type O-Negative.

Stefan Salvatore: No! I cannot! For it is wrong, and I am a noble, penitent vampire! Perhaps even with a soul! </angel>

Damon Salvatore: Okay then. Well, I’ll just leave this glass sitting here on the end table..

Stefan Salvatore: Salivate, tummy ruble, drool…

Damon Salvatore: Ha! Gotcha!

Uncle John Gilbert: Has never been a good guy on a show ever, even if he seemed like a good guy to start out. Chances he’s a dick on TVD: about 100%.

Aunt Jenna: Hey uncle John! Did you sign the escrow papers so I can sell the old office so I can put Elena and Jeremy through college, and pay for the treatment for Lassie’s cancer, and feed some starving orphans?

Uncle John Gilbert: Ha, no! I’m going to use this one area of power to force myself back into your life, and make you cater to my every whim!

Uncle John Gilbert: Is a dick.

Elena Gilbert: My family situation is all screwed up!

Matt Donovan: My Family situation is screwed up!

Elena Gilbert: Let’s console each other!

Stefan Salvatore and Caroline Forbes (Offscreen): Grumble, angst, pout.

Tyler Lockwood: Did you hear? They say Vicki ODed!

Jeremy Gilbert: Really?

Tyler Lockwood: Yeah man. They found a needle hole the size of a wooden stake right through her heart.

Jeremy Gilbert: Damn, that’s hardcore.

Uncle John Gilbert: So, fellow members of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, I fear I must report that the local blood bank had been raided, and numerous hikers and campers have gone missing. Those found have had their throats torn out, and been drained of blood. I fear there are vampires in your midst!

Mayor Lockwood: Is an adult in a teen horror series, and thus doesn’t believe him.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey Elena! Check out this history paper your brother wrote. It’s about vampires!

Elena Gilbert: What? But how could he know? I’ve done everything possible to protect him from this terrible knowledge! Like having Damon loooook into his eyyyyyyyyyyes </dracula> and burry his vampire ex-girlfriend’s body in a shallow grave and everything!

Aunt Jenna: Hey Uncle John! You’re a dick!

Jeremy Gilbert: Dude, why does she hate you so much?

Uncle John Gilbert: I never told her the Gilbert Family Secret: we’re vampire hunters! Also: we used to sleep together.

Aunt Jenna: Hey!

Elena Gilbert: I’m worried about my brother! And I’m tired of all these secrets!

Stefan Salvatore: Have you thought about telling him the truth?

Elena Gilbert: What? That’s crazy talk! Anyway: smooch!

Stefan Salvatore: Grr! Arg! Ugh!

Elena Gilbert: What’s wrong?

Stefan Salvatore: My… fangs… are popping… out.

Elena Gilbert: I’m worried about Stefan!

Damon Salvatore: Me too! He’s got a real chance to stop being such a boring dick all the time, and I’m really worried he’s gonna blow it. Hey, nice underwear drawer!

Stefan Salvatore: You know what always helps me get control of myself? Whiskey! Clang!

Elena Gilbert: I’m adopted! Let’s talk about vampires!

Jeremy Gilbert: …?

Stefan Salvatore: I need a drink! Clang!

Momma Donovan: I need a drink! Clang!

Tyler Lockwood: I need a drink! Clang!

Momma Donovan: I need a drink! Clang!

Thomas: Loves these people.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Elena! Wanna dance!

Elena Gilbert: You hate dancing!

Stefan Salvatore: Sober me hates dancing. Drunk me is about to act a fool!

Elena Gilbert: No one else is dancing!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s because this music sucks! Hey DJ: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula> Whoo!

Damon Salvatore: That’s my boy!

Elena Gilbert: You spin me right round baby, right round!

Elena Gilbert: Bumps into some dude on the dance floor.

Some Dude on the Dance Floor: Watch it, you clumsy cow!

Stefan Salvatore: Beer muscle powers activate! Plus, Dracula eyes!

Some Dude on the Dance Floor: I am very very sorry and it will never happen again and I think I wet myself can I go now please don’t eat me.

Stefan Salvatore: See babe! Nothing to worry about when I’m around!

Elena Gilbert: 0_o

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey, did you hear the story about the vampires who got sealed in an underground tomb, and were set free by a vampire named Damon salvatore, who happens to be masquerading as a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council?

Damon Salvatore: Hey, did you hear the story about a guy who tried to threaten a vampire and got his neck snapped, and then got tossed over the balcony?

Jeremy Gilbert: Elena! Tell me the truth! Do you believe this story about Vicki ODing?

Elena Gilbert: What? What do you mean? Of course I do! Nervous laugh.

Jeremy Gilbert: Why won’t you look me in the eyes and say that?

Elena Gilbert: What? That doesn’t mean anything!

Jeremy Gilbert: Yes it does! I watch Lie to Me! And The Mentalist!

Momma Donovan: Awkward sexy time?

Tyler Lockwood: Eh, why not?

Matt Donovan: Dude? What the hell! Facepunch!

Tyler Lockwood: Grr! Reversal! Mount! Facepunch! Facepunch! Facepunch!

Alaric Saltzman: Dude, what the hell’s wrong with you?

Tyler Lockwood: Oh, I don’t know. Must be the full moon or something.

Damon Salvatore: So, do you want to hear the bad news, or the really bad news?

Stefan Salvatore: Nope! Whiskey!

Damon Salvatore: Allow me to rephrase: do you want to hear about how the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council is back in vampire hunting mode, or how I just killed Uncle John Gilbert?

Thomas: Really. Direct quote. <3 Damon.

Momma Donovan: Weep, bleed, weep!

Stefan Salvatore: Why Mrs. Donovan! You combine two of my favorite traits in a woman: emotional dependency and open wounds! FInger lick!

Damon Salvatore: Wow, they sure did hire some hot women to come to this party!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Damon! I’m not dead!

Damon Salvatore: …goddammit.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Alaric! Did you notice Uncle John is wearing the same kind of Ring of Not Dying that you are?

Alaric Saltzman: You mean…?

Damon Salvatore: Yep. Pretty sure he was sleeping with your wife, too.

Some Dude on the Dance Floor: Shove! Taunt! Punch!

Stefan Salvatore: Fist grab! Hand crunch! Veiny Eyes!

Some Dude on the Dance Floor: Hey look at the time go to be going what the hell are you please don’t eat me!

Jeremy Gilbert: Rummages through Elena’s room.

Elena Gilbert’s Diary: “Dear Diary, Stefan is a vampire! So is Damon! So was Vicki! But Stefan killed her and Damon took away Jeremy’s memories! So glad that’s over! Hehe! <3 -Elena”

Elena Gilbert: Hey, Some Dude on the Dance Floor was beaten up and is laying on the ground! Sure hope Stefan doesn’t have anything to do with this! Tee hee!

Tyler Lockwood: I’m sorry dad! I don’t know what came over me!

Mayor Lockwood: Oh, it’s okay, son!

Tyler Lockwood: Really?

Mayor Lockwood: Ha, no! Faceslap!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey guys! I know all about you vampires, and Katherine, and I’m also the one that sent your wife to Damon to get vamped, oh, and I’ve got a kill switch on my computer that will email all of the sexy photos dark secrets I have on you guys to the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council if anything happens to me. Tootles!

Damon Salvatore: …but I, er…

Alaric Saltzman: …but he, wibble…

Elena Gilbert: Hey Jeremy!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, you lying hussy!

Stefan Salvatore: Window creep! Hey, Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Heart attack! Hey babe! What’s up?

Stefan Salvatore: I got Mama Donovan’s blood on my hands, and it freaked me out, and I almost ate a guy, and I think I’m an addict and please please help.

Thomas: Well I’ll be damned. He actually told her.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: <3

Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan! We’ve got a problem… … and wow, you look like crap. Tell you what, I’m going to leave this cup of blood sitting here on the table, and head to bed. Later!

Stefan Salvatore: …Clang!

The Plot: Thickens.

Jeremy Gilbert: You have to make me a vampire!

Anna: No! I cannot condemn you to a life of… being able to walk around in the sun with our magic rings of not exploding, and living off of… conveniently available blood supplies, and being eternally young, and hot and… um… trust me, it’s a curse, all right! And why do you want to be a vampire, anyway?

Jeremy Gilbert: Because, um, well, er, you see…

Anna: Huh. Compelling argument, sparky.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am angry vampire! Angry vampire smash stupid Salvatore brothers!

Pearl: You mean like you did last episode? How’d that work for you? Girlfriend still dead?

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am sad vampire! Sad vampire smash stupid Salvatore brothers!

Pearl: That’s great, honey. I’m going into town tomorrow, to check out the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am angry vampire again! Angry vampire smash stupid Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council!

Pearl: …goddammit.

Damon Salvatore: Let’s go kick Pearl’s ass! With two of us, I bet she won’t even gouge out my eyes again!

Stefan Salvatore: Let’s think this through carefully, and concoct a plan that will result in minimal conflict, causalities, and entertainment!

Elena Gilbert: Can I get kidnapped again? Please?

Anna: Hey, nice anti-vampire pot bracelet!

Jeremy Gilbert: Thanks! My sister gave it to me! Wanna wear it? I <3 you!

Anna: You just wanna get in my pants coffin.

Jeremy Gilbert: Well, not just…

Stefan Salvatore: Going hunting!

Damon Salvatore: Say ‘hi’ to the squirrels for me!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey Stefan! Stake!

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: You have 6 new messages from Damon Salvatore.

Damon Salvatore: You’re ignoring me.

Elena Gilbert: You’re a douche.

Damon Salvatore: Stefan is missing.

Elena Gilbert: Did I say “douche”? I meant “Charming, dashing, ever so helpful vampire who’s going to help me get my hot undead boyfriend back.” Tee hee!

Damon Salvatore: Pearl! Open this door or I’ll find someone older than you to kick your ass!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Sorry, Pearl’s not here right now. If you’d like to leave a message, please scream “stop torturing my brother!” after I insert a stake in his gut. Stake!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey ladies, what do you say to a little fan service?

Stefan Salvatore: Is tied up, mostly naked, and heaving.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: Please use your magic ring of not dying to help me get my hot undead boyfriend back from the skeezy undead kidnappers!

Alaric Saltzman: Sorry miss, this ain’t my fight.

Damon Salvatore: Pearl can help you find your wife.

Alaric Saltzman: Let’s saddle up!

Jeremy Gilbert: You should turn me because my life sucks and I’m alone and oh emo!

Anna: You want a pity turn?

Thomas: Loves the writers.

Anna: No way, babe. We only turn people for various nefarious purposes. Oh, and true love. And there’s no way I’m going to truly love you for at least another episode or two.

Mayor Lockwood: Why hello there Pearl! It’s always nice to meet a hot potential voter! This is my son Tyler, who is still on this show!

Damon Salvatore: Wooden stakes, tranquilizer darts filled with anti-vampire pot, Anne Rice novels… looks like you’re good to go, Alaric.

Elena Gilbert: Ooh ooh ooh I wanna join the suicide mission too!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah yeah yeah, true love, I’d die for Stefan, blah bah blah. I can’t kick all manner of vampire ass if I’m also worried about your pert, nubile… ahem, so you can drive the getaway vehicle.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, can I use your phone? My car broke down.

The Human Who Owns the House: Sure!

Alaric Saltzman: And can you invite in my super good friend Damon?

The Human Who Owns the House: Oh, no, he’s not allowed in the house.

Damon Salvatore: Well that’s inconvenient. Say, do you have anyone else living in the house? Husband, kids, grandkids?

The Human Who Owns the House: Why no! It’s just me!

Damon Salvatore: Excellent. Neck snap!

Thomas: Standing ovation!

Jeremy Gilbert: I’m bored. Wanna fang?

Anna: Hey! We’re a secret, remember?

Pearl: So, who’s that boy chatting up my sweet, innocent daughter?

Mayor Lockwood: Oh, don’t worry about him. That’s just Jeremy Gilbert, of the Vampire Hunting Gilberts.

Pearl: Angryface.

Damon Salvatore: Stake stake stakity-stake!

Elena Gilbert: Sneak sneak sneakity-sneak!

Alaric Saltzman: Goddammit Elena. Rescue, rescue, rescity-rescue!

Caroline Forbes: Well, here I am, with a broken down car, no cell phone service, and rather insensible shoes. I better go traipsing through the woods! Hey, look, a dead body! Aieee!

Pearl: Stop seeing Jeremy Gilbert!

Anna: Okay.

Thirty seconds later:

Anna: Hey Jeremy, wanna fang?

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! I missed you and I love you and wow you sure are hot when you’re all naked and tied up and that gives me ideas for later tonight but wait you’re still in danger so let’s get you out of here and get you fed but not on me that’s gross and then let’s wink-wink and nudge-nudge!

Damon Salvatore: Women. Anyway, you two get out of here. As for me: Avenging Angel of Death powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Leaves a trail of bodies all through Pearl’s House of Significantly Fewer Vampires for Fredrick to find, and kicks all manner of ass.

Thomas: Note to self: do not piss off Damon.

A Bunch of Vampires: Vampire gang bang!

Damon Salvatore: Sadface

Alaric Saltzman: Rescue! Despite the fact that you ate murdered vamped my wife!

Elena Gilbert: Oh no! I have tripped and fallen and cut open my hand! I hope this doesn’t drive Stefan into a blood-crazed frenzy! And look, our car has been inconveniently disabled!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Window break! Boyfriend grab! Stake! Stake! Stake!

Elena Gilbert: Anti-vampire pot tranquilizer dart!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Erk!

Stefan Salvatore: Ack!

Elena Gilbert: Weep!

Some Vampire: Fangs!

Alaric Saltzman: Anti-vampire pot tranquilizer dart!

Damon Salvatore: Let’s blow this popsicle stand!

Dozens of Vampires: Surround Pearl’s House of One or Two ^^{Lots and Lots of} Vampires.

Damon Salvatore: Back door?

Alaric Saltzman: Back door.

Momma Donovan: I made dinner!

Caroline Forbes: I found a body!

Sheriff Forbes: It was your daughter!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan you need to wake up because I love you and I love your abs and you can’t die because I’d miss you and also that skeezy vampire is waking up and I’d really like it if you killed him and hey look I’m bleeding and now I have a plan!

Stefan Salvatore: Reluctant fangs!

Elena Gilbert: Ambiguously orgasmic expression!

Pearl: What did you do?!?

Damon Salvatore: Um, rescued my brother from your merry band of torturers?

Pearl: Oh. Well, that’s awkward. Carry on, then.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am angry vampire! Angry vampire stake stupid Stefan Salvatore!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, guess who just drank human blood for the first time in a century, and is feeling a lot better? <– this guy!

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs! Range! Stake stake stake stake stake!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! Stop!

Stefan Salvatore: Shove! Shock! Sorrow!

Elena Gilbert: Pout!

Stefan Salvatore: So, it sure was awkward how you saw me go all medieval on that skeezy vampire, wasn’t it? Nervous laugh.

Elena Gilbert: Oh, it’s all my fault! My delicious blood done drive you into a frenzy!

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: Rings inconviniently.

Elena Gilbert: Hold on… Wait, they found whose body where?

Caroline Forbes: Matt, I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Matt Donovan: No, thanks, I’m going to cry on the shoulder of my hot ex-girlfriend, of whom you are vastly jealous.

Elena Gilbert: Hi, Matt!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, we were bad. ass.

Alaric Saltzman: Facepunch!

Damon Salvatore: So, same time next week? Call me!

Damon Salvatore: Walks past lots and lots of empty blood bags.

Stefan Salvatore: Is huddled in a corner like an addict on a three day Meth bender.

The Plot: Thickens.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Om nom nom.

The Lady Whose House They’ve Stolen: Orgasmic sigh.

Anna: Um… you okay?

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

The Lady Whose House They’ve Stolen: Yes I am perfectly fine and no there are no vampires holding me hostage and drinking my blood would you like some pie? </stepford-wife>

Anna: D-:

Matt Donovan: Mom, we talked about this. You were out way past your curfew, you brought a boy home with you, and you need to get a job.

Caroline Forbes: Hi, Momma Donovan!

Momma Donovan: Rowar! Cat Hiss!

Caroline Forbes: D-:

Stefan Salvatore: Woe is me! Damon still won’t make out talk to me!

Elena Gilbert: Woe is me! My mother is missing got eaten by Damon is a vampire! Who’s related to the vampire that sired you, and screwed damon over!

Stefan Salvatore: Vampires suck.

Jacob “Abs” black: Word.

Matt Donovan: Wanna watch a movie tonight?

Caroline Forbes: And spend time with your deadbeat alcoholic mother who also hates me? Boy do I!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Smooch!

Matt Donovan: She used to kiss me like that…

Caroline Forbes: What was that?

Matt Donovan: What nothing got to go late for class pick out a movie I’ll see you later bye!

Pearl: And this is how you send a text message, which is what you do when you don’t want to talk to somebody.

Anna: I mind-whammied us a car and an ATM card! Let’s go shopping!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr, I’m overbearing and paranoid!

Harper: I’m meek and helpful, just like my kind should be!

Thomas: Well that’s awkward.

Caroline Forbes: We should go on a double date! So I can make sure my manwhore of a boyfriend doesn’t still have the hots for you!

Elena Gilbert: That sounds…

Stefan Salvatore: Like a great idea!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what now?

Pearl: Hi, Damon!

Damon Salvatore: Hi, Pearl! Throat grab!

Pearl: Aww, it’s so cute when you pretend to be all tough. Damon tossing powers activate!

Anna: Smirk!

Jeremy Gilbert: I’ve recently discovered that vampires are real, and I need to know how to defend myself and the people I love! Where can I find this information I know, an internet chat room!

Pearl: So Anna tells me you’re a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council. Have you ever considered a career as a double agent?

Damon: Have you ever considered a career in shutting the hell up?

Pearl: Hm. You make an interesting proposition. To which I reply: eye gouge!

Thomas: Huh. Pearl’s kind of a badass.

Stefan Salvatore: Surprise! Flowers!

Elena Gilbert: Aww! That’s so sweet I want to cancel our double date!

Stefan Salvatore: I thought you wanted to be more “normal teenager” and less “I’m dating a vampire who’s brother is a vampire, and they’re both surrounded by vampires that keep trying to eat me and do that freaky dracula-eyes thing.”

Elena Gilbert: Have you ever even been on a double date?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure. ’72. Twins. Playmates, actually. I got Ms. June.

Elena Gilbert: Is oddly okay with that.

Momma Donovan: You’re an alcoholic! That’s sexy!

Damon Salvatore: You’re an old woman. That’s not sexy.

Aunt Jenna: I used to be an alcoholic! I’m twenty!

Shots: All around.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Push!

Harper: Shove!

Pearl: Throat grab! Bad vampire! No treat!

Elena Gilbert: So how do you like working here at the Bar-Grill-Pizzaria-Pool-Hall?

Matt Donovan: It’s great! My girlfriend looks down on me, I’m trapped in a dead-end job, and I don’t make enough money to take care of my deadbeat mother! Also: they cannot keep a bartender.

Ben the Vampire Bartender: I’m dead!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Knowing look.

Damon, Momma Donovan, and Aunt Jenna: More shots whoooooooo!

Everyone else: 0_o

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Well, I’ve decided to ignore Pearl’s orders and head into town! Sure hope no one gets staked!

Anna: He Jeremy, I’m back!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Anna! I’m anemic! I bet my blood tastes horrible!

Damon Salvatore: The primary reason for my existence has deserted me, and after the events of today, the shaking remains of the ground I walk on are about to go “kaboom.” Crazy eyes.

Momma Donovan and Aunt Jenna: …so… more shots whoooooooo!

Elena Gilbert and Matt Donovan: Hey, do you remember all of those stories from when we were dating, that totally don’t involve the people we’re dating now? Weren’t those great?

Caroline Forbes: Gilbert. Bathroom. Now.

Aunt Jenna: Ooooh crap they saw us I know they saw us dammit we’re busted how am I ever going to be a responsible adult now that my niece has seen me doing shots with her ex-boyfriend’s deadbeat mom and her boyfriend’s ridiculously hot brother?

Jeremy Gilbert: So… have you ever wondered if vampires might be real? And living in Mystic Falls? And sitting on my couch?

Anna: What no why would you say that that’s just silly and I totally made everything I ever told you about vampires up. Nervous laugh.

Caroline Forbes: So rowar could you scratch stop hitting claw on my bite boyfriend?

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey, Katherine!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, this double date was a great idea!

Stefan Salvatore’s Cell Phone: Hey babe! The skeezy guy over buy the bar just called me Katherine! Hoping to not get kidnapped again tonight! <3 E (Sent from my Product Placement Blackberry)

Stefan Salvatore: So Matt… you know how you said people didn’t like me because I seem rich and entitled and spoiled? You are really going to hate my mansion and my really old, really expensive sports car that Thomas can’t identify.

Aunt Jenna: I’m drunk! And I broke a heel!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Well allow me to break the other one! Also: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Aunt Jenna: Wide, glassy eyes. Ha! Did I mention I’m drunk! And you’re kinda lame!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Pout. Hey, what’s that scent you’re wearing?

Aunt Jenna: Oh, Elena gave it to me. I think it’s called “eau de anti-vampire pot.”

Jeremy Gilbert: Let’s have dinner! I’ll slice up the meat!

Thomas: He’s going to cut himself. There is no way he’s not going to cut himself. If he doesn’t cut himself, I’ll eat this keyboard.

Jeremy Gilbert: Cuts himself. On purpose.

Thomas: I’ll be damned. They still managed to surprise me. Well played, show, well played.

Anna: Grr! Arg! Yum!

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: Make up, kiss, manage not to get eaten.

Damon Salvatore and Momma Donovan: Bow chicka bow wow!

Matt Donovan: Mom?!?

Momma Donovan: Well this is awkward.

Pearl: Anna! Where have you been, young lady?

Anna: Well I sure wasn’t making out with / snacking on the Gilbert boy, that’s for sure! Nervous laugh.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Window Crash!

Damon Salvatore: Vampire wrestling powers activate!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire’s Skeezy Girlfriend: Window Crash!

Stephan Salvatore: Vampire stake through the heart powers activate!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey look at the time got to be going bye!

Stephan Salvatore: Waitaminute, they were trapped in the tomb…

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, about that…

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: So… Skeezy Vampire Girlfriend might have gotten staked when we attacked the Salvatore brothers, kinda like you said.

Pearl: Hmm. Well, no biggie. Also: stab!

Elena Gilbert: I had a really good time on our date tonight!

Stefan Salvatore: You are such a liar!

Elena Gilbert: Am not! Aside from Matt hitting on me all night, and Caroline getting all catty with me, and your brother making out with Momma Donovan, it was great!

Damon Salvatore: Burns the Skeezy Vampire Girlfriend’s body in the fireplace.

Anna: How did you know I was a vampire?

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, I don’t know. It might have had something to do with all of the articles you gave me to read on vampires, oh, and the way you fanged out when I kissed you. Also: can you make me a vampire please huh please can you?

The Plot: Thickens.

Leonardo DeCaprio: Sees dead people.

Moonlight shines down on an empty clearing in the woods, casting everything in an eerie glow. Nearby, empty cans of beer and the smoldering remains of cigarettes – and other smokeables – litter the ground, evidence of a party that has recently broken up. The moonlight glistens off a recently used flamethrower, laying next the the charred body of a creepy-ass former bar-tending vampire. The detritus of some arcane magical spell tell those knowledgeable in such things exactly what occurred here.

Producer: Well, previously, on The Vampire Diaries….

Thomas: just realized that if Isobel is Elena’s mother… Alaric might be her father. God, I hope she doesn’t think he’s hot…

Average-Looking Hiker Dude: Hikes through the forrest, in the middle of the day, with cheerful sunlight beaming down on him, nary a care in the world.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Dude, what day is it?

Average-Looking Hiker Dude: Saturday.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: What year?

Average-Looking Hiker Dude: Um… two-thousand… ten…?

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Woah. Bummer. Well, it was nice to meet you! Fangs!

Thomas: So, all of Katherine’s vampire buddies have Rings of Not Exploding in the Sunlight. We’re less than a minute into this, and already the Plot: thickens.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Aaaand since you aren’t using these clothes anymore… yoink!

Elena Gilbert: Hey Bonnie I love you Bonnie and I miss you Bonnie and I’m sorry your Grandma died but I know what that’s like because my fake mother died only I didn’t know she was my fake mother so it really really sucked and I hope you come back soon because it’s in your contract and the producer would get all angry again! Bye bye!

Aunt Jenna: So, who wants to know about their biological mother?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, oh, I do, I do! Pick me, pick me!

Aunt Jenna: Okay! So I borrowed the medical records from you fathers practice, because HIPPA doesn’t apply on television, and then I used my awesome detective skills to track your mother’s sister-cousin-whatever down!

Elena Gilbert: You mean you used-

Aunt Jenna: That’s right! Bing!

Thomas: Eff you, show.

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, so your biological mother might be Alaric’s wife? But she’s dead!

Elena Gilbert: Oh no! That would mean both my mothers are dead! Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Nah, it can’t be. There’s no way your mother was married to a vampire slayer, and got eaten by Damon.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: Hey look at the time got to go Damon needs me see you later call me babe! Two fingers, miming a phone.

Damon Salvatore: Is mourning Katherine’s loss/betrayal/indifference. And by “mourning,” of course, I mean “cavorting with and snacking on a bunch of mostly naked sorority chicks.”

Stefan Salvatore: So… did you eat Elena’s real mother?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, probably. Who can keep track, amiright? Anyway, I need to go exploit some women! TTFN!

Thomas: Really doesn’t have to change Damon’s dialog to make it funny.

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: Cuddle on the couch, watching some kind of sports show.

Caroline Forbes: This is boring. We should do something not boring.

Matt Donovan: Like…?

Caroline Forbes: Sexy time!

Mamma Donovan: Oh god, not on the couch.

Matt Donovan: Ah!

Caroline Forbes: Eep!

Matt Donovan: Strategically places a pillow on top of Caroline.

Aunt Jenna and Alaric Saltzman: Hang up a sign for the Mystic Falls Meat Parade

Aunt Jenna and Alaric Saltzman: Smootch!

Aunt Jenna: So… this seems like a convenient time to ask… were you married to Elena’s mother?

Alaric Saltzman: No way, Isobel never had a baby.

Aunt Jenna: You sure? Here, look at this photo I have on my Product Placement iPhone.

Alaric Saltzman:

Elena Gilbert: Is now driving a Product Placement… car I don’t recognize. But it’s sporty!

Elena Gilbert: So, do you know Isobel Flemming? And did she happen to look a lot like me when she was a teenager?

Trudi Peterson: OMG you’re her daughter!

Elena Gilbert: Well that was easy. Do you know who my daddy is?

Trudi Peterson: Yes I do, and holy hell does that answer scare the crap out of me. No, no I most certainly do not. Oh, tea’s done! Lemme go grab that!

Trudi Peterson (on her cell phone): She’s here!

Alaric Saltzman: So about your brother eating my wife…

Stefan Salvatore: Dude, now is seriously not the time.

Alaric Saltzman: …and Elena’s mother…

Stefan Salvatore: Jaw clench, angry pout, close face.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Kiss him kiss him kiss him!

Stefan Salvatore: I’ll deal with it. Stalks away angrily.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: They never kiss. Pout.

Alaric Saltzman: So whatcha up to babe?

Isobel Flemming: Nothing much. Just researching vampires!

Trudi Peterson: Hey, I’ve got some photos to distract you until the creeper I called shows up show you! And you haven’t touched your tea which I roofied!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, this tea tastes like anti-vampire pot!

Trudi Peterson: Hey look at the time well it was nice talking to you now could you please get the hell out of my house now k thnx bye!

Creepy Ass Old Guy: Lurks creepily in the middle of the street.

Ominous Music: Lets us know that we should be afraid. Thanks, music!

Alaric Saltzman: Deals with his grief in the traditional manner: alcoholism.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro, mind if I join you! Being sober is depressing!

Alaric Saltzman: You aren’t the type to get depressed.

Damon Salvatore: Do you… know me?

Alaric Saltzman: What me no never saw you before and I’m sure not looking for revenge for you eating my wife!

Damon Salvatore: Note to self: eat new history teacher.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, Sheriff Forbes! I’m mourning the loss of my psycho vampire ex! And your husband went gay! We have so much in common! We should be drinking buddies!

Sheriff Forbes: Hey, do you want to be part of our Bachelor Raffle?

Damon Salvatore: A room full of women, clamoring for a date with me? Sounds… tasty.

Thomas: Really, I just quote him. That’s all I need to do.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, and can you check out Alaric Saltzman for me? He seems shifty.

Creepy Ass Old Guy: Thanks for letting me know the kid showed up.

Trudi Peterson: Dies.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Culture shock!

Some Woman on a Park Bench: Meaningful look.

Elena Gilbert: Stephan?

Damon Salvatore: Even better! Me! And I’m mostly naked!

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Stefan Salvatore: So… your mom was totally banging your history teacher.

Elena Gilbert: OMG WTF I have to talk to him.

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, so… could you not?

Elena Gilbert: What? Why?

Stefan Salvatore: Because Damon killed your mom and Alaric wants him dead. Oh, no reason. Innocent whistle.

Aunt Jenna: Sorry I had to tell you your wife had a kid! But now you can be bestest friends with her daughter, my niece, and your history student: Elena!

Alaric Saltzman: Hello bourbon, my best and only friend! Clang!

Caroline Forbes: My boyfriend is cougar bait!

Mamma Donovan: Hey Elena! You broke my son’s heart! Hey rebound girl from the couch!

Sheriff Forbes: So I did some checking. Alaric Saltzman’s wife was murdered. Her name’s Isobel. Here’s here picture!

Damon Salvatore:

Damon Salvatore: Hey Alaric! Did I ever tell you how I met your wife? Had a drink with her once. She was… delicious.

Thomas: Seriously. Direct quote.

Salt and Wound: Meet.

Stefan Salvatore: Facepalm.

Elena Gilbert: OMG WTF you rat bastard!

Damon Salvatore: Oh relax, he’s just the history teacher.

Elena Gilbert: That was my mother!

Damon Salvatore: …well that’s awkward.

Creepy Ass Old Guy: I have a message for you. Stop looking for your mother. She doesn’t want to know you.

Elena Gilbert: My mother’s alive! I have to find her.

Creepy Ass Old Guy: That’s… kind of like what I had in mind. But whetevs, my mission here is done. Plays in traffic.

That: Ends splat-ily.

Damon Salvatore: Are you really that stupid?

Alaric Saltzman: Yep! Stake lunge!

Damon Salvatore: Falcon punch!

Falcon Punch: Solves teen pregnancy. And vampire slayers.

Alaric Saltzman: What did you do to my wife?

Damon Salvatore: Slept with her, of course. Oh, and turned her into a vampire. And then slept with her again. Stab!

Alaric Saltzman: Gurgle, gurgle, dying.

Stefan Salvatore: WTF man? These are nice carpets!

Damon Salvatore: Whatevs, man. I’m going to go back to obsessing about Katherine. Later!

Alaric Saltzman: Twitch, groan, oh god I almost wish I was still dead.

Stefan Salvatore: Um, so you a vampire now?

Alaric Saltzman: Nope! My wife gave me a Ring of Not Dying When Damon Rams A Stake Through My Lung! The little strumpet.

Elena Gilbert: Dials the Creepy Ass Old Guy’s phone

Isobel Flemming: Was there a problem?

Elena Gilbert: Mommy?

Isobel Flemming: Click

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Meets up with Pearl and Anna-No-Last-Name.

The Plot: Is already pretty thick, thank you very much.

Elena Gilbert: Ow why does my head hurt… and why am I in a strange bed… and why is there a vampire bartender sitting in a chair right beside me… oh crap.

Elena Gilbert: Sneak… sneak… sneak…

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Vampire hearing Elena trying to escape and waking up and scaring the crap out of her powers activate!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Don’t try to escape. Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Elena Gilbert: Gets all glassy-eyed, agrees dumbly, tries to escape anyway.

Anna No-Last-Name: Um, hello, idiot? She dates a vampire. She’s totes stocked up with anti-vampire pot. Idiot

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Sadface

Elena Gilbert: Well, here I am, locked in the bathroom in Shady Dealings Motel. Oh, hey, Bonnie is trapped in here with me!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m unconscious!

Stefan Salvatore: Dude they took my girlfriend you gotta help even though I totally stabbed you in the back last episode!

Damon Salvatore: Hm. I’m thinking… no.

Stefan Salvatore: Pleeeeeeease! Look, I’ll admit that I was a jerk and that you’re better than me and that you’re cuter than me and I’ll even say that you’re taller if you want just please help me get my hot girlfriend back!

Damon Salvatore: Well, when you put it that way…. no.

Stefan Salvatore: If I wasn’t such a pansy, I would totally get back at you for this.

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie, they need a witch to open the tomb to free Katherine to advance the plot!

Bonnie Bennet: I’ll never help them!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Oh, well, I guess we’ll just let you go then.

Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: Really?

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Ha! No! I’m gonna torture Elena until Bonnie behaves!

Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: Sadface

The Entire Cast: Hey! Remember us? We’re still in this show!

Caroline Forbes: Matt, I wrote a speech. It’s a “you kissed me and I don’t want things to get weird” speech.

Matt Donovan: That’s… weird.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Gramma B, have you seen Bonnie?

Grandma Bennet: Your kind ain’t welcome here, vampire. No matter how cute you are.

Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah? Step out here and say that!

Grandma Bennet: Steps out there.

Grandma Bennet: Super witch mind pain ray vampire felling powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Ow! Man, it sucks when they fight back!

Anna No-Last-Name: My mother is trapped in the tomb! Because she’s a vampire! Pout.

Elena Gilbert: My mother is trapped in a tomb! Because she’s dead! Pout.

Anna No-Last-Name: So, enough bonding. This your phone?

Elena Gilbert: Hey, gimme back my product placement blackberry!

Anna No-Last-Name: Ah ah ah! Hey Stephan, I’ve got your girlfriend and your witch. Let’s do lunch!

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fire with my water with my brain!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Stops, drops, rolls. Wow, that really works! And now I’m angry! This is my angry face! >:-= Grr!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, wanna go to a party tonight? It’s by the cemetery in the woods, near the Ominous Vampire Tomb!

Anna No-Last-Name: Boy, do I!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Mutters ominous threats. Ominously.

Stefan Salvatore: Breaks down the door and tears down the curtains, letting the sunlight stream in, sending Vampire Ben screaming into the corner. Which is what the girls should have done, oh, an hour ago.

Stefan Salvatore: When the sun goes down, leave town. If I ever see you again, I will kill you.

Wesley Snipes as Blade: You better wake up. The world you live in is just a sugar-coated topping! There is another world beneath it – the real world. And if you wanna survive it, you better learn to pull the trigger!

Thomas: What Mr. Snipes meant to say is that Stephan is a huge girl, and might want to think about killing the evil demon monsters that keep kidnapping his girlfriend.

Elena Gilbert: Okay, look, I know I hurt you and I know you’re angry, but I promise cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die (but not really please don’t hurt me) that I’m telling you the truth! I’ll help you get Katherine back! Look, here’s my anti-vampire-pot necklace! Do the Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula> thing! Ask me if I’m lying.

Damon Salvatore: Steps in close, looks Elena in the eye, and… fastens her necklace around her throat.

Damon Salvatore: I trust you. Don’t make me regret it.

Thomas: That was… kind of hot, actually.

Caroline Forbes: Elena! Where have you been?

Elena Gilbert: Not plotting to unleash Damon’s psycho vampire ex, that’s for sure!

Matt Donovan: Hey, I’m Matt. We haven’t met.

Damon Salvatore: There’s a reason we haven’t. Let’s go. Grab’s Elena’s arm, drags her away.

Thomas: Brief aside: I know they’re trying to play up a whole “Caroline is insecure because Matt isn’t over Elena” thing, but after watching Damon drag her off like that, he would be totally right to be worried about her, and Caroline, who was eaten by Damon on numerous occasions, should understand that. Also: the whole creepy-stalker-edward-cullen-obsessive-controlling-boyfriend thing is not okay. </soapbox>

Stefan Salvatore: Magical supplies: check. Witches: check. Flamethrower for the other vampires: check. Okay, let’s do this thing!

Grandma Bennet: Casts a circle, calls the towers, and gets ready to rend the veil.

Thomas: Has already spotted half a dozen mistakes in her formula. Don’t ask.

Bonnie Bennet and Grandma Bennet: Mumble mumble something vaguely Latin.

The Seal to Katherine’s Tomb: Slides open like a low-budget stone prop.

Damon Salvatore: Sweet! So… I’m going to take Elena with me and get my psycho vampire ex back! Let’s go, insurance policy!

Anna No-Last-Name: I’m going to get my mommy back! And Ben the Vampire Bartender is going to eat Elena’s brother if you try to stop me!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Grr! Arg! Charge!

Stefan Salvatore: Clothesline!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Is that all you got?

Stefan Salvatore: Nope. I got this. Flamethrower!

Thomas and Wesley Snipes as Blade: Slow clap, building to thunderous applause.

Grandma Bennet: Hey, did I mention how I only opened the door, and didn’t break the seal? And how Elena can get out of the tomb because she’s human, but Damon and the rest are stuck down there forever?

Anna No-Last-Name: Mommy! You look thirsty! Bites Elena.

Elena Gilbert: Screams.

Stefan Salvatore: Rushes in stupidly heroically.

Damon Salvatore: Katherine’s not here. She’s not here. She’s not here! She’s not here! Throws a bag of blood on the ground. Epic. Sad. Face.

Elena Gilbert: Consoling hug.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Awwwwww!

Elena Gilbert: So you don’t remember anything? At all?

Jeremy Gilbert: Nope! And I’m definitely not going to Google “vampires in the real world” as soon as you’re gone!

Anna No-Last-Name and Mamma No-Last-Name: Have rather poor night vision, for vampires.

Damon Salvatore: Lurks creepily in the chair in the corner.

Damon Salvatore: Where’s Katherine? Throat grab! Menace! Grr!

Anna No-Last-Name: Oh, didn’t I mention? She turned one of the guards at the church into a vampire, and he let her go. She was in Chicago not too long ago. And is totally not that into you.

Damon Salvatore: Epic. Heart. Break.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Awwwwww!

Grandma Bennet: Well, that was quite a spell.

Grandma Bennet: Dies.

Bonnie Bennet: Grandma? Grandma! Grabs the Book of Shadows. I can fix this! I’m a witch! I’m a witch. I’m… a… witch…

Thomas: Is now Team Bonnie. Well played, show, well played.

Some Random Vampire: Grabs Damon’s bag of blood, drinks it, stumbles out into the night.

The Plot: Thickens.

A Creepy-Ass Carriage: Trundles down a dark, woodsy path.

Katherine Pierce and Damon Salvatore: Wait for the Creep-Ass Carriage to run them over.

This: Will become much more dramatic when someone invents the internal combustion engine.

Rich Southern Drawl Guy: It ain’t safe out here, ma’am!

Katherine Pierce: Why, no, it isn’t! Fangs!

Rich Southern Drawl Guy: Dies.

Let’s Pretend That This Guy Isn’t A Slave: Also dies.

Katherine Pierce: Is a messy eater, and a sloppy kisser.

Damon Salvatore: Is strangely all right with this.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Cuddly nakedly.

Damon Salvatore: Morning, guys!

Elena Gilbert: Eep! Cover-snatch!

Damon Salvatore: Please, if I see something I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.

Damon Salvatore: Gets all the best lines.

Damon Salvatore: So, you guys look for the journal that will lead us to the Book of Shadows that will lead us to some other McGuffin that will eventually lead us to Katherine. I’m going to go eat someone. Tootles!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Wait for it… wait for it… smooch!

Katherine Pierce and Damon Salvatore: Giggle, tussle, smooch, fangs!

Asian Vampire Chick: So, the townsfolk are hitting up the anti-vampire pot. We’re getting really close to pitchforks-and-torches again. Time to move on?

Katherine Pierce: Pish tosh! I’m not done sullying the Salvatore brothers yet!

Anna No-Last-Name: Sup folks! Bet you never would have guessed that I have a long and torturous past with Katherine and the Salvatores, would you?

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Ow! Sunlight burns!

Anna No-Last-Name: You’re a vampire. And an idiot.

Elena Gilbert: So, do you think Damon’s figured out we’re gonna stab him in the back yet?

Stefan Salvatore: Nah! I’m sure that my evil, deceitful brother, who has a century and a half’s worth of experience lying and detecting lies, trusts me fully.

Elena Gilbert: And if he manages to set Katherine fee?

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, you know. Wholesale slaughter, the end of days, the usual. Also, probably cake. Katherine loves cake.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, look at all the old crap you guys found! It’s almost as old as the journal of our vampire-slaying forefather, which I lent to Alaric “Why No, I’m Not a Vampire Slayer” Saltzman!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Significant look.

Alaric Saltzman: Treats one-hundred-and-fifty year old historical relics with all the care and concern you’d show an old issue of TV Guide.

Creepy Shadow Vampire: Creeps through the shadows.

Alaric Saltzman: Pulls a pneumatic stake launcher out of his school locker.

Thomas: 0_o

Alaric Saltzman: Stake launch!

Stefan Salvatore: Stake catch! Teacher throw! So, what’s with the Van Helsing routine?

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, you know. Wife murdered by vampires, sworn to a life of secrecy and revenge, became a high school history teacher because the girls are hot. The usual.

Stefan Salvatore: The Gilbert journal?

Alaric Saltzman: On my desk.

Stefan Salvatore: No it’s not.

Alaric Saltzman: Oh… poop. sadface

Anna No-Last-Name: Blah blah blah, stilted English, oh creepy he thought my mom was hot, Katherine is going to turn the Salvatore brothers, Damon has daddy issues… God, this diary sucks. Is Jersey Shore on or something?

Damon Salvatore: Cooks dinner for Aunt Jenna.

Aunt Jenna: Hey, have I ever told you how my single defining character trait is talking about my bad romances? See, there was this guy, Logan Fell… Slams a glass of wine.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, yeah, him. They never found his body him, did they? Hey, here, have more wine!

Elena Gilbert: Um…

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, by the way, your brother was totes the guy who ate my wife, and I’m totes going to ram a stake through his dead, black heart.

Stefan Salvatore: You… might want to keep that tidbit to yourself.

Damon Salvatore: So, can I trust Stephan?

Elena Gilbert: What? Why would you say that? That’s crazy talk! Of course you can trust him he’s your brother and he loves you and he would never lie to you and he would certainly never hatch a plan to lock you in a magic witch tomb with your psycho ex vampire lover so that he can finally catch up on Days of Our Lives without worrying about whether or not you’re going to eat the cleaning lady! Nervous laugh.

Damon Salvatore: Well, that was… convincing.

Stefan Salvatore: So, I’m thinking about telling Dad that we’re both shacking up with a vampire.

Damon Salvatore: Our dad, the Founder and President of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, and Treasurer of the “We Hate Vampires” club? That dad? Sure, sounds like a great plan. Idiot.

Aunt Jenna: Your hot boyfriend’s hot brother is hot! And he cooks!

Damon Salvatore: Smirk.

Elena Gilbert: He’s an ass.

Damon Salvatore: Eye roll.

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Sings Metallica Karaoke

Thomas: Has been there, done that.

Bonnie Bennet: I love Elena! I’d like die for her!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: That can be arranged.

Bonnie Bennet: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: So, about the weird hot asian chick that’s always asking about Gilbert the Vampire Slayer’s journal?

Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah, she’s so clingy. She wants to meet at the grill tonight.

Damon Salvatore: Great! I’ll drive!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, that weird hot stalker asian chick looks a lot like Katherine’s vampire friend’s… daughter… OMG WTF?!? Dun dun dun!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, it says here that your father promised to carry the secrets of the Book of Shadows with him to his grave!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, I bet that totally doesn’t mean it’s literally buried in his coffin with him! And there’s no way Damon’s going to go exhuming his body or anything wacky like that!

Stefan Salvatore: So, dad, I was thinking… how do we know vampires are all evil? What if one of them was good? And hot? Like, really, really hot?

Daddy Salvatore: What? Have you any evidence of this foolishness? Have you even met a vampire?

Stefan Salvatore: What? No! Haha! Of course I’ve never met a vampire. And I’ve definitely never wink-wink-ed and nudge-nudge-ed one. Why do you ask? Nervous laugh.

Stefan Salvatore: Holy crap, the Book of Shadows is literally buried in his coffin with him! And we’re going to go exhuming his body or something wacky like that!

Damon Salvatore: Throat grab!

Anna No-Last-Name: Throat grab!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, okay, we both let go on three… two… one…

Stefan Salvatore: You’re hot.

Katherine Pierce: I know. Tackle, smooch, bite! Gag! Anti-vampire pot!

Daddy Salvatore: What ho! Her true form is revealed! You go get the Sheriff! And I shall stand here ineffectively, watching her until she inevitably recovers and murders me!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: So, the night is young and I’m all yours… what do you want to do?

Bonnie Bennet: This! Smooch! Gasp! Freak out and quickly recover!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Wait, what’s wrong?

Bonnie Bennet: Oh, nothing! I just should have waited until the end of the night to kiss you! I totally didn’t have a psychic flash of impending doom and death and woe, like I did the first time I touched Stephan, who is also a vampire! Nervous laugh. Hey, I have to run to the bathroom real quick!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Okay! Oh, and by the way, Fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: Digs up his father’s grave.

Elena Gilbert: Helps by standing by and making inane comments.

Damon Salvatore: Hey guys! That sure is a nice Book of Shadows you got there!

Damon Salvatore: So, since you’re obviously not going to just give me the Book of Shadows… hey Elena, here, drink some of my blood!

Elena Gilbert: Gurgle, cough, sputter!

Damon Salvatore: So… gimme the book, or I snap her neck, which would turn her into a vampire, which wold mean you’d have to put up with her forever.

Stefan Salvatore: Well since you put it that way…

Daddy Salvatore: Slaps a Vampire Chastity Belt over Katherine’s fangs.

Damon Salvatore: Stephan! I’ll never forgive you for this! At least until the second season!

Anna No-Last-Name: Me, either!

Stefan Salvatore: Sadface.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, have you guys seen Anna No-Last-Name?

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what? Super speed Elena protecting vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Is missing.

The Window: Is open conspicuously.

The Plot: Thickens.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Cuddle on Stephan’s bed

Elena Gilbert: So, you know that vampire whose face I didn’t see, and who you’ve never met? Do you know who he is yet?

Stefan Salvatore: No, but I did bring you some anti-min-whammy anti-vampire-pot. I made it into a friendship bracelet!

Elena Gilbert: Squee! You’re the best undead boyfriend that used to date someone that looked exactly like me and killed dozens and dozens of people ever!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hey, your pizza’s here.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, <blink>come on in</blink>, I have to get some cash from my sister.

Thomas: Note: anyone that is ever explicitly invited into the Gilbert household will, in fact, turn out to be a vampire.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Dons a sweatshirt suspiciously similar to the Shadowy Figure of Mystery from Episode Ten and Eleven.

Damon Salvatore: Tears through the Salvatore Library like a vampire looking for a Book of Shadows that will release hit long-lost psycho vampire lover from her eternal tomb.

Stefan Salvatore: So, about you taking my girlfriend to Atlanta…

Damon Salvatore: So, about you being a hundred and sixty three years old and dating a girl that’s still in high school…

Edward Cullen: Oh, burn.

Alaric Saltzman: So, for your essay on how the impossibly high number of “Deaths Due to Animal Mauling and Subsequent Loss of Blood” are actually caused by vampires… you get an ‘A’.

Jeremy Gilbert: Score!

Alaric Saltzman: But you don’t really believe in vampires, do you? Because that would be totally silly and not at all the reason I came to Mystic Falls and oh can I have the diary of your vampire-slaying uncle? Nervous laugh.

Jeremy Gilbert: Um… yes?

Jeremy Gilbert: Score!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, I got you an anti-min-whammy anti-vampire-pot necklace!

Caroline Forbes: A lesbian friendship necklace! It’s what I’ve always wanted!

Elena Gilbert: That’s… not what I said.

The Producer: No, that’s okay, roll with it.

Elena Gilbert: Also, I wanted to tell you that I’m totally cool with you seeing me ex.

Caroline Forbes: Oh, er, um, I was totally going to talk to you about that, but then I didn’t because I was afraid, and also busy being the Designated Blood Donor for every vampire within a hundred miles. Also: Matt Donovan: totally not over you.

Elena Gilbert: Aw, Caroline! I’m with Stephan now! Matt has to move on, and you’d be a great second choice!

Caroline Forbes: …

The Recent Graduate Bartender: So, Matt, what’s up?

Matt Donovan: Oh, nothing, just lamenting the fact that I suck at football and am going to end up working in a bar like you.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Well, thanks for dropping by!

Elena Gilbert: I’m adopted!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m supportive!

Elena Gilbert: I’m going shopping!

Bonnie Bennet: I’ll pay the bill!

Damon Salvatore: I need your help!

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my mind. Fires that kill vampires. Like you.

Thomas: Really, she said “I can start fires with my mind.” She was one word away from making my recaps cannon.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Macho posturing powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Smirks and decides not to kill him. At least not immediately.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Bonnie, you’re hot.

Bonnie Bennet: That’s because I can start fires with my brain!

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: rings

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hey, just calling to let you know that I’m watching you. Get into your car. From across the street.

Elena Gilbert: Please drive faster than a vampire can run, please drive faster than a vampire can run, please drive faster than a vampire can run.

Elena Gilbert: Why is he taunting me like this? Why doesn’t he just get it over with?

Stefan Salvatore: What, are you kidding? Staking your prey, driving them slowly insane with fear, and shattering their every illusion of safety is the best part!

Elena Gilbert: …okay, that was creepy.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, and I brought you your ancestral vampire-compass-cum-pocket-watch. This way, we’ll alway know when you’re in danger!

Thomas: You know how else we’ll know she’s in danger? The big dark scary guy with the fangs.

Caroline Forbes and Matt Donovan: Have a cute moment, Caroline says something dumb, Matt storms off.

Thomas: Knows that this will pay off in a later episode, but really wants someone to get eaten already.

Anna No-Last-Name: Hey so how did you do on the paper and how are you doing in general and hey would you like to hang out tonight and hey would you like to give me babies?

Jeremy Gilbert: So, I was just…. going… elsewhere.

Thomas: Adds Anna No-Last-Name to his character list, even though he knows she’s going to die soon, because she has no last name.

Elena Gilbert: So, I’m going to ignore the ridiculous costume you’re wearing and get right to the point. Me. Adopted. Talk.

Aunt Jenna: So… one night a sixteen year old pregnant girl showed up on your parent’s doorstep and your parents took her in and then she popped you out and then she took off, and your parents really really really wanted a baby and there you were being all baby like and your mom was like “wow, this is so much easier than being pregnant for nine months, let’s just keep this one,” and you’re dad was like “cool,” and he was a doctor so he forged a birth certificate, oh and your mother’s name is Isabel.

Thomas: Elena’s mother’s name is (almost) Bella. Of course.

Stefan Salvatore: So here’s the book you were looking for. I already read through it. It ain’t gonna help. But, I’m so eager to get you out of my town that I’ll help you free Katherine, if that’s what it’ll take.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, right! The old “pretend to help your vampire brother resurrect his vampire girlfriend to gain his trust and absence and also stake him in the back” ploy!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, projecting much?

Elena Gilbert: Does her hair.

Elena Gilbert’s Vampire Compass Pocket Watch: Points toward the vampire creeping up behind her.

The Ominous Music: Is ominous

Elena Gilbert: Calls Stephan.

Damon Salvatore: Stephan’s phone. I’m way hotter than he is. What’s up?

Elena Gilbert: Help please help vampire help compass help scared.

Damon Salvatore: Relax, it’s just my brother. He was heading over to your place, and forgot his phone. It’s not like there’s a creepy ass pizza delivery vampire hanging on your ceiling.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Is hanging on the ceiling.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Fangs! Throat lunge!

Stefan Salvatore: Chivalrous rage of chivalry powers activate!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Super-fast vampire running away powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Tremble.

Stefan Salvatore: Comfort.

Thomas: He is so getting some tonight.

Stefan Salvatore: So what do we do?

Damon Salvatore: Simple, use your girlfriend as bait, lure the CAPDV out, and kill him until he’s dead.

Elena Gilbert: Works for me!

The Big Bopper: Is played.

Hair: Is poofy.

Poodle Skirts: Are worn.

Alaric Saltzman: Still has his Letterman’s Jacket

Caroline Forbes: So… Damon’s here. You having a threesome, Elena?

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: No.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Pout.

Aunt Jenna: Hey Alaric, did I tell you about this personality quirk I have, where I have to discuss painful relationship trauma every time I go on an almost-date? Speaking of, what’s the deal with your dead wife?

Thomas: Head. Desk.

Damon Salvatore: Can’t get a date for the dance. Sadface.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Sway to the music.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Shows up wearing his hoodie. This is supposed to be intimidating.

Anna No-Last-Name: Shows up at the school dance.

Jeremy Gilbert: Totally calls her out for acting like they’re dating when they’re not.

Thomas: Is impressed.

Bonnie Bennet: The hot bartender is hot!

Caroline Forbes: Please. People that work in bars are so classless.

Matt Donovan: Hey, what’s up. coughbitchcough

Alaric Saltzman: Hey… Damon, was it? So, how’s your brother doing? You live here your whole life? Travel much? Where do you go? Why did you kill my wife? Did you try the punch?

Damon Salvatore: Wait… what was that last bit?

Alaric Saltzman: The punch? It’s great. Don’t tell anyone, but I think someone spiked it with anti-vampire pot.

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, do you like karaoke?

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Nope.

Bonnie Bennet: 🙁

The Recent Graduate Bartender: But I do like you.

Bonnie Bennet: 😀

Caroline Forbes: Matt, why are you avoiding me?

Matt Donovan: Oh, I don’t know, could it be that you somehow manage to say something that demeans me every time you open your mouth?

Anna No-Last-Name: Hey, can I borrow your vampire-hunting uncle’s vampire hunting journal? I need it I need it I need it!

Jeremy Gilbert: Sorry, I loaned it to my vampire-hunting history teacher.

Anna No-Last-Name: Almost fangs!

Thomas: Did not see that coming.

Elena Gilbert: Teach me to dance like they did in the 50’s!

Stefan Salvatore: I’m thinking: no.

Elena Gilbert: Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, fine. Twirl, toss, throw, smooch!

Thomas: Is pretty sure he could pull that off. Judo is good for something.

Anna No-Last-Name and the Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Are working together!

The Plot: Is not allowed to thicken yet. Wait till the end of the recap.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Stalks out of the gymnasium.

Stefan Salvatore: Pursues.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Was a decoy!

The Real Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Threatens Elena’s brother to get her to leave the crowd.

Elena Gilbert: Tries to outrun a guy that can outrun a car.

Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Fang block! Stake toss! Jack Bauer impersonation! Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire staking powers activate!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Dies.

Anna No-Last-Name: Sadface.

Alaric Saltzman: Shockedface

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Alaric Saltzman: Iiiiiiiii have anti-vampire pooooooooooooot.</van-helsing>

Caroline Forbes: We need to talk!

Matt Donovan: I don’t want to ruin out friendship.

Thomas: 0_o

Caroline Forbes: You don’t want to ruin out friendship! Fine! It’s ruined!

Thomas: 0_o

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, thanks for letting me vent about my dead ex-wife. Hey, did I mention that her name is Isabel? You know, like Elena’s biological mother?

Thomas: 0_o

Matt Donovan: Caroline, wait!

Caroline Forbes: :-p

Matt Donovan: Smooch!

Elena Gilbert: That was exciting!

Stefan Salvatore: Sure was. You know what’s going to be even more exciting? When we trick my brother into believing he can trust us, and pretend to help him free Katherine, and then it backfires on us, and we really do free Katherine, and she eats the entire town!

Elena Gilbert: You’re so hot!

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Locks up.

Anna No-Last-Name: Fangs!

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Fangs!

Anna No-Last-Name and The Recent Graduate Bartender: Smooch!

The Plot: Thickens.