Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Cuddle on Stephan’s bed

Elena Gilbert: So, you know that vampire whose face I didn’t see, and who you’ve never met? Do you know who he is yet?

Stefan Salvatore: No, but I did bring you some anti-min-whammy anti-vampire-pot. I made it into a friendship bracelet!

Elena Gilbert: Squee! You’re the best undead boyfriend that used to date someone that looked exactly like me and killed dozens and dozens of people ever!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hey, your pizza’s here.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, <blink>come on in</blink>, I have to get some cash from my sister.

Thomas: Note: anyone that is ever explicitly invited into the Gilbert household will, in fact, turn out to be a vampire.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Dons a sweatshirt suspiciously similar to the Shadowy Figure of Mystery from Episode Ten and Eleven.

Damon Salvatore: Tears through the Salvatore Library like a vampire looking for a Book of Shadows that will release hit long-lost psycho vampire lover from her eternal tomb.

Stefan Salvatore: So, about you taking my girlfriend to Atlanta…

Damon Salvatore: So, about you being a hundred and sixty three years old and dating a girl that’s still in high school…

Edward Cullen: Oh, burn.

Alaric Saltzman: So, for your essay on how the impossibly high number of “Deaths Due to Animal Mauling and Subsequent Loss of Blood” are actually caused by vampires… you get an ‘A’.

Jeremy Gilbert: Score!

Alaric Saltzman: But you don’t really believe in vampires, do you? Because that would be totally silly and not at all the reason I came to Mystic Falls and oh can I have the diary of your vampire-slaying uncle? Nervous laugh.

Jeremy Gilbert: Um… yes?

Jeremy Gilbert: Score!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, I got you an anti-min-whammy anti-vampire-pot necklace!

Caroline Forbes: A lesbian friendship necklace! It’s what I’ve always wanted!

Elena Gilbert: That’s… not what I said.

The Producer: No, that’s okay, roll with it.

Elena Gilbert: Also, I wanted to tell you that I’m totally cool with you seeing me ex.

Caroline Forbes: Oh, er, um, I was totally going to talk to you about that, but then I didn’t because I was afraid, and also busy being the Designated Blood Donor for every vampire within a hundred miles. Also: Matt Donovan: totally not over you.

Elena Gilbert: Aw, Caroline! I’m with Stephan now! Matt has to move on, and you’d be a great second choice!

Caroline Forbes: …

The Recent Graduate Bartender: So, Matt, what’s up?

Matt Donovan: Oh, nothing, just lamenting the fact that I suck at football and am going to end up working in a bar like you.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Well, thanks for dropping by!

Elena Gilbert: I’m adopted!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m supportive!

Elena Gilbert: I’m going shopping!

Bonnie Bennet: I’ll pay the bill!

Damon Salvatore: I need your help!

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my mind. Fires that kill vampires. Like you.

Thomas: Really, she said “I can start fires with my mind.” She was one word away from making my recaps cannon.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Macho posturing powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Smirks and decides not to kill him. At least not immediately.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Bonnie, you’re hot.

Bonnie Bennet: That’s because I can start fires with my brain!

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: rings

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hey, just calling to let you know that I’m watching you. Get into your car. From across the street.

Elena Gilbert: Please drive faster than a vampire can run, please drive faster than a vampire can run, please drive faster than a vampire can run.

Elena Gilbert: Why is he taunting me like this? Why doesn’t he just get it over with?

Stefan Salvatore: What, are you kidding? Staking your prey, driving them slowly insane with fear, and shattering their every illusion of safety is the best part!

Elena Gilbert: …okay, that was creepy.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, and I brought you your ancestral vampire-compass-cum-pocket-watch. This way, we’ll alway know when you’re in danger!

Thomas: You know how else we’ll know she’s in danger? The big dark scary guy with the fangs.

Caroline Forbes and Matt Donovan: Have a cute moment, Caroline says something dumb, Matt storms off.

Thomas: Knows that this will pay off in a later episode, but really wants someone to get eaten already.

Anna No-Last-Name: Hey so how did you do on the paper and how are you doing in general and hey would you like to hang out tonight and hey would you like to give me babies?

Jeremy Gilbert: So, I was just…. going… elsewhere.

Thomas: Adds Anna No-Last-Name to his character list, even though he knows she’s going to die soon, because she has no last name.

Elena Gilbert: So, I’m going to ignore the ridiculous costume you’re wearing and get right to the point. Me. Adopted. Talk.

Aunt Jenna: So… one night a sixteen year old pregnant girl showed up on your parent’s doorstep and your parents took her in and then she popped you out and then she took off, and your parents really really really wanted a baby and there you were being all baby like and your mom was like “wow, this is so much easier than being pregnant for nine months, let’s just keep this one,” and you’re dad was like “cool,” and he was a doctor so he forged a birth certificate, oh and your mother’s name is Isabel.

Thomas: Elena’s mother’s name is (almost) Bella. Of course.

Stefan Salvatore: So here’s the book you were looking for. I already read through it. It ain’t gonna help. But, I’m so eager to get you out of my town that I’ll help you free Katherine, if that’s what it’ll take.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, right! The old “pretend to help your vampire brother resurrect his vampire girlfriend to gain his trust and absence and also stake him in the back” ploy!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, projecting much?

Elena Gilbert: Does her hair.

Elena Gilbert’s Vampire Compass Pocket Watch: Points toward the vampire creeping up behind her.

The Ominous Music: Is ominous

Elena Gilbert: Calls Stephan.

Damon Salvatore: Stephan’s phone. I’m way hotter than he is. What’s up?

Elena Gilbert: Help please help vampire help compass help scared.

Damon Salvatore: Relax, it’s just my brother. He was heading over to your place, and forgot his phone. It’s not like there’s a creepy ass pizza delivery vampire hanging on your ceiling.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Is hanging on the ceiling.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Fangs! Throat lunge!

Stefan Salvatore: Chivalrous rage of chivalry powers activate!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Super-fast vampire running away powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Tremble.

Stefan Salvatore: Comfort.

Thomas: He is so getting some tonight.

Stefan Salvatore: So what do we do?

Damon Salvatore: Simple, use your girlfriend as bait, lure the CAPDV out, and kill him until he’s dead.

Elena Gilbert: Works for me!

The Big Bopper: Is played.

Hair: Is poofy.

Poodle Skirts: Are worn.

Alaric Saltzman: Still has his Letterman’s Jacket

Caroline Forbes: So… Damon’s here. You having a threesome, Elena?

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: No.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Pout.

Aunt Jenna: Hey Alaric, did I tell you about this personality quirk I have, where I have to discuss painful relationship trauma every time I go on an almost-date? Speaking of, what’s the deal with your dead wife?

Thomas: Head. Desk.

Damon Salvatore: Can’t get a date for the dance. Sadface.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Sway to the music.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Shows up wearing his hoodie. This is supposed to be intimidating.

Anna No-Last-Name: Shows up at the school dance.

Jeremy Gilbert: Totally calls her out for acting like they’re dating when they’re not.

Thomas: Is impressed.

Bonnie Bennet: The hot bartender is hot!

Caroline Forbes: Please. People that work in bars are so classless.

Matt Donovan: Hey, what’s up. coughbitchcough

Alaric Saltzman: Hey… Damon, was it? So, how’s your brother doing? You live here your whole life? Travel much? Where do you go? Why did you kill my wife? Did you try the punch?

Damon Salvatore: Wait… what was that last bit?

Alaric Saltzman: The punch? It’s great. Don’t tell anyone, but I think someone spiked it with anti-vampire pot.

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, do you like karaoke?

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Nope.

Bonnie Bennet: 🙁

The Recent Graduate Bartender: But I do like you.

Bonnie Bennet: 😀

Caroline Forbes: Matt, why are you avoiding me?

Matt Donovan: Oh, I don’t know, could it be that you somehow manage to say something that demeans me every time you open your mouth?

Anna No-Last-Name: Hey, can I borrow your vampire-hunting uncle’s vampire hunting journal? I need it I need it I need it!

Jeremy Gilbert: Sorry, I loaned it to my vampire-hunting history teacher.

Anna No-Last-Name: Almost fangs!

Thomas: Did not see that coming.

Elena Gilbert: Teach me to dance like they did in the 50’s!

Stefan Salvatore: I’m thinking: no.

Elena Gilbert: Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, fine. Twirl, toss, throw, smooch!

Thomas: Is pretty sure he could pull that off. Judo is good for something.

Anna No-Last-Name and the Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Are working together!

The Plot: Is not allowed to thicken yet. Wait till the end of the recap.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Stalks out of the gymnasium.

Stefan Salvatore: Pursues.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Was a decoy!

The Real Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Threatens Elena’s brother to get her to leave the crowd.

Elena Gilbert: Tries to outrun a guy that can outrun a car.

Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Fang block! Stake toss! Jack Bauer impersonation! Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire staking powers activate!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Dies.

Anna No-Last-Name: Sadface.

Alaric Saltzman: Shockedface

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Alaric Saltzman: Iiiiiiiii have anti-vampire pooooooooooooot.</van-helsing>

Caroline Forbes: We need to talk!

Matt Donovan: I don’t want to ruin out friendship.

Thomas: 0_o

Caroline Forbes: You don’t want to ruin out friendship! Fine! It’s ruined!

Thomas: 0_o

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, thanks for letting me vent about my dead ex-wife. Hey, did I mention that her name is Isabel? You know, like Elena’s biological mother?

Thomas: 0_o

Matt Donovan: Caroline, wait!

Caroline Forbes: :-p

Matt Donovan: Smooch!

Elena Gilbert: That was exciting!

Stefan Salvatore: Sure was. You know what’s going to be even more exciting? When we trick my brother into believing he can trust us, and pretend to help him free Katherine, and then it backfires on us, and we really do free Katherine, and she eats the entire town!

Elena Gilbert: You’re so hot!

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Locks up.

Anna No-Last-Name: Fangs!

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Fangs!

Anna No-Last-Name and The Recent Graduate Bartender: Smooch!

The Plot: Thickens.

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, I know you probably thought it was creepy, the way I had a photograph of a woman from a hundred and forty years ago that looks exactly like you, who also happens to be a vampire, and also also happens to be the vampire that made me into a stud vampire, but if you just come back I can totally mind whammy you explain everything.

Shadowy Figure of Mystery: lurks in the middle of the road

Elena Gilbert: smack! car flip! head trauma!

Shadowy Figure of Mystery: Well that was momentarily inconvenient. stalks hungrily

Elena Gilbert: Aieeeee!

Shadowy Figure of Mystery: runs away

Damon Salvatore: knight in tarnished armor powers activate!

Alaric Saltzman: writes emo in his journal on his computer, dons a sweater that looks oddly like the one worn by the Shadowy Figure of Mystery, and flashes back to happier times when his wife wasn’t missing or dead or a Republican or whatever her trauma is.

Damon Salvatore: Road trip!

Elena Gilbert: WTF? Where are we?

Damon Salvatore: Georgia!

Elena Gilbert: WTF? OMG I was in a car wreck and I hit a guy except he wasn’t a guy he was like immortal or something and that surprises me even though I’m riding in a car with a vampire and no one knows where I am and I lost my cell phone and I need my cell phone because I’m a teenage girl and it’s like a law or something and OMG and emo and stop the car now please!

Damon Salvatore: Wow. You were way more fun when you were unconscious.

Elena Gilbert: pout

Damon Salvatore: Hey, is that a bare neck where your magic anti-mind-whammy necklace used to be? You know, I could totally make you more… agreeable… right now.

Damon Salvatore: is able to consistently out-creeper Edward Cullen

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: rings

Elena Gilbert: Hey that’s my phone gimme gimme gimme!

Damon Salvatore: Sure, here you go. It’s Stephan.

Elena Gilbert: Never mind, you keep it. sulk

Damon Salvatore: smirk

Stefan Salvatore: phone smash!

Elena Gilbert: Really, I want to go home now.

Damon Salvatore: Come on, babe! Live a little! There’s this great BBQ joint right outside of Atlanta.

Elena Gilbert: Can I trust you not to mind-whammy me?

Damon Salvatore: innocent whistle

Alaric Saltzman: Oh noes, I have lost my magic ring of not exploding in the sunlight! Yet I am walking around in the sunlight! Perhaps the guy who was not a vampire in the books is not a vampire in the series, either!

Fans of the Books: put down their torches and pitchforks. but keep them close by

Stefan Salvatore: So, awkward attempt at small talk aside, can you use your witch-powers to make sure my girlfriend isn’t being eaten by my psycho brother?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch!

Thomas: God, that girl is annoying.

Bonnie Bennet: Wait, my powers aren’t working! I’m not a witch!

Thomas: Oh please, please let this be true. (hint: it isn’t)

Elena Gilbert: You brought me to a bar? In Georgia?

Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: Damon? Smooch! Shots all around! Also, like every African-American woman on the show, I’m a witch!

Thomas: expletive deleted

Jeremy Gilbert and Anna No-Last-Name: meet cute

Cute Young Murder Victim Clock: starts ticking

Bonnie Bennet: Help help help my brain powers are gone!

Grandma Bennet: Oh honey, you’re just blocked up. You need to clear yourself out.

Bonnie Bennet: You mean, like a bran muffin?

Damon Salvatore: So, can you help me break into Katherine’s tomb?

Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: Sorry, babe, that tomb is sealed up for time and eternity, no way to get in, and no way to get out.

Bonnie Bennet: takes a walk through the woods, falls down a mine shaft and into Katherine’s tomb

Thomas: head. desk.

Elena Gilbert: So, if I’m related to Katherine, does that make me part vampire?

Damon Salvatore: No, vampires can’t procreate. But we love to try.

Thomas: Best. Quote. Ever.

Damon Salvatore: By the way, I can totally eat pickles, because blood makes my body work pretty much like a living human’s. </interesting-mythology-moment>

Elena Gilbert: makes a whiskey face when she drinks beer

Stefan Salvatore: rescues Bonnie

Bonnie Bennet: I’m alive!

Thomas: Yeah, yeah, we know. grumble

Elena Gilbert: Whoo I am the queen of shots whoo! One more round!

Damon Salvatore: 0_o

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: wanders casually into the bar

Elena Gilbert: Whoo I am the queen of pool whoo!

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: kidnap!

Damon Salvatore: search!

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: ambush! You killed my girlfriend, who the readers may know as Lexi, Stephan’s hot naked friend from out of town!

Elena Gilbert: No, please, do not hurt the lying, murdering, evil psychopath with the wind-blown hair and soulful eyes!

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: Very well, human girl I’ve known for all of twenty seconds, you have changed my mind! Vengeance is for… vengeful… people. Away!

Damon Salvatore: So, Bree, about that guy you brought in to kill me…

Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: So, um, I can totally help you get your psycho ex out of her tomb if you’ll just let me live oh and I spiked my drink with anti-vampire pot so you can’t eat me!

Damon Salvatore: Duly noted. rips her heart out of her chest. literally

Thomas: standing ovation

Elena Gilbert: So, about this crazy vampire chick that looks exactly like me and that you’re probably thinking about when we’re wink wink-ing and nudge nudge-ing…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, did I mention how I was there the day your parents died, and I’m the one who pulled you out of the car, and how I tried to save your parents, too, but I was too late? And then I went all Edward Cullen on you to make sure you weren’t really my psycho vampire ex come back from the un-un-dead?

Elena Gilbert: Then why do I look so much like her?

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, you didn’t know? You were adopted. Surprise!

Elena Gilbert: weep

Stefan Salvatore: comfort

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: smooch!

Flashback time!

Damon Salvatore: snacks on Alaric Saltzman’s wife

Alaric Saltzman: looks on in impotent rage

The Plot: thickens

Aunt Jenna: Look, (Probably a Vampire) Logan, I just told Hot New English Teacher Guy that he couldn’t come inside tonight, and there’s no way I’m inviting you in, either.

Thomas: You tell him, Jenna. Or at least keep him distracted while I move Logan’s name off of my “characters that are dead, and thus irrelevant” list.

Logan Fell: Oh, come on, we both know you have no self esteem, and you’ll do what any reasonably attractive guy tells you to do.

Aunt Jenna: So, insults? Not a turn on, as such. door slam!

Logan Fell: Curses! Fortunately, there’s an old man…er, a nubile young jogger, upon whom to quench my insatiable thirst! fangs!

Nubile Young Jogger: dies

Jeremy Gilbert: reads his grandfather’s worn old journal filled with emo poetry, occult symbols, and drawings of monsters. This inspires him to break out his sketch book, also filled with drawings of monsters. Well, at least The Count, from Sesame Street.

Annoyingly Happy Music: starts playing

The Director: would like to remind you that Elena is hot.

Aunt Jenna: So, what’s up with your hot boyfriend?

Elena Gilbert: He’s leaving town, and I stopped asking him questions. His answers are scary.

Thomas: Odds that this statement comes up when Elena inevitably starts sleeping with Stefan? Very high.

Aunt Jenna: Oh, by the way, Logan dropped by. Don’t invite him in, he’ll eat you.

Damon Salvatore: So, brother, where are we headed?

Stefan Salvatore: I am getting as far away from your best-friend murdering, Uncle’s neck snapping, teenager-eating, evil ass as possible.

Damon Salvatore: sadface

Sheriff Forbes: Hi, boys! So, that vampire you killed? Not the only one. Someone got themselves eaten last night. Help us help us we’re weak and afraid please help?

Damon Salvatore: WTF?

Stefan Salvatore: WTF?

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: flirt flirtatiously

Tyler Lockwood: looks on grumpily

Bonnie Bennet: So, I’m sort of grateful to Stefan, for saving my life and all.

Elena Gilbert: Yeah, well, I’ll pass that along, if I ever see him again, which I won’t because he doesn’t love me and he’s leaving town and oh emo.

Bonnie Bennet: Thank God, I hated that freak!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: You said no more killing!

Damon Salvatore: Bro, chill! It wasn’t me. Though the presence of another vampire does conveniently rule out your plan to skip town, doesn’t it?

Random Blond Chick We’ll Never See Again: walks across the school yard with Elena, to make it seem like there are more than ten people in Mystic Falls.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Elena! Just dropped by to squeeze your wounded heart a little. Also, new vampire in town, get home before dark. Tootles!

Damon Salvatore: gets Caroline Forbes to use the Magic Vampire Compass to track the Evil Careless Jogger Eater, then Dracula-eyes her into leaving, because she’s vapid and annoying. So, mostly what I’m saying is that I’m a fan of Damon.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you know what’s better than picking a lock? Ripping the door off the hinges.

Logan Fell: So, thanks for turning me into a vampire. Jerk. gunshots!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, totally wasn’t me. I don’t even like you. No way I want to spend eternity with you. Also: real nice, leaving that body lying around.

Logan Fell: What? I got tired! I’ve been careful with the rest. Look, I hid them in the back of this warehouse, right over there, in plain sight.

Damon Salvatore: facepalm

Mystic Falls High School: Welcome to Career Day! Your options include: Sports Star, Joining the Military, or Being Stuck in This Lame Town Forever, Cursing the Day You Were Born. Choose carefully!

Elena Gilbert, Matt Donovan, Stefan Salvatore, and Caroline Forbes: are doing their best to form an It Was All Just A Big Mistake Love Rectangle. This thing is more complicated than Voltron.

Logan Fell: So, I’m all emo now, and I want to know how you can walk in the sun when I can’t, because that’s not in the journals we Watchers all pass around, and also, more gunshots!

Damon Salvatore: Ouch.

Stefan Salvatore: So, speaking of career fairs, I have a lot of interests that I’m only going to mention vaguely, so that the writers don’t have to think of them.

Elena Gilbert: But you didn’t love anything enough to stick with it?

Thomas: Oh, burn.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, no, I loved it all, but I have to skip town before anyone can notice I’m not getting any older.

Elena Gilbert: So you always ditch after a little while?

Stefan Salvatore: Haha, yeah, I’m never in one place for very long.

Thomas: Bro, subtext. The girl is not talking about your career!

Stefan Salvatore: So, what are your plans?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, you know, growing old, becoming a withered husk, dying alone and miserable.

Aunt Jenna: Hey guys! Logan’s here!

Stefan Salvatore: Huh, that’s odd, what with him being dead and all. Elena, why don’t you take your Aunt out for ice cream while I kill the nice vampire.

Logan Fell: I wanna walk in the day! Tell me how, or I’ll expose you on TV,

Stefan Salvatore: Son, I was eating people before you were in diapers. Step off.

Elena Gilbert: So, this is going to sound strange, but don’t ever talk to Logan again. For serious. If you do, you’re totally grounded.

Aunt Jenna: But I’m twenty!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi, hot girl I met at the bar!

Elena Gilbert: Good! Talk to this guy! There’s nothing odd or creepy about him at all!

Aunt Jenna: Okay!

Damon Salvatore: So, Logan’s the vampire, I got shot, and I’m angry. Also, shirtless.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: squee!

Jacob “Abs” Black: I did that first.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: squee!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Caroline Forbes: I’m totally into broadcast journalism now, even though I’ve never shown even the slightest interest before this very moment! And I totally need a ride home! If only a dashing broadcast journalist would drive by and offer me a ride! Also, it’s been a real long time since a vampire has snacked on me…

Logan Fell: Hey, Caroline! Would you like a ride home from a dashing broadcast journalist?

Caroline Forbes: Boy, would I!

Thomas: facepalm

Logan Fell: smashes Caroline’s head against the window, leaving a bloody smear.

Thomas: did not see that coming.

Caroline Forbes: is apparently this town’s Designated Donor, now that Vicki’s dead.

Mayor Lockwood: tries to start his own little Fight Club, with his son Logan and Jeremy Gilbert.

Alaric Saltzman: So, this is totally not cool, bro.

Mayor Lockwood: Do I look like one of your students?

Alaric Saltzman: No, you look like a full-grown, alpha-male douche bag.

Thomas: is now a member of Team Alaric.

Thomas: is now also a member of Team Alaric Needs to Change His Name to Something Less Gay.

Logan Fell: So Sheriff, thanks for leaving me to get eaten and vamped. Your daughter is about to join me! </cell-phone>

Stefan Salvatore: emo newborn vampire interrupting powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: gunshots!

Stefan Salvatore: innocent young girl taking away powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: So, who turned you?

Logan Fell: No idea, but I can totally help you get into the tomb where your psycho evil vampire ex girlfriend is trapped.

Damon Salvatore: Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Tyler Lockwood: punches out Jeremy Gilbert

Jeremy Gilbert: What is your problem, man?

Tyler Lockwood: I don’t know!

The Full Moon: hangs conspicuously in the background

Stefan Salvatore: I have to leave! I’m doing it for your own good!

Elena Gilbert: Screw that! You don’t get to make my decisions for me!

Bella Swan: I know what all of those words mean, but when you put them together in that order, they stop making sense…

Elena Gilbert: I love you, Stefan! passionate kiss!

Stefan Salvatore: I love you, Elena! fangs! shame!

Elena Gilbert: Don’t hide from me! I think your bloodshot, veiny eyes are hot!

Stefan Salvatore: Score!

Elena Gilbert: Tasteful almost-nudity now?

Stefan Salvatore: Yes please.

Edward Cullen: This is not appropriate!

Stefan Salvatore: You know, he’s right.

The Screen: fades appropriately to black

Logan Fell: stalks from his secret warehouse hideout

A Mysterious Crashing Noise: crashes mysteriously

Alaric Saltzman: appears suddenly

Logan Fell: fangs!

Alaric Saltzman: stake!

Thomas: moves Logan back to the “characters that are dead, and thus irrelevant” list

Team Alaric: confirmed

Stefan Salvatore: So, now that you’re appropriately wearing my shirt, are you thirsty?

Elena Gilbert: Kinda. You? Oh, nevermind. neck cover

Stefan Salvatore: Well, I’m going to go get you something to drink. Why don’t you look around at all my stuff. The photo of the girl I’m obsessed with, that looks exactly freaking like you, is on the desk. See you in a minute!

Elena Gilbert: OMG! This photo of the girl Stefan is obsessed with looks exactly freaking like me! storms off

Sheriff Forbes: Hey Damon, we found Logan’s body. Thanks!

Damon Salvatore: WTF? sadface

Stefan Salvatore: finds the locket he gave Elena sitting on top of Katherine’s picture

Stefan Salvatore: Well that didn’t go how I expected.

Elena Gilbert: drives weepily, runs over a vampire

Mysterious Vampire: cracks his limbs back into place, stalks towards Elena

Elena Gilbert: terrified shriek

The Screen: cuts to black.

The Vampire Diaries: is on hiatus for the next eight weeks

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: anguished cry

Bonnie Bennet: sees the Ghost of Emily Bennet wandering through her school, and gets up to follow her.

Bonnie’s Math Teacher: is totally okay with this

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, um, how did we end up in a cemetery in the middle of the woods, near the ruins of the Salvatore homestead?

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: This is where it all started, and this is where it has to end. And if you don’t help me, I’m totally going to go all Samara Morgan on you.

Bonnie Bennet: wakes up; the romp through the woods was just a dream. No, wait! Waking up in math class was just a dream! Bonnie wakes up in the woods. For real this time.

Thomas: is confused. And slightly bored. Can Damon eat somebody now, please?

Annoying History Teacher: has been replaced by Alaric Saltzman, who is approximately six months older than the kids he’s teaching. He probably has a triple Doctorate.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan, sorry I killed your hot friend from out of town last episode. I brought you Starbucks, we cool?

Alaric Saltzman: So Jeremy, Annoying History Teacher left me a Jackass File, of which you were the primary topic. Also, you have no hope of passing. Want to do some extra credit?

Jeremy Gilbert: Boy do I!

Alaric Saltzman: Sweet. Why don’t you go write me a history paper about vampires in Mystic Falls? Also: how do you like my Magic Don’t Explode in the Sunlight ring?

Matt Donovan: Hey. chin nod

Caroline Forbes: Hey? Hey! Is that the best you can do? We spent the night together! We cuddled! And I’m not letting guys walk all over me any more! (Unless they can do that whole Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes</dracula> thing. That kind of sucks.)

Matt Donovan: So, drama queen much?

Stefan Salvatore: So, I took your advice and didn’t murder my brother. Also, I’m not coming to school any more, and we totally can’t see each other.

Elena Gilbert: lip-tremble, grr

Stefan Salvatore: You’re mad. Good. It’ll be easier if you hate me.

Elena Gilbert: wants him even more now

Damon Salvatore: Hey Bonnie, have I shown you my sexy-but-creepy, helpful-but-threatening routine? It’s epic. Also, gimme my necklace!

Elena Gilbert: So what are you going to do about this necklace?

Bonnie Bennet: throws the necklace into the woods

Elena Gilbert: Well okay then.

Aunt Jenna: Wow, the hot new history teacher is hot.

Jeremy Gilbert: I can introduce you, we’re old buddies.

Aunt Jenna: Nah, that’s okay, every guy I date ends up getting eaten by vampires, and I’d like to keep him around for a few episodes.

Elena Gilbert: So what’s Damon want with this necklace?

Stefan Salvatore: I’ll get it out of him. goes looking for implements of torture

Stefan Salvatore: So, the bottle?

Damon Salvatore: Look, I can either drink blood, or tequila. You pick.

Stefan Salvatore: One more round, then?

Caroline Forbes: So I decided you can keep the Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom.

Bonnie Bennet: Aw, thanks, Caroline! BTW, I threw it into the woods this afternoon.

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: I’m baaaaaaaack! dun dun dun!

Bonnie Bennet: So, I’m a witch.

Caroline Forbes: Wow, you got that right!

Bonnie Bennet: No, the other kind of witch! The one that’s Psychic, and can start fires with her brain!

Aunt Jenna: Well, looks like Jeremy totally ditched me.

Alaric Saltzman: That hardly seems like him…

Jeremy Gilbert: Help! I’ve been struck over the head, bound, gagged, and placed in my Aunt Jenna’s trunk!</muffled-cry-for-help>

Aunt Jenna: So, wanna hook up?

Alaric Saltzman: No, let’s have an awkward conversation about our failed romantic exploits first.

Aunt Jenna: That’s a great idea! I left town because my boyfriend cheated on me. Then he got eaten by vampires!

Alaric Saltzman: Bummer. My wife got murdered, and the case was never solved. But I’m totally not the guy who did it.

Aunt Jenna: Well okay then. Do you watch sports?

Caroline Forbes: So I totally don’t believe in the supernatural, despite the fact that my short-term boyrfriend and current stalker is a vampire, but let’s do a seance anyway, and see what The Ghost of Emily Bennet wants.

Thomas: This is bound to end well.

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: flame geyser, window slam, power out!

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: vanishes

Vampire Football: gets played

Stefan and Damon Salvatore: lay in the grass, gazing up at the stars

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Seriously, guys, just kiss already.

Stefan Salvatore: So, about the Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom…?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, no biggie, just going to use it to resurrect the vampire that sired us, and drove us apart. And who happens to look exactly like Elena. And was probably the epitome of evil and insanity.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, okay then.

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: Hey, Bonnie, here I am, laying on the bathroom rug… why don’t you come and pick me up?

Bonnie Bennet: Okay! doors slam, lights flicker

Elena Gilbert and Caroline Forbes: Oh my God, are you okay?

Bonnie Bennet: Yep, perfectly fine, and totally not possessed by the Ghost of Emily Bennet, why would you ask that?

Damon Salvatore: So, long story short, Katherine isn’t dead, she was sealed up inside a tomb by Pre-Ghost Emily Bennet’s magic. There was that whole thing with the comet, and the crystal, and blah blah blah, I’m going to get Bonnie to release her somehow. Also, Katherine hasn’t eaten in a hundred and fifty years… how do you think she’s feeling right about now?

Stefan Salvatore: Huh. I see nothing wrong with this plan whatsoever.

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: I’m off to Fell’s Church to destroy the crystal!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, The Ghost of Emily Bennet is off to Fell’s Church to destroy the crystal!

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, The Ghost of… hey, where did you go?

Damon Salvatore: Gimme the crystal!

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: I can throw vampires with my brain!

Damon Salvatore: Wow, being impaled on a tree branch kind of sucks.

Alaric Saltzman and Aunt Jenna: trade “I’m so pathetic” stories. Alaric stands outside the door, pining like a puppy, waiting for Aunt Jenna to invite him in.

Aunt Jenna: Sorry, no invite for you. Kids in my care, and all.

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, come on, you aren’t any older than we are.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty!

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: So, I not only entombed Katherine, but twenty-seven other vampires, and if we set them free, they’ll pretty much eat the entire town.

Damon Salvatore: I’m cool with that.

Stefan Salvatore: Me, not so much.

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: Me, either. Kick-ass flaming pentagram powers activate!

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: goes boom

Damon Salvatore: Noooooooo!</vader>

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: de-possesses Bonnie.

Damon Salvatore: eats Bonnie anyway

Stefan Salvatore: It’s okay, I can save her with my blood!

Elena Gilbert: I cannot believe you just swapped fluids with my best fiend.

Matt Donovan: So, Caroline, I just dropped by to tell you that I don’t like you, but when we… cuddled… the other night… well, it made me… happy… and… I like being happy… and…

Thomas: facepalm

Damon Salvatore: mopes, decides to leave town

Bonnie Bennet: freaks out, hides in the car

Elena Gilbert: totally wants to bang Stefan

Stefan Salvatore: totally gets off on playing hard to get

The Closing Montage: Consists of mopey, weepy vampires and mopey, weepy high school girls.

Logan Fell: Hey, Aunt Jenna, I’m back from the dead. Aren’t you going to invite me in?

The Plot: thickens

Stefan Salvatore: slumbers peacefully in his study, when he awakes to a ghostly, echoing voice, a mysteriously open window, and a shadowy figure flighting through his house, Menacingly.

The Shadowy Figure: bum rushes Stefan, takes him to the ground, and mounts him.

Stefan Salvatore: oh, hey babe.

Lexi: Surprise birthday tackle!

Stefan Salvatore and Lexi: are apparently having a tickle fight, and reminiscing about the weekend they partied with Bon Jovi. They also mention that the Magic Don’t Make Me Explode in the Sunlight rings are apparently keyed to a single owner, and that Damon is a canine of female persuasion.

Sheriff Forbes: So, anyone know where Vicki went off to?

Everyone in Mystic Falls: Hey, have you seen our impersonation of a stone wall? It’s really good!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, people get hurt and die around you, and that-

Bella Swan: -is so hot, am I right?

Elena Gilbert: Um, no, I was going for “creepy, dangerous, and wrong,” but whatever turns your crank.

Damon Salvatore: Why don’t you want to sleep with me like all the other girls?

Lexi: Um, have you met you? You’re a jerk.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, come on. goes in for the kiss

Lexi: throat grab! Bad touch. Do. Not. Want.

Thomas: Lexi: my new favorite vampire.

Bonnie and Grandma Bennet: blah blah blah, witches are awesome, and this ugly amulet is going to be Very Important in a latter episode. Also, I’m still psychic.

Aunt Jenna: looks twelve again.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty!

Thomas: Whatever.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, could you guys complain about boys a little quieter? I’m trying to study over here.

Elena Gilbert and Aunt Jenna: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Hey, here’s a stash of anti-vampire pot.

Sheriff Forbes: Awesome! Let me tell you everything I know about the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council!

Bonnie Bennet: Are you going to stay in bed all day?

Elena Gilbert: Yep.

Bonnie Bennet: Well then I’m getting into bed with you.

Thomas: I will never understand how this doesn’t squick girls out.

Tens of Men Around the Nation: Hey, are they gonna…?

Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: No.

Elena Gilbert: So, can you help take my mind off the fact that I broke up with Stefan?

Bonnie Bennet: Sure. Look, I can float feathers with my brain!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, your supernatural tendencies are way less freaky than my blood-drinking ex boyfriend’s.

Caroline Forbes: appears to have forgotten her pants.

Caroline Forbes: Damon, you’re a jerk and a meanie and you hurt me and I’m not going to –

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Caroline Forbes: Oh my gosh Damon it’s so good to see you where have you been can we make out now?

Damon Salvatore: So, party tonight, everyone is invited, especially the chick that stole my amulet, and the person I’m going to frame for all of the murders I committed these last few weeks.

Lexi: Stefan, seriously, just jump in the sack with the girl.

Stefan Salvatore: What, are you kidding? We’re going to drag this our for as many seasons as possible.

Lexi: Why?

Stefan Salvatore: Did you ever watch Moonlighting?

Lexi: Okay, good point. drinks blood from her sippy cup

Damon Salvatore: So, who wants to go to the conveniently timed party tonight?

Lexi: That’s a great idea! I bet showing up to a party with a hot girl from out of town roughly fifteen minutes after you broke up with Elena won’t be awkward at all!

Elena Gilbert: Um, hi… who are you, and why are you naked?

Lexi: I’m Lexi, Stefan’s hot friend from out of town! I just got out of the shower. You know, the shower Stefan is in right now. Also, holy crap you look just like Katherine, Stefan what the hell is wrong with you you have serious emotional issues you freak.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, I just dropped by to tell you that I’m not sleeping with the naked girl, and to let you know I’m here for you if you ever need to talk about anything. Also: you totally broke up with me on my birthday. Tootles!

Caroline Forbes: Gimme the crystal! grabs, gets shocked

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my jewelry!

Girl: Did you hear that?

Boy: Less talk, more nookie.

Damon Salvatore: eats the boy

Girl: screams

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, Jeremy’s been acting all weird since you mind-whammied him. He’s studying, he’s not moping around anymore, he’s not doing drugs…

Damon Salvatore: And you’re complaining about this because…

Lexi: Hey, did I ever tell you how I loved a human guy and even though we went through a lot of stormy weather what with me being an immortal blood sucking fiend love conquers all and you should totally hook up with Stefan because he has great cheekbones? slams three shots of tequila

Elena Gilbert: Well okay then.

Stefan Salvatore: Girls make the best wingmen.

Caroline Forbes: Matt you’re so nice do you think I’m shallow I don’t want to be shallow I want to be deep like the abyss hey are those curly fries?

Thomas: God drunk girls can be annoying.

Sheriff Forbes: Who did this to you?

Girl Damon told me to tell you that it was the hot blond chick from out of town.

Sheriff Forbes: Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, assemble! We’ve got a blond to kill!

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: shoots Lexi up with some anti-vampire pot water.

Lexi: fangs!

Damon Salvatore: stake!

Thomas: totally saw that coming.

Stefan Salvatore: totally saw that happen.

Stefan Salvatore: This was the last straw! I have to kill Damon! And by “kill,” I mean injure slightly, and piss off royally!

Bonnie Bennet: I have scary psychic sleepwalking dreams in my brain!

Thomas: That’s nice, sweetheart.

Tyler Lockwood: is leaving the school at roughly two o’clock in the morning, for some reason.

Vicki Donovan: Hey baby, wanna neck?

Tyler Lockwood: Score!

Vicki Donovan: fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: fang block!

Vicki Donovan: sadface

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Tyler Lockwood: gets all fuzzy in the head, and then gets tossed across the parking lot.

Vicki Donovan: Hey bro, just wanted to call and let you know that I can’t tell you where I am or why I ran away, but everything is peachy keen okay, so don’t worry about me. Bye!

Matt Donovan: Well, that cryptic, forced sounding call has assuaged all my fears, and I will no longer worry about the possibility that my kid sister has become one of the undead. Time for math class!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, there’s nothing in the newspaper about that Logan guy I ate last night. WTF?

Stefan Salvatore: Famewhore.

Vicki Donovan: So, can we eat someone now?

Stefan Salvatore: No! That would be wrong, and immoral, and blah blah blah I’m such a drag!

Damon Salvatore: Don’t listen to him, he was like a nun in a past life or something. Of course we can eat someone.

Stefan Salvatore: Murder is wrong!

Damon Salvatore: We’ll just take a sip.

Stefan Salvatore: She’ll lose control!

Damon Salvatore: Man I hope so.

Stefan Salvatore: It isn’t right!

Damon Salvatore: I’m way hotter than you.

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what?

Vicki Donovan: He wins. Let’s go snack on a villager or something.

Stefan Salvatore: No people food! Here, have some Bambi-juice.

Vicki Donovan: pouts

Elena Gilbert: How can you be so arrogant and glib?

Damon Salvatore: I have great cheekbones.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Also, calling a vampire arrogant and glib? Poor life decision.

Elena Gilbert: If you wanted me dead, I would be. But I’m not.

Damon Salvatore: Yet.

Elena Gilbert: gulp

Elena Gilbert: So, the entire town is out looking for Vicki. We’re getting uncomfortably close to the “pitchforks and torches” part of the plot.

Stefan Salvatore: Well, see, Vicki is an emotionally troubled drug addict with a newfound penchant for violent throat dissection. I think I should keep her here for a while.

Vicki Donovan: But I wanna go out and play!

Elena Gilbert: Hey Vicki, how are ya?

Vicki Donovan: Dead, you?

Elena Gilbert: awkward…

Bonnie Bennet: So, were our ancestors burned at the stake in Salem?

Grandma Bennet: No, they were smart enough to ditch when they started those shenanigans. But it’s important that we stay hidden.

Bonnie Bennet: You teach a class on the occult at the local college.

Grandma Bennet: Yeah, and?

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: So, we screwed up last episode’s vampire hunt, huh? Man, if that vampire finds us, we are so screwed.

Damon Salvatore: whistles innocently

Caroline Forbes: Hey Bonnie, I got you a costume!

Bonnie Bennet: A witch? You want the girl who starts fires with her brain to dress up like a witch?

Caroline Forbes: Yep! Also, here’s that magic amulet that Damon will probably kill you to get back. It looks fantastic with your skin tone!

Stefan Salvatore: Caffeine is our friend. It circulates through our veins, and warms us, so we aren’t so cold to the touch.

Thomas: Are you freaking kidding me? Starbucks is one of the signs of vampirism now?

Elena Gilbert: So, I was thinking you shouldn’t see Jeremy any more, you know, since you kind of look at him like a snack box now.

Vicki Donovan: throat grab!

Elena Gilbert: gurgle!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you’ve been cooped up in this house all day. Wanna go outside for a bit!

Vicki Donovan: Wow, do I!

Stefan Salvatore: But she might run away! And then eat somebody!

Damon Salvatore: Oh, come on, what are the odds?

Vicki Donovan: runs away

Damon Salvatore: Huh. My bad.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you’re a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, right?

A Member Of The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: What? No!

Damon Salvatore: <whisper>I can score you some anti-vampire pot…</whisper>

The Plot: thickens

Tonight: is Halloween.

Elena Gilbert: is a sexy nurse.

Matt Donovan: is a bloody doctor.

Jeremy Gilbert: is a stoner. With his hood up.

Vicki Donovan: is a vampire.

Thomas: sees what you did there.

Vicki Donovan: So… many… tasty… teenagers…

Stefan Salvatore: No people food!

Vicki Donovan: pouts

Damon Salvatore: flirts

A Member Of The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: giggles drunkenly

Information: pours out like water

Damon Salvatore: Hey, my necklace! gimme!

Bonnie Bennet: No way, creeper!

Damon Salvatore: grabs the necklace, and gets burned for his trouble.

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my jewelry!

Vicki Donovan: tries to feed on Jeremy, then grabs Elena, and latches onto her neck like a… neck… latching… thing.

Stefan Salvatore: No one eats my woman! six foot wooden stake!

Vicki Donovan: is significantly more corpse-like with a giant piece of wood though the heart.

Thomas: did not see that coming.

Stefan Salvatore: So, Damon, you know how they say friends help you move, and best friends help you move bodies? Well, a funny thing happened at the Halloween party tonight…

Elena Gilbert: You jerk! You did this to her! People keep dying around you! slap!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, so, you might not have noticed, but, one, I’m evil, and two, you’re bleeding profusely from several major lacerations. It might be a good idea to make like a tree and get away from the evil, angry, hungry vampire with great hair.

Jeremy Gilbert: sobs

Elena Gilbert: commiserates

Stefan Salvatore: wants to help

Elena Gilbert: Can you erase his memory?

Stefan Salvatore: I don’t think I’m strong enough.

Damon Salvatore: I’ll do it.

Everyone: Wait, what?

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, I wish I knew how to quit you.

Producer: Okay, Boring Vampire…

Paul Wesley: …Jerk.

Producer: What was that? Oh, never mind, your opinion is kind of irrelevant anyway. So, Boring Vampire, why don’t you stroke Nina’s hair. Yeah, pretend it’s Evil Vampire’s. Whatever. Now, Evil Vampire…

Ian Somerhalder: What, should I lick her again?

Producer: No, good idea, because it was mine, but we’ve done that already. Instead, why don’t you grab her throat, like you’re going to throttle the life out of her. Sweet. Now, Elena, try to look…

Producer: Never mind, you seem to have it under control.

Elena Gilbert: Dear diary, I think my boyfriend is a blood sucking monster. former cheerleader confrontation powers activate!

Flashback! Stefan is dressed all funny, and the cars have been replaced by these odd, horse-drawn things. We’re back in the 1800’s! Also: Katherine!

Stefan Salvatore: makes doe eyes.

Flash forward!: We’re back in the Aught Nines!

Elena Gilbert: So, Stefan, anything you want to tell me about? Like, how did you do on the chemistry test, how’s football going, oh, and are you a freaking vampire?

Stefan Salvatore: Everything you know, and every belief you have, is about to change. Are you ready or that?

Thomas: thinks that’s one of the coolest premises for a story, ever. Vampires or no.

Stefan Salvatore: So, yeah, vampire.

Elena Gilbert: Okay then. Well, time to be going! runs away

Stefan Salvatore: does that horror movie thing where the Survivor Girl is running away, but suddenly the Monster is Right There OMG! This is guaranteed to sooth Elena’s nerves.

Stefan Salvatore: suddenly appears in Elena’s bedroom. He’s apparently taken a couple of correspondence courses from the Edward Cullen School of Creepy Courtship.

Damon Salvatore: finishes draining one of the Generic Stoners from last episode, and drops the body on the ground. Then into the fire. There are plenty of other bodies scattered around, too. Damon was hungry.

Damon Salvatore: (on one of Generic Stoner’s cell phones) So, Stefan, about that ring you stole…

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, I gave it to “Uncle” Zach to hide. Too bad you killed him.

Damon Salvatore: Give me my ring or I eat Elena.

Stefan Salvatore: I kill you!

Damon Salvatore: I kill you!

Stefan Salvatore: Oh yeah? Then how will you get your ring back?

Damon Salvatore: …Dick.

Elena Gilbert: So, I’ve asked you to this sunny, public place so you can explain yourself. And also, not eat me.

Stefan Salvatore: Okay, So, vampire. I can eat food, religious artifacts are nothing but decorations, I have a reflections (see: my awesome hair), I have this sweet ring that keeps me from combusting in the sun, and I eat bunny rabbits to stay alive. Damon eats teenagers, which is why he’s stronger than me.

Damon Salvatore: Ooookay then.

Sheriff Forbes and Logan Fell: examine the bodies Damon “hid” by burning slightly. At covering his tracks, an expert he is not.

Damon Salvatore: Man, being stuck inside all day sucks, and the chick I ate last night isn’t talking due to the loss of blood. Maybe if I heal her with my vampire blood, she can run out and rent a movie or something.

Elena Gilbert: So, here we are, in the middle of nowhere. Please don’t eat me.

Stefan Salvatore: Relax, I just want to show you my old home.

Elena Gilbert: But, there are just ruins. How old are you?

Stefan Salvatore: I’ve been seventeen…

Thomas: If you say “for a while,” we are officially done.

Stefan Salvatore: …Since1864.

Thomas: …I’ll let that pass.

Flashback! Damon’s wearing a derby, and the pre-vampire brothers are playing Rugby. Katherine asks to join in. She steals their ball, and goes running off.

Damon Salvatore: Dude, she totally wants you to chase her! What’s your problem? Don’t you like girls?

Stefan Salvatore: What? Of course I do! He meant nothing! We were just wrestling!

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Vicki Donovan: You know what? I’ve decided that it’s totally cool the way you killed all my friends, and almost killed me. Also, your blood it sweet. Gimme gimme?

Damon Salvatore: fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: So, long story short, Kat did me, then my brother, then she turned out to be a vampire. Then she mind whammied me. Shenanigans ensued, and here we are.

Elena Gilbert: …Please don’t eat me.

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: Uses the stolen Gilbert watch, and a handful of other trinkets, to assemble… something. My money’s on “Vampire Seeking Compass.”

Damon Salvatore and Vicki Donovan: Have a dance party, and trash the boarding house. Also, they take a moment out to indulge in some product placement, but since it’s an iMac, I’ll let it slide.

Vicki Donovan: tells Damon about her messed up family.

Damon Salvatore: Wow, that’s… pathetic. You know what could help that? Death. snaps her freaking neck!

Thomas: Okay, that, I did not see coming.

Vicki Donovan: Ow, why does my neck hurt?

Damon Salvatore: I gave you my blood, then I killed you, now you need to eat someone, and you can be a vampire like me. Yay! Hey, you know who would be a good meal? Elena’s brother. Tell everyone I said “hi!”

Vicki Donovan: Is freaking out, and about to eat someone.

Stefan Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Stefan Salvatore: Take her up to bed. She’s going to be fine. You know, except for the part where she’s dead.

Logan Fell: Wanders through the dark woods and the Menacing fog of Menace with his Vampire Seeking Compass.

Thomas: totally called that one.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena, can I come in? Wait, of course I can, you already invited me. Wow you’re scared, guess Stefan finally fessed up. Speaking of, where is that little ring stealing douche?

Elena Gilbert: Out looking for the girl you sort of killed.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, don’t judge.

Vicki Donovan: Boo hoo, I’m dying. Or about to become immortal. I’m not clear on that yet.

Stefan Salvatore: Here, let me take you home.

Logan Fell: shoots Stefan with his wooden bullets, and goes to stake him.

Vicki Donovan: No!

Damon Salvatore: fangs!

Vicki Donovan: fangs!

Sheriff Forbes: Huh. Maybe splitting up wasn’t such a hot idea, after all.

Elena Gilbert: So, this whole vampire thing is hot and all, and almost getting eaten by your brother is fun, but I think we should see other people.

Stefan Salvatore: sadface

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: sadface

Photographer: Okay, let’s just get a few more promo shots. Hey, let’s go up the that bridge right there. And, um… why don’t you hang one of the girls over the edge, like you’re going to throw her off. What? No, no one’s going to freak out. What’s the worst that could happen?

Damon Salvatore: Owwwwww my head! Dude, what did you put in my drink?

Stefan Salvatore: Anti-vampire ruffies. Blah blah blah, you’re evil, I’m going to leave you here in the basement until you’re too weak to kick my ass, then I’m going to burry you in the family crypt for fifty years, to teach you a lesson.

Thomas: Yeah, I’m sure he’s going to be a bundle of sunshine when that’s done with.

Damon Salvatore: Dude, you are such a dick.

Elena Gilbert: is too emo to write emo in her diary.

Vicki Donovan: is brushing her teeth in the Gilbert’s bathroom.

Vicki Donovan: Sorry, I’m just cleaning up after sullying your stoner brother. I’ll be out of you way in a sec!

Aunt Jenna: looks hot with her new hair.

Aunt Jenna: So, has Stefan called yet?

Elena Gilbert: No, and I’m not going to call him. I’m not going to be one of those pathetic girls whose life stops because of some guy.

Bella Swan: Did someone call my name?

Caroline Forbes: Damon bit me and my head’s all fuzzy. I’m sad.

Bonnie Bennet: I’m psychic! And I can start fires with my brain!

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry I haven’t been around lately. I was busying burying my brother alive.

Elena Gilbert: Oooookay then.

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: Hey Damon, I just came to chat (about the fact that your brother used the vampire ruffies I’ve been growing for the last sixteen years to poison you, and then locked you in my basement).

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: is an idiot.

Damon Salvatore: throat grab!

Stefan Salvatore: idiot uncle saving vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Okay, Stefan is an hour late for his little “I’m going to tell you everything” meet up.

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry I’m late! I got… held up. Doing… stuff.

Elena Gilbert: Like?

Stefan Salvatore: I can’t tell you.

Elena Gilbert: You have all these creepy secrets! How do I know you aren’t a serial killer or something?

Thomas: This girl is way too intelligent to be in a vampire story.

Creepy Exposition Guy: My God, you haven’t aged a day. (By the way, I’m implying that he’s really old. Like, at least thirty.)

Stefan Salvatore: Soooo, let’s go home now.

Sheriff Forbes: So, how goes the whole “seducing Aunt Jenna so you can steal the magic pocket watch from the Littlest Stoner” plan?

Aunt Jenna: Hey, Logan!

Logan Fell: Funny you should ask…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, did I mention I cook?

Elena Gilbert: I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish…

Stefan Salvatore: I’m just trying to get into your pants, honestly.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: Kidding! I’m still gay. And a chef. Anyway, vampire exposition powers activate!

Vicki Donovan: Look, I scored some of your sister’s old pain meds!

Jeremy Gilbert: Babe, I feel like we’re always getting high.

Vicki Donovan: Um, hello, do you think I hang out with you because of your dashing good looks and charm? Now shut up and make little stoner babies with me.

Elena Gilbert: Oh no, I cut myself with this giant knife, whilst cooking with my vampire boyfriend! Whoever could have foreseen!

Bonnie Bennet: Me, I’m psychic!

Thomas: Shut up. You aren’t even in this scene.

Stefan Salvatore: Crap! Fangs! Again!

Damon Salvatore: Caroline…</mind-powers>

Caroline Forbes: I can’t hear you la la la la la

The Bikini Car Wash: happens.

Matt Donovan: is totally human, and significantly paler than the vampire Stefan.

Bonnie Bennet: can make water explode, or something.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, that ring that makes you not blow up in the sun is getting all soapy! You should totally take it off right now.

Stefan Salvatore: Um, pass, thanks.

Creepy Exposition Guy: So, I just dropped by to check out all the high school girls in their bikinis, and to mention that I stayed at the Salvatore boarding house forty years ago, and met Stefan. Also, his uncle was eaten by a cougar or something (vampire).

Elena Gilbert: Ooooookay then.

Caroline Forbes: zombie-walks to the Salvatore boarding house, and is about to set Damon free.

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: vampire captive keeping human powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Nice try!

Damon Salvatore: snaps “Uncle” Zach’s neck

Caroline Forbes: hey it was nice to see you again time for me to be going you can’t come out in the sun without your ring right bye bye!

Some Girl: I don’t like you and I’m in charge, so why don’t you dry off the parking lot?

Bonnie Bennet: I know, I’ll use my brain fire to dry it off! This can’t possibly go wrong! (it does)

Elena Gilbert: searches the TV station’s database for information on the Salvatore animal (vampire) attack.

Thomas: tries to resist the urge to punch the TV and shout “that’s not how computers work!”

The Town Stoners: cavort in the cemetery at night.

Thomas: Wait for it…

Damon Salvatore: fangs!

Thomas: Ah, there we go.

Stefan Salvatore: evil brother staking vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: So, you’re like a vampire, right?

Stefan Salvatore: Darn it! Stake blocked!

So for some reason, IMDB told me that Ditzy Blonde Blood Donor Girl is named Caroline Truitt; turns out, it’s really Caroline Forbes. Corrected from here on out.

The Cute Young Couple: is missing once again, leaving me to believe that Damon ate all of the coupled attractive people within twenty square miles.

Thomas: admires his dedication and thoroughness.

Elena Gilbert: wakes up after being watched creepily by Damon. She senses a dark, looming presence, and like any other intelligent person, goes wandering through the dark to scratch its chin. She finds the television on, showing a breaking news bulletin of: her own murder.

Damon Salvatore: Ignore the fact that the “breaking news bulletin” was shot during the day, while it’s clearly nighttime. I am, to your utter astonishment, a vampire, and you are, to my utter delight, dinner. fangs!

Elena Gilbert: dies.

Thomas: Well, that sure was a short-lived series. I wonder what’s on-

Stefan Salvatore: wakes up from his nightmare.

Thomas: Oh.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro, good dream? Man screwing with your mind is fun.

Stefan Salvatore: You are such a douche. stab!

Damon Salvatore: Ow! counter stab!

Thomas: Okay, that was pretty cool.

Stefan Salvatore: I must fight this monster. But how do I fight a monster without becoming one myself?

Friedrich Nietzsche: Dude, excellent question.

Stefan Salvatore: What’s up, babe?

Elena Gilbert: Less talk more make out.

Stefan Salvatore: Ow, stop twisting my arm! smooch

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: are really not at all shy about doing who-knows-what in Elena’s bedroom, even when the rest of the family is downstairs eating breakfast.

Stefan Salvatore: Crap! Fangs! hides

Elena Gilbert: pout

Thomas: Side note: I’ve seen these two make out twice now, and both times I sat there thinking to myself “they both move like they’ve had a bit of juijuitsu training.” I realize that I have a problem.

Elena Gilbert: Hey wanna go to the Founder’s Dance with me I know its cheesy but it meant a lot to my dead parents and I think you’d be hot in a suite.

Stefan Salvatore: I would be honored to accompany you, Miss Elena Gilbert.

Thomas: See, that’s how you do “wow, he’s so suavely old-fashioned, you know, because he’s a centuries old vampire.” Not “I know lots of random dates, wanna sleep with me?” Attention Writers: DO THIS MORE.

Caroline Forbes: I can’t be seen in public with you, so you can’t come to the Founder’s Dance with me. Sorry, babe.

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Caroline Forbes: You should totally come to the Founder’s Dance with me!

Tens of Men Around the Nation: That would make dating so much easier.

Damon Salvatore: So what’s so special about this Bella girl, anyway?

Thomas: OMG HE’S READING TWILIGHT OMG </thirteen-year-old-girl>

Caroline Forbes: Are you going to kill me?

Damon Salvatore: Yep! But not just yet.

Thomas: Holy crap, he just out-creepered Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen: Damn.

Thomas: OMG EDWARD CULLEN IS TALKING ABOUT THE VAMPIRE DIARIES OMG </thirteen-year-old-girl>

“Uncle” Zach Salvatore: has an anti-vampire pot farm in his cellar. This will be an important plot point later.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon, want some bourbon?

Thomas: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Sure!

Thomas: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, you tried the old “give the vampire a glass of bourbon spiked with anti-vampire pot” trick! But I’m not some dumb college girl you can roofie, oh no!

Thomas: Wait, what?

Elena Gilbert: So you’re the mysterious loner and I think that’s hot, but I also think that since we’ve been dating like three whole days it’s time for us to move on the the next level, and no I’m not asking you to sleep with me because I know you’re gay (probably for your brother, which, ew), but I just want you to open up and tell me something about yourself! pout

Stefan Salvatore: Can’t you see? Damon is trying to drive us apart!

Elena Gilbert: Well it’s working! pout, dramatic exit

Thomas: Dude, you should totally do that “look into my eyes” thing. It would be so much easier.

Aunt Jenna: put some wave into her hair and actually looks like an adult.

Guy Who Dated Aunt Jenna But Cheated On Her So She Left Town: So, we cool?

Aunt Jenna: How are you going to make up for cheating on me?

Guy Who Dated Aunt Jenna But Cheated On Her So She Left Town: Want to go get some cheese fries?

Thomas: Dead God, have any of the writers for this show actually been in a relationship? “Sorry I banged the secretary, here’s some snack food.” WTF?

Elena Gilbert: So, are all these bruises and bite marks from your creepy stalker boyfriend?

Caroline Forbes: What no he doesn’t beat me he only does it because he loves me I just make him really mad sometimes and well he says I taste really good and he looks at me with those sad eyes and then I’m just like “oh okay one more time but try not to nick an artery that took forever to clean up” and it hurts but in a good way you know (and I think he sparkles but he’s just too shy to show me).

Elena Gilbert: Okay, as long as you’re cool.

Vicki Donovan: So, Thomas didn’t bother telling anyone about this because he thinks this plot line is really boring, but I went to the Founder’s Dance with Tyler Lockwood, and he was, once again, an enormous jerk, and I realized that even though he’s rich and handsome, and even though you’re poor and a stoner, you really love me!

Jeremy Gilbert: Wow you’re hot.

Vicki Donovan: drops her dress.

Thomas: Aw, awkward stoner sex. I bet they have little stoner babies.

Caroline Forbes: I didn’t mean to tell her that you eat me, it just sort of slipped out.

Damon Salvatore: It’s okay, I forgive you. Except… fangs!

Damon Salvatore: gag, puke

Stefan Salvatore: Ah ha! I knew I couldn’t spike your drink, so I spiked your girlfriend instead! Man I’m awesome! self high five

The Sheriff, The Mayor, The Mayor’s Wife, and The Guy Who Dated Aunt Jenna But Cheated On Her So She Left Town: blah blah blah, we’re vampire hunters, which makes us, ironically, the good guys and the bad guys for this season. Dun Dun Dun!

Producer: Okay, Elena…

Nina Dobrev: Um, my real name’s Nina…

Producer: That’s great, sweetheart. So, Elena, why don’t you just kind of lay back, and try to look sexy, and… um, slightly stoned. That’s great, that’s great. Okay, Boring Vampire…

Paul Wesley: Paul…

Producer: Whatever, why don’t you kind of hover over her, like you’re going to kiss her, but don’t actually kiss her, we want to leave them wanting more. Perfect. All right, Evil Vampire…

Ian Somerhalder: …

Producer: Wow, that one’s smart enough not to talk back, cool. So, Evil Vampire, why don’t you kind of press your lips against her throat, yeah, like you’re going to bite her, except… why don’t you… um, why don’t you lick her throat, instead.

Ian Somerhalder: Wait, what?

Nina Dobrev: Wait, what?

Producer: Yeah, go ahead, just run your tongue over her adam’s apple. No, it isn’t creepy. All the kids are doing it. Trust me. There you go. Perfect. Man this job rocks.

Cute Young Couple: takes a break from being murdered this week. Instead, we open on:

Caroline Truitt: laying in a pool of her own blood, with two fang marks on her neck.

Damon Salvatore: Morning, babe.

Caroline Truitt: oh God vampire help sweet mother of mercy lamp smash

Damon Salvatore: Well okay then. Hey, did you change your clothes last night?

Caroline Truitt: Yes…

Damon Salvatore: So you put on a comfortable nightie, but you didn’t bother washing the blood off yourself, or, you know, going to the hospital?

Caroline Truitt: Being dead is one thing, Damon. Being unfashionable is something else entirely.

Damon Salvatore: Why do I always bite the dumb ones?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m not saying “don’t date the guy,” I’m just saying… well, okay, I’m saying “don’t date the guy.”

Elena Gilbert: But you were just telling me to jump his bones! Why the sudden change of heart?

Bonnie Bennet: Because I had a psychic vision that he was a mass murdering monster come to sow death and pain in our idyllic little town.

Elena Gilbert: Oooookay then…

Tyler Lockwood: Hey, watch me embarrass New Boy by throwing this football at him!

Stefan Salvatore: Vampire football catching powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, I’ve never seen someone catch a football before! Will you sire my offspring?

Stefan Salvatore: Erm…

Elena Gilbert: Okay, no siring just yet. How about dinner? I can cook you some totally bloodless human food!

Stefan Salvatore: Erm…

Elena Gilbert: And you can hang out with my best friend who thinks your a demon!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Elena Gilbert: Great! See you at nine!

Annoying History Teacher: Gah, you are all so stupid! How can you not even know the date on which the Civil Rights Act freed the Madagascar Slaves from their Moorish Oppressors? Why am I cursed to suffer your unfailing ignorance?

Stefan Salvatore: It was in 1873. And you’re a douche.

Annoying History Teacher and Stefan Salvatore: engage in a stirring battle of wits, where Annoying History Teacher names a random historical event, and Stefan Salvatore recites the year in which it occurred. The history class is applauding at the end of this. Because if High School taught me anything, it’s that teenagers love it when a brainy kid shows off in class.

Thomas: is not bitter.

Elena Gilbert: Hey, why are you staring longingly at the football team?

Stefan Salvatore: I’m not gay!

Elena Gilbert: I… just thought you missed playing. You know, football.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, right. Yes. Totally that. Totally want to play. Football. With the men. The young… rugged…

Elena Gilbert: Erm…

Damon Salvatore: Blah blah blah, I’m so evil.

Stefan Salvatore: Blah blah blah, I’m so emo.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: You guy should totally kiss right now.

Bonnie Bennet: I keep seeing the numbers 8, 14, and 22. This is going to be an important plot point later on, so remember that. Also, I psychically know where you keep the silverware.

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie, you should have seen it! Taylor threw a ball at Stefan today, and Stefan totally caught it!

Bonnie Bennet: That’s… so special. Hey, my grandmother was a witch!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, that’s so cool. The Salem Witches were heroic examples of individualism, and non-conformity.

Thomas: swears that that’s an exact quote. Seriously. And they bought it.

Damon Salvatore and Caroline Truitt: Surprise! We’re crashing!

Stefan Salvatore: Don’t invite him in!

Elena Gilbert: Come on in!

Damon Salvatore: Score!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Caroline Truitt: Hey, let’s talk about Elena’s dead parents, and how she’s such a drag now!

Damon Salvatore: No, let’s talk about Stefan’s dead girlfriend, and how he’s such a drag now!

Stefan Salvatore: face. palm.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Are about to Get It On, when suddenly, Stefan turns into Damon! And Elena wakes up gasping! It was all a dream! A hot, steamy dream! Oh no, is she going to be torn between two loves? (Hint: yes.)

Elena Gilbert: So, I quit cheer-leading. I’m a quitter.

Stefan Salvatore: No, you suffered a great loss. You’re not the same person any more. But you should be looking ahead.

Thomas: That was supposed to cheer her up? God, now I’m depressed.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, would you wear this vampire-blocking magic talisman?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, no one’s ever given me a vampire-blocking magic talisman before! swoon

Tyler Lockwood: I kill you!

Jeremy Gilbert: No, I kill you!

Stefan Salvatore: Heroic vampire fight stopping powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Oh, my druggie brother cut your hand with his broken bottle of booze!

Stefan Salvatore: No he didn’t I’m totally fine no magic vampire healing powers here look right as rain and hey the game’s starting time to go see you after bye bye.

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

Elena Gilbert: Slaaaaaaap across your faaaaaaaaaace.</buffy>

Damon Salvatore: Well then.

Stefan Salvatore: There’s good in you, I can sense it!

Damon Salvatore: That’s great, Luke Skywalker. By the way: fang!

Annoying History Teacher: gets eaten

Thomas: …Is he… dead?

Some Kid: Oh God, he’s dead!

Thomas: …God bless America… land that I love… single tear

Bonnie Bennet: Look, those numbers I said I saw! I’m totally psychic!

Thomas: One, shut up, I’m busy celebrating the death of Annoying History Teacher. Two, wouldn’t it have been way more useful if you’d have actually foreseen his death, instead of a licensee plate and a sign on a door?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m totally psychic!

Thomas: Hey, Damon, are you still hungry?

Elena Gilbert: sleeps comfortably in her bed.

Damon Salvatore: keeps creepy watch over her, occasionally stroking her hair.

Edward Cullen: I did that first.