Jeremy Gilbert: You have to make me a vampire!

Anna: No! I cannot condemn you to a life of… being able to walk around in the sun with our magic rings of not exploding, and living off of… conveniently available blood supplies, and being eternally young, and hot and… um… trust me, it’s a curse, all right! And why do you want to be a vampire, anyway?

Jeremy Gilbert: Because, um, well, er, you see…

Anna: Huh. Compelling argument, sparky.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am angry vampire! Angry vampire smash stupid Salvatore brothers!

Pearl: You mean like you did last episode? How’d that work for you? Girlfriend still dead?

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am sad vampire! Sad vampire smash stupid Salvatore brothers!

Pearl: That’s great, honey. I’m going into town tomorrow, to check out the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am angry vampire again! Angry vampire smash stupid Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council!

Pearl: …goddammit.

Damon Salvatore: Let’s go kick Pearl’s ass! With two of us, I bet she won’t even gouge out my eyes again!

Stefan Salvatore: Let’s think this through carefully, and concoct a plan that will result in minimal conflict, causalities, and entertainment!

Elena Gilbert: Can I get kidnapped again? Please?

Anna: Hey, nice anti-vampire pot bracelet!

Jeremy Gilbert: Thanks! My sister gave it to me! Wanna wear it? I <3 you!

Anna: You just wanna get in my pants coffin.

Jeremy Gilbert: Well, not just…

Stefan Salvatore: Going hunting!

Damon Salvatore: Say ‘hi’ to the squirrels for me!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey Stefan! Stake!

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: You have 6 new messages from Damon Salvatore.

Damon Salvatore: You’re ignoring me.

Elena Gilbert: You’re a douche.

Damon Salvatore: Stefan is missing.

Elena Gilbert: Did I say “douche”? I meant “Charming, dashing, ever so helpful vampire who’s going to help me get my hot undead boyfriend back.” Tee hee!

Damon Salvatore: Pearl! Open this door or I’ll find someone older than you to kick your ass!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Sorry, Pearl’s not here right now. If you’d like to leave a message, please scream “stop torturing my brother!” after I insert a stake in his gut. Stake!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey ladies, what do you say to a little fan service?

Stefan Salvatore: Is tied up, mostly naked, and heaving.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: Please use your magic ring of not dying to help me get my hot undead boyfriend back from the skeezy undead kidnappers!

Alaric Saltzman: Sorry miss, this ain’t my fight.

Damon Salvatore: Pearl can help you find your wife.

Alaric Saltzman: Let’s saddle up!

Jeremy Gilbert: You should turn me because my life sucks and I’m alone and oh emo!

Anna: You want a pity turn?

Thomas: Loves the writers.

Anna: No way, babe. We only turn people for various nefarious purposes. Oh, and true love. And there’s no way I’m going to truly love you for at least another episode or two.

Mayor Lockwood: Why hello there Pearl! It’s always nice to meet a hot potential voter! This is my son Tyler, who is still on this show!

Damon Salvatore: Wooden stakes, tranquilizer darts filled with anti-vampire pot, Anne Rice novels… looks like you’re good to go, Alaric.

Elena Gilbert: Ooh ooh ooh I wanna join the suicide mission too!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah yeah yeah, true love, I’d die for Stefan, blah bah blah. I can’t kick all manner of vampire ass if I’m also worried about your pert, nubile… ahem, so you can drive the getaway vehicle.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, can I use your phone? My car broke down.

The Human Who Owns the House: Sure!

Alaric Saltzman: And can you invite in my super good friend Damon?

The Human Who Owns the House: Oh, no, he’s not allowed in the house.

Damon Salvatore: Well that’s inconvenient. Say, do you have anyone else living in the house? Husband, kids, grandkids?

The Human Who Owns the House: Why no! It’s just me!

Damon Salvatore: Excellent. Neck snap!

Thomas: Standing ovation!

Jeremy Gilbert: I’m bored. Wanna fang?

Anna: Hey! We’re a secret, remember?

Pearl: So, who’s that boy chatting up my sweet, innocent daughter?

Mayor Lockwood: Oh, don’t worry about him. That’s just Jeremy Gilbert, of the Vampire Hunting Gilberts.

Pearl: Angryface.

Damon Salvatore: Stake stake stakity-stake!

Elena Gilbert: Sneak sneak sneakity-sneak!

Alaric Saltzman: Goddammit Elena. Rescue, rescue, rescity-rescue!

Caroline Forbes: Well, here I am, with a broken down car, no cell phone service, and rather insensible shoes. I better go traipsing through the woods! Hey, look, a dead body! Aieee!

Pearl: Stop seeing Jeremy Gilbert!

Anna: Okay.

Thirty seconds later:

Anna: Hey Jeremy, wanna fang?

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! I missed you and I love you and wow you sure are hot when you’re all naked and tied up and that gives me ideas for later tonight but wait you’re still in danger so let’s get you out of here and get you fed but not on me that’s gross and then let’s wink-wink and nudge-nudge!

Damon Salvatore: Women. Anyway, you two get out of here. As for me: Avenging Angel of Death powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Leaves a trail of bodies all through Pearl’s House of Significantly Fewer Vampires for Fredrick to find, and kicks all manner of ass.

Thomas: Note to self: do not piss off Damon.

A Bunch of Vampires: Vampire gang bang!

Damon Salvatore: Sadface

Alaric Saltzman: Rescue! Despite the fact that you ate murdered vamped my wife!

Elena Gilbert: Oh no! I have tripped and fallen and cut open my hand! I hope this doesn’t drive Stefan into a blood-crazed frenzy! And look, our car has been inconveniently disabled!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Window break! Boyfriend grab! Stake! Stake! Stake!

Elena Gilbert: Anti-vampire pot tranquilizer dart!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Erk!

Stefan Salvatore: Ack!

Elena Gilbert: Weep!

Some Vampire: Fangs!

Alaric Saltzman: Anti-vampire pot tranquilizer dart!

Damon Salvatore: Let’s blow this popsicle stand!

Dozens of Vampires: Surround Pearl’s House of One or Two ^^{Lots and Lots of} Vampires.

Damon Salvatore: Back door?

Alaric Saltzman: Back door.

Momma Donovan: I made dinner!

Caroline Forbes: I found a body!

Sheriff Forbes: It was your daughter!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan you need to wake up because I love you and I love your abs and you can’t die because I’d miss you and also that skeezy vampire is waking up and I’d really like it if you killed him and hey look I’m bleeding and now I have a plan!

Stefan Salvatore: Reluctant fangs!

Elena Gilbert: Ambiguously orgasmic expression!

Pearl: What did you do?!?

Damon Salvatore: Um, rescued my brother from your merry band of torturers?

Pearl: Oh. Well, that’s awkward. Carry on, then.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr! Me am angry vampire! Angry vampire stake stupid Stefan Salvatore!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, guess who just drank human blood for the first time in a century, and is feeling a lot better? <– this guy!

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs! Range! Stake stake stake stake stake!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! Stop!

Stefan Salvatore: Shove! Shock! Sorrow!

Elena Gilbert: Pout!

Stefan Salvatore: So, it sure was awkward how you saw me go all medieval on that skeezy vampire, wasn’t it? Nervous laugh.

Elena Gilbert: Oh, it’s all my fault! My delicious blood done drive you into a frenzy!

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: Rings inconviniently.

Elena Gilbert: Hold on… Wait, they found whose body where?

Caroline Forbes: Matt, I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Matt Donovan: No, thanks, I’m going to cry on the shoulder of my hot ex-girlfriend, of whom you are vastly jealous.

Elena Gilbert: Hi, Matt!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, we were bad. ass.

Alaric Saltzman: Facepunch!

Damon Salvatore: So, same time next week? Call me!

Damon Salvatore: Walks past lots and lots of empty blood bags.

Stefan Salvatore: Is huddled in a corner like an addict on a three day Meth bender.

The Plot: Thickens.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Om nom nom.

The Lady Whose House They’ve Stolen: Orgasmic sigh.

Anna: Um… you okay?

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

The Lady Whose House They’ve Stolen: Yes I am perfectly fine and no there are no vampires holding me hostage and drinking my blood would you like some pie? </stepford-wife>

Anna: D-:

Matt Donovan: Mom, we talked about this. You were out way past your curfew, you brought a boy home with you, and you need to get a job.

Caroline Forbes: Hi, Momma Donovan!

Momma Donovan: Rowar! Cat Hiss!

Caroline Forbes: D-:

Stefan Salvatore: Woe is me! Damon still won’t make out talk to me!

Elena Gilbert: Woe is me! My mother is missing got eaten by Damon is a vampire! Who’s related to the vampire that sired you, and screwed damon over!

Stefan Salvatore: Vampires suck.

Jacob “Abs” black: Word.

Matt Donovan: Wanna watch a movie tonight?

Caroline Forbes: And spend time with your deadbeat alcoholic mother who also hates me? Boy do I!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Smooch!

Matt Donovan: She used to kiss me like that…

Caroline Forbes: What was that?

Matt Donovan: What nothing got to go late for class pick out a movie I’ll see you later bye!

Pearl: And this is how you send a text message, which is what you do when you don’t want to talk to somebody.

Anna: I mind-whammied us a car and an ATM card! Let’s go shopping!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Grr, I’m overbearing and paranoid!

Harper: I’m meek and helpful, just like my kind should be!

Thomas: Well that’s awkward.

Caroline Forbes: We should go on a double date! So I can make sure my manwhore of a boyfriend doesn’t still have the hots for you!

Elena Gilbert: That sounds…

Stefan Salvatore: Like a great idea!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what now?

Pearl: Hi, Damon!

Damon Salvatore: Hi, Pearl! Throat grab!

Pearl: Aww, it’s so cute when you pretend to be all tough. Damon tossing powers activate!

Anna: Smirk!

Jeremy Gilbert: I’ve recently discovered that vampires are real, and I need to know how to defend myself and the people I love! Where can I find this information I know, an internet chat room!

Pearl: So Anna tells me you’re a member of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council. Have you ever considered a career as a double agent?

Damon: Have you ever considered a career in shutting the hell up?

Pearl: Hm. You make an interesting proposition. To which I reply: eye gouge!

Thomas: Huh. Pearl’s kind of a badass.

Stefan Salvatore: Surprise! Flowers!

Elena Gilbert: Aww! That’s so sweet I want to cancel our double date!

Stefan Salvatore: I thought you wanted to be more “normal teenager” and less “I’m dating a vampire who’s brother is a vampire, and they’re both surrounded by vampires that keep trying to eat me and do that freaky dracula-eyes thing.”

Elena Gilbert: Have you ever even been on a double date?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure. ’72. Twins. Playmates, actually. I got Ms. June.

Elena Gilbert: Is oddly okay with that.

Momma Donovan: You’re an alcoholic! That’s sexy!

Damon Salvatore: You’re an old woman. That’s not sexy.

Aunt Jenna: I used to be an alcoholic! I’m twenty!

Shots: All around.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Push!

Harper: Shove!

Pearl: Throat grab! Bad vampire! No treat!

Elena Gilbert: So how do you like working here at the Bar-Grill-Pizzaria-Pool-Hall?

Matt Donovan: It’s great! My girlfriend looks down on me, I’m trapped in a dead-end job, and I don’t make enough money to take care of my deadbeat mother! Also: they cannot keep a bartender.

Ben the Vampire Bartender: I’m dead!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Knowing look.

Damon, Momma Donovan, and Aunt Jenna: More shots whoooooooo!

Everyone else: 0_o

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Well, I’ve decided to ignore Pearl’s orders and head into town! Sure hope no one gets staked!

Anna: He Jeremy, I’m back!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Anna! I’m anemic! I bet my blood tastes horrible!

Damon Salvatore: The primary reason for my existence has deserted me, and after the events of today, the shaking remains of the ground I walk on are about to go “kaboom.” Crazy eyes.

Momma Donovan and Aunt Jenna: …so… more shots whoooooooo!

Elena Gilbert and Matt Donovan: Hey, do you remember all of those stories from when we were dating, that totally don’t involve the people we’re dating now? Weren’t those great?

Caroline Forbes: Gilbert. Bathroom. Now.

Aunt Jenna: Ooooh crap they saw us I know they saw us dammit we’re busted how am I ever going to be a responsible adult now that my niece has seen me doing shots with her ex-boyfriend’s deadbeat mom and her boyfriend’s ridiculously hot brother?

Jeremy Gilbert: So… have you ever wondered if vampires might be real? And living in Mystic Falls? And sitting on my couch?

Anna: What no why would you say that that’s just silly and I totally made everything I ever told you about vampires up. Nervous laugh.

Caroline Forbes: So rowar could you scratch stop hitting claw on my bite boyfriend?

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey, Katherine!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, this double date was a great idea!

Stefan Salvatore’s Cell Phone: Hey babe! The skeezy guy over buy the bar just called me Katherine! Hoping to not get kidnapped again tonight! <3 E (Sent from my Product Placement Blackberry)

Stefan Salvatore: So Matt… you know how you said people didn’t like me because I seem rich and entitled and spoiled? You are really going to hate my mansion and my really old, really expensive sports car that Thomas can’t identify.

Aunt Jenna: I’m drunk! And I broke a heel!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Well allow me to break the other one! Also: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Aunt Jenna: Wide, glassy eyes. Ha! Did I mention I’m drunk! And you’re kinda lame!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Pout. Hey, what’s that scent you’re wearing?

Aunt Jenna: Oh, Elena gave it to me. I think it’s called “eau de anti-vampire pot.”

Jeremy Gilbert: Let’s have dinner! I’ll slice up the meat!

Thomas: He’s going to cut himself. There is no way he’s not going to cut himself. If he doesn’t cut himself, I’ll eat this keyboard.

Jeremy Gilbert: Cuts himself. On purpose.

Thomas: I’ll be damned. They still managed to surprise me. Well played, show, well played.

Anna: Grr! Arg! Yum!

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: Make up, kiss, manage not to get eaten.

Damon Salvatore and Momma Donovan: Bow chicka bow wow!

Matt Donovan: Mom?!?

Momma Donovan: Well this is awkward.

Pearl: Anna! Where have you been, young lady?

Anna: Well I sure wasn’t making out with / snacking on the Gilbert boy, that’s for sure! Nervous laugh.

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Window Crash!

Damon Salvatore: Vampire wrestling powers activate!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire’s Skeezy Girlfriend: Window Crash!

Stephan Salvatore: Vampire stake through the heart powers activate!

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: Hey look at the time got to be going bye!

Stephan Salvatore: Waitaminute, they were trapped in the tomb…

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, about that…

Fredrick the Skeezy Vampire: So… Skeezy Vampire Girlfriend might have gotten staked when we attacked the Salvatore brothers, kinda like you said.

Pearl: Hmm. Well, no biggie. Also: stab!

Elena Gilbert: I had a really good time on our date tonight!

Stefan Salvatore: You are such a liar!

Elena Gilbert: Am not! Aside from Matt hitting on me all night, and Caroline getting all catty with me, and your brother making out with Momma Donovan, it was great!

Damon Salvatore: Burns the Skeezy Vampire Girlfriend’s body in the fireplace.

Anna: How did you know I was a vampire?

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, I don’t know. It might have had something to do with all of the articles you gave me to read on vampires, oh, and the way you fanged out when I kissed you. Also: can you make me a vampire please huh please can you?

The Plot: Thickens.

Moonlight shines down on an empty clearing in the woods, casting everything in an eerie glow. Nearby, empty cans of beer and the smoldering remains of cigarettes – and other smokeables – litter the ground, evidence of a party that has recently broken up. The moonlight glistens off a recently used flamethrower, laying next the the charred body of a creepy-ass former bar-tending vampire. The detritus of some arcane magical spell tell those knowledgeable in such things exactly what occurred here.

Producer: Well, previously, on The Vampire Diaries….

Thomas: just realized that if Isobel is Elena’s mother… Alaric might be her father. God, I hope she doesn’t think he’s hot…

Average-Looking Hiker Dude: Hikes through the forrest, in the middle of the day, with cheerful sunlight beaming down on him, nary a care in the world.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Dude, what day is it?

Average-Looking Hiker Dude: Saturday.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: What year?

Average-Looking Hiker Dude: Um… two-thousand… ten…?

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Woah. Bummer. Well, it was nice to meet you! Fangs!

Thomas: So, all of Katherine’s vampire buddies have Rings of Not Exploding in the Sunlight. We’re less than a minute into this, and already the Plot: thickens.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Aaaand since you aren’t using these clothes anymore… yoink!

Elena Gilbert: Hey Bonnie I love you Bonnie and I miss you Bonnie and I’m sorry your Grandma died but I know what that’s like because my fake mother died only I didn’t know she was my fake mother so it really really sucked and I hope you come back soon because it’s in your contract and the producer would get all angry again! Bye bye!

Aunt Jenna: So, who wants to know about their biological mother?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, oh, I do, I do! Pick me, pick me!

Aunt Jenna: Okay! So I borrowed the medical records from you fathers practice, because HIPPA doesn’t apply on television, and then I used my awesome detective skills to track your mother’s sister-cousin-whatever down!

Elena Gilbert: You mean you used-

Aunt Jenna: That’s right! Bing!

Thomas: Eff you, show.

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, so your biological mother might be Alaric’s wife? But she’s dead!

Elena Gilbert: Oh no! That would mean both my mothers are dead! Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Nah, it can’t be. There’s no way your mother was married to a vampire slayer, and got eaten by Damon.

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: Hey look at the time got to go Damon needs me see you later call me babe! Two fingers, miming a phone.

Damon Salvatore: Is mourning Katherine’s loss/betrayal/indifference. And by “mourning,” of course, I mean “cavorting with and snacking on a bunch of mostly naked sorority chicks.”

Stefan Salvatore: So… did you eat Elena’s real mother?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, probably. Who can keep track, amiright? Anyway, I need to go exploit some women! TTFN!

Thomas: Really doesn’t have to change Damon’s dialog to make it funny.

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: Cuddle on the couch, watching some kind of sports show.

Caroline Forbes: This is boring. We should do something not boring.

Matt Donovan: Like…?

Caroline Forbes: Sexy time!

Mamma Donovan: Oh god, not on the couch.

Matt Donovan: Ah!

Caroline Forbes: Eep!

Matt Donovan: Strategically places a pillow on top of Caroline.

Aunt Jenna and Alaric Saltzman: Hang up a sign for the Mystic Falls Meat Parade

Aunt Jenna and Alaric Saltzman: Smootch!

Aunt Jenna: So… this seems like a convenient time to ask… were you married to Elena’s mother?

Alaric Saltzman: No way, Isobel never had a baby.

Aunt Jenna: You sure? Here, look at this photo I have on my Product Placement iPhone.

Alaric Saltzman:

Elena Gilbert: Is now driving a Product Placement… car I don’t recognize. But it’s sporty!

Elena Gilbert: So, do you know Isobel Flemming? And did she happen to look a lot like me when she was a teenager?

Trudi Peterson: OMG you’re her daughter!

Elena Gilbert: Well that was easy. Do you know who my daddy is?

Trudi Peterson: Yes I do, and holy hell does that answer scare the crap out of me. No, no I most certainly do not. Oh, tea’s done! Lemme go grab that!

Trudi Peterson (on her cell phone): She’s here!

Alaric Saltzman: So about your brother eating my wife…

Stefan Salvatore: Dude, now is seriously not the time.

Alaric Saltzman: …and Elena’s mother…

Stefan Salvatore: Jaw clench, angry pout, close face.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Kiss him kiss him kiss him!

Stefan Salvatore: I’ll deal with it. Stalks away angrily.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: They never kiss. Pout.

Alaric Saltzman: So whatcha up to babe?

Isobel Flemming: Nothing much. Just researching vampires!

Trudi Peterson: Hey, I’ve got some photos to distract you until the creeper I called shows up show you! And you haven’t touched your tea which I roofied!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, this tea tastes like anti-vampire pot!

Trudi Peterson: Hey look at the time well it was nice talking to you now could you please get the hell out of my house now k thnx bye!

Creepy Ass Old Guy: Lurks creepily in the middle of the street.

Ominous Music: Lets us know that we should be afraid. Thanks, music!

Alaric Saltzman: Deals with his grief in the traditional manner: alcoholism.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro, mind if I join you! Being sober is depressing!

Alaric Saltzman: You aren’t the type to get depressed.

Damon Salvatore: Do you… know me?

Alaric Saltzman: What me no never saw you before and I’m sure not looking for revenge for you eating my wife!

Damon Salvatore: Note to self: eat new history teacher.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, Sheriff Forbes! I’m mourning the loss of my psycho vampire ex! And your husband went gay! We have so much in common! We should be drinking buddies!

Sheriff Forbes: Hey, do you want to be part of our Bachelor Raffle?

Damon Salvatore: A room full of women, clamoring for a date with me? Sounds… tasty.

Thomas: Really, I just quote him. That’s all I need to do.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, and can you check out Alaric Saltzman for me? He seems shifty.

Creepy Ass Old Guy: Thanks for letting me know the kid showed up.

Trudi Peterson: Dies.

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Culture shock!

Some Woman on a Park Bench: Meaningful look.

Elena Gilbert: Stephan?

Damon Salvatore: Even better! Me! And I’m mostly naked!

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Stefan Salvatore: So… your mom was totally banging your history teacher.

Elena Gilbert: OMG WTF I have to talk to him.

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, so… could you not?

Elena Gilbert: What? Why?

Stefan Salvatore: Because Damon killed your mom and Alaric wants him dead. Oh, no reason. Innocent whistle.

Aunt Jenna: Sorry I had to tell you your wife had a kid! But now you can be bestest friends with her daughter, my niece, and your history student: Elena!

Alaric Saltzman: Hello bourbon, my best and only friend! Clang!

Caroline Forbes: My boyfriend is cougar bait!

Mamma Donovan: Hey Elena! You broke my son’s heart! Hey rebound girl from the couch!

Sheriff Forbes: So I did some checking. Alaric Saltzman’s wife was murdered. Her name’s Isobel. Here’s here picture!

Damon Salvatore:

Damon Salvatore: Hey Alaric! Did I ever tell you how I met your wife? Had a drink with her once. She was… delicious.

Thomas: Seriously. Direct quote.

Salt and Wound: Meet.

Stefan Salvatore: Facepalm.

Elena Gilbert: OMG WTF you rat bastard!

Damon Salvatore: Oh relax, he’s just the history teacher.

Elena Gilbert: That was my mother!

Damon Salvatore: …well that’s awkward.

Creepy Ass Old Guy: I have a message for you. Stop looking for your mother. She doesn’t want to know you.

Elena Gilbert: My mother’s alive! I have to find her.

Creepy Ass Old Guy: That’s… kind of like what I had in mind. But whetevs, my mission here is done. Plays in traffic.

That: Ends splat-ily.

Damon Salvatore: Are you really that stupid?

Alaric Saltzman: Yep! Stake lunge!

Damon Salvatore: Falcon punch!

Falcon Punch: Solves teen pregnancy. And vampire slayers.

Alaric Saltzman: What did you do to my wife?

Damon Salvatore: Slept with her, of course. Oh, and turned her into a vampire. And then slept with her again. Stab!

Alaric Saltzman: Gurgle, gurgle, dying.

Stefan Salvatore: WTF man? These are nice carpets!

Damon Salvatore: Whatevs, man. I’m going to go back to obsessing about Katherine. Later!

Alaric Saltzman: Twitch, groan, oh god I almost wish I was still dead.

Stefan Salvatore: Um, so you a vampire now?

Alaric Saltzman: Nope! My wife gave me a Ring of Not Dying When Damon Rams A Stake Through My Lung! The little strumpet.

Elena Gilbert: Dials the Creepy Ass Old Guy’s phone

Isobel Flemming: Was there a problem?

Elena Gilbert: Mommy?

Isobel Flemming: Click

The Vampire We’re All Pretending Wasn’t a Slave: Meets up with Pearl and Anna-No-Last-Name.

The Plot: Is already pretty thick, thank you very much.

Elena Gilbert: Ow why does my head hurt… and why am I in a strange bed… and why is there a vampire bartender sitting in a chair right beside me… oh crap.

Elena Gilbert: Sneak… sneak… sneak…

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Vampire hearing Elena trying to escape and waking up and scaring the crap out of her powers activate!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Don’t try to escape. Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Elena Gilbert: Gets all glassy-eyed, agrees dumbly, tries to escape anyway.

Anna No-Last-Name: Um, hello, idiot? She dates a vampire. She’s totes stocked up with anti-vampire pot. Idiot

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Sadface

Elena Gilbert: Well, here I am, locked in the bathroom in Shady Dealings Motel. Oh, hey, Bonnie is trapped in here with me!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m unconscious!

Stefan Salvatore: Dude they took my girlfriend you gotta help even though I totally stabbed you in the back last episode!

Damon Salvatore: Hm. I’m thinking… no.

Stefan Salvatore: Pleeeeeeease! Look, I’ll admit that I was a jerk and that you’re better than me and that you’re cuter than me and I’ll even say that you’re taller if you want just please help me get my hot girlfriend back!

Damon Salvatore: Well, when you put it that way…. no.

Stefan Salvatore: If I wasn’t such a pansy, I would totally get back at you for this.

Elena Gilbert: Bonnie, they need a witch to open the tomb to free Katherine to advance the plot!

Bonnie Bennet: I’ll never help them!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Oh, well, I guess we’ll just let you go then.

Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: Really?

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Ha! No! I’m gonna torture Elena until Bonnie behaves!

Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: Sadface

The Entire Cast: Hey! Remember us? We’re still in this show!

Caroline Forbes: Matt, I wrote a speech. It’s a “you kissed me and I don’t want things to get weird” speech.

Matt Donovan: That’s… weird.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Gramma B, have you seen Bonnie?

Grandma Bennet: Your kind ain’t welcome here, vampire. No matter how cute you are.

Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah? Step out here and say that!

Grandma Bennet: Steps out there.

Grandma Bennet: Super witch mind pain ray vampire felling powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Ow! Man, it sucks when they fight back!

Anna No-Last-Name: My mother is trapped in the tomb! Because she’s a vampire! Pout.

Elena Gilbert: My mother is trapped in a tomb! Because she’s dead! Pout.

Anna No-Last-Name: So, enough bonding. This your phone?

Elena Gilbert: Hey, gimme back my product placement blackberry!

Anna No-Last-Name: Ah ah ah! Hey Stephan, I’ve got your girlfriend and your witch. Let’s do lunch!

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fire with my water with my brain!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Stops, drops, rolls. Wow, that really works! And now I’m angry! This is my angry face! >:-= Grr!

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, wanna go to a party tonight? It’s by the cemetery in the woods, near the Ominous Vampire Tomb!

Anna No-Last-Name: Boy, do I!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Mutters ominous threats. Ominously.

Stefan Salvatore: Breaks down the door and tears down the curtains, letting the sunlight stream in, sending Vampire Ben screaming into the corner. Which is what the girls should have done, oh, an hour ago.

Stefan Salvatore: When the sun goes down, leave town. If I ever see you again, I will kill you.

Wesley Snipes as Blade: You better wake up. The world you live in is just a sugar-coated topping! There is another world beneath it – the real world. And if you wanna survive it, you better learn to pull the trigger!

Thomas: What Mr. Snipes meant to say is that Stephan is a huge girl, and might want to think about killing the evil demon monsters that keep kidnapping his girlfriend.

Elena Gilbert: Okay, look, I know I hurt you and I know you’re angry, but I promise cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die (but not really please don’t hurt me) that I’m telling you the truth! I’ll help you get Katherine back! Look, here’s my anti-vampire-pot necklace! Do the Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula> thing! Ask me if I’m lying.

Damon Salvatore: Steps in close, looks Elena in the eye, and… fastens her necklace around her throat.

Damon Salvatore: I trust you. Don’t make me regret it.

Thomas: That was… kind of hot, actually.

Caroline Forbes: Elena! Where have you been?

Elena Gilbert: Not plotting to unleash Damon’s psycho vampire ex, that’s for sure!

Matt Donovan: Hey, I’m Matt. We haven’t met.

Damon Salvatore: There’s a reason we haven’t. Let’s go. Grab’s Elena’s arm, drags her away.

Thomas: Brief aside: I know they’re trying to play up a whole “Caroline is insecure because Matt isn’t over Elena” thing, but after watching Damon drag her off like that, he would be totally right to be worried about her, and Caroline, who was eaten by Damon on numerous occasions, should understand that. Also: the whole creepy-stalker-edward-cullen-obsessive-controlling-boyfriend thing is not okay. </soapbox>

Stefan Salvatore: Magical supplies: check. Witches: check. Flamethrower for the other vampires: check. Okay, let’s do this thing!

Grandma Bennet: Casts a circle, calls the towers, and gets ready to rend the veil.

Thomas: Has already spotted half a dozen mistakes in her formula. Don’t ask.

Bonnie Bennet and Grandma Bennet: Mumble mumble something vaguely Latin.

The Seal to Katherine’s Tomb: Slides open like a low-budget stone prop.

Damon Salvatore: Sweet! So… I’m going to take Elena with me and get my psycho vampire ex back! Let’s go, insurance policy!

Anna No-Last-Name: I’m going to get my mommy back! And Ben the Vampire Bartender is going to eat Elena’s brother if you try to stop me!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Grr! Arg! Charge!

Stefan Salvatore: Clothesline!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Is that all you got?

Stefan Salvatore: Nope. I got this. Flamethrower!

Thomas and Wesley Snipes as Blade: Slow clap, building to thunderous applause.

Grandma Bennet: Hey, did I mention how I only opened the door, and didn’t break the seal? And how Elena can get out of the tomb because she’s human, but Damon and the rest are stuck down there forever?

Anna No-Last-Name: Mommy! You look thirsty! Bites Elena.

Elena Gilbert: Screams.

Stefan Salvatore: Rushes in stupidly heroically.

Damon Salvatore: Katherine’s not here. She’s not here. She’s not here! She’s not here! Throws a bag of blood on the ground. Epic. Sad. Face.

Elena Gilbert: Consoling hug.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Awwwwww!

Elena Gilbert: So you don’t remember anything? At all?

Jeremy Gilbert: Nope! And I’m definitely not going to Google “vampires in the real world” as soon as you’re gone!

Anna No-Last-Name and Mamma No-Last-Name: Have rather poor night vision, for vampires.

Damon Salvatore: Lurks creepily in the chair in the corner.

Damon Salvatore: Where’s Katherine? Throat grab! Menace! Grr!

Anna No-Last-Name: Oh, didn’t I mention? She turned one of the guards at the church into a vampire, and he let her go. She was in Chicago not too long ago. And is totally not that into you.

Damon Salvatore: Epic. Heart. Break.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Awwwwww!

Grandma Bennet: Well, that was quite a spell.

Grandma Bennet: Dies.

Bonnie Bennet: Grandma? Grandma! Grabs the Book of Shadows. I can fix this! I’m a witch! I’m a witch. I’m… a… witch…

Thomas: Is now Team Bonnie. Well played, show, well played.

Some Random Vampire: Grabs Damon’s bag of blood, drinks it, stumbles out into the night.

The Plot: Thickens.

A Creepy-Ass Carriage: Trundles down a dark, woodsy path.

Katherine Pierce and Damon Salvatore: Wait for the Creep-Ass Carriage to run them over.

This: Will become much more dramatic when someone invents the internal combustion engine.

Rich Southern Drawl Guy: It ain’t safe out here, ma’am!

Katherine Pierce: Why, no, it isn’t! Fangs!

Rich Southern Drawl Guy: Dies.

Let’s Pretend That This Guy Isn’t A Slave: Also dies.

Katherine Pierce: Is a messy eater, and a sloppy kisser.

Damon Salvatore: Is strangely all right with this.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Cuddly nakedly.

Damon Salvatore: Morning, guys!

Elena Gilbert: Eep! Cover-snatch!

Damon Salvatore: Please, if I see something I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.

Damon Salvatore: Gets all the best lines.

Damon Salvatore: So, you guys look for the journal that will lead us to the Book of Shadows that will lead us to some other McGuffin that will eventually lead us to Katherine. I’m going to go eat someone. Tootles!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Wait for it… wait for it… smooch!

Katherine Pierce and Damon Salvatore: Giggle, tussle, smooch, fangs!

Asian Vampire Chick: So, the townsfolk are hitting up the anti-vampire pot. We’re getting really close to pitchforks-and-torches again. Time to move on?

Katherine Pierce: Pish tosh! I’m not done sullying the Salvatore brothers yet!

Anna No-Last-Name: Sup folks! Bet you never would have guessed that I have a long and torturous past with Katherine and the Salvatores, would you?

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Ow! Sunlight burns!

Anna No-Last-Name: You’re a vampire. And an idiot.

Elena Gilbert: So, do you think Damon’s figured out we’re gonna stab him in the back yet?

Stefan Salvatore: Nah! I’m sure that my evil, deceitful brother, who has a century and a half’s worth of experience lying and detecting lies, trusts me fully.

Elena Gilbert: And if he manages to set Katherine fee?

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, you know. Wholesale slaughter, the end of days, the usual. Also, probably cake. Katherine loves cake.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, look at all the old crap you guys found! It’s almost as old as the journal of our vampire-slaying forefather, which I lent to Alaric “Why No, I’m Not a Vampire Slayer” Saltzman!

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Significant look.

Alaric Saltzman: Treats one-hundred-and-fifty year old historical relics with all the care and concern you’d show an old issue of TV Guide.

Creepy Shadow Vampire: Creeps through the shadows.

Alaric Saltzman: Pulls a pneumatic stake launcher out of his school locker.

Thomas: 0_o

Alaric Saltzman: Stake launch!

Stefan Salvatore: Stake catch! Teacher throw! So, what’s with the Van Helsing routine?

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, you know. Wife murdered by vampires, sworn to a life of secrecy and revenge, became a high school history teacher because the girls are hot. The usual.

Stefan Salvatore: The Gilbert journal?

Alaric Saltzman: On my desk.

Stefan Salvatore: No it’s not.

Alaric Saltzman: Oh… poop. sadface

Anna No-Last-Name: Blah blah blah, stilted English, oh creepy he thought my mom was hot, Katherine is going to turn the Salvatore brothers, Damon has daddy issues… God, this diary sucks. Is Jersey Shore on or something?

Damon Salvatore: Cooks dinner for Aunt Jenna.

Aunt Jenna: Hey, have I ever told you how my single defining character trait is talking about my bad romances? See, there was this guy, Logan Fell… Slams a glass of wine.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, yeah, him. They never found his body him, did they? Hey, here, have more wine!

Elena Gilbert: Um…

Alaric Saltzman: Oh, by the way, your brother was totes the guy who ate my wife, and I’m totes going to ram a stake through his dead, black heart.

Stefan Salvatore: You… might want to keep that tidbit to yourself.

Damon Salvatore: So, can I trust Stephan?

Elena Gilbert: What? Why would you say that? That’s crazy talk! Of course you can trust him he’s your brother and he loves you and he would never lie to you and he would certainly never hatch a plan to lock you in a magic witch tomb with your psycho ex vampire lover so that he can finally catch up on Days of Our Lives without worrying about whether or not you’re going to eat the cleaning lady! Nervous laugh.

Damon Salvatore: Well, that was… convincing.

Stefan Salvatore: So, I’m thinking about telling Dad that we’re both shacking up with a vampire.

Damon Salvatore: Our dad, the Founder and President of the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, and Treasurer of the “We Hate Vampires” club? That dad? Sure, sounds like a great plan. Idiot.

Aunt Jenna: Your hot boyfriend’s hot brother is hot! And he cooks!

Damon Salvatore: Smirk.

Elena Gilbert: He’s an ass.

Damon Salvatore: Eye roll.

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Sings Metallica Karaoke

Thomas: Has been there, done that.

Bonnie Bennet: I love Elena! I’d like die for her!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: That can be arranged.

Bonnie Bennet: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: So, about the weird hot asian chick that’s always asking about Gilbert the Vampire Slayer’s journal?

Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah, she’s so clingy. She wants to meet at the grill tonight.

Damon Salvatore: Great! I’ll drive!

Damon Salvatore: Hey, that weird hot stalker asian chick looks a lot like Katherine’s vampire friend’s… daughter… OMG WTF?!? Dun dun dun!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, it says here that your father promised to carry the secrets of the Book of Shadows with him to his grave!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, I bet that totally doesn’t mean it’s literally buried in his coffin with him! And there’s no way Damon’s going to go exhuming his body or anything wacky like that!

Stefan Salvatore: So, dad, I was thinking… how do we know vampires are all evil? What if one of them was good? And hot? Like, really, really hot?

Daddy Salvatore: What? Have you any evidence of this foolishness? Have you even met a vampire?

Stefan Salvatore: What? No! Haha! Of course I’ve never met a vampire. And I’ve definitely never wink-wink-ed and nudge-nudge-ed one. Why do you ask? Nervous laugh.

Stefan Salvatore: Holy crap, the Book of Shadows is literally buried in his coffin with him! And we’re going to go exhuming his body or something wacky like that!

Damon Salvatore: Throat grab!

Anna No-Last-Name: Throat grab!

Damon Salvatore: Okay, okay, we both let go on three… two… one…

Stefan Salvatore: You’re hot.

Katherine Pierce: I know. Tackle, smooch, bite! Gag! Anti-vampire pot!

Daddy Salvatore: What ho! Her true form is revealed! You go get the Sheriff! And I shall stand here ineffectively, watching her until she inevitably recovers and murders me!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: So, the night is young and I’m all yours… what do you want to do?

Bonnie Bennet: This! Smooch! Gasp! Freak out and quickly recover!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Wait, what’s wrong?

Bonnie Bennet: Oh, nothing! I just should have waited until the end of the night to kiss you! I totally didn’t have a psychic flash of impending doom and death and woe, like I did the first time I touched Stephan, who is also a vampire! Nervous laugh. Hey, I have to run to the bathroom real quick!

Ben the Vampire Bartender: Okay! Oh, and by the way, Fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: Digs up his father’s grave.

Elena Gilbert: Helps by standing by and making inane comments.

Damon Salvatore: Hey guys! That sure is a nice Book of Shadows you got there!

Damon Salvatore: So, since you’re obviously not going to just give me the Book of Shadows… hey Elena, here, drink some of my blood!

Elena Gilbert: Gurgle, cough, sputter!

Damon Salvatore: So… gimme the book, or I snap her neck, which would turn her into a vampire, which wold mean you’d have to put up with her forever.

Stefan Salvatore: Well since you put it that way…

Daddy Salvatore: Slaps a Vampire Chastity Belt over Katherine’s fangs.

Damon Salvatore: Stephan! I’ll never forgive you for this! At least until the second season!

Anna No-Last-Name: Me, either!

Stefan Salvatore: Sadface.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, have you guys seen Anna No-Last-Name?

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what? Super speed Elena protecting vampire powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Is missing.

The Window: Is open conspicuously.

The Plot: Thickens.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Cuddle on Stephan’s bed

Elena Gilbert: So, you know that vampire whose face I didn’t see, and who you’ve never met? Do you know who he is yet?

Stefan Salvatore: No, but I did bring you some anti-min-whammy anti-vampire-pot. I made it into a friendship bracelet!

Elena Gilbert: Squee! You’re the best undead boyfriend that used to date someone that looked exactly like me and killed dozens and dozens of people ever!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hey, your pizza’s here.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, <blink>come on in</blink>, I have to get some cash from my sister.

Thomas: Note: anyone that is ever explicitly invited into the Gilbert household will, in fact, turn out to be a vampire.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Dons a sweatshirt suspiciously similar to the Shadowy Figure of Mystery from Episode Ten and Eleven.

Damon Salvatore: Tears through the Salvatore Library like a vampire looking for a Book of Shadows that will release hit long-lost psycho vampire lover from her eternal tomb.

Stefan Salvatore: So, about you taking my girlfriend to Atlanta…

Damon Salvatore: So, about you being a hundred and sixty three years old and dating a girl that’s still in high school…

Edward Cullen: Oh, burn.

Alaric Saltzman: So, for your essay on how the impossibly high number of “Deaths Due to Animal Mauling and Subsequent Loss of Blood” are actually caused by vampires… you get an ‘A’.

Jeremy Gilbert: Score!

Alaric Saltzman: But you don’t really believe in vampires, do you? Because that would be totally silly and not at all the reason I came to Mystic Falls and oh can I have the diary of your vampire-slaying uncle? Nervous laugh.

Jeremy Gilbert: Um… yes?

Jeremy Gilbert: Score!

Elena Gilbert: Hey, I got you an anti-min-whammy anti-vampire-pot necklace!

Caroline Forbes: A lesbian friendship necklace! It’s what I’ve always wanted!

Elena Gilbert: That’s… not what I said.

The Producer: No, that’s okay, roll with it.

Elena Gilbert: Also, I wanted to tell you that I’m totally cool with you seeing me ex.

Caroline Forbes: Oh, er, um, I was totally going to talk to you about that, but then I didn’t because I was afraid, and also busy being the Designated Blood Donor for every vampire within a hundred miles. Also: Matt Donovan: totally not over you.

Elena Gilbert: Aw, Caroline! I’m with Stephan now! Matt has to move on, and you’d be a great second choice!

Caroline Forbes: …

The Recent Graduate Bartender: So, Matt, what’s up?

Matt Donovan: Oh, nothing, just lamenting the fact that I suck at football and am going to end up working in a bar like you.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Well, thanks for dropping by!

Elena Gilbert: I’m adopted!

Bonnie Bennet: I’m supportive!

Elena Gilbert: I’m going shopping!

Bonnie Bennet: I’ll pay the bill!

Damon Salvatore: I need your help!

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my mind. Fires that kill vampires. Like you.

Thomas: Really, she said “I can start fires with my mind.” She was one word away from making my recaps cannon.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Macho posturing powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: Smirks and decides not to kill him. At least not immediately.

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Bonnie, you’re hot.

Bonnie Bennet: That’s because I can start fires with my brain!

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: rings

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hey, just calling to let you know that I’m watching you. Get into your car. From across the street.

Elena Gilbert: Please drive faster than a vampire can run, please drive faster than a vampire can run, please drive faster than a vampire can run.

Elena Gilbert: Why is he taunting me like this? Why doesn’t he just get it over with?

Stefan Salvatore: What, are you kidding? Staking your prey, driving them slowly insane with fear, and shattering their every illusion of safety is the best part!

Elena Gilbert: …okay, that was creepy.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, and I brought you your ancestral vampire-compass-cum-pocket-watch. This way, we’ll alway know when you’re in danger!

Thomas: You know how else we’ll know she’s in danger? The big dark scary guy with the fangs.

Caroline Forbes and Matt Donovan: Have a cute moment, Caroline says something dumb, Matt storms off.

Thomas: Knows that this will pay off in a later episode, but really wants someone to get eaten already.

Anna No-Last-Name: Hey so how did you do on the paper and how are you doing in general and hey would you like to hang out tonight and hey would you like to give me babies?

Jeremy Gilbert: So, I was just…. going… elsewhere.

Thomas: Adds Anna No-Last-Name to his character list, even though he knows she’s going to die soon, because she has no last name.

Elena Gilbert: So, I’m going to ignore the ridiculous costume you’re wearing and get right to the point. Me. Adopted. Talk.

Aunt Jenna: So… one night a sixteen year old pregnant girl showed up on your parent’s doorstep and your parents took her in and then she popped you out and then she took off, and your parents really really really wanted a baby and there you were being all baby like and your mom was like “wow, this is so much easier than being pregnant for nine months, let’s just keep this one,” and you’re dad was like “cool,” and he was a doctor so he forged a birth certificate, oh and your mother’s name is Isabel.

Thomas: Elena’s mother’s name is (almost) Bella. Of course.

Stefan Salvatore: So here’s the book you were looking for. I already read through it. It ain’t gonna help. But, I’m so eager to get you out of my town that I’ll help you free Katherine, if that’s what it’ll take.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, right! The old “pretend to help your vampire brother resurrect his vampire girlfriend to gain his trust and absence and also stake him in the back” ploy!

Stefan Salvatore: Wow, projecting much?

Elena Gilbert: Does her hair.

Elena Gilbert’s Vampire Compass Pocket Watch: Points toward the vampire creeping up behind her.

The Ominous Music: Is ominous

Elena Gilbert: Calls Stephan.

Damon Salvatore: Stephan’s phone. I’m way hotter than he is. What’s up?

Elena Gilbert: Help please help vampire help compass help scared.

Damon Salvatore: Relax, it’s just my brother. He was heading over to your place, and forgot his phone. It’s not like there’s a creepy ass pizza delivery vampire hanging on your ceiling.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Is hanging on the ceiling.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Fangs! Throat lunge!

Stefan Salvatore: Chivalrous rage of chivalry powers activate!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Super-fast vampire running away powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: Tremble.

Stefan Salvatore: Comfort.

Thomas: He is so getting some tonight.

Stefan Salvatore: So what do we do?

Damon Salvatore: Simple, use your girlfriend as bait, lure the CAPDV out, and kill him until he’s dead.

Elena Gilbert: Works for me!

The Big Bopper: Is played.

Hair: Is poofy.

Poodle Skirts: Are worn.

Alaric Saltzman: Still has his Letterman’s Jacket

Caroline Forbes: So… Damon’s here. You having a threesome, Elena?

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: No.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Pout.

Aunt Jenna: Hey Alaric, did I tell you about this personality quirk I have, where I have to discuss painful relationship trauma every time I go on an almost-date? Speaking of, what’s the deal with your dead wife?

Thomas: Head. Desk.

Damon Salvatore: Can’t get a date for the dance. Sadface.

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Sway to the music.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Shows up wearing his hoodie. This is supposed to be intimidating.

Anna No-Last-Name: Shows up at the school dance.

Jeremy Gilbert: Totally calls her out for acting like they’re dating when they’re not.

Thomas: Is impressed.

Bonnie Bennet: The hot bartender is hot!

Caroline Forbes: Please. People that work in bars are so classless.

Matt Donovan: Hey, what’s up. coughbitchcough

Alaric Saltzman: Hey… Damon, was it? So, how’s your brother doing? You live here your whole life? Travel much? Where do you go? Why did you kill my wife? Did you try the punch?

Damon Salvatore: Wait… what was that last bit?

Alaric Saltzman: The punch? It’s great. Don’t tell anyone, but I think someone spiked it with anti-vampire pot.

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, do you like karaoke?

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Nope.

Bonnie Bennet: 🙁

The Recent Graduate Bartender: But I do like you.

Bonnie Bennet: 😀

Caroline Forbes: Matt, why are you avoiding me?

Matt Donovan: Oh, I don’t know, could it be that you somehow manage to say something that demeans me every time you open your mouth?

Anna No-Last-Name: Hey, can I borrow your vampire-hunting uncle’s vampire hunting journal? I need it I need it I need it!

Jeremy Gilbert: Sorry, I loaned it to my vampire-hunting history teacher.

Anna No-Last-Name: Almost fangs!

Thomas: Did not see that coming.

Elena Gilbert: Teach me to dance like they did in the 50’s!

Stefan Salvatore: I’m thinking: no.

Elena Gilbert: Pout.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, fine. Twirl, toss, throw, smooch!

Thomas: Is pretty sure he could pull that off. Judo is good for something.

Anna No-Last-Name and the Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Are working together!

The Plot: Is not allowed to thicken yet. Wait till the end of the recap.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Stalks out of the gymnasium.

Stefan Salvatore: Pursues.

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Was a decoy!

The Real Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Threatens Elena’s brother to get her to leave the crowd.

Elena Gilbert: Tries to outrun a guy that can outrun a car.

Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Fang block! Stake toss! Jack Bauer impersonation! Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire staking powers activate!

Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Dies.

Anna No-Last-Name: Sadface.

Alaric Saltzman: Shockedface

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Alaric Saltzman: Iiiiiiiii have anti-vampire pooooooooooooot.</van-helsing>

Caroline Forbes: We need to talk!

Matt Donovan: I don’t want to ruin out friendship.

Thomas: 0_o

Caroline Forbes: You don’t want to ruin out friendship! Fine! It’s ruined!

Thomas: 0_o

Alaric Saltzman: Hey, thanks for letting me vent about my dead ex-wife. Hey, did I mention that her name is Isabel? You know, like Elena’s biological mother?

Thomas: 0_o

Matt Donovan: Caroline, wait!

Caroline Forbes: :-p

Matt Donovan: Smooch!

Elena Gilbert: That was exciting!

Stefan Salvatore: Sure was. You know what’s going to be even more exciting? When we trick my brother into believing he can trust us, and pretend to help him free Katherine, and then it backfires on us, and we really do free Katherine, and she eats the entire town!

Elena Gilbert: You’re so hot!

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Locks up.

Anna No-Last-Name: Fangs!

The Recent Graduate Bartender: Fangs!

Anna No-Last-Name and The Recent Graduate Bartender: Smooch!

The Plot: Thickens.

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, I know you probably thought it was creepy, the way I had a photograph of a woman from a hundred and forty years ago that looks exactly like you, who also happens to be a vampire, and also also happens to be the vampire that made me into a stud vampire, but if you just come back I can totally mind whammy you explain everything.

Shadowy Figure of Mystery: lurks in the middle of the road

Elena Gilbert: smack! car flip! head trauma!

Shadowy Figure of Mystery: Well that was momentarily inconvenient. stalks hungrily

Elena Gilbert: Aieeeee!

Shadowy Figure of Mystery: runs away

Damon Salvatore: knight in tarnished armor powers activate!

Alaric Saltzman: writes emo in his journal on his computer, dons a sweater that looks oddly like the one worn by the Shadowy Figure of Mystery, and flashes back to happier times when his wife wasn’t missing or dead or a Republican or whatever her trauma is.

Damon Salvatore: Road trip!

Elena Gilbert: WTF? Where are we?

Damon Salvatore: Georgia!

Elena Gilbert: WTF? OMG I was in a car wreck and I hit a guy except he wasn’t a guy he was like immortal or something and that surprises me even though I’m riding in a car with a vampire and no one knows where I am and I lost my cell phone and I need my cell phone because I’m a teenage girl and it’s like a law or something and OMG and emo and stop the car now please!

Damon Salvatore: Wow. You were way more fun when you were unconscious.

Elena Gilbert: pout

Damon Salvatore: Hey, is that a bare neck where your magic anti-mind-whammy necklace used to be? You know, I could totally make you more… agreeable… right now.

Damon Salvatore: is able to consistently out-creeper Edward Cullen

Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: rings

Elena Gilbert: Hey that’s my phone gimme gimme gimme!

Damon Salvatore: Sure, here you go. It’s Stephan.

Elena Gilbert: Never mind, you keep it. sulk

Damon Salvatore: smirk

Stefan Salvatore: phone smash!

Elena Gilbert: Really, I want to go home now.

Damon Salvatore: Come on, babe! Live a little! There’s this great BBQ joint right outside of Atlanta.

Elena Gilbert: Can I trust you not to mind-whammy me?

Damon Salvatore: innocent whistle

Alaric Saltzman: Oh noes, I have lost my magic ring of not exploding in the sunlight! Yet I am walking around in the sunlight! Perhaps the guy who was not a vampire in the books is not a vampire in the series, either!

Fans of the Books: put down their torches and pitchforks. but keep them close by

Stefan Salvatore: So, awkward attempt at small talk aside, can you use your witch-powers to make sure my girlfriend isn’t being eaten by my psycho brother?

Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch!

Thomas: God, that girl is annoying.

Bonnie Bennet: Wait, my powers aren’t working! I’m not a witch!

Thomas: Oh please, please let this be true. (hint: it isn’t)

Elena Gilbert: You brought me to a bar? In Georgia?

Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: Damon? Smooch! Shots all around! Also, like every African-American woman on the show, I’m a witch!

Thomas: expletive deleted

Jeremy Gilbert and Anna No-Last-Name: meet cute

Cute Young Murder Victim Clock: starts ticking

Bonnie Bennet: Help help help my brain powers are gone!

Grandma Bennet: Oh honey, you’re just blocked up. You need to clear yourself out.

Bonnie Bennet: You mean, like a bran muffin?

Damon Salvatore: So, can you help me break into Katherine’s tomb?

Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: Sorry, babe, that tomb is sealed up for time and eternity, no way to get in, and no way to get out.

Bonnie Bennet: takes a walk through the woods, falls down a mine shaft and into Katherine’s tomb

Thomas: head. desk.

Elena Gilbert: So, if I’m related to Katherine, does that make me part vampire?

Damon Salvatore: No, vampires can’t procreate. But we love to try.

Thomas: Best. Quote. Ever.

Damon Salvatore: By the way, I can totally eat pickles, because blood makes my body work pretty much like a living human’s. </interesting-mythology-moment>

Elena Gilbert: makes a whiskey face when she drinks beer

Stefan Salvatore: rescues Bonnie

Bonnie Bennet: I’m alive!

Thomas: Yeah, yeah, we know. grumble

Elena Gilbert: Whoo I am the queen of shots whoo! One more round!

Damon Salvatore: 0_o

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: wanders casually into the bar

Elena Gilbert: Whoo I am the queen of pool whoo!

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: kidnap!

Damon Salvatore: search!

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: ambush! You killed my girlfriend, who the readers may know as Lexi, Stephan’s hot naked friend from out of town!

Elena Gilbert: No, please, do not hurt the lying, murdering, evil psychopath with the wind-blown hair and soulful eyes!

Mysterious Vampire Hunting Vampire: Very well, human girl I’ve known for all of twenty seconds, you have changed my mind! Vengeance is for… vengeful… people. Away!

Damon Salvatore: So, Bree, about that guy you brought in to kill me…

Six Foot Tall Amazonian Bartender: So, um, I can totally help you get your psycho ex out of her tomb if you’ll just let me live oh and I spiked my drink with anti-vampire pot so you can’t eat me!

Damon Salvatore: Duly noted. rips her heart out of her chest. literally

Thomas: standing ovation

Elena Gilbert: So, about this crazy vampire chick that looks exactly like me and that you’re probably thinking about when we’re wink wink-ing and nudge nudge-ing…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, did I mention how I was there the day your parents died, and I’m the one who pulled you out of the car, and how I tried to save your parents, too, but I was too late? And then I went all Edward Cullen on you to make sure you weren’t really my psycho vampire ex come back from the un-un-dead?

Elena Gilbert: Then why do I look so much like her?

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, you didn’t know? You were adopted. Surprise!

Elena Gilbert: weep

Stefan Salvatore: comfort

Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: smooch!

Flashback time!

Damon Salvatore: snacks on Alaric Saltzman’s wife

Alaric Saltzman: looks on in impotent rage

The Plot: thickens

Aunt Jenna: Look, (Probably a Vampire) Logan, I just told Hot New English Teacher Guy that he couldn’t come inside tonight, and there’s no way I’m inviting you in, either.

Thomas: You tell him, Jenna. Or at least keep him distracted while I move Logan’s name off of my “characters that are dead, and thus irrelevant” list.

Logan Fell: Oh, come on, we both know you have no self esteem, and you’ll do what any reasonably attractive guy tells you to do.

Aunt Jenna: So, insults? Not a turn on, as such. door slam!

Logan Fell: Curses! Fortunately, there’s an old man…er, a nubile young jogger, upon whom to quench my insatiable thirst! fangs!

Nubile Young Jogger: dies

Jeremy Gilbert: reads his grandfather’s worn old journal filled with emo poetry, occult symbols, and drawings of monsters. This inspires him to break out his sketch book, also filled with drawings of monsters. Well, at least The Count, from Sesame Street.

Annoyingly Happy Music: starts playing

The Director: would like to remind you that Elena is hot.

Aunt Jenna: So, what’s up with your hot boyfriend?

Elena Gilbert: He’s leaving town, and I stopped asking him questions. His answers are scary.

Thomas: Odds that this statement comes up when Elena inevitably starts sleeping with Stefan? Very high.

Aunt Jenna: Oh, by the way, Logan dropped by. Don’t invite him in, he’ll eat you.

Damon Salvatore: So, brother, where are we headed?

Stefan Salvatore: I am getting as far away from your best-friend murdering, Uncle’s neck snapping, teenager-eating, evil ass as possible.

Damon Salvatore: sadface

Sheriff Forbes: Hi, boys! So, that vampire you killed? Not the only one. Someone got themselves eaten last night. Help us help us we’re weak and afraid please help?

Damon Salvatore: WTF?

Stefan Salvatore: WTF?

Matt Donovan and Caroline Forbes: flirt flirtatiously

Tyler Lockwood: looks on grumpily

Bonnie Bennet: So, I’m sort of grateful to Stefan, for saving my life and all.

Elena Gilbert: Yeah, well, I’ll pass that along, if I ever see him again, which I won’t because he doesn’t love me and he’s leaving town and oh emo.

Bonnie Bennet: Thank God, I hated that freak!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?

Stefan Salvatore: You said no more killing!

Damon Salvatore: Bro, chill! It wasn’t me. Though the presence of another vampire does conveniently rule out your plan to skip town, doesn’t it?

Random Blond Chick We’ll Never See Again: walks across the school yard with Elena, to make it seem like there are more than ten people in Mystic Falls.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Elena! Just dropped by to squeeze your wounded heart a little. Also, new vampire in town, get home before dark. Tootles!

Damon Salvatore: gets Caroline Forbes to use the Magic Vampire Compass to track the Evil Careless Jogger Eater, then Dracula-eyes her into leaving, because she’s vapid and annoying. So, mostly what I’m saying is that I’m a fan of Damon.

Damon Salvatore: Hey, you know what’s better than picking a lock? Ripping the door off the hinges.

Logan Fell: So, thanks for turning me into a vampire. Jerk. gunshots!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, totally wasn’t me. I don’t even like you. No way I want to spend eternity with you. Also: real nice, leaving that body lying around.

Logan Fell: What? I got tired! I’ve been careful with the rest. Look, I hid them in the back of this warehouse, right over there, in plain sight.

Damon Salvatore: facepalm

Mystic Falls High School: Welcome to Career Day! Your options include: Sports Star, Joining the Military, or Being Stuck in This Lame Town Forever, Cursing the Day You Were Born. Choose carefully!

Elena Gilbert, Matt Donovan, Stefan Salvatore, and Caroline Forbes: are doing their best to form an It Was All Just A Big Mistake Love Rectangle. This thing is more complicated than Voltron.

Logan Fell: So, I’m all emo now, and I want to know how you can walk in the sun when I can’t, because that’s not in the journals we Watchers all pass around, and also, more gunshots!

Damon Salvatore: Ouch.

Stefan Salvatore: So, speaking of career fairs, I have a lot of interests that I’m only going to mention vaguely, so that the writers don’t have to think of them.

Elena Gilbert: But you didn’t love anything enough to stick with it?

Thomas: Oh, burn.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, no, I loved it all, but I have to skip town before anyone can notice I’m not getting any older.

Elena Gilbert: So you always ditch after a little while?

Stefan Salvatore: Haha, yeah, I’m never in one place for very long.

Thomas: Bro, subtext. The girl is not talking about your career!

Stefan Salvatore: So, what are your plans?

Elena Gilbert: Oh, you know, growing old, becoming a withered husk, dying alone and miserable.

Aunt Jenna: Hey guys! Logan’s here!

Stefan Salvatore: Huh, that’s odd, what with him being dead and all. Elena, why don’t you take your Aunt out for ice cream while I kill the nice vampire.

Logan Fell: I wanna walk in the day! Tell me how, or I’ll expose you on TV,

Stefan Salvatore: Son, I was eating people before you were in diapers. Step off.

Elena Gilbert: So, this is going to sound strange, but don’t ever talk to Logan again. For serious. If you do, you’re totally grounded.

Aunt Jenna: But I’m twenty!

Alaric Saltzman: Hi, hot girl I met at the bar!

Elena Gilbert: Good! Talk to this guy! There’s nothing odd or creepy about him at all!

Aunt Jenna: Okay!

Damon Salvatore: So, Logan’s the vampire, I got shot, and I’m angry. Also, shirtless.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: squee!

Jacob “Abs” Black: I did that first.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: squee!

Stefan Salvatore: facepalm

Caroline Forbes: I’m totally into broadcast journalism now, even though I’ve never shown even the slightest interest before this very moment! And I totally need a ride home! If only a dashing broadcast journalist would drive by and offer me a ride! Also, it’s been a real long time since a vampire has snacked on me…

Logan Fell: Hey, Caroline! Would you like a ride home from a dashing broadcast journalist?

Caroline Forbes: Boy, would I!

Thomas: facepalm

Logan Fell: smashes Caroline’s head against the window, leaving a bloody smear.

Thomas: did not see that coming.

Caroline Forbes: is apparently this town’s Designated Donor, now that Vicki’s dead.

Mayor Lockwood: tries to start his own little Fight Club, with his son Logan and Jeremy Gilbert.

Alaric Saltzman: So, this is totally not cool, bro.

Mayor Lockwood: Do I look like one of your students?

Alaric Saltzman: No, you look like a full-grown, alpha-male douche bag.

Thomas: is now a member of Team Alaric.

Thomas: is now also a member of Team Alaric Needs to Change His Name to Something Less Gay.

Logan Fell: So Sheriff, thanks for leaving me to get eaten and vamped. Your daughter is about to join me! </cell-phone>

Stefan Salvatore: emo newborn vampire interrupting powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: gunshots!

Stefan Salvatore: innocent young girl taking away powers activate!

Damon Salvatore: So, who turned you?

Logan Fell: No idea, but I can totally help you get into the tomb where your psycho evil vampire ex girlfriend is trapped.

Damon Salvatore: Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Tyler Lockwood: punches out Jeremy Gilbert

Jeremy Gilbert: What is your problem, man?

Tyler Lockwood: I don’t know!

The Full Moon: hangs conspicuously in the background

Stefan Salvatore: I have to leave! I’m doing it for your own good!

Elena Gilbert: Screw that! You don’t get to make my decisions for me!

Bella Swan: I know what all of those words mean, but when you put them together in that order, they stop making sense…

Elena Gilbert: I love you, Stefan! passionate kiss!

Stefan Salvatore: I love you, Elena! fangs! shame!

Elena Gilbert: Don’t hide from me! I think your bloodshot, veiny eyes are hot!

Stefan Salvatore: Score!

Elena Gilbert: Tasteful almost-nudity now?

Stefan Salvatore: Yes please.

Edward Cullen: This is not appropriate!

Stefan Salvatore: You know, he’s right.

The Screen: fades appropriately to black

Logan Fell: stalks from his secret warehouse hideout

A Mysterious Crashing Noise: crashes mysteriously

Alaric Saltzman: appears suddenly

Logan Fell: fangs!

Alaric Saltzman: stake!

Thomas: moves Logan back to the “characters that are dead, and thus irrelevant” list

Team Alaric: confirmed

Stefan Salvatore: So, now that you’re appropriately wearing my shirt, are you thirsty?

Elena Gilbert: Kinda. You? Oh, nevermind. neck cover

Stefan Salvatore: Well, I’m going to go get you something to drink. Why don’t you look around at all my stuff. The photo of the girl I’m obsessed with, that looks exactly freaking like you, is on the desk. See you in a minute!

Elena Gilbert: OMG! This photo of the girl Stefan is obsessed with looks exactly freaking like me! storms off

Sheriff Forbes: Hey Damon, we found Logan’s body. Thanks!

Damon Salvatore: WTF? sadface

Stefan Salvatore: finds the locket he gave Elena sitting on top of Katherine’s picture

Stefan Salvatore: Well that didn’t go how I expected.

Elena Gilbert: drives weepily, runs over a vampire

Mysterious Vampire: cracks his limbs back into place, stalks towards Elena

Elena Gilbert: terrified shriek

The Screen: cuts to black.

The Vampire Diaries: is on hiatus for the next eight weeks

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: anguished cry

Bonnie Bennet: sees the Ghost of Emily Bennet wandering through her school, and gets up to follow her.

Bonnie’s Math Teacher: is totally okay with this

Bonnie Bennet: Hey, um, how did we end up in a cemetery in the middle of the woods, near the ruins of the Salvatore homestead?

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: This is where it all started, and this is where it has to end. And if you don’t help me, I’m totally going to go all Samara Morgan on you.

Bonnie Bennet: wakes up; the romp through the woods was just a dream. No, wait! Waking up in math class was just a dream! Bonnie wakes up in the woods. For real this time.

Thomas: is confused. And slightly bored. Can Damon eat somebody now, please?

Annoying History Teacher: has been replaced by Alaric Saltzman, who is approximately six months older than the kids he’s teaching. He probably has a triple Doctorate.

Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan, sorry I killed your hot friend from out of town last episode. I brought you Starbucks, we cool?

Alaric Saltzman: So Jeremy, Annoying History Teacher left me a Jackass File, of which you were the primary topic. Also, you have no hope of passing. Want to do some extra credit?

Jeremy Gilbert: Boy do I!

Alaric Saltzman: Sweet. Why don’t you go write me a history paper about vampires in Mystic Falls? Also: how do you like my Magic Don’t Explode in the Sunlight ring?

Matt Donovan: Hey. chin nod

Caroline Forbes: Hey? Hey! Is that the best you can do? We spent the night together! We cuddled! And I’m not letting guys walk all over me any more! (Unless they can do that whole Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes</dracula> thing. That kind of sucks.)

Matt Donovan: So, drama queen much?

Stefan Salvatore: So, I took your advice and didn’t murder my brother. Also, I’m not coming to school any more, and we totally can’t see each other.

Elena Gilbert: lip-tremble, grr

Stefan Salvatore: You’re mad. Good. It’ll be easier if you hate me.

Elena Gilbert: wants him even more now

Damon Salvatore: Hey Bonnie, have I shown you my sexy-but-creepy, helpful-but-threatening routine? It’s epic. Also, gimme my necklace!

Elena Gilbert: So what are you going to do about this necklace?

Bonnie Bennet: throws the necklace into the woods

Elena Gilbert: Well okay then.

Aunt Jenna: Wow, the hot new history teacher is hot.

Jeremy Gilbert: I can introduce you, we’re old buddies.

Aunt Jenna: Nah, that’s okay, every guy I date ends up getting eaten by vampires, and I’d like to keep him around for a few episodes.

Elena Gilbert: So what’s Damon want with this necklace?

Stefan Salvatore: I’ll get it out of him. goes looking for implements of torture

Stefan Salvatore: So, the bottle?

Damon Salvatore: Look, I can either drink blood, or tequila. You pick.

Stefan Salvatore: One more round, then?

Caroline Forbes: So I decided you can keep the Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom.

Bonnie Bennet: Aw, thanks, Caroline! BTW, I threw it into the woods this afternoon.

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: I’m baaaaaaaack! dun dun dun!

Bonnie Bennet: So, I’m a witch.

Caroline Forbes: Wow, you got that right!

Bonnie Bennet: No, the other kind of witch! The one that’s Psychic, and can start fires with her brain!

Aunt Jenna: Well, looks like Jeremy totally ditched me.

Alaric Saltzman: That hardly seems like him…

Jeremy Gilbert: Help! I’ve been struck over the head, bound, gagged, and placed in my Aunt Jenna’s trunk!</muffled-cry-for-help>

Aunt Jenna: So, wanna hook up?

Alaric Saltzman: No, let’s have an awkward conversation about our failed romantic exploits first.

Aunt Jenna: That’s a great idea! I left town because my boyfriend cheated on me. Then he got eaten by vampires!

Alaric Saltzman: Bummer. My wife got murdered, and the case was never solved. But I’m totally not the guy who did it.

Aunt Jenna: Well okay then. Do you watch sports?

Caroline Forbes: So I totally don’t believe in the supernatural, despite the fact that my short-term boyrfriend and current stalker is a vampire, but let’s do a seance anyway, and see what The Ghost of Emily Bennet wants.

Thomas: This is bound to end well.

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: flame geyser, window slam, power out!

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: vanishes

Vampire Football: gets played

Stefan and Damon Salvatore: lay in the grass, gazing up at the stars

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Seriously, guys, just kiss already.

Stefan Salvatore: So, about the Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom…?

Damon Salvatore: Oh, no biggie, just going to use it to resurrect the vampire that sired us, and drove us apart. And who happens to look exactly like Elena. And was probably the epitome of evil and insanity.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, okay then.

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: Hey, Bonnie, here I am, laying on the bathroom rug… why don’t you come and pick me up?

Bonnie Bennet: Okay! doors slam, lights flicker

Elena Gilbert and Caroline Forbes: Oh my God, are you okay?

Bonnie Bennet: Yep, perfectly fine, and totally not possessed by the Ghost of Emily Bennet, why would you ask that?

Damon Salvatore: So, long story short, Katherine isn’t dead, she was sealed up inside a tomb by Pre-Ghost Emily Bennet’s magic. There was that whole thing with the comet, and the crystal, and blah blah blah, I’m going to get Bonnie to release her somehow. Also, Katherine hasn’t eaten in a hundred and fifty years… how do you think she’s feeling right about now?

Stefan Salvatore: Huh. I see nothing wrong with this plan whatsoever.

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: I’m off to Fell’s Church to destroy the crystal!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, The Ghost of Emily Bennet is off to Fell’s Church to destroy the crystal!

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, The Ghost of… hey, where did you go?

Damon Salvatore: Gimme the crystal!

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: I can throw vampires with my brain!

Damon Salvatore: Wow, being impaled on a tree branch kind of sucks.

Alaric Saltzman and Aunt Jenna: trade “I’m so pathetic” stories. Alaric stands outside the door, pining like a puppy, waiting for Aunt Jenna to invite him in.

Aunt Jenna: Sorry, no invite for you. Kids in my care, and all.

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, come on, you aren’t any older than we are.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty!

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: So, I not only entombed Katherine, but twenty-seven other vampires, and if we set them free, they’ll pretty much eat the entire town.

Damon Salvatore: I’m cool with that.

Stefan Salvatore: Me, not so much.

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: Me, either. Kick-ass flaming pentagram powers activate!

Ugly Ass Necklace of Doom: goes boom

Damon Salvatore: Noooooooo!</vader>

The Ghost of Emily Bennet: de-possesses Bonnie.

Damon Salvatore: eats Bonnie anyway

Stefan Salvatore: It’s okay, I can save her with my blood!

Elena Gilbert: I cannot believe you just swapped fluids with my best fiend.

Matt Donovan: So, Caroline, I just dropped by to tell you that I don’t like you, but when we… cuddled… the other night… well, it made me… happy… and… I like being happy… and…

Thomas: facepalm

Damon Salvatore: mopes, decides to leave town

Bonnie Bennet: freaks out, hides in the car

Elena Gilbert: totally wants to bang Stefan

Stefan Salvatore: totally gets off on playing hard to get

The Closing Montage: Consists of mopey, weepy vampires and mopey, weepy high school girls.

Logan Fell: Hey, Aunt Jenna, I’m back from the dead. Aren’t you going to invite me in?

The Plot: thickens

Stefan Salvatore: slumbers peacefully in his study, when he awakes to a ghostly, echoing voice, a mysteriously open window, and a shadowy figure flighting through his house, Menacingly.

The Shadowy Figure: bum rushes Stefan, takes him to the ground, and mounts him.

Stefan Salvatore: oh, hey babe.

Lexi: Surprise birthday tackle!

Stefan Salvatore and Lexi: are apparently having a tickle fight, and reminiscing about the weekend they partied with Bon Jovi. They also mention that the Magic Don’t Make Me Explode in the Sunlight rings are apparently keyed to a single owner, and that Damon is a canine of female persuasion.

Sheriff Forbes: So, anyone know where Vicki went off to?

Everyone in Mystic Falls: Hey, have you seen our impersonation of a stone wall? It’s really good!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, people get hurt and die around you, and that-

Bella Swan: -is so hot, am I right?

Elena Gilbert: Um, no, I was going for “creepy, dangerous, and wrong,” but whatever turns your crank.

Damon Salvatore: Why don’t you want to sleep with me like all the other girls?

Lexi: Um, have you met you? You’re a jerk.

Damon Salvatore: Oh, come on. goes in for the kiss

Lexi: throat grab! Bad touch. Do. Not. Want.

Thomas: Lexi: my new favorite vampire.

Bonnie and Grandma Bennet: blah blah blah, witches are awesome, and this ugly amulet is going to be Very Important in a latter episode. Also, I’m still psychic.

Aunt Jenna: looks twelve again.

Aunt Jenna: I’m twenty!

Thomas: Whatever.

Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, could you guys complain about boys a little quieter? I’m trying to study over here.

Elena Gilbert and Aunt Jenna: Wait, what?

Damon Salvatore: Hey, here’s a stash of anti-vampire pot.

Sheriff Forbes: Awesome! Let me tell you everything I know about the Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council!

Bonnie Bennet: Are you going to stay in bed all day?

Elena Gilbert: Yep.

Bonnie Bennet: Well then I’m getting into bed with you.

Thomas: I will never understand how this doesn’t squick girls out.

Tens of Men Around the Nation: Hey, are they gonna…?

Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: No.

Elena Gilbert: So, can you help take my mind off the fact that I broke up with Stefan?

Bonnie Bennet: Sure. Look, I can float feathers with my brain!

Elena Gilbert: Wow, your supernatural tendencies are way less freaky than my blood-drinking ex boyfriend’s.

Caroline Forbes: appears to have forgotten her pants.

Caroline Forbes: Damon, you’re a jerk and a meanie and you hurt me and I’m not going to –

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Caroline Forbes: Oh my gosh Damon it’s so good to see you where have you been can we make out now?

Damon Salvatore: So, party tonight, everyone is invited, especially the chick that stole my amulet, and the person I’m going to frame for all of the murders I committed these last few weeks.

Lexi: Stefan, seriously, just jump in the sack with the girl.

Stefan Salvatore: What, are you kidding? We’re going to drag this our for as many seasons as possible.

Lexi: Why?

Stefan Salvatore: Did you ever watch Moonlighting?

Lexi: Okay, good point. drinks blood from her sippy cup

Damon Salvatore: So, who wants to go to the conveniently timed party tonight?

Lexi: That’s a great idea! I bet showing up to a party with a hot girl from out of town roughly fifteen minutes after you broke up with Elena won’t be awkward at all!

Elena Gilbert: Um, hi… who are you, and why are you naked?

Lexi: I’m Lexi, Stefan’s hot friend from out of town! I just got out of the shower. You know, the shower Stefan is in right now. Also, holy crap you look just like Katherine, Stefan what the hell is wrong with you you have serious emotional issues you freak.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, I just dropped by to tell you that I’m not sleeping with the naked girl, and to let you know I’m here for you if you ever need to talk about anything. Also: you totally broke up with me on my birthday. Tootles!

Caroline Forbes: Gimme the crystal! grabs, gets shocked

Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my jewelry!

Girl: Did you hear that?

Boy: Less talk, more nookie.

Damon Salvatore: eats the boy

Girl: screams

Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, Jeremy’s been acting all weird since you mind-whammied him. He’s studying, he’s not moping around anymore, he’s not doing drugs…

Damon Salvatore: And you’re complaining about this because…

Lexi: Hey, did I ever tell you how I loved a human guy and even though we went through a lot of stormy weather what with me being an immortal blood sucking fiend love conquers all and you should totally hook up with Stefan because he has great cheekbones? slams three shots of tequila

Elena Gilbert: Well okay then.

Stefan Salvatore: Girls make the best wingmen.

Caroline Forbes: Matt you’re so nice do you think I’m shallow I don’t want to be shallow I want to be deep like the abyss hey are those curly fries?

Thomas: God drunk girls can be annoying.

Sheriff Forbes: Who did this to you?

Girl Damon told me to tell you that it was the hot blond chick from out of town.

Sheriff Forbes: Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council, assemble! We’ve got a blond to kill!

The Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: shoots Lexi up with some anti-vampire pot water.

Lexi: fangs!

Damon Salvatore: stake!

Thomas: totally saw that coming.

Stefan Salvatore: totally saw that happen.

Stefan Salvatore: This was the last straw! I have to kill Damon! And by “kill,” I mean injure slightly, and piss off royally!

Bonnie Bennet: I have scary psychic sleepwalking dreams in my brain!

Thomas: That’s nice, sweetheart.